Girlfriend cut her hair--how do I get over my attraction to long hair?

[EnigmaticClarity]

About two months ago my girlfriend I've been dating since February 2011 cut her hair from about 3-6 inches below her shoulder to super-short. It looks almost exactly like Emma Watson's new short haircut, i.e. 1-2 inches at max--it's shorter than mine and I usually always have short hair (my girlfriend claims mine looks like Stephen Colbert's and my ex said it looks like "all the guys on Mad Men"). I've got the standard preference that most (but not all) men have--I'm more attracted to long hair. I don't know exactly why it is--maybe it's because my mom had long hair throughout my childhood, maybe it's because my first crushes and girlfriends had long hair, maybe it's because long hair is a distinctively feminine trait and short hair looks too masculine. The last of those reasons is certainly true for me, but I'm sure it's a mix of them all. I really DO find short hair on women highly masculine, though--there's nothing I can imagine that can make a women look less feminine than short hair. I completely empathize with the maintenance hassle of long hair, and I completely empathize and I HATE the societal double-standard that leaves women with far more personal appearance maintenance than men (makeup, hair, clothes, shaving legs, shaving tanlines, etc)...yet I still find long hair more attractive. Mentally, I hate myself for feeling that way, but it's something deep within what attracts me to women. I'd far prefer she wear no makeup, stop shaving her legs, and hypothetically gain 40 pounds (not really because of the health problems that causes) than cut her hair short.

 

My previous girlfriend I was with for 15 years cut her hair to a bob about 11 years in, and for the entire last 4 years we dated, I didn't like her short hair much, although I didn't think about it as much as I do now that the new girlfriend has cut it so much significantly shorter than even my own hair usually is, so I know this isn't an easy thing for me to change about myself, but I'd like to change it.

 

I love her a lot, but I'm significantly less attracted to her. I really find her sexy, but I find myself trying to just not think about her hair a lot. However, because it's all around her face, I can't get away from it and it just keeps coming back to the front of my mind, and when I think about the hair, my attraction vanishes for varying amounts of time until I can put it out of my mind again. I've had no reason to look at other women because she fills all my desires, but since the haircut, I look at women and celebrities a lot to appreciate their beautiful long hair.

 

I'm aware that half of you who read this will simply dismiss me as shallow...if that's the case, no need to reply, I won't find it helpful, I know a good portion of the world thinks that way. I'm not anywhere close to leaving her for having short hair--my lack of attraction is purely physical, I still love her, and it's only a part of my physical attraction, I find plenty of her other qualities sexy as well. But the hair is a huge part of attraction that keeps coming up in my mind since it's so close to her face. I like her for who she is far more than how she looks, and I'm a Zen Buddhist and I could easily get past this by mentally shutting it off if I wanted to, it's just that I don't WANT to "shut it off" and simply ignore what I'm physically attracted to--I want to understand it. Rather, I'd like to figure out exactly WHY I have this attraction, and more importantly, figure out how I can change what I'm attracted to. It's a tricky psychological thing I'm wanting to understand, not simply "get over" without fully exploring.

 

Anyone have insight for how I can change what I'm attracted to? Some people think you choose it, others think you can't control attraction...I suspect you CAN control it, but it's not at ALL a simple choice and that changing it is a matter of introspection and self-reflection to understand why you feel that way to begin with and then finding some way of getting past it. I liken it to changing the types of foods you like to eat--at varying points in our lives we like or dislike certain foods, but our opinions on that change as we open our minds to different experiences, and that's what I'm looking to do here--open my mind to the beauty of short hair on women. My attempts to date haven't worked yet so I'm looking for different perspectives.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Why the hell are you apologizing to random strangers for what you are attracted to? If I could reach out and shake you awake I would. It's OK to have stuff that turns you on or off. So stop being a Puss about it!

 

Next... this isn't your problem. You are attracted to whatever you are attracted to... you need to let your GF know this. Have her wear a wig or something in your presence... ask her to compromise.

