Girlfriend cut her hair--how do I get over my attraction to long hair?

[sweetjasmine]

I agree with Woggle on this one. I realise men are visual, although at some point physical qualities that we are attracted to and stuff that is attractive might fade.

 

I agree, too, and don't really see what the fuss is about. I've had a habit since I was in middle school of growing out my hair almost down to my waist and then chopping it off to right above my shoulders. It's just how I deal with my hair. I like having it long, but it becomes such a huge pain to deal with. I get sick of cleaning long hair out of the drain, pulling on it when I try to roll over in bed, tying it up, pulling it back, shedding all over, getting it out of my face in the wind, getting it caught in buttons and zippers, getting it tangled up in scarves, that at some point it feels awesome to walk into a salon, chop it off, and walk around feeling 5 pounds lighter.

 

My fiance knew about this when we started dating and he prefers the long hair on me. Shorter hair frames my face much better, but he has a thing for long hair. The times since we've dated that I've cut my hair, he's protested, slightly, and asked me to just leave it long. But it hasn't caused any problems for us. It's hair, FFS. He's changed his facial hair 3 times in the past few years, and although I may prefer one over the other, it's his face, not mine. I'm not going to get upset because he refuses to shave or grow a beard.

 

What if she were to loose her hair?

 

This is what I was thinking. I've known two young women who went through cancer scares, and chemo left them nearly bald. One of them was so ashamed of it.

[xxoo]

Ultimately it is her hair, and she should keep it the way that she likes it best.

 

A big consideration of how I like my hair best is my SO's opinion.

 

Let her know how you feel. If short hair makes her look masculine in your opinion, by all means let her know so that she has that information. Personally, I would never cut my hair that short again if my SO told me that

 

But if it is just a preference (my H prefers my hair long, but doesn't actually mind it short--still thinks I look very feminine), I would be more likely to play with the length. He likes to play around with the length of his own hair and beard, and doesn't begrudge me the same.

 

And it does grow back! Mine has been long, short, and everything in between at least 5 times since high school.

[grkBoy]

I think the OP is handling himself marvellously and that his post demonstrated thoughtfulness and sensitivity, as well. He has also stated that he does not wish to leave his gf.

 

However, I disagree with the bolded statements of yours. Let's put it this way - if you really wanted to get yourself a crew-cut and your gf doesn't like men with crew-cuts, and you still did it, do you think she would be justified in leaving you as you stated in bold? Or would you call her a shallow bitch for that?

 

I've told my bf that I don't like the way a crew-cut looks on him, but if he ever went ahead and did it, I'd be just, meh. I would never, ever consider leaving him just because he cut his hair shorter than I find attractive. If someone is willing to do that, they did not have much of a relationship to begin with IMO. Mine goes deeper than just his hair. From the looks of things, the OP's does too.

 

I agree that his gf should not have gone ahead and done it, but it certainly does not seem like a good reason to leave a LTR.

 

In all honesty, i don't think any of it is justified. The bolded statements are merely stating things that actually happen. I don't condone cheating or dumping someone for chopping their hair off, but I have seen men and women dump their SOs for doing such drastic changes.

 

I agree the OP is handling this very well, but I still think his GF is a bit bratty to do this. In some RLs the change like that can even have other effects, like the woman who chopped her hair off suddenly wants to get frisky, but now her man isn't in the mood because he doesn't find her sexually attractive anymore. We can claim he's being shallow, but he'll see the hair, think she looks like a boy, and suddenly can't get an erection. Suddenly it becomes a bigger problem.

 

It's only hair...and it's not a valid reason to up and dump someone. Unfortunately people have gone "irrational" and did it anyway. I just think man or woman, neither should do some drastic physical change without discussing it with their partner. It's like in the Simpsons when Homer decided to gain 100+ more pounds to end up on disability and then Marge simply said she didn't find him attractive anymore.

[Woggle]

I realize women can be just as shallow and I call them out as well. I am trying not to be a hypocrite plus short hair is not unattractive to me unless it is completely bald.

[crayolachalk]

Ahh, this brings me back. hahaha

 

Back in February my ex and I broke up after nearly 8 years. There was a time she wanted to cut her hair short and I, being young and stupid (I was 15, maybe 16 at the time), wasn't reacting in the best or most mature way. It went on for a while and finally came the day where she got out of work, called me up and said "would you still love me if I cut my hair? I want to go get it cut right now." I said "yeah, I'll still love you... but please don't do it. It looks so nice the way it is" and stuff like that. She didn't wanna hear it, kind of yelled at me saying "fine, I won't get it cut. Whatever" and hung up on me.

