Girlfriend cut her hair--how do I get over my attraction to long hair?

[EnigmaticClarity]

But if she really likes the short hair, you can't force her to not cut it short either. My boyfriend also prefers long hair, and I've never grown my hair long once in the years we've been together. Of course, I want to be attractive to my boyfriend, but he also has to respect the fact that I'm more comfortable in my hairstyle.

 

I just don't understand this attitude--it seems selfish. Whatever a person does aesthetically with their hair is almost entirely for other people since we can't see it ourselves without a mirror. How can a person settle on a hairstyle they KNOW the people who see them every day--the ones who have to spend the most time looking at it--don't like? I couldn't do it.

 

I'd even grow mine long if she asked me to knowing that it would likely cause social stigmatization in the workplace since long hair on men is less acceptable than on women.

[xxoo]

I just don't understand this attitude--it seems selfish. Whatever a person does aesthetically with their hair is almost entirely for other people since we can't see it ourselves without a mirror. How can a person settle on a hairstyle they KNOW the people who see them every day--the ones who have to spend the most time looking at it--don't like? I couldn't do it.

 

Her hair is part of her identity.

 

If it is this difficult to be attracted to her in the hairstyle of her preference, there are issues beyond hair.

[EnigmaticClarity]

If it is this difficult to be attracted to her in the hairstyle of her preference, there are issues beyond hair.

 

Extremely short hair makes a woman look like a guy--it's as simple as that. This isn't isolated to her, it applies to how I see all women. So what's my issue--I'm not bisexual enough? I need to embrace androgyny?

[xxoo]

Extremely short hair makes a woman look like a guy--it's as simple as that. This isn't isolated to her, it applies to how I see all women. So what's my issue--I'm not bisexual enough? I need to embrace androgyny?

 

I don't know what your issue is, and I'm not saying that you need to change....

 

But she doesn't need to change, either. It is just as wrong to call her selfish for wanting to wear her hair the way she wants it, as it is to call you selfish for wanting her to keep it long when wants it short.

 

You should find a woman who loves having long hair (many do). She should find a guy who finds her attractive with long or short hair (many would).

[EnigmaticClarity]

I don't know what your issue is, and I'm not saying that you need to change....

 

But she doesn't need to change, either. It is just as wrong to call her selfish for wanting to wear her hair the way she wants it, as it is to call you selfish for wanting her to keep it long when wants it short.

 

You should find a woman who loves having long hair (many do). She should find a guy who finds her attractive with long or short hair (many would).

 

People who are unwilling to compromise should avoid long-term relationships. This is a tangent given that I'm seeking ways for ME to compromise.

[Els]

I just don't understand this attitude--it seems selfish. Whatever a person does aesthetically with their hair is almost entirely for other people since we can't see it ourselves without a mirror. How can a person settle on a hairstyle they KNOW the people who see them every day--the ones who have to spend the most time looking at it--don't like? I couldn't do it.

 

I'd even grow mine long if she asked me to knowing that it would likely cause social stigmatization in the workplace since long hair on men is less acceptable than on women.

 

Firstly, let me state that I think her responses to you (that you quoted several posts back) sound rather inflammatory and yes.. they do sound selfish. Just the way she put it. There were far better ways to communicate than what she used.

 

However, that being said, I don't think it's selfish for someone to choose the sort of hairstyle they want, no. The bolded is true in a way, but there are things other than aesthetics to consider. The time, effort and money involved in maintaining long hair (the longer the hair, the more the maintenance, waist-length is pretty much a nightmare) are solely borne by the person herself. Personally, I would do it if the bf really loved long hair, assuming he assists in whatever way he can (paying the cost of hair treatment and maintenance, being patient in waiting for me to get ready, etc). But that's just me. Everyone is entitled to their own decision, and they should be able to decide what they want to do with their own hair and body without being called selfish for it.

[stillafool]

Pixies look good on some girls, but not that many. Why did she do it when she knows what you like? There's something odd about that. If a guy I was in a relationship told me he loved my long hair i wouldn't cut it. She's kind of being defiant or something. Interesting.