 

Nothing... and I mean NOTHING is less attractive than a pansy, super apologetic guy... are you going to apologize for having a dick too? Now go find your balls and tell this woman you don't like her hair short.

[smackie9]

If your relationship is strong enough, you should be able to communicate openly about this issues with her. She must be very independent, because she didn't ask for your opinion about cutting her hair that short. I feel she doesn't care what you think, she is going to do whatever she wants....that should be a tell tail sign on how other things in your future will play out.

 

I have always had long hair, there was a time I was considering cutting my hair shorter (not 2" short) but short enough. But I aksed my BF first what he thought out of consideration to him, because I always want to be attractive for him. I guess I'm just old fashioned that way. Anyways I never ended up cutting my hair....he hates red hair too so I don't dye it that colour either.

 

These are the sacrifices one has to make when being in a committed relationship. Now it's up to you, who is going to make the sacrific...you or her?

[EnigmaticClarity]

Why the hell are you apologizing to random strangers for what you are attracted to? If I could reach out and shake you awake I would. It's OK to have stuff that turns you on or off. So stop being a Puss about it!

 

Next... this isn't your problem. You are attracted to whatever you are attracted to... you need to let your GF know this. Have her wear a wig or something in your presence... ask her to compromise.

 

Nothing... and I mean NOTHING is less attractive than a pansy, super apologetic guy... are you going to apologize for having a dick too? Now go find your balls and tell this woman you don't like her hair short.

 

I'm not apologizing to anyone--what you interpreted as apology is an attempt to pre-empt the types of responses I figured I'd get, to weed them out of the thread. Why are you assuming I haven't told her I don't like short hair? I have. We discussed this before she cut it.

[smackie9]

I'm not apologizing to anyone--what you interpreted as apology is an attempt to pre-empt the types of responses I figured I'd get, to weed them out of the thread. Why are you assuming I haven't told her I don't like short hair? I have. We discussed this before she cut it.

 

 

These are the details that are necessary so you don't get people assuming and slamming you.....just my 2 cents.

[EnigmaticClarity]

If your relationship is strong enough, you should be able to communicate openly about this issues with her. She must be very independent, because she didn't ask for your opinion about cutting her hair that short. I feel she doesn't care what you think, she is going to do whatever she wants....that should be a tell tail sign on how other things in your future will play out.

 

I have always had long hair, there was a time I was considering cutting my hair shorter (not 2" short) but short enough. But I aksed my BF first what he thought out of consideration to him, because I always want to be attractive for him. I guess I'm just old fashioned that way. Anyways I never ended up cutting my hair....he hates red hair too so I don't dye it that colour either.

 

These are the sacrifices one has to make when being in a committed relationship. Now it's up to you, who is going to make the sacrific...you or her?

 

She did ask my opinion before she cut it, and I gave it, raw. She sent me a picture of a girl with short hair via email while I was at work one day and asked me how I like it, and I responded that I'm not a good person to ask because I find short hair masculine on women. She was hurt, but responded she was going to cut it anyway. On the one hand, I agree with you, it's quite disconcerting that my attraction to her matters so little--that's really a bigger issue to me than the reduced physical attraction aspect of our relationship. Yet at the same time, I fully think she should be free to do what she wants--it would be shallow and overly-controlling of me to dictate to her that if she cuts her hair she'd lose me.

[ShannonMI]

I'm not apologizing to anyone--what you interpreted as apology is an attempt to pre-empt the types of responses I figured I'd get, to weed them out of the thread. Why are you assuming I haven't told her I don't like short hair? I have. We discussed this before she cut it.

So even though you've told her what you find attractive when it comes to hair, she went ahead and chopped hers off anyway? Wow Ok. And there is short hair and then there is REALLY short hair. She got a pixie cut from what it sounds like. REALLY f-ing short. I can understand why you don't like it. Pixies look good on some girls, but not that many. Why did she do it when she knows what you like? There's something odd about that. If a guy I was in a relationship told me he loved my long hair i wouldn't cut it. She's kind of being defiant or something. Interesting.

