Should I walk away from him?

[foralittlerespect]

Where to begin, where to begin…I’ll preface this by saying that throughout most of my 1.5 year relationship with my live in boyfriend, I have never doubted his fidelity. That was, until he started accusing me of flirting, cheating, etc. on a regular basis, none of which has happened. Even when I would react calmly and coolly and say “I love you sweetie. I could never cheat on you” (nor have I ever cheated on anyone!) To which he will say (sometimes) “I wish you would just admit it!” or “It’s clear as daylight, you cheated!!” Here are some red flags that have popped up recently, advice much appreciated.

 

1. The phone. Often, he actually WILL leave it out…he knows he can trust me not to look through it. However, his phone goes off all the time because he texts a lot, he hardly ever answers his phone in front of me and often takes calls in the other room (this could very well be work related, but I don’t know…) I’ve glanced at his phone before and seen girls’ names that I don’t recognize, to which he will say they are just friends or business clients

2. Exes. I had one meeting with an ex early in our relationship. I left early (after 15 minutes) because he wasn’t supportive of my new relationship. My boyfriend accused me of still having feelings for this guy, to which I assured him I didn’t. This happened over a year ago, and I apologized for it profusely. He still brings it up. Meanwhile, he still has regular contact with exes, which he hardly ever talks with me about. He also brings up his sexual relations with exes and talks about them positively “i.e. my ex was so tight” or “my ex sucked my d*** so good after I took her to a movie.” I asked him to stop, and he sees no problem with this.

3. Open relationship? (WTF?!) Recently, my boyfriend said how he could see himself being in an open relationship, to which I replied I could never do that, it would be too difficult for me. I then asked him if that’s what he wanted with me, to which he replied “yes.” I then told him to leave and he said he was “just joking” about the entire ordeal. Yeah. Right.

4. Girls. My boyfriend has friends that are girls, and I’m fine with that. There is a girl in particular that he recently became friends with, and when he told me about her he said that she was really cool and “punk” (she plays in a punk band in town and that just so happens to be his favorite genre of music) and her hair was pink and purple and that she could REALLY sing (I am a vocalist myself). He blew off plans with me to go see her play, took her to a movie I told him I really wanted to see, and has talked to her about things between us and made it a point to tell me so in a not-so-nice way. Also, he called me yesterday to ask if I wanted to work out after work to which I enthusiastically replied “Yes! I’m looking forward to it!” When I got home ready to go, he said he wasn’t interested because he already went swimming that day with his lady friend. Figures.

5. Texts. About every 2 weeks, my boyfriend will send me a text meant for someone else. Recently, I received a text from him mockingly discussing I fight we had and advice to his buddy “Don’t ever get involved with those types, brother.” It was obviously about me. And when I confronted him, he mocked me and told me “not everything is about you!”

6. Facebook. Our relationship status has dissolved several times, and I have had to add him again as my boyfriend. I don’t make that big of a deal out of it, but it seems weird to me that he seems to be taking our relationship status down every few months. He chalks it up to facebook being weird, deleting his account, etc. etc. My gut tells me otherwise. I even had a family member ask if everything was ok between he and I because our facebook relationship status was so shaky! I know it’s just facebook and I shouldn’t freak out about it, but it’s weird to me that I have to remind him to add me as his girlfriend….

7. Lies. He has lied to me about BIG stuff. I once confronted him with irrefutable evidence that he had lied, and it took him a full 30 minutes to produce an apology! I consider myself to be a very honest person (almost to a fault) and he calls me a liar and manipulator. I actually started believing this, too, and amped up my efforts to be MORE open and MORE honest. He still hasn’t stepped up to the plate and continues to see me as the liar and himself as the honest, blameless, and righteous victim.

8. Shaming. He regularly brings up my past mistakes in relationships (there have been a lot!) and will say “Well, if you got involved with THAT person, anything I’ve done must not be so bad.” I have told him many times to not bring up the past to injure, mock, or shame me. I recently tried to break it off with him because he wouldn't stop doing this, and he reacted by sobbing uncontrollably and owning his behavior, promising to go to a counselor (which he did). Unfortunately and unsurprisingly, the counselor he sees tells my boyfriend that HE is the victim in this relationship, and that HE is the one tolerating MY behavior! Just more ammo for him to use against me when I protest that he isn’t treating me well.