 

You're right. You damn near have to have a beautiful face to make a Pixie haircut work. OP, I too think your gf should have been more considerate of your feelings before getting a major cut like that. You should tell her you miss her hair. See what she says.

[EnigmaticClarity]

The time, effort and money involved in maintaining long hair (the longer the hair, the more the maintenance, waist-length is pretty much a nightmare) are solely borne by the person herself. Personally, I would do it if the bf really loved long hair, assuming he assists in whatever way he can (paying the cost of hair treatment and maintenance, being patient in waiting for me to get ready, etc). But that's just me. Everyone is entitled to their own decision, and they should be able to decide what they want to do with their own hair and body without being called selfish for it.

 

I called the poster selfish who said she's NEVER grown her hair out for her boyfriend, and I stand behind that point of view--I don't get that at all.

 

I don't find waist-length hair to be the only "feminine" length--any length at all is great with me. My favorite length I've seen on my girlfriend is when it's well above the shoulder but just below the ears. Anything remotely feminine would be great with me.

[EnigmaticClarity]

You should tell her you miss her hair. See what she says.

 

She just got it cut two months ago, and we fought all that week because she could see in my face right after she cut it that I wasn't digging it...she KNOWS I miss her hair. It's something I might say in a few months, but right now is too soon.

 

On top of that, her sister was in town a few weeks ago, and her sister's boyfriend asked me if I liked her short hair. I initially responded "are you trying to get me in trouble?" jokingly, then responded that it's nothing personal or specific to my girlfriend, but short hair looks masculine on women to me. Her sister then proceeded to agree with me and said how much she missed her sister's (my girlfriend's) long hair, that it was beautiful.

 

So she knows.

[Els]

Ahh, I see. Thanks for clarifying.

 

I disagree that that poster is selfish - if a guy's gf wanted him to dress in skintight jeans and leather jackets (just an example) and he didn't want to, I wouldn't call him selfish either. But meh, we can agree to disagree.

 

If your favourite length is just below the ears, it should not take long for your gf's pixie cut to grow back to that. Certainly not years - several months should suffice for most people. I grew mine from a boy's cut to just above the shoulder in about 6+ months.

 

I do think you need to address the manner in which she discussed this issue with you though. She seemed to be levelling accusations more than discussing a reasonable compromise.

[xxoo]

People who are unwilling to compromise should avoid long-term relationships.

 

Most people do not feel so strongly about hair, one way or another, that there is a need to compromise on this issue.

 

You feel stronger about this issue than most. You should find a woman who loves having long hair.

 

She feels stronger about this issue than most (most women wouldn't even want a cut that short). She should find a guy who's into that sort of edgy sexiness.

 

As for how do you compromise? Ask her to wear some dramatic eye makeup, or buy her some sexy low-cut tops. Kiss her neck. Sexualize the skin that short hair reveals.

Edited December 6, 2011 by xxoo

[EnigmaticClarity]

I do think you need to address the manner in which she discussed this issue with you though. She seemed to be levelling accusations more than discussing a reasonable compromise.

 

It got discussed quite a lot the week she got the haircut. There were two major phases to the fight that week--the first when I first saw it and my silence/awkwardness communicated I didn't like it (which is still a mystery to me--if that conversation I copied and pasted didn't clue her in that I wouldn't like it, I'm not sure what else I should have said), and the second time about two days after that when I told her that her expressing that she was going to cut her hair "to spite me" was extremely immature and insensitive and that I wish she would take my attraction into consideration in the future. Her response was "how would that have changed anything at all if I decided to cut it anyway?" to which my response was "nothing, you should have cut it anyway in that case--but at least I would know that you actually do care about how I feel about you," which she thought was dumb. She clearly mulled it over though because the next day she was sort of joking around by asking me at a micro-level whether her appearance choices were OK with me, i.e. "is this shirt fine with you?" and "is this deodorant too offensive for you?"

[verhrzn]

Extremely short hair makes a woman look like a guy--it's as simple as that. This isn't isolated to her, it applies to how I see all women. So what's my issue--I'm not bisexual enough? I need to embrace androgyny?