[EnigmaticClarity]

These are the details that are necessary so you don't get people assuming and slamming you.....just my 2 cents.

 

People shouldn't make assumptions before asking questions--and that's more than just my two cents, that's a fact that will hinder you the rest of your life as long as you do it. It's ****ing stupid to do it, but of course I see people doing it all day, every day. It's NECESSARY to make assumptions until you gather all the facts--but it should be internal, not out loud. Ask questions before making assumptions, otherwise, you frequently end up looking like a real jackass.

[Woggle]

Short hair can look really hot and I would not make this an issue. If she is an otherwise good girlfriend let it go. If this is a dealbreaker then you don't have much of a relationship.

[EnigmaticClarity]

Why did she do it when she knows what you like? There's something odd about that. If a guy I was in a relationship told me he loved my long hair i wouldn't cut it. She's kind of being defiant or something. Interesting.

 

She's absolutely being defiant, and I hold it against her. But it's not just defiance, she cut her hair mostly because of how it makes her feel--she goes back and forth from long to short every 5 to 10 years, I've seen pictures of her throughout her lifetime to verify that is indeed the case. I don't want to interfere with her independence and freedom to do that, yet at the same time as you suggest, it concerns me she doesn't value my attraction more than she does. It's a separate issue from my actual attraction and I've already resolved how I feel about her attitude. It's a concern, but not one worth leaving her over--it'd have to be one of a LOT of concerns to leave her for that attitude.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I'm not apologizing to anyone--what you interpreted as apology is an attempt to pre-empt the types of responses I figured I'd get, to weed them out of the thread. Why are you assuming I haven't told her I don't like short hair? I have. We discussed this before she cut it.

 

Yeah... I know you were trying to make sure you come across as a nice guy. Stop doing that and just be yourself.

 

So... you told her that you don't find short hair attractive and she chopped it anyway? When people are in a relationship with someone they care about... they want to be attractive to that person. I had a GF who felt I dressed like a frat boy... and to be honest I kinda did. So for the duration of our relationship I avoided that style of dress because I wanted to be attractive to her.

 

Why do you think she ignored your preference and did the short hair?

[ShannonMI]

She did ask my opinion before she cut it, and I gave it, raw. She sent me a picture of a girl with short hair via email while I was at work one day and asked me how I like it, and I responded that I'm not a good person to ask because I find short hair masculine on women. She was hurt, but responded she was going to cut it anyway. On the one hand, I agree with you, it's quite disconcerting that my attraction to her matters so little--that's really a bigger issue to me than the reduced physical attraction aspect of our relationship. Yet at the same time, I fully think she should be free to do what she wants--it would be shallow and overly-controlling of me to dictate to her that if she cuts her hair she'd lose me.

There is nothing wrong with being attracted to what you are attracted to. Yes, you love the girl, but you like long hair and she chopped hers into a boy's cut. A huge turn off. It's like if you are attracted to slim girls and you are dating one and she balloons to 300lbs. It's gonna be an issue. You are not going to be as attracted to her. There is nothing wrong with that.

 

I don't think you should dump her, but you should really talk to her about why she went ahead and did something she knew you didn't like and didn't find attractive. Hopefully she will grow it out for you. Maybe not down to her ass, but maybe to her shoulders. There is compromise. This girl blatantly did something she knew you didn't like. What's up with that? That's what's most concerning IMO.

[EnigmaticClarity]

Short hair can look really hot and I would not make this an issue. If she is an otherwise good girlfriend let it go. If this is a dealbreaker then you don't have much of a relationship.

 

You just repeated ideas I already stated in my original post, but what I'm looking for is exactly why short hair can look "really hot"--I just can't see it. If we're talking about Halle Berry, Natalie Portman, or Emma Watson--yea, those women have hot faces and decent or fantastic bodies, and so sure, they'll look hot no matter what their hair is like. But that's just not most women--and all of them would look MUCH more feminine, and to me hotter in that femininity, if their hair were longer. So how can you call short hair "hot"? It's a foreign concept to me, although I realize it's one that something like 20% to 40% of all men agree with you on.

