So Here It Is...

[wilsonx]

No, she did not come back. My ex and I had a pretty rough breakup. We were both, stupid scared and ridiculous and would not listen to each other and went through a 3 month selfish phase of resentment towards each other.

 

Our breakup was brutal. I sat there and took it but it hurt like a champ. It was a cowards breakup on her end but she was scared.

 

Today I said screw it, Im breaking NC and I did. One of the things I have learned over the past 6+ months is I had absolutely no personal boundaries in this relationship. None! I will venture to say 99.96% of GIGS breakups involve dealing with people that have no personal boundaries on both ends. There is absolutely no way you can hold on and maintain attraction and acceptance of 2 people with no personal boundaries. Both of you can walk over and over and over each other. Every GIGS thread is the same thing. No personal boundaries, people sacrificing their worth with compromises instead of accepting with communication.

 

The difference between newly breakups doing and wanting this and me doing this 6 months later is because I have confidence in who I am again. I have nothing to lose by breaking NC and opening the channels of communication. I am also doing something for the first time that I have not done in a while, I am owning who I am and my feelings.

 

So I shot over an email. Here's the thing, rejection no longer hurts me. It doesn't. I have probably been rejected by more the 300+ people in 6 months. Its ok for me to hear NO or nothing and accept it. Its part of confidence. I walk away from this 6 months later without any guilt because I tried. I had the courage to try. I took a risk. I reward myself for taking risks as should everyone else throughout life. Do I care and still love her? Absolutely!

Edited December 3, 2011 by wilsonx

[YouNeverKnow86]

No, she did not come back. My ex and I had a pretty rough breakup. We were both, stupid scared and ridiculous and would not listen to each other and went through a 3 month selfish phase of resentment towards each other.

 

Our breakup was brutal. I sat there and took it but it hurt like a champ. It was a cowards breakup on her end but she was scared.

 

Today I said screw it, Im breaking NC and I did. One of the things I have learned over the past 6+ months is I had absolutely no personal boundaries in this relationship. None! I will venture to say 99.96% of GIGS breakups involve dealing with people that have no personal boundaries on both ends. There is absolutely no way you can hold on and maintain attraction and acceptance of 2 people with no personal boundaries. Both of you can walk over and over and over each other. Every GIGS thread is the same thing. No personal boundaries, people sacrificing their worth with compromises instead of accepting with communication.

 

The difference between newly breakups doing and wanting this and me doing this 6 months later is because I have confidence in who I am again. I have nothing to lose by breaking NC and opening the channels of communication. I am also doing something for the first time that I have not done in a while, I am owning who I am and my feelings.

 

So I shot over an email. Here's the thing, rejection no longer hurts me. It doesn't. I have probably been rejected by more the 300+ people in 6 months. Its ok for me to hear NO or nothing and accept it. Its part of confidence. I walk away from this 6 months later without any guilt because I tried. I had the courage to try. I took a risk. I reward myself for taking risks as should everyone else throughout life. Do I care and still love her? Absolutely!

 

Why e-mail and not a phone call?

[Forever Learning]

Wow, I am really surprised. Flabbergasted even. I will need some time to process this. Unexpected! Regardless, all the best of luck to you on this. I have continually appreciated your input on this forum regarding no contact and other philosophies on healing and learning from a break up. Good luck to you.

[Lis007]

I am the same wilsonx except that the rejection sure does hurt me a lot!!!

 

I am glad I tried as well!

 

I understand NC and maybe I should have done it but its pretty clear to me that 25 years of my life was spent with someone who obviously doesn't love me!

 

Tonight I went to visit my daughter and he was there and looked so smug to be going to a concert with one of my old girlfriends!!!! I was so proud of myself for holding back the tears, not proud of myself for escaping to the kitchen and "accidentally" banging a cupboard.

 

Bet they all have a great laugh at my expense.

[wilsonx]

Wow, I am really surprised. Flabbergasted even. I will need some time to process this. Unexpected! Regardless, all the best of luck to you on this. I have continually appreciated your input on this forum regarding no contact and other philosophies on healing and learning from a break up. Good luck to you.

 

This has to do with forgiving yourself and showing compassion (egojoe word) for yourself and for another person.

 

The reason I did this was because I was stuck on the string and I couldn't figure out a way off of it. She's playing games probably subconsciously and I wanted to bring it into her awareness. The email was 100% honest and I wanted to express my feelings. I know this goes against every single breakup book etc that you read and even my own advice on the forums. In the email, I told her that "I still care for her, love her and she crosses my mind everyday since the first day I met her. I congratulated her on her graduation and wished her good luck if she is happy where she is right now" There is absolutely no games in this, this is how I truly feel and so I expressed it. I owned who I am and what I am feeling. I have been stuck on this problem for 2 months, its been bothering me everyday, I feel it when I meditate and when I run, and when Im at work, this has been bothering me.