 

Not so surprisingly, she wound up getting it. It was a bit awkward when I was sitting in the parking lot of a shopping center eating pizza with my best friend and she walked by with her best friend, both sporting new short haircuts. *sigh*

 

I think I took it pretty well though. I didn't act angry once it was done... it wasn't going to make it grow back any faster.

 

She got tired of the short hair pretty quickly and "hated" it. Started growing it back out and planned to grow it longer than she had ever had it before. The longer it got, the more I liked it and I definitely let her know. I kind of realized I, uh, have a fetish for long hair. Idk... can't figure out why. That's just the way it is and when I realized it, I let her know haha.

 

Back in February, as our relationship was burning out, she suddenly decided she wanted to cut it all off. Once she cut it, we hung out and went bowling with some friends. She accused me of being quiet and weird around her all night (even though we were in 2 separate groups cuz we had 10 people). We talked, I told her I wasn't feeling loved anymore (no, not because of the haircut haha) and we broke up mutually.

 

Last week I found out that 2 weeks after we ended our nearly 8 year relationship, she started dating another guy. 2 weeks after we ended it, I was a mess. Can't say I look at her the same way ever since last week.

 

But anyway, moral of this story is that if she knows you like long hair and cut it anyway, there may be more to it than just wanting a haircut. I hope not. And who knows, maybe in my case I'm just thinking too deeply into it but I can't help but think my ex cut her hair drastically to finally make me break up with her or say something because she didn't have the guts to just break up with me.

 

Oh, and to top it off, back in June she tweeted on twitter "wish I didn't look like a guy. I'm growing my hair back out." That just kind of added to the thought that she didn't want short hair, she just wanted to get rid of me.

[EnigmaticClarity]

Eh, most people do struggle with such issues. Maybe the chopping partially signifies her desire to be rid of such issues... some kind of attack on them, lol. Whatever the reason(s), good luck in coming to better terms with it... and I hope she can too.

 

The chopping definitely was an attempt to rid herself of insecurity, at least in part, most of it was she finds long hair oppressive, hard to deal with, and a visual crutch that allows her to hide her face--or so she says, I've never seen her hair over her face so how it serves in that capacity is beyond my understanding.

[EnigmaticClarity]

On the note of women's hair preferences, I've been rejected before partially for not having long hair . If anything, women may prefer long hair, but sorry, I don't give a sh*t, long pretty barbie hair is not for me.

 

Everyone has different preferences, but I'd be shocked if anything CLOSE to a majority of women preferred long hair on men. I'd guess that 80% prefer short hair and would be surprised to find it to be as low as only 60% preferring it.

[EnigmaticClarity]

Sounds like it's most likely that she just doesn't look good with hair that short, doesn't match her face, she's too tall for it, etc. I prefer shorter hair on a woman but not 2", and not on a 6 footer unless she has a very feminine body.

 

I don't really know--I can't stand ANY woman with short hair. Natalie Portman and Emma Stone's short haircuts are absolutely tragic to me, they both look like 12-year old boys now.

[EnigmaticClarity]

I don't understand this.

 

Why do you need to look at pictures of other women with short hair...in an effort to find your gf attractive?? How does that help?

 

To get used to the aesthetic of short hair.

 

I can't say it's making me more attracted to short hair, but looking at more pictures of women with short hair is at least getting me more used to it. I'm undecided as to whether that's a good or a bad thing.

[EnigmaticClarity]

What if she were to loose her hair? I have a friend that lost all of the hair on her body after her second child. Her husband struggled with this for years and now they are not together because his attraction was skin deep. She is the most beautiful person I have met to date...she is really pretty and wears wigs and you can't even tell (actually I have seen pics of her prior to the hair loss and she is prettier now IMO).

 

There are two differences between your friend's situation and mine--she didn't choose to remove all her hair knowing her husband wouldn't like it, and she actually did make an effort to wear wigs to get back to where she was. If she had cut her hair for medical reasons, I'd probably be in the same frame of mind I am now--trying to become more accepting of short hairstyles--but I wouldn't have the added issue of her caring so little for my attraction to long hair.

 

Her attitude about my attraction is well-explored by me though, I'm past it and don't feel as though I have a lingering issue with it. It's a concern, but not a deal-breaker, and I hope she eventually gets over that and cares more about what I think, I think the odds of that are excellent.