 

 

Thoughts everyone? Is there any way to save this??

[RiverRunning]

Do you even have to ask, OP? To me, it reads crystal clear - the reason he's meeting all of these women, taking phone calls in other rooms and conveniently getting rid of you on Facebook is because he's on the prowl. Whether for an affair or the girlfriend who will come after you, it's hard to say, but something suspicious is going on.

 

It's also very telling that he mocks you so much or that his first response to any fight you have is to childishly run to friends with mocking text messages, or he brings up your past as a way to hurt you. That's never good. He sounds very emotionally abusive.

 

Move on - I think this is going to get worse. I believe that he's projecting his thoughts of cheating onto you. If he can prove that you are a cheater - he can absolve himself of guilt for having the same feelings.

[ditzchic]

Wow. You're ex sounds so similar to mine. He would just pick my phone up off the table and start going through it, read my facebook messages, ask about every guy he saw me add as a friend on facebook all of that junk. Meanwhile he had a ton of female friends that he would hang out with all the time. Told me that if one of the girls he worked with wasn't married that he would have been on that years ago. One of his best friends was female friends and he willingly told me he thought was incredibly attractive and they would actually have sleepovers (he told me he slept on the couch and I believed him at that point, I don't really care anymore). His facebook was filled with those girls with their gratuitous titty/duckface in the mirror shots who left all kinds of comments on his page. He even did the whole, would open relationship thing with me (only he was more interested in swinging) and then tell me he was just joking when I made the 'shut the eff up face'.

 

I can't say whether or not I think your guy is cheating. Only you can tell the difference between justified suspicion or just paranoid.

 

But I think you definitely need to consider moving on. It seems like a compatibility issue in the least. Either he is a total and utter pig, or he just thinks it's ok to act like that around you. Either way, you seem like a smart, confident articulate woman. I don't think there's any question that you guys probably aren't best-suited for each other.

 

Go out and find a guy that respects you and treats you how you deserve to be treated. Let this chump go find someone more on his own level.

[Appleanche]

Where to begin, where to begin…I’ll preface this by saying that throughout most of my 1.5 year relationship with my live in boyfriend, I have never doubted his fidelity. That was, until he started accusing me of flirting, cheating, etc. on a regular basis, none of which has happened. Even when I would react calmly and coolly and say “I love you sweetie. I could never cheat on you” (nor have I ever cheated on anyone!) To which he will say (sometimes) “I wish you would just admit it!” or “It’s clear as daylight, you cheated!!”

 

He is projecting - he’s accusing you of what he’s doing, to get the attention off himself, to confuse the issue and make you unsure, and because his own misdeed or guilt is leaking out all over the place. This is not "normal" everyday conversation here. To accuse you of cheating for NO reason makes ZERO sense unless he is guilty himself.

 

1. The phone. Often, he actually WILL leave it out…he knows he can trust me not to look through it. However, his phone goes off all the time because he texts a lot, he hardly ever answers his phone in front of me and often takes calls in the other room (this could very well be work related, but I don’t know…) I’ve glanced at his phone before and seen girls’ names that I don’t recognize, to which he will say they are just friends or business clients

 

Ok well this actually contradicts the cheating theory to some degree... he would not "trust you" to not look through his phone if he were up to something, unless of course he had deleted any texts and other traces of women.

 

2. Exes. I had one meeting with an ex early in our relationship. I left early (after 15 minutes) because he wasn’t supportive of my new relationship. My boyfriend accused me of still having feelings for this guy, to which I assured him I didn’t. This happened over a year ago, and I apologized for it profusely. He still brings it up. Meanwhile, he still has regular contact with exes, which he hardly ever talks with me about. He also brings up his sexual relations with exes and talks about them positively “i.e. my ex was so tight” or “my ex sucked my d*** so good after I took her to a movie.” I asked him to stop, and he sees no problem with this.

 

Those are just sh*tty things to say to you. Why are you putting up with this??

 

3. Open relationship? (WTF?!) Recently, my boyfriend said how he could see himself being in an open relationship, to which I replied I could never do that, it would be too difficult for me. I then asked him if that’s what he wanted with me, to which he replied “yes.” I then told him to leave and he said he was “just joking” about the entire ordeal. Yeah. Right.