 

Its taken me a long time and a lot of learning and growing to get to where I am. This crash I have learned so much about myself and my problems. We focus on our ex's and there are people day in and day out that never see we are just as much to blame for the relationship ending as our what we term "disfunctional ex." Every breakup that happens is always 50/50, even if one person blames the other, dumper/dumpee, both are at fault in some way. Even GIGS breakups where there are "No Problems" etc. Every single thread I read, there is a common pattern, blindsided out of no where, no problems or few problems. To be honest, this is the problem. If you do not see this or you can't see this you need to dig deeper. I am talking long term relationships not 1-7 month ones.

 

I am willing to answer other questions, provide insight, help others see what I see if you want.

 

I did offer to grab lunch one day or a drink too in the email. I needed to find the path for me to cut this string 100% and walk away saying I did everything possible to try and solve this and fix this and be the bigger person of the two. I do not want that knock on my door next year, or the phone call, or the facebook add. I will have moved on and I do not want to regret that when it happens that I did not take this chance.

[wilsonx]

 

Tonight I went to visit my daughter and he was there and looked so smug to be going to a concert with one of my old girlfriends!!!! I was so proud of myself for holding back the tears,

 

This is not something to be proud of. You are hiding who you are and how you feel. If they make fun of you or laugh at you because you are showing them that you are human, capable of hurt, they are the bad people, you aren't. You have every right to express yourself without judgement of other people.

 

I remember working out at the gym a couple months ago and bam tears flowed, not one person judged me or laughed at me, Im sure everyone could guess at what was going on and you know what, strangers showing compassion is so much better then cowards showing heartlessness.

 

Thinks about this and stop hiding who you are for fear of judgement of others. You have a right to own your feelings

 

@Youneverknow - Its more convenient, I havent seen her or talked to her in 6 months, I do not know her schedule

Edited December 3, 2011 by wilsonx

[Lis007]

But if I show my feelings I am weak and what purpose would it serve...

 

Sorry I am soo not in a good space tonight....

 

I think I might be crazy... living in some sort of other world and you know what I dont even think anyone would even care...

[wilsonx]

There are people on this board that care...

 

Lis, I challenge you to find a meditation class and go, I guarantee you, you will cry the first time, probably even the 10th time.

 

How are you weak by showing your feelings... Thats the problem with this world, you are allowed to show your feelings. You are hiding who you are, your inner core by not expressing yourself and how you feel and this is actually bad. If someone doesn't accept you for you being you, then that is there loss.

 

If you saw a guy shedding a few tears down his cheek at a bus stop, what would be the first thought that crossed your mind about him? Would you think that he's weak?

Edited December 3, 2011 by wilsonx

[Lis007]

But it doesnt matter what I think to anyone...

 

life goes on...

[leoc1973]

well good for you wilson you needed to do this. You have shown her what life is without you and now you are giving her a chance to have her life with you. I think if you had done this at an earlier month it would have been useless but at this point a half a year its good. I met my ex a month ago after lots of bouts of NC all between a month and a month and a half. I wanted her to see what her life is without me then I laid it all on the line I asked her on a date. She said no you need to move on and heal. There is a lot more confusion to my story but I could write for days about it. But by her saying no I got exactly what I needed. Real closure not the kind that you trick yourself into believing but Real she is definitely not coming back closure. A couple weeks went on where I was feeling better and then I hear through the grapevine that she has every intention on coming back to me but right now she "has to do her" I hate that saying by the way! So what I took from that information is that she really does not love me like I need to be loved. A person who can keep you hanging and suffering I mean truly suffering while they party it up knowing you are not going anywhere does NOT love you. Hey if this girl comes back to you, you had better not forget us you better keep us posted.

 

Oh and I guess my point is that yeah ya never wanna look back a year or two or five from now and wish you had sent that email. You did!

[betterdeal]

But if I show my feelings I am weak and what purpose would it serve...

 

Sorry I am soo not in a good space tonight....

 

I think I might be crazy... living in some sort of other world and you know what I dont even think anyone would even care...

 

Sweetheart, you're very upset, heartbroken, that's all. Everyone goes through it at some point in their life. Good on you for not crying in front of him - you didn't want to show him your tears and you didn't. That's your self-respect. Save your tears for times when you feel safe to cry, in the right company. If you need someone to be there with you, choose a close friend, a sister, even a colleague you get on well with, and let it where its safe to do so.

 

Keep away from him and her. You need to take very good care of yourself and you will feel better, I promise you

[betterdeal]

wilsonx, what is it you miss about her? I recall you said you two were buddies before you got it on. Is it that you're missing? The friendly, fun, affectionate side of life?

[twinkles]

Well done wilson!!

