Girlfriend cut her hair--how do I get over my attraction to long hair?

[ladyravenloft]

my ex-girlfriend's mother who always had short hair, she was a very controlling person and although we were both strong-willed and she didn't directly control me, she GREATLY controlled her daughter, and that, in turn, controlled big parts of my relationship with her. I felt that my ex's mother was one of those women who cut her hair and gained weight once she had stability in a relationship, which I felt was a bit abusive towards her husband.

 

Controlling, agressiveness....those are often placed as male traits. Because this woman showed those so powerfully, it could have ingrained the connection that short hair= controlling, agressive, I'll do what I want.

 

I don't agree that letting yourself go is a sign of disrespect or abuse to your partner; it's a sign of disrespect and abuse to yourself. We all age....we gain or lose weight...cut hair or grow hair. To not change is to stagnate, and to continue to fight the inevitable is futile and a waste of energy and time.

[EnigmaticClarity]

Also, there is some pressure to conform, because long hair is considered "youthful"....and wearing it too long looks like she's trying too hard to look young. Short is considered more "age appropriate".

 

When I was talking to my mom about all this a few years ago and asked her why she cut her hair when I was young, this is what she said, that she cut it when she was 30 because she thought she was "supposed to," that short hair was more age-appropriate. She described herself as "dumb" and not really knowing why she felt that way because she doesn't now (she's 62). When I asked her if she'd grow it long now, she said no, because it's too much hassle. She's settled into low-maintenance for a lot of things she shouldn't though, including being very obese--although overall she's doing fine and I have no reason to ride her about anything but her weight--so I can't fully respect her motivations for not wanting to grow her hair long again.

[EnigmaticClarity]

She seems to still be getting used to the idea that it is "HER" body and hair, and she should not "have" to tailor it to the desires of a man in order to be loved and wanted. Feeling that one DOES need to do that feels threatening, and a woman who is very confident and secure can usually move through that feeling and come to a place where it is just fine to choose the hair style that her man likes just because he likes it. I bet she is on her way to that place.

 

Lots of women never get there, or never even go in that direction. They are either stuck in trying to present "what men like" forever, or they get mired in the opposite dynamic ("it's MY body; if he doesn't like it then he does not love me for ME.")

 

All that said, there is a certain type of person who LOVES to change up the hair or fashion, and it sounds like she is one of them. If you stay with her for the long haul, there is a good chance that she will continue with the cycle of cutting her hair short and growing it out. A person who likes to mix things up can get to feeling kind of stagnant with the same hair over time, and just itch for a change. I have always been like that, and I have had my hair under 2 inches long to past my shoulders as well as EVERY color imaginable, curly, straight, you name it. That is probably a part of who she is, so if you really like / love her and want to spend years of your life with her, you really will need to go with the flow on that.

 

I recommend keeping a good sense of humor and perspective about this. If it keeps carrying too much weight in your relationship, it could turn out to mess things up. Even if it's not a "deal breaker," frequent friction about it could bring too much negativity in. Don't let yourself be "sad" about kissing her neck! Try to be very complimentary about how she looks with this hair (like, does it show off her beautiful jawline or her graceful neck; is her hairline at the back of her neck adorable?) You may start to see the beauty in it instead of holding onto the image of the lost mane.

 

When the hair starts to make a reappearance, though, make a BIG deal about it.

 

I hope that your relationship carries on, that you see how pretty she looks right now, and that she becomes comfortable with presenting herself in your favorite ways without feeling controlled or threatened about doing so.

 

I don't talk about this with her at all since the week she cut her hair, so I don't think it's carrying too much weight from HER perspective--but it is from mine, which is what brings me to this thread, to help change my thinking. I suspect you're right about her being on her way to a place where she'd choose to cut her hair in part because I'd enjoy it.

 

I'm hesitant to praise her short hair though...I feel like that'd just encourage her to keep it that way. I need to get to a place first where I actually can honestly praise the positive features of the style, and I'm not there yet.

[EnigmaticClarity]

I don't agree that letting yourself go is a sign of disrespect or abuse to your partner; it's a sign of disrespect and abuse to yourself. We all age....we gain or lose weight...cut hair or grow hair. To not change is to stagnate, and to continue to fight the inevitable is futile and a waste of energy and time.

 

Oh, definitely, it's disrespectful to yourself, but I strongly feel that letting yourself go is just as disrespectful to that person you're sharing your life with. That doesn't mean I have any problem whatsoever with switching up the way you look, not at all--it's one of the main reasons I'm trying to get over my fetish for long hair, I should expect short hair on my significant other for periods of time and learn to deal with it no matter who I'm with, because as you say, their desire for change is healthy.

 

I do have a problem with going short-haired and never going back because short is easier when your significant other prefers long. I'll use the counterargument to "it'll grow back!" right back at the perpetual short-hairs out there--you can always cut it again later! I've got the same problem with gaining weight, but multiplied by five since it's also a health risk.

[Woggle]

That model you posted the picture of is really hot. If your girlfriend looks like that consider yourself lucky.

[allina]

There are 2 obvious conclusions here.

 

1) A super short haircut is not attractive to most men. It is even less attractive on a woman that is 6'1 and has a "I do what I want" attitude.