 

Of course he wants that. RED FLAG.

 

4. Girls. My boyfriend has friends that are girls, and I’m fine with that. There is a girl in particular that he recently became friends with, and when he told me about her he said that she was really cool and “punk” (she plays in a punk band in town and that just so happens to be his favorite genre of music) and her hair was pink and purple and that she could REALLY sing (I am a vocalist myself). He blew off plans with me to go see her play, took her to a movie I told him I really wanted to see, and has talked to her about things between us and made it a point to tell me so in a not-so-nice way. Also, he called me yesterday to ask if I wanted to work out after work to which I enthusiastically replied “Yes! I’m looking forward to it!” When I got home ready to go, he said he wasn’t interested because he already went swimming that day with his lady friend. Figures.

 

He's sure doing a lot with her. Sorry but that would bug me. Spending that much time and engaging in too many activities with another woman is just inappropriate, especially when it cuts into your time significantly.

 

5. Texts. About every 2 weeks, my boyfriend will send me a text meant for someone else. Recently, I received a text from him mockingly discussing I fight we had and advice to his buddy “Don’t ever get involved with those types, brother.” It was obviously about me. And when I confronted him, he mocked me and told me “not everything is about you!”

 

You don't know what that text was in reference to. It could have been in response to something his friend had said and it may very well have ten about someone else. Don't assume.

 

6. Facebook. Our relationship status has dissolved several times, and I have had to add him again as my boyfriend. I don’t make that big of a deal out of it, but it seems weird to me that he seems to be taking our relationship status down every few months. He chalks it up to facebook being weird, deleting his account, etc. etc. My gut tells me otherwise. I even had a family member ask if everything was ok between he and I because our facebook relationship status was so shaky! I know it’s just facebook and I shouldn’t freak out about it, but it’s weird to me that I have to remind him to add me as his girlfriend….

 

Who cares. It's just Facebook. Not significant in the grand scheme of things.

 

7. Lies. He has lied to me about BIG stuff. I once confronted him with irrefutable evidence that he had lied, and it took him a full 30 minutes to produce an apology! I consider myself to be a very honest person (almost to a fault) and he calls me a liar and manipulator. I actually started believing this, too, and amped up my efforts to be MORE open and MORE honest. He still hasn’t stepped up to the plate and continues to see me as the liar and himself as the honest, blameless, and righteous victim.

 

I ask again, why are you putting up with this??

 

8. Shaming. He regularly brings up my past mistakes in relationships (there have been a lot!) and will say “Well, if you got involved with THAT person, anything I’ve done must not be so bad.” I have told him many times to not bring up the past to injure, mock, or shame me. I recently tried to break it off with him because he wouldn't stop doing this, and he reacted by sobbing uncontrollably and owning his behavior, promising to go to a counselor (which he did). Unfortunately and unsurprisingly, the counselor he sees tells my boyfriend that HE is the victim in this relationship, and that HE is the one tolerating MY behavior! Just more ammo for him to use against me when I protest that he isn’t treating me well.

 

I had an ex that did this and it made me want to claw his eyes out. I wished I never would have divulged anything personal to him. What a horrible feeling to have YOUR past thrown back in your face or used against you.

 

Thoughts everyone? Is there any way to save this??

 

Why bother? Do you not think you deserve better treatment?

[shayla]

This dude is treating you like absolute sh*t. Being alone is better than being in this emotionally abusive "relationship" I cannot even call this a relationship.

 

This is hell on earth. Do not volunteer to be treated this way. Meet someone that is going to treat you like a human being for God's sake.

 

He should be ashamed of himself to act like this.

[flutterbykiss]

Sorry, hun, but yes, it's definitely emotional abuse. Been there, played that game and it never gets any better.

 

I know it's hard to believe that it can't work because there are times when it seems like he loves you and because he cries and begs you not to leave. Unfortunately, a lot of guys who treat their gf like that have a lot of hidden insecurities. They can't bear to be abandoned or alone, which is why he begs you to come back. They seem to need female attention - constantly and often from any available source - so don't be surprised if you find out he has cheated. He is certainly showing the hallmarks of it.