 

I'm an absolute fool for love...I could tell you stories I refuse to live with regrets. I will fight for someone I love till the end. If it doesn't work out it doesn't work out but I refuse to go down without a fight. They may regret losing you years down the road you but you won't because you gave it your all.

 

Sometimes you really have to let go of your ego and your pride. You have to let someone know how you feel because it is the truth. It's your truth. If they can't accept your truth that's fine but you have the right to it.. you own it. Have you the strength and humility it takes to reveal your truth? That my friends is confidence.

 

If they don't accept you that's ok because you live your life honestly.

 

Never plead, never beg just show them who you are tell them how you feel.

[Forever Learning]

This has to do with forgiving yourself and showing compassion (egojoe word) for yourself and for another person.

 

The reason I did this was because I was stuck on the string and I couldn't figure out a way off of it. She's playing games probably subconsciously and I wanted to bring it into her awareness. The email was 100% honest and I wanted to express my feelings. I know this goes against every single breakup book etc that you read and even my own advice on the forums. In the email, I told her that "I still care for her, love her and she crosses my mind everyday since the first day I met her. I congratulated her on her graduation and wished her good luck if she is happy where she is right now" There is absolutely no games in this, this is how I truly feel and so I expressed it. I owned who I am and what I am feeling. I have been stuck on this problem for 2 months, its been bothering me everyday, I feel it when I meditate and when I run, and when Im at work, this has been bothering me.

 

Its taken me a long time and a lot of learning and growing to get to where I am. This crash I have learned so much about myself and my problems. We focus on our ex's and there are people day in and day out that never see we are just as much to blame for the relationship ending as our what we term "disfunctional ex." Every breakup that happens is always 50/50, even if one person blames the other, dumper/dumpee, both are at fault in some way. Even GIGS breakups where there are "No Problems" etc. Every single thread I read, there is a common pattern, blindsided out of no where, no problems or few problems. To be honest, this is the problem. If you do not see this or you can't see this you need to dig deeper. I am talking long term relationships not 1-7 month ones.

 

I am willing to answer other questions, provide insight, help others see what I see if you want.

 

I did offer to grab lunch one day or a drink too in the email. I needed to find the path for me to cut this string 100% and walk away saying I did everything possible to try and solve this and fix this and be the bigger person of the two. I do not want that knock on my door next year, or the phone call, or the facebook add. I will have moved on and I do not want to regret that when it happens that I did not take this chance.

 

I don't have any objection to what you did, I think it was the right thing for you to do.

 

And that is because, you felt it was the right thing to do at this time.

 

God knows you have put all the hard work and thought into this past relationship you had. I know you have spent a large part of almost every day since your break up, trying to grow and heal from it.

 

I say, "No Contact" is a TOOL, not the RULE.

 

A tool for healing.

 

Contact is always an option.

 

Maybe not the best option for those folks recently traumatized from a fresh breakup.

 

But a fine option for those with some healing under their belt and stability and clearness in their mind. You were at that point and ready to make the type of contact that you did.

 

On top of that, I feel there really are no mistakes in life. Just learning experiences.

 

I hope this all works out the way the universe sees fit for you. That is to say, whatever is naturally best for both you and her at this present time in your lives. If she has any sense, she will recognize you are pretty awesome.

 

Then again if she doesn't, eventually someone else equally awesome WILL stumble upon you. Such is life my friend. It's always an interesting journey. We have been blessed to have all your insight on this forum and that you took the time to share your experiences with us.

 

Good luck on this part of your journey.

Edited December 4, 2011 by Forever Learning

[Surfer Girl]

Wilson x

 

My first question is do you know if she is currently in a relationship?

[wilsonx]

Wilson x

 

My first question is do you know if she is currently in a relationship?

 

Doesnt matter... There's more to this story then I originally posted... if I had to give you an answer based on series of events leading up to me breaking NC, its not as strong as I think it is if there is one.

 

This thread is about me. I do not necessarily want my ex back, I am curious. Im 6 months out from the worst breakup I have ever been through in my life. I am trapped in a corner though. Everyone's advice is run run run run run run run, delete your number, delete your email address, stop doing this, stop doing that and you want have to deal with her. So what have I been doing, running and running and running and running and running and Im ****ing tired. I'm tired of sacrificing my liberties with fear that she will continue to stalk me and I wont be able to let go. I want to bury the hatchet and standing up for myself.

 

She responded today, which I was actually Very Surprised at: It caught me completely off guard when I saw it at work, here's the response

 

"The only day I can meet this week is Tuesday night or Wednesday, otherwise it will have to wait until later in the month. Do not expect anything, I am not interested in being friends and I have a lot on my plate right now. That being said, maybe it'll do good to chat after all this time."

 

Now, my question, is how would people here respond to this in my situation. What would your responses be given this reply to my email.