 

So wait a sec... the ONLY thing that makes a woman look different from a guy is short hair?? So, if a guy grew his hair long, you'd suddenly mistake him for a girl and be attracted to him?

 

Do you see how silly this line of logic is?

 

Additionally, your girlfriend should take your feelings into consideration... but at the end of the day, it's her body. Long hair is a pain to maintain... on top of the other things women do to keep themselves attractive (shaving/waxing, make-up, working out, fashionable clothes... even short hair requires a certain level of care), losing the long hair for a while can be freeing.

 

If you honestly base your attraction so much on your girlfriend's hair, to the point that you are actually trying to control whether or not she can cut it... that doesn't really speak to the strength of your relationship.

 

Also, hair can grow back in a few months. Can you find someone who is (otherwise) as attractive, with a good personality, who is willing to deal with YOUR unattractive flaws and controlling attitude (sorry, but telling someone you're dating they are not allowed to cut their hair because of YOUR preference is controlling) within a few months?

[EnigmaticClarity]

Most people do not feel so strongly about hair, one way or another, that there is a need to compromise on this issue.

 

As for how do you compromise? Ask her to wear some dramatic eye makeup, or buy her some sexy low-cut tops. Kiss her neck. Sexualize the skin that short hair reveals.

 

She bristles completely when I ask her to alter her appearance in some way because I'd enjoy it. She seems to be getting better about it--she didn't want to do it for me, either, i.e. tell me what she likes on me, but she's been doing that a lot more lately, so I figure after some time has gone by I can do it for her more often as well, but not yet, too soon.

 

Kissing her neck just makes me sad--I used to kiss her neck more than most parts of her skin by pulling her hair back when it was long...now that it's short, often I go to kiss it, it reminds me how much I dislike the hair and pulls me out of the passion.

 

I generally don't allow comparisons of myself to other people to alter my behavior when it's unclear as to whether the average person is better or worse off than I am. I think I'm more passionate and romantic than most and have no desire to gravitate back to the average, and what I specifically find attractive on women is wrapped up in that. I said it in the original post--I'm fully capable of suppressing this feeling I have towards long hair, but I have NO desire to simply suppress it. The average person would do exactly that--I can do that, and if I had, I never would've posted this thread. However, I believe it to be unhealthy to simply squash the negative emotions I'm feeling towards my girlfriend's short hair--I'd rather explore my own feelings about it until I feel as if there's nothing more to explore. I'm not quite there yet.

[EnigmaticClarity]

So wait a sec... the ONLY thing that makes a woman look different from a guy is short hair?? So, if a guy grew his hair long, you'd suddenly mistake him for a girl and be attracted to him?

 

Do you see how silly this line of logic is?

 

Additionally, your girlfriend should take your feelings into consideration... but at the end of the day, it's her body. Long hair is a pain to maintain... on top of the other things women do to keep themselves attractive (shaving/waxing, make-up, working out, fashionable clothes... even short hair requires a certain level of care), losing the long hair for a while can be freeing.

 

If you honestly base your attraction so much on your girlfriend's hair, to the point that you are actually trying to control whether or not she can cut it... that doesn't really speak to the strength of your relationship.

 

Also, hair can grow back in a few months. Can you find someone who is (otherwise) as attractive, with a good personality, who is willing to deal with YOUR unattractive flaws and controlling attitude (sorry, but telling someone you're dating they are not allowed to cut their hair because of YOUR preference is controlling) within a few months?

 

No, of course, hair isn't the only thing that makes a woman look different from a man, but short hair is distinctively masculine.

 

The rest of your ideas I addressed in my original post--you're talking about some other guy, not me. I know it's her body, I'm not controlling her, and attraction isn't entirely a choice. Help me figure out why I'm attracted to long hair and how I can get over it, but please, don't just hit me with a verbal hammer and say "deal," I'm familiar with that approach and don't find it healthy. Or, you know, if you can't help yourself, go ahead and hit me with the hammer and I'll just try to ignore it.

[ladyravenloft]

No, of course, hair isn't the only thing that makes a woman look different from a man, but short hair is distinctively masculine.