 

Sadly, it's very, very unlikely to get better and not without years of therapy on his part - if he can be honest enough to admit his problems. And, yes, I've played the 'the counsellor says it's all your fault' game, too. I don't know if he lied to the therapist or lied about what the therapist said but it's just more of the abuse. It's called 'crazy making' when the abuser tries to convince the victim that she is the one with the problems. Don't fall for it.

 

The bottom line is that only you will know when you are hurt and fed up enough to make being with him not worth it anymore. It's your choice to make. Until then stay strong and don't isolate yourself from people just because they don't agree with your decision to be with him. You need them.

[freestyle]

"Should you walk away from this guy?"

 

No.

 

You should run. Far, and fast.

[foralittlerespect]

I appreciate all the feedback. It's weird, even after typing that out I had a hard time coming to grips with the fact that these things are emotionally abusive. We talked about his lady friend recently. I told him I support him being friends with her, but also about my hurt and confused feelings about it all. He then told me I was being crazy about it and let me know that if I was going to "give other males my attention" then he is free to "give attention" whomever he wants. I have never shown another male this degree of attention since we’ve been together.

 

About a year ago, I got hit on on two separate occasions at my work by two male coworkers. The attention was definitely unwanted, and I had to set it straight. In my interactions with them, I didn’t treat them any differently than I would have a female coworker. But, I set the situation straight in a very drama-free way. My boyfriend thinks there is something “off” with that, like I was trying to make him jealous when really I was just venting about my day.

 

I think this and the 15 minute meeting I had with an “ex” for him constitutes “giving males other attention.” Honestly, aside from those two occasions, I can’t think of an instance where I have done the same thing to him, but he swears I have when I protest and tell him that that’s not where I was coming from with it, had no interest in these males, etc. etc.

 

At the end of the day and after reading the responses, I am less worried about the fact that he may or may not be cheating (emotionally or otherwise) and more concerned with the logic acrobatics he is using here, telling me it’s OK for him to go to dinner and a movie with an attractive girl (a movie that I expressed strong interest in) because I had a fifteen minute coffee with an ex. That it’s ok for him to take her swimming even when he has made plans with me all because I “went to get a drink with that guy from work.” Yes, I did. With 4 middle-aged professors and a 60 something co-worker, because I felt OBLIGATED to go when I tried to back out and my coworker started holding back tears.... Also, boyfriend claimed that I was “sexually excited” when I got back…lol!

 

Overall, I generally just feel more unattractive and unworthy about myself since we’ve been dating. I’ve expressed this to him that I feel this way when he talks to me the way he does. He often shows signs of remorse and sadness over the pain I’m feeling and will apologize in a sincere way. But, I don’t think I should have to recite the rules of common decency and respect to ANYONE, much less my significant other! Yet every time I start making a move for the door (actually, HE would be the one to move out as my name is on the lease and am paying practically all the rent and bills) he acts like the kind, sweet, caring guy I know that you’d NEVER think would talk like that or treat his gf that way. Plus, nobody really knows the extent of what we say to each other, so when I opened up to a friend recently about this, she flipped out and offered to help me change my locks. It was hard to tell her what was really going on, but your advice flutterbykiss reminded me that I need them now more than ever. Even though she knows my “secret,” it will be a little harder for me to identify with the “it’s all my fault” or “I’m just too sensitive” feelings. Thank you so much…this is such a tremendous help.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

4. Girls. My boyfriend has friends that are girls, and I’m fine with that. There is a girl in particular that he recently became friends with, and when he told me about her he said that she was really cool and “punk” (she plays in a punk band in town and that just so happens to be his favorite genre of music) and her hair was pink and purple and that she could REALLY sing (I am a vocalist myself). He blew off plans with me to go see her play, took her to a movie I told him I really wanted to see, and has talked to her about things between us and made it a point to tell me so in a not-so-nice way. Also, he called me yesterday to ask if I wanted to work out after work to which I enthusiastically replied “Yes! I’m looking forward to it!” When I got home ready to go, he said he wasn’t interested because he already went swimming that day with his lady friend. Figures.

 

 

This is a person who sees himself as being in-line to bang those other women. The "friends" crap is only a ruse.