[ShannonMI]

The absolute worst case scenario is when a woman cuts the hair on her head very short and yet has a huge bush downstairs.

 

 

"But honey you said you liked me with long hair!"

Hahahahahahaha now that's f*cking funny:lmao:

[EnigmaticClarity]

Your whole notion of saying that you framed your question to head off or filter out responses that you didn't want to listen to basically sounds like it might be the real problem in your relationship.

 

I was trying to keep away from the "it's shallow to prefer long hair" posts that are still coming I'm sure and keep the thread on the topic of WHY men are attracted to long hair and whether or not this taste can be changed, but hey I guess the thread will just go where it will no matter how i phrase the question, right?

 

Wasn't trying to be a nice guy, was trying to direct the thread from the direction most threads about appearance end up going.

[Woggle]

I have seen plenty of women with short hair look hot. The women you mentioned plus I have known some over the years. All I am saying is that if this is a deal breaker then you don't have much of a relationship.

 

You knew she liked to play with her hair when you met and here you are trying to change her.

[Untouchable_Fire]

People shouldn't make assumptions before asking questions--and that's more than just my two cents, that's a fact that will hinder you the rest of your life as long as you do it. It's ****ing stupid to do it, but of course I see people doing it all day, every day. It's NECESSARY to make assumptions until you gather all the facts--but it should be internal, not out loud. Ask questions before making assumptions, otherwise, you frequently end up looking like a real jackass.

 

I don't mind looking like a jackass. You should stop being afraid of it as well.

 

It's good that you push back if I challenge your approach... it shows backbone. I just think you are focusing on the wrong thing. Of course if she radically changes her look towards something you don't find attractive.... your attraction will go down. Some amount of shallow is Ok. Now if you said you can't feel love for her anymore THEN you should be concerned.

 

She's absolutely being defiant, and I hold it against her. But it's not just defiance, she cut her hair mostly because of how it makes her feel--she goes back and forth from long to short every 5 to 10 years, I've seen pictures of her throughout her lifetime to verify that is indeed the case. I don't want to interfere with her independence and freedom to do that, yet at the same time as you suggest, it concerns me she doesn't value my attraction more than she does. It's a separate issue from my actual attraction and I've already resolved how I feel about her attitude. It's a concern, but not one worth leaving her over--it'd have to be one of a LOT of concerns to leave her for that attitude.

 

The question is that her attitude shows your opinion/attraction simply isn't that important to her. Personally, I take that to mean she lacks respect for you. I've never had a GF do this type of thing.

 

So the question is this.... What are you going to do about it?

[EnigmaticClarity]

There is nothing wrong with being attracted to what you are attracted to. Yes, you love the girl, but you like long hair and she chopped hers into a boy's cut. A huge turn off. It's like if you are attracted to slim girls and you are dating one and she balloons to 300lbs. It's gonna be an issue. You are not going to be as attracted to her. There is nothing wrong with that.

 

I don't think you should dump her, but you should really talk to her about why she went ahead and did something she knew you didn't like and didn't find attractive. Hopefully she will grow it out for you. Maybe not down to her ass, but maybe to her shoulders. There is compromise. This girl blatantly did something she knew you didn't like. What's up with that? That's what's most concerning IMO.

 

I know all of this...but I'm trying to understand my attraction.

 

Take this question as if I asked why I prefer chocolate cake over pumpkin pie. Yes, most people will just think "oh you just prefer that and that's the way it is"...but I don't believe it to be that simple. Perhaps it's the chemistry of my mouth, something in my genetic makeup that loves chocolate, or maybe my gramma that I lvoed gave me chocolate cake a lot as a kid.

 

If the "why" of taste and the "how" of how to expand one's tastes isn't interesting to you, that's fine--but I'm interested in it.

[EnigmaticClarity]

The absolute worst case scenario is when a woman cuts the hair on her head very short and yet has a huge bush downstairs.