 

The rest of your ideas I addressed in my original post--you're talking about some other guy, not me. I know it's her body, I'm not controlling her, and attraction isn't entirely a choice. Help me figure out why I'm attracted to long hair and how I can get over it, but please, don't just hit me with a verbal hammer and say "deal," I'm familiar with that approach and don't find it healthy. Or, you know, if you can't help yourself, go ahead and hit me with the hammer and I'll just try to ignore it.

 

Going to go all Freud on you here. You mentioned your mother had long dark hair and all your ladies have had it as well. Hrm....seems that deep in your psyche you've equated long dark hair with safety, security, love and care, as well as attractiveness. Long hair takes much care, and I'm sure you, as a youngster, might have watched your mom take care of her hair.

 

Did you have a female authoratative figure in your life that had short hair, such as a teacher or babysitter? If you didn't like her or if she was cruel, hence your imbedded dislike of short hair.

 

We all have specific things we are more attracted to then others; my last guy had long gold blond hair down to his butt and a scraggly beard and mustache. My fellow now (actually ex husband for the moment but we're getting remarried!) has a crew cut and is clean shaven. They both are six feet tall and both on the stocky side. I love my big guys; best to snuggle and cuddle with, but if my man lost weight, grew his hair out or stopped shaving, I'd love him still and be just as attracted to him. How? Because I love the person inside, not the outside. He'll always be the same geek I fell for, same one that is into gaming, doesn't care how I wear my hair, doesn't care what color it is (it's been every color in the rainbow plus some that isn't), and even through a weight gain due to an injury and medication his love for me has never waivered. That is what love is, not about hair, weight, or any other superficial thing that change.

[EnigmaticClarity]

If your favourite length is just below the ears, it should not take long for your gf's pixie cut to grow back to that. Certainly not years - several months should suffice for most people. I grew mine from a boy's cut to just above the shoulder in about 6+ months.

 

Yea, I'm hoping she goes in that direction, and you're right, it won't take too long to grow out, but yeeks, half a year or a year is a significant amount of time. And there's always the possibility that she's set on short hair now and that's how it's gonna be from now on, which is probably the thought more than any other that caused me to post this thread.

 

As people get older, they let parts of their life life slide--their weight, their appearance, their habits, etc, so it's always possible that the appeal of a short hairstyle is wrapped up in that, greater convenience and a lessened effort on maintaining things. Most women I see with short haircuts are older; I'm never sure if they're doing it for lower maintenance or because they believe that gray hair looks worse when it's longer. I don't think my girlfriend has short hair because she's lazy--but I do think the main reason women want a short hairstyle is less about how it looks and more about how much effort it takes to manage it, and I know for sure that's the main reason she did it, she's said it. So is it one step down the path of letting yourself go? I'm never sure. But I don't think it is for her in this case, I'd be surprised if she doesn't grow it back out over the next few years.

[xxoo]

She bristles completely when I ask her to alter her appearance in some way because I'd enjoy it. She seems to be getting better about it--she didn't want to do it for me, either, i.e. tell me what she likes on me, but she's been doing that a lot more lately, so I figure after some time has gone by I can do it for her more often as well, but not yet, too soon.

 

This may be the "other" issue that is bigger than hair for you two. There is a power struggle going on, and she feels controlled by your input. Why does she feel controlled? (the reason may have nothing to do with you)

 

Kissing her neck just makes me sad--I used to kiss her neck more than most parts of her skin by pulling her hair back when it was long...now that it's short, often I go to kiss it, it reminds me how much I dislike the hair and pulls me out of the passion.

 

I'd suggest pushing through that to create sexual connections to short hair.

 

I generally don't allow comparisons of myself to other people to alter my behavior when it's unclear as to whether the average person is better or worse off than I am. I think I'm more passionate and romantic than most and have no desire to gravitate back to the average, and what I specifically find attractive on women is wrapped up in that. I said it in the original post--I'm fully capable of suppressing this feeling I have towards long hair, but I have NO desire to simply suppress it. The average person would do exactly that--I can do that, and if I had, I never would've posted this thread. However, I believe it to be unhealthy to simply squash the negative emotions I'm feeling towards my girlfriend's short hair--I'd rather explore my own feelings about it until I feel as if there's nothing more to explore. I'm not quite there yet.