 

I am less worried about the fact that he may or may not be cheating (emotionally or otherwise) and more concerned with the logic acrobatics he is using here, telling me it’s OK for him to go to dinner and a movie with an attractive girl (a movie that I expressed strong interest in) because I had a fifteen minute coffee with an ex. That it’s ok for him to take her swimming even when he has made plans with me all because I “went to get a drink with that guy from work.”

 

 

You confuse mere acrobatics with contortionism.

[lululucy]

I see that you've already received some great responses but I thought I'd throw my two-cents in. My ex did a lot of these things when we were dating, numbers 1, 2 and 3 right before he told me he'd been cheating on me. He would leave his phone any and everywhere, but he'd changed the name of the girl he was sleeping with to the last name of one of his friends. By leaving it out, I think he thought he was cooling my suspicions. He would talk about his exes sexual prowess, and about random girls he saw on the street -- I have no problem with checking out girls but telling me "Eight and a half" while you turn in your seat to stare is something else.

 

The open relationship thing he asked me after he'd cheated the first time but not before he told me. He also asked me if I'd have a threesome with a friend of his (who turned out to be the girl he was sleeping with).

 

Even cheating aside, he is making you feel worthless and no man is worth that kind of crap. You deserve better.

[foralittlerespect]

I see that you've already received some great responses but I thought I'd throw my two-cents in. My ex did a lot of these things when we were dating, numbers 1, 2 and 3 right before he told me he'd been cheating on me. He would leave his phone any and everywhere, but he'd changed the name of the girl he was sleeping with to the last name of one of his friends. By leaving it out, I think he thought he was cooling my suspicions. He would talk about his exes sexual prowess, and about random girls he saw on the street -- I have no problem with checking out girls but telling me "Eight and a half" while you turn in your seat to stare is something else.

 

The open relationship thing he asked me after he'd cheated the first time but not before he told me. He also asked me if I'd have a threesome with a friend of his (who turned out to be the girl he was sleeping with).

 

Even cheating aside, he is making you feel worthless and no man is worth that kind of crap. You deserve better.

 

Did your ex ever joke about cheating on you and tell you that he cheated on you, only to say "just kidding?" He's done this to me several times and claims that I just don't get his sense of humor...

[lululucy]

Did your ex ever joke about cheating on you and tell you that he cheated on you, only to say "just kidding?" He's done this to me several times and claims that I just don't get his sense of humor...

 

Yep! He did that three or four times, once right when it started and then the other times as he got up the courage to confess it to me. When he did tell me he cheated, it was using the same line as when he'd been "joking" and instead of "just kidding" it was "Well, it was only a blowjob". And he told me five days later the whole shebang.

 

I think we've dated the same guy.. haha

[foralittlerespect]

I think we HAVE!!! Seriously. I have never experienced this. I think it's safe to say that he has cheated...he makes very specific jokes about it (he won't just joke and say "yeah I cheated on you haha" it's more like "well, back at that time when you were out of town I thought you were cheating on me, soo..." and then he'll fill in details here and there, then when he doesn't like my reaction, it's all a joke.

 

What was your breaking point, Lucy?

[lululucy]

then when he doesn't like my reaction, it's all a joke

That is the nail on the head right there.

 

I'd love to say I broke up with him as soon as this all happened, but I didn't. It's when I joined LS in the first place actually, Jan 09. We had a trip to England booked in May so I told myself I'd stay with him till then (he's British and I was staying with his family for a good portion of the trip) and then when we got back, I'd be done. My feelings dwindled as time went by and I was comfortable. Not to mention he tore down my self-esteem and I thought there wouldn't be anyone else there who would love me.

 

Finally a year ago in November I told him we needed a break, he needed to get his stuff together (25 and living with his gf's mom, not paying rent, working 3 days a week) and we'd see where we were. It turned into a really awful month and a half, he met someone and told me all about how "isn't it nice that there's someone out there for everyone". We kept sleeping together until about March. I really hope you don't stay with this douche the way I did -- I so so regret it now. I just prolonged the amount of time I was hurt by him and I have only recently felt really, completely over him.

[foralittlerespect]

I'm sorry to hear that...thank you for your advice. Makes it hard because things are so "good" between us right now (no fights, he's turned into Mr. wonderful again) But we all know that won't last, right?