[EnigmaticClarity]

not sure if I'd have changed my appearance if my boyf had a must-have. I once wanted to get my stomach 'done' but he liked my plump belly. Hair can grow back. *mischeivious* grow a beard and see how she handles you. I know this thread has had lots of differing views, mind you, but this is a simple request from you. So what's so hard about saying yes?

 

Since the short haircut fiasco she's asked me to grow a beard. I generally don't want to because I'm 40 and while my hair is still mostly dark brown, my beard is a LOT more gray so I suspect it'll make me look significantly older. I did tell her that if she really wanted me to I'd definitely do it; I couldn't tell if it was just a passing fancy or not for her. Her response to that kind of thing is that she only wants me to do it if I want to do it, and that she refuses to get into the "trading game" of her keeping long hair in exchange for me doing something for her.

[xxoo]

The chopping definitely was an attempt to rid herself of insecurity, at least in part, most of it was she finds long hair oppressive, hard to deal with, and a visual crutch that allows her to hide her face--or so she says, I've never seen her hair over her face so how it serves in that capacity is beyond my understanding.

 

She may not mean literally hiding her face, but rather figuratively letting her face stand on its own, without the crutch of "pretty hair" to make her look "pretty".

 

I know that I am attracted to guys with long hair (think surfer-look), without even regarding their face.

[EnigmaticClarity]

Let her know how you feel. If short hair makes her look masculine in your opinion, by all means let her know so that she has that information. Personally, I would never cut my hair that short again if my SO told me that

 

I have, from the first moment she mentioned short hair as something she was considering. Here are the exact texts we exchanged when she first brought it up copied and pasted:

___________________________________

 

her: what about this one for me, but a little bit shorter? (pic of woman with a pixie cut was attached to message)

 

me: I'm the wrong person to ask--I've never understood the aesthetics of short hair on a woman.

 

her: you're horrible.

 

me: I'm not homophobic, but short hair reminds me of guys.

 

her: that's asinine. on so many levels. what does that have to do with homophobia? why do you feel it necessary to begin that statement with 'I'm not homophobic...'

 

me: Why's it asinine? I'm not disagreeing, I just don't know why I and what I believe to be a majority of people cling to that same aesthetic. My best guess is that it directly relates to gender roles--we're used to seeing men with short-to-medium hair and women with medium-to-long hair, so when we see men with long hair or women with short hair, we're reminded of the opposite sex because that's where we most commonly see those hairstyles.

 

her: I'm done talking to you. you must have better things to do. I should be focussing on other things as well. I am almost guaranteed to cut my hair short now, just to spite you and your very small mind.

___________________________________

 

I didn't directly answer her question as to why men not liking short hair relates to homophobia, but I've long suspected that a contributing reason to why men don't like short hair is because it reminds them of guys, and that it's not simply an aesthetic preference, but homophobia subconsciously prevents them from even THINKING about liking it because the unthinking, macho parts of their mentality is afraid that accepting short hair could be the same as opening their minds to homosexuality. I don't think that really makes much logical sense, nor am I sure today how prevalent that really is--I suspect it's a minority of people who feel that way--but I do believe it isn't an uncommon part of the subconscious reaction to a woman's short hair by homophobic men.

 

Clearly her last response is a problem, but as I've said a few times already--it's a concern but definitely not a deal-breaker.

[Art_Critic]

I don't mind short hair but prefer longer hair.. you have to be able to grab a hold of something to pull on from behind

 

I do however think that a man who is trying to get his GF to not cut her hair that she says she wants to cut to the point he is actually getting into slight disagreements over is pushing it way to far and is showing a controlling aspect of his personality.

 

A person should be able to cut their own hair however they want.. period.. if they want a second opinion then fine.. but that opinion doesn't rule..

[EnigmaticClarity]

Oh, and to top it off, back in June she tweeted on twitter "wish I didn't look like a guy. I'm growing my hair back out." That just kind of added to the thought that she didn't want short hair, she just wanted to get rid of me.

 

My girlfriend is already familiar with the phenomenon of short hair making her look masculine--she told me months ago the only reason she hasn't always had short hair over the years is that it crushed her ego whenever someone at her job mistook her for a man. She works in the medical field and wears form-hiding scrubs all day, so it's understandably easy to see that happening given her height and gender-obscuring work clothing. She said it was mostly senior citizens who did that...I know when I see someone I can't tell is a man or a woman, I don't say anything at all until I'm sure one way or the other, but eh, I suppose if I were 80 with Alzheimer's or Parkinson's, the odds of me calling a somewhat gender-neutral woman "sir" are pretty good.