 

The bolded is what I have trouble understanding. My H has had haircuts, beard looks, clothing, etc that I've not been particularly attracted to---but they didn't affect my attraction to him (his touch, his smell, his essence) at all.

 

I question if her essence stirs you, or if her hair is/was what stirred you.

[lululucy]

Did you not say earlier that she goes through cycles of having long to having short hair?

[xxoo]

Most women I see with short haircuts are older; I'm never sure if they're doing it for lower maintenance or because they believe that gray hair looks worse when it's longer.

 

Many women cut their hair as they age because long hair visually pulls the face down, while short hair can be more flattering to aging features.

 

Also, there is some pressure to conform, because long hair is considered "youthful"....and wearing it too long looks like she's trying too hard to look young. Short is considered more "age appropriate".

 

Also, the texture of hair changes with age, and it is more difficult to keep it looking healthy and shiny. It may break more easily, too, making long hair impossible.

[Els]

Yea, I'm hoping she goes in that direction, and you're right, it won't take too long to grow out, but yeeks, half a year or a year is a significant amount of time. And there's always the possibility that she's set on short hair now and that's how it's gonna be from now on, which is probably the thought more than any other that caused me to post this thread.

 

As people get older, they let parts of their life life slide--their weight, their appearance, their habits, etc, so it's always possible that the appeal of a short hairstyle is wrapped up in that, greater convenience and a lessened effort on maintaining things. Most women I see with short haircuts are older; I'm never sure if they're doing it for lower maintenance or because they believe that gray hair looks worse when it's longer. I don't think my girlfriend has short hair because she's lazy--but I do think the main reason women want a short hairstyle is less about how it looks and more about how much effort it takes to manage it, and I know for sure that's the main reason she did it, she's said it. So is it one step down the path of letting yourself go? I'm never sure. But I don't think it is for her in this case, I'd be surprised if she doesn't grow it back out over the next few years.

 

Having had shoulder-length hair for the past several years myself (yeah, I'm not very creative with my hair, I've only had two styles all my life...), I agree that the maintenance involved in hair of that length is not too terrible, especially if you just ponytail it up when you're busy and only do the styling on special dates. There is a baseline level of maintenance that is needed, though - treatment, conditioning and such is still necessary.

 

I would not consider it 'letting yourself go', because convenience/time factors into all of our decisions, and it isn't unreasonable for it to factor into our fashion choices as well. I mean, guys tend to look amazing when they put in lots of hours a week at the gym building and sculpting muscles... but if a guy chooses not to do that, is he necessarily being lazy or 'letting himself go'? I don't think so - time is possibly the most valuable asset we have, so perhaps he simply decides that he has better things to do with his time than to build muscle. Ditto with girls.

[EnigmaticClarity]

Going to go all Freud on you here. You mentioned your mother had long dark hair and all your ladies have had it as well. Hrm....seems that deep in your psyche you've equated long dark hair with safety, security, love and care, as well as attractiveness. Long hair takes much care, and I'm sure you, as a youngster, might have watched your mom take care of her hair.

 

Did you have a female authoratative figure in your life that had short hair, such as a teacher or babysitter? If you didn't like her or if she was cruel, hence your imbedded dislike of short hair.

 

We all have specific things we are more attracted to then others; my last guy had long gold blond hair down to his butt and a scraggly beard and mustache. My fellow now (actually ex husband for the moment but we're getting remarried!) has a crew cut and is clean shaven. They both are six feet tall and both on the stocky side. I love my big guys; best to snuggle and cuddle with, but if my man lost weight, grew his hair out or stopped shaving, I'd love him still and be just as attracted to him. How? Because I love the person inside, not the outside. He'll always be the same geek I fell for, same one that is into gaming, doesn't care how I wear my hair, doesn't care what color it is (it's been every color in the rainbow plus some that isn't), and even through a weight gain due to an injury and medication his love for me has never waivered. That is what love is, not about hair, weight, or any other superficial thing that change.