 

Thank you for sharing your strength, it has helped me tremendously

[lululucy]

Exactly, he became AMAZING after this all happened. Back to when we first started dating, doing things for me, going out of his way to make me feel appreciated.. they make it really easy to forget.

 

Anytime! I hope sharing my somehow identical scenario has helped:)

[Flgirl44]

I stopped reading after #4. He is most definitely emotionally abusing you and I do not think that the relationship is salvageable, sorry. He needs counseling for his abuse issues and you need it to recover from him.

[flutterbykiss]

At the end of the day and after reading the responses, I am less worried about the fact that he may or may not be cheating (emotionally or otherwise) and more concerned with the logic acrobatics he is using here, telling me it’s OK for him to go to dinner and a movie with an attractive girl (a movie that I expressed strong interest in) because I had a fifteen minute coffee with an ex. That it’s ok for him to take her swimming even when he has made plans with me all because I “went to get a drink with that guy from work.” Yes, I did. With 4 middle-aged professors and a 60 something co-worker, because I felt OBLIGATED to go when I tried to back out and my coworker started holding back tears.... Also, boyfriend claimed that I was “sexually excited” when I got back…lol!

 

Overall, I generally just feel more unattractive and unworthy about myself since we’ve been dating. I’ve expressed this to him that I feel this way when he talks to me the way he does. He often shows signs of remorse and sadness over the pain I’m feeling and will apologize in a sincere way. But, I don’t think I should have to recite the rules of common decency and respect to ANYONE, much less my significant other! Yet every time I start making a move for the door (actually, HE would be the one to move out as my name is on the lease and am paying practically all the rent and bills) he acts like the kind, sweet, caring guy I know that you’d NEVER think would talk like that or treat his gf that way. Plus, nobody really knows the extent of what we say to each other, so when I opened up to a friend recently about this, she flipped out and offered to help me change my locks. It was hard to tell her what was really going on, but your advice flutterbykiss reminded me that I need them now more than ever. Even though she knows my “secret,” it will be a little harder for me to identify with the “it’s all my fault” or “I’m just too sensitive” feelings. Thank you so much…this is such a tremendous help.

 

Please re-read the bolded text and give a bit of thought to how much of your time and energy goes into constantly explaining the obvious and pleading for things that the rest of the world gets to take for granted. It's mentally and emotionally exhausting and robs you of personal resources that you could be investing other areas of your life. If you catch yourself preparing your explanations and requests habitually in advance then you have to realize that your quality of life is suffering (even when he is playing the good-guy) and that he is starting to erode your sense of freedom and autonomy. You deserve better than that.

 

I know how frustrating the cycle of good-guy, bad-guy can be. It derails your determination because it puts doubt in your mind - "what if I'm leaving just as he's finally getting better?". Sadly, it's just one more manipulation; one more way he paints you out to be the bad-guy for standing up for yourself. These guys are first class manipulators and can twist anything to support and justify what they want.

 

IME, real, deep-down change is a slow process of changing the internal thought processes and learning new behavioral patterns - It's like growing up all over again and it takes a lot of time. Instant 'make-overs' are not based on any genuine alterations within and are generally effected to get a specific response from the outside world - ie, treating you well, all of a sudden, is entirely about getting you to stay and, hence, is a manipulation and, hence, is actually treating you badly.

 

Again, I'm so sorry that you're going through this and I wish you the best in any decision you make, because it's your life. I only hope that sharing my perspective enables you to make an informed decision.

[freestyle]

 

IME, real, deep-down change is a slow process of changing the internal thought processes and learning new behavioral patterns - It's like growing up all over again and it takes a lot of time. Instant 'make-overs' are not based on any genuine alterations within and are generally effected to get a specific response from the outside world - ie, treating you well, all of a sudden, is entirely about getting you to stay and, hence, is a manipulation and, hence, is actually treating you badly.

.

 

 

Very well said, FBK---it bears repeating.

 

OP, I also recommend that you do some reading on manipulation tactics in relationships--the internet's full of good articles. George Simon, in particular, who wrote "In Sheep's Clothing" has a website about how to spot AND deal with manipulative people............very eye-opening stuff.