 

 

"But honey you said you liked me with long hair!"

 

She trims, but I'd actually prefer a huge bush. Variety downstairs is fun to me.

[Untouchable_Fire]

and keep the thread on the topic of WHY men are attracted to long hair and whether or not this taste can be changed, but hey I guess the thread will just go where it will no matter how i phrase the question, right?

 

We like long hair because it is associated with femininity. Maybe long ago it made women easier to drag back to your cave... dunno.

 

I'm sure you can change your attraction for it. I had a relationship with a girl that gained weight and forever more I will have a thing for chubby women. Dunno why... maybe it was the fact she was a rockstar in the bedroom.

 

Maybe try watching some porn with women who sport the same hairdo?

[EnigmaticClarity]

I have seen plenty of women with short hair look hot. The women you mentioned plus I have known some over the years. All I am saying is that if this is a deal breaker then you don't have much of a relationship.

 

You knew she liked to play with her hair when you met and here you are trying to change her.

 

Said in the original post it isn't a deal-breaker, and obviously, I didn't know she liked to play with her hair when we met. I suspect it's pretty rare that people browse photos throughout someone's life in the first few dates, but I suppose it happens if one or the other has a lot of their parent's photo albums in their house for whatever reason.

[Wolf18]

OK what's this all about?

 

What happened to the 15 year relationship?

 

How does someone stay in a relationship for 15 years without the issue of marriage being addressed?

 

Is the current chick a rebound from the prior 15 year break up?

 

You're making your current relationship issues all about how long your gf decides to cut her hair when obviously it just can't be.

 

 

Women must be out of their minds to cut their hair that short, men universally agree short lesbian hair is ugly.

 

However, making this big of a deal of it with someone you've been dating for 15 years strikes me as annoying, I'd expect this kind of behavior out of a woman faster than I would from a man. The hair will grow back, just tell her not to do it again.

 

Woggle's right, if this is such a deal breaker, your relationship is a joke. Not saying you are unique in that regard, 90% of "Relationships" are really just your schlong and her vag dating. Do what you must.

[EnigmaticClarity]

Maybe try watching some porn with women who sport the same hairdo?

 

I've tried that--Google the name "Ryanne". Similar hair, almost EXACTLY the same body as my girlfriend except Ryanne is 5' 4" and my girlfriend is 6' 1", it's eerie how similar they are. My girlfriend still turns me on immensely, but the hair is an ongoing issue for me--not a constant one but an occasional one. I'm trying to get past that issue by expanding my ideas about women and short hair.

[ShannonMI]

I know all of this...but I'm trying to understand my attraction.

 

Take this question as if I asked why I prefer chocolate cake over pumpkin pie. Yes, most people will just think "oh you just prefer that and that's the way it is"...but I don't believe it to be that simple. Perhaps it's the chemistry of my mouth, something in my genetic makeup that loves chocolate, or maybe my gramma that I lvoed gave me chocolate cake a lot as a kid.

 

If the "why" of taste and the "how" of how to expand one's tastes isn't interesting to you, that's fine--but I'm interested in it.

Why are you trying to understand what you like? YOU LIKE WHAT YOU LIKE!!! It's not some deep seeded thing in your brain. You just like long hair. Nothing wrong with that. You are thinking WAAAAAAAY too much into this. Stop already or you will drive yourself mad.

[EnigmaticClarity]

However, making this big of a deal of it with someone you've been dating for 15 years strikes me as annoying, I'd expect this kind of behavior out of a woman faster than I would from a man. The hair will grow back, just tell her not to do it again.

 

Woggle's right, if this is such a deal breaker, your relationship is a joke.

 

I can't really tell what situations you're commenting on--it isn't mine. Or you're just blowing the impact of the short haircut WAY out of proportion, far more than I am. I already stated in excruciating detail in the first post it isn't a deal-breaker, then I repeated it a second time in a response. I'll repeat it a third time--you're making far more out of the situation than I am.