 

Please do go all Freud on me, I do it to myself a lot--the bit I said earlier about men being threatened by homophobic feelings was fairly psychological as well. I can only think of two female figures in my life with any sort of control or influence for extended amounts of time with short hair--my mother after she cut it short when I was 12 (I remember wondering why she did it even then and wished she had kept it long, pretty sure I didn't tell her that then, but I told her when I was talking to her about my girlfriend cutting her hair a few months ago), and my ex-girlfriend's mother who always had short hair, she was a very controlling person and although we were both strong-willed and she didn't directly control me, she GREATLY controlled her daughter, and that, in turn, controlled big parts of my relationship with her. I felt that my ex's mother was one of those women who cut her hair and gained weight once she had stability in a relationship, which I felt was a bit abusive towards her husband. I generally feel that letting your appearance slide as a man OR a woman--and I think men are more often guiltier of it than women are--is unhealthy and disrespectful towards your significant other.

 

I love my girlfriend despite the short hair, but attraction is something I can't separate from the physical. I mean, I CAN, but I'm not willing to do it, yet. It feels like giving up. I can see myself doing it someday...certainly our bodies force us to do that the older we get...but not yet.

[Mme. Chaucer]

You've been with this girlfriend for a fairly short time.

 

You've mentioned that she bristles when you mention her doing something about her looks to please you, but that this is getting better over time.

 

I think that if your relationship endures, it will continue to improve.

 

She seems to still be getting used to the idea that it is "HER" body and hair, and she should not "have" to tailor it to the desires of a man in order to be loved and wanted. Feeling that one DOES need to do that feels threatening, and a woman who is very confident and secure can usually move through that feeling and come to a place where it is just fine to choose the hair style that her man likes just because he likes it. I bet she is on her way to that place.

 

Lots of women never get there, or never even go in that direction. They are either stuck in trying to present "what men like" forever, or they get mired in the opposite dynamic ("it's MY body; if he doesn't like it then he does not love me for ME.")

 

All that said, there is a certain type of person who LOVES to change up the hair or fashion, and it sounds like she is one of them. If you stay with her for the long haul, there is a good chance that she will continue with the cycle of cutting her hair short and growing it out. A person who likes to mix things up can get to feeling kind of stagnant with the same hair over time, and just itch for a change. I have always been like that, and I have had my hair under 2 inches long to past my shoulders as well as EVERY color imaginable, curly, straight, you name it. That is probably a part of who she is, so if you really like / love her and want to spend years of your life with her, you really will need to go with the flow on that.

 

I recommend keeping a good sense of humor and perspective about this. If it keeps carrying too much weight in your relationship, it could turn out to mess things up. Even if it's not a "deal breaker," frequent friction about it could bring too much negativity in. Don't let yourself be "sad" about kissing her neck! Try to be very complimentary about how she looks with this hair (like, does it show off her beautiful jawline or her graceful neck; is her hairline at the back of her neck adorable?) You may start to see the beauty in it instead of holding onto the image of the lost mane.

 

When the hair starts to make a reappearance, though, make a BIG deal about it.

 

I hope that your relationship carries on, that you see how pretty she looks right now, and that she becomes comfortable with presenting herself in your favorite ways without feeling controlled or threatened about doing so.

[EnigmaticClarity]

This may be the "other" issue that is bigger than hair for you two. There is a power struggle going on, and she feels controlled by your input. Why does she feel controlled? (the reason may have nothing to do with you)

 

I'm her first long-term relationship and she think's she's still too used to making all decisions for herself only, she says a lot that's a problem for her. She said it when we first started dating also, so I attribute it to that, her rugged individualism.

 

 

I question if her essence stirs you, or if her hair is/was what stirred you.

 

Pretty sure it's not specific to her--I had the same issues with my ex. I feel the same lack of attraction and sense of disappointment when I see almost any beautiful woman who has short hair, such as the celebrities I mentioned earlier (Natalie Portman, Emma Watson, etc).

[EnigmaticClarity]

Did you not say earlier that she goes through cycles of having long to having short hair?

 

Yea, she says she cuts it short every 7 or 8 years.