[foralittlerespect]

Please re-read the bolded text and give a bit of thought to how much of your time and energy goes into constantly explaining the obvious and pleading for things that the rest of the world gets to take for granted. It's mentally and emotionally exhausting and robs you of personal resources that you could be investing other areas of your life. If you catch yourself preparing your explanations and requests habitually in advance then you have to realize that your quality of life is suffering (even when he is playing the good-guy) and that he is starting to erode your sense of freedom and autonomy. You deserve better than that.

 

I know how frustrating the cycle of good-guy, bad-guy can be. It derails your determination because it puts doubt in your mind - "what if I'm leaving just as he's finally getting better?". Sadly, it's just one more manipulation; one more way he paints you out to be the bad-guy for standing up for yourself. These guys are first class manipulators and can twist anything to support and justify what they want.

 

IME, real, deep-down change is a slow process of changing the internal thought processes and learning new behavioral patterns - It's like growing up all over again and it takes a lot of time. Instant 'make-overs' are not based on any genuine alterations within and are generally effected to get a specific response from the outside world - ie, treating you well, all of a sudden, is entirely about getting you to stay and, hence, is a manipulation and, hence, is actually treating you badly.

 

Again, I'm so sorry that you're going through this and I wish you the best in any decision you make, because it's your life. I only hope that sharing my perspective enables you to make an informed decision.

 

Wow. I have never, ever thought of it that way before. Even after seeing all of these posts, my instinct is to say "well, it's not so bad..." or "well I did say that one thing that one time and he probably got angry and didn't say anything and I deserve to be reprimanded for it now..." or EVEN "God, I must come across as VERY flirtatious with other men because otherwise, why else would my boyfriend think I'm a cheater and a flirt?" I don’t speak with men anymore hardly at all because of my anxiety over being perceived this way by him. I’m working on that, because I realize that it’s perfectly ok to have friends that are males, despite what the BF might think.

 

This stuff is SO HARD. It's painful to type all this out during the "good times" (when there are no traces of abuse) because I feel like I have no right to feel the way I do because this stuff is so hard to detect, and sometimes I feel that by venting my feelings I’m betraying him somehow...The underlying feeling I have all the time is that I deserve this. I can’t explain that feeling…I’ve made mistakes in this relationship, too (mainly failures in communication, withdrawing, shutting down, and at times, lashing out when I’ve had enough and tell him to hit the road) but, nothing like cheating or consciously trying to make him feel like a bad person…

 

Thanks freestyle for the book recommendation, apparently this book has helped a lot of folks out. I grew up in an abusive environment (no physical abuse), and the author seems to think that women who were in abusive homes tend to seek out male abusers in relationships (and lots of others who write on the subject agree.)

 

I just want to remember the facts… you all think he’s abusive, along with my friends and family. I’m not painting the story to suit it to the way I want it to be (which I am so often accused of by my SO) so, he is an abuser, and I am NOT crazy…

[spiderowl]

It looks like he regularly cheats and so he assumes you are doing the same thing. I think you know this though. Why not dump him?

[fatalcharm]

Ohhh, what really irks me about this is that the counsilor he is seeing thinks that he is the victim in the relationship, this is because of what he has been telling the councilor. Basically this councilor has listened to his side of the story and made a judgement without listening to yours. They are now encouraging his bad behaiviour. This is not what a good therapist does. They are supposed to make the person realize their own mistakes so that they can work on them, not let the person feel as if they are a victim in a relationship. That person should be fired.

 

As for the relationship. he is treating you like **** and you are allowing it. I too am currently in a relationship where I am getting treated like **** and allowing it so I know what it is like to want to stay despite knowing better, but it is no wear near as bad as this!

 

As for the facebook thing, well I know it is only facebook but these days facebook is like reading the morning paper. Most people check it first thing in the morning when they wake up, check it regularly through the day at work, and the first thing they do when they get home from work is check facebook. Facebook has become a part of our lives really, so the whole relationship status thing on facebook is a big deal. You have a right to be concerned.

 

Just move on and find someone who will respect you. He may realize what he has lost after you have gone, he may not. Either way, you are better off without him. Do you really deserve all the bull crap that he is putting you through? No! You deserve peace of mind, and you will get more of that on your own, rather than with him.