[xxoo]

I have, from the first moment she mentioned short hair as something she was considering. Here are the exact texts we exchanged when she first brought it up copied and pasted:

.

 

That exchange was about your general feelings regarding short hair on women.

 

She may have hoped that your attraction to her would override those general feelings, and be surprised to learn that you find her masculine with short hair.

[EnigmaticClarity]

Surprised nobody mentioned having her wear a wig sometimes yet

 

someone did

[Lurkers1983]

If any woman was ever so dismissive of my feelings I'd say 'Bye-Bye'.

 

 

If that's how you would like to be treated, why do you have a hard time understanding the idea of respecting other people's feelings?

 

Look at some of the posts you write. You preach to others about owning responsibility, acting like an adult, and to quit whining, yet you're saying that you would walk out on a woman that acted dismissive of your feelings.

 

How can you complain about a woman dismissing your feelings, yet you do the exact same to others?

 

Man up and practice what you preach.

[Ilovewater]

It's her hair, so she can wear it however she wants. It's nice that she wanted to see what your opinion would be, so at least she gave you a "warning" before she went to get it done. I agree that 2" is pretty short, but it's just hair. It'll grow out again.

[daphne]

I don't know that you can or should get over your attraction to long hair. Your gf sounds young, and like a lot of them they are fairly stubborn about the idea of actually doing something that might make their bf happy. There was another poster on here that went through this. I don't know if she went through with it. It seems like some sort of test of whether or not you love the girl for who she is and not her looks. But if you grew a Brad Pitt gross braided goatee looking thing, how much do you think she'd love you?

 

I have long hair. A former bf asked me to grow it longer. So I did. Until it grew more than halfway down my back. I have him to thank for what appeared to be the impetus in my dating life. I sometimes really hate the maintenance involved with long hair. But it's my bread and butter so I'm stuck with it.

 

Would it kill her to grow it back? I can't imagine any kind of pixie looking cut. Shudder.

[Eternal Sunshine]

It is going to take YEARS for it to grow long from the pixie cut.

 

My boyfriend is the opposite of you as in, he prefers short hair. I cut mine into a bob and think it looks better this way. I also prefer his hair cut and styled certain way and he does it for me. I don't think that your gf was very considerate.

[EnigmaticClarity]

It is going to take YEARS for it to grow long from the pixie cut.

 

Yea, that's what I think every time someone says "at least it grows out." It's a year before it's anywhere close to the lengths I like...and even that assumes she doesn't keep cutting it short.

[Ilovewater]

But if she really likes the short hair, you can't force her to not cut it short either. My boyfriend also prefers long hair, and I've never grown my hair long once in the years we've been together. Of course, I want to be attractive to my boyfriend, but he also has to respect the fact that I'm more comfortable in my hairstyle.

[Ariadne]

I'd like to figure out exactly WHY I have this attraction, and more importantly, figure out how I can change what I'm attracted to. It's a tricky psychological thing I'm wanting to understand, not simply "get over"

 

It's normal that you are attracted to long hair..

 

It is mentioned in the Bible:

 

"But if a woman have long hair, it is a glory to her: for her hair is given her for a covering." 1 Corinthians 11:15

 

Same as in the Quran:

 

The Fatwa is that a woman should let her hair grow naturally long even way below the shoulder line and is only allowed to trim the bottom to even out the split ends or to enhance the growth. This trimming does not exceed more than a few inches.

Hence, it is in no way permissible for a woman to shorten her hair up to shoulder length.

 

And also:

 

A woman should not have a hairstyle that resembles a man's hairstyle.

[lululucy]

I'd agree that your preference is probably due to social training --I don't know how you'd erase that many years of thought patterns. I'd suggest seeing a professional about it if you do really want to keep your relationship strong.

 

I know I dated a guy who told me that he hated blonde hair and constantly told me that he wanted me to keep it dark.. it ended up making me feel really awful about myself. I can understand her wanting to change her hair, especially if it's a documented phase she goes through periodically. (The week my ex and I broke up, I went and dyed my hair blonde and I have felt SO MUCH BETTER since then. As much as I agree she should take your opinion into consideration, she shouldn't at the expense of her own self esteem.)