 

2) Wolf needs to quit bitching about women not paying attention to him and go give it to ShannonMI because "wolfie" she is asking for it

[Negative Nancy]

Women must be out of their minds to cut their hair that short, men universally agree short lesbian hair is ugly.

 

men must be out of their minds to work in low-income jobs and neglect a good workout, women universally agree being poor and skinny is ugly.

 

 

(weren't you even the one that stopped working out? that makes the apparent hypocrisy even more hilarious )

[EnigmaticClarity]

That model you posted the picture of is really hot. If your girlfriend looks like that consider yourself lucky.

 

Oh, I absolutely do consider myself lucky...which is the reason I'm trying to work through my hangup.

[xxoo]

When I was talking to my mom about all this a few years ago and asked her why she cut her hair when I was young, this is what she said, that she cut it when she was 30 because she thought she was "supposed to," that short hair was more age-appropriate. She described herself as "dumb" and not really knowing why she felt that way because she doesn't now (she's 62). When I asked her if she'd grow it long now, she said no, because it's too much hassle. She's settled into low-maintenance for a lot of things she shouldn't though, including being very obese--although overall she's doing fine and I have no reason to ride her about anything but her weight--so I can't fully respect her motivations for not wanting to grow her hair long again.

 

You can't respect your mother's motivations in keeping her hair short?

 

You really do have hair issues beyond the norm

 

Also, doing the math....are you in your 40s? Is there a huge age gap between you and your gf?

[EnigmaticClarity]

You can't respect your mother's motivations in keeping her hair short?

 

You really do have hair issues beyond the norm

 

Also, doing the math....are you in your 40s? Is there a huge age gap between you and your gf?

 

I can't respect my mother's motivations for doing things in general due to her obesity. She's got early-onset diabetes due to her weight, which inspired her to lose it when she first got her diagnosis--but now she's gained it back again. That's what I can't respect, and she says the same thing about herself, that's she's letting herself go and she hates the fact herself that she's doing it, she sees it as a matter of will just as I do. If she lets herself go in that regard, she likely lets herself go in many ways. My girlfriend hates how she ignores expiration dates on food--she'll eat a can of beans or soup with an expiration date that's years in the past. I'm pretty sure the ENTIRE reason she'd never consider long hair is maintenance hassle, which just marks it as another thing she's allowing to slide. Not that I'm perfect myself, I let things slide...but I don't forgive myself for it, either.

 

I'm 40, girlfriend is 35.

Edited December 6, 2011 by EnigmaticClarity

[EnigmaticClarity]

I can't respect my mother's motivations for doing things in general due to her obesity.

 

The way I phrased this is an overstatement--I just meant that if she's letting her weight slide, I'm sure she's letting other stuff slide as well. We all tend to do that as we get older.

 

When I was talking to her a few months ago, I asked her what she would do if her husband preferred long hair. Her response was "HA! That'd be tough **** for him!" I followed up with "you don't care what he thinks about you?" She said "oh yea, yea I do," so I asked "well then why not grow it out?" She responded that he had let himself go in so many ways--he's more obese than she is--that she didn't feel the need to. When I asked what she'd do if he lost his weight and preferred her with longer hair, she said she didn't know what she'd do.

 

I NEVER want to get into the game of "oh you're letting yourself go in THIS way, so I'm going to let myself go in THAT way." That's a terrible cycle to get into.

[xxoo]

You equate short hair with "letting yourself go", and that may be true for some people....but is that the case for your girlfriend?

 

For me, shorter hair is more work. My hair is long as a default (currently 3" past my bra strap) because I do nothing to it other than wash it every other day and brush it.

 

When it is shorter (shorter than shoulder length, and I've had it pixie short), I have to blow dry it, use products, wash it EVERY morning, and get regular trims. But, to me, it looks more grown up and stylish. It looks more professional shorter, too. The times I've done it, it's been in effort to look more together and polished.

[EnigmaticClarity]

You equate short hair with "letting yourself go", and that may be true for some people....but is that the case for your girlfriend?

 

I don't think it's the case for her--although I'm not totally sure of it. Reduced maintenance and management of keeping it out of her face were the main reasons she talked about; when I heard her complaining about it the appearance of it wasn't what I heard her complaining about. So I don't think so, she wanted to just SEE if it's easier, but I don't know, maybe now that she sees it's easier, that's it, she's got short hair now and that's how it'll be from now on. But I doubt it, I expect she'll switch it again.

[Wolf18]

men must be out of their minds to work in low-income jobs and neglect a good workout, women universally agree being poor and skinny is ugly.

 

 

(weren't you even the one that stopped working out? that makes the apparent hypocrisy even more hilarious )

 

 

Is that really the equivalent to a woman going out of her way to cut her hair short just because she's too lazy to wash it every other day?

 

Dating as a woman is so horrible, and the standards are so unattainable. I have to be a stock broker that competes for title of Mr Olympia every year to be attractive, all you need is to not be fat and cancel that appointment with Ellen Degeneres' hair cutter.

 

It's not hypocrisy, it's just more female slanted double standards where you can do anything and still be considered attractive, while only a tiny sliver of a percentage of males are the "Type" good enough for the typical American women.