[bikinibeach]

I am completely against your d-bag "boyfriend" and outraged by anyone who would put up with this!! if you check my early posts you'll see i dealt with an assclown of similar proportions.

 

this will only have one of 3 outcomes:

 

1) He breaks up with you when one the girls he's pursuing is dumb enough to want to be with him. You will be so furious seeing them happy together etc feeling like a fool wishing YOU had dumped him and not put up with any of it

 

2) He strings you along and treats you like crap and these other girls like gold forever or for a very long time leaving you emotionally battered, bitter and probably un-dateable.

 

3) You drop him cold turkey, NO CONTACT and feel sad for a while but mostly GREAT about having taken power back over your life.

 

You need this: http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk

 

Stop being so pathetic!!!

 

Oh and that whole 'I HAD to go for drinks because my co-worker had tears in his eyes when I tried to say no!!! :(:(" ....that is very WEIRD. You sound like you have a lot of learning to do as well. Not as much as your dip**** bf, but probably a bit.

 

I hope for the sake of humanity that you two are teenagers and not grown adults. what is this world coming to.......?

[Ninjainpajamas]

Damn girl, that's like pointing to a house engulfed in flames and then turning to the guy next to you holding a cup of water and saying "You think I can save the house with this cup of water?"

 

But you obviously have a lot of emotions for him in order for you to still consider being in this kind of relationship...which always begs the question...why would you ever allow yourself to be with a guy who treats you like this?

 

Although I'm sure if many women could prevent or help that fact they'd probably be happier and in a much different place.

 

I think it's going to be hard tearing away from this guy, I don't think there is anything he can do to "scare" you away, your own dignity and self-respect is going to have to do that for you...I'm sure If he told you he out right cheated on you already as brutally hurt you would be I'm not sure you would even leave at that.

 

I hope you're able to find the strength and support to demand better for yourself out of this life, this guy isn't treating you anywhere near remotely as he should be...even on his best day. It's all in your own head, you don't want to leave, you want to hope and feel like he'll change but take it from a man...we don't change overnight, especially when we're still with that person we are hurting which prevents us from seeing what we are even doing wrong.

 

You've gotta expect more from yourself, you just have to or these are the kinds of worthless guys you will end up with.

 

Oh and a lot of guys will do or punish you for their greatest fears or the things that they do to others...to make sure they don't get hurt. In fact, I think you should cheat on him...but that's the devil on my shoulder, then he'd probably get so pissed and tell you all the things he did behind your back just to try and hurt you back. I'm not saying! I'm just saying...

Edited December 14, 2011 by Ninjainpajamas

[foralittlerespect]

I am completely against your d-bag "boyfriend" and outraged by anyone who would put up with this!! if you check my early posts you'll see i dealt with an assclown of similar proportions.

 

this will only have one of 3 outcomes:

 

1) He breaks up with you when one the girls he's pursuing is dumb enough to want to be with him. You will be so furious seeing them happy together etc feeling like a fool wishing YOU had dumped him and not put up with any of it

 

2) He strings you along and treats you like crap and these other girls like gold forever or for a very long time leaving you emotionally battered, bitter and probably un-dateable.

 

3) You drop him cold turkey, NO CONTACT and feel sad for a while but mostly GREAT about having taken power back over your life.

 

You need this: www.baggagereclaim.co.uk

 

Stop being so pathetic!!!

 

Oh and that whole 'I HAD to go for drinks because my co-worker had tears in his eyes when I tried to say no!!! :(:(" ....that is very WEIRD. You sound like you have a lot of learning to do as well. Not as much as your dip**** bf, but probably a bit.

 

I hope for the sake of humanity that you two are teenagers and not grown adults. what is this world coming to.......?

 

 

Just what I needed. Bikinibeach I actually read your post a while ago, and ever since have been on that site almost every day. It's taken awhile, but my confidence is back. I'm actually starting to feel good about myself again. I'm dumping this fool. (Or AC as Nat would put it...hahaha) Baggagereclaim is fabulous, any woman who is or has been in an awful relationship should check it out, I highly recommend it. Thank you to everyone who commented on this...my head is on straight for the first time in a while...