 

This is purely fun... I already replied, I am curious how others would

Edited December 4, 2011 by wilsonx

[Surfer Girl]

Do not expect anything... She is willing to meet you...but she is letting you know...not to get your hopes up...as long as she is in a relationship...it will hurt you if she still has feelings but does not want to break up that relationship for you....then what?....if she is not willing to give him up....please recognize if you put it all out there and she still wants him....it will hurt you...

 

She must have some feelings for you to meet her, do not go for the friend zone...it is all or nothing....

 

If she knows you want her...and not willing to give up the relationship...she gets to know... You will not settle....do not give her that option....she will respect you more knowing that is not a option....

[wilsonx]

God damnit surfer girl, you just destroyed my fun...

 

You are right by the way...

 

I instinctually shot off an answer in 20 seconds without even thinking about what I wrote

 

"I appreciate the response, take care of yourself and your plate. My goal was to bury the hatchet between us. I will respect your wishes as you respected mine. I'll leave that door open if that ever changes Good luck

 

 

 

Wilson"

 

 

She was setting the terms of the meet, she was trying to crash my boundary that I had put up, in the first email, I put up an all or nothing boundary and she tried manipulating it to gain control of the situation. Bitches.

 

 

 

For me it is all or nothing. I do not play games. This is me getting control and locking down what I want.

 

 

Now what I want to comment on is most people here, would not have seen what you posted, I instinctually rejected the rejector. I did not even think about it. And this is where I wanted to be and how I know Im ready for a face to face. I did not think about my actions, I just did what felt right in my gut and never looked back.

 

 

I bet a lot of people would have agreed to the meet, or debated, got into an argument. Homebrew even suggested this to me today too. This is the difference time can make. I did not use my head to think this out, the first voice that came out as I typed, I put it down and sent and voila. Done.

 

 

This is where guys need to be, trust your gut and dont think about it.

[JohnP82]

Her response is very cold and I would take it as a sign that she is very much disinterested in resuming anything with you.

 

I don't know how I would respond. I guess I would also be very clean and respond showing no emotion, just stating the day I would like to meet.

[wilsonx]

You are correct too... thats why I did not agree to any day... there's no need to meet if there's no interest...

 

Its about value trading, I am giving her everything she wants and I get nothing that I want... Its value trading and it kills attraction, she would shoot me down cold if I were to pick one of those 2 days and meet up with her. I am putting myself back on the pedestal by not agreeing to her terms. Its my way or the high way, shes clearly not interested in starting a relationship again with me right now, she's curious though, very curious

Edited December 4, 2011 by wilsonx

[ScienceGal]

 

"The only day I can meet this week is Tuesday night or Wednesday, otherwise it will have to wait until later in the month. Do not expect anything, I am not interested in being friends and I have a lot on my plate right now. That being said, maybe it'll do good to chat after all this time."

 

Now, my question, is how would people here respond to this in my situation. What would your responses be given this reply to my email.

 

My response, "ok. see you Wednesday, 7pm, xyz location?"

 

She does seem cold and brief, but she may legitimately be busy. So, her telling you Tuesday or Wednesday may really be her only availability, and not just her trying to control the situation. But, she could have asked if either of those days work instead of plainly stating it has to be one of those days.

 

Given her previous behavior with tracking you down, I'm sure she'll be in touch again. And when you do meet to talk, I hope it benefits you.

[leoc1973]

Wilson I think what you did do was think with your head although very quickly and instinctively your head told you heart to go to hell. I gotta admitt she is very coy and good at the game if that what she's doing. I know she has to be very curious. How do you look as compared to when the breakup happened? I think hit the tanning booth a few times and maybe some new shoes lol its the first thing a chick checks out. But you did very well. I would have caved and met her even tho she took all the power away from me. You completely rejected her and now she will start to think wow maybe he doesn't need me. I am still in shock about you even getting ahold of her but now I think you have to stick to your guns and let her come to you. We both know that if you get ahold of her again then all is lost. I think both of us lost our women around the same time and I wish I was at your point right now! Keep us posted!

[wilsonx]

I sent this to another user that I have random pm conversations with back and forth on this board. This is what people need to keep in mind with reconciliations and relationships in general.

 

----------------------------------------------------

I need to confront her behavior... normally I would stick to NC and lock it down without a problem but her behavior is out of control and its preventing me from moving on. I am literally stuck on the ****ing string and have been for 2 months. I am tired of sacrificing myself so that I can let go. For me, its not ok and that's why I did it. She knew she had a lot of control over me but I think she's afraid she doesn't any more.

 

One of the things I try to teach people on the forums and you can take a lesson from this is self worth. Never sacrifice your self worth to anybody, including your friends, family, coworkers, boss, significant others. Always keep that in the back of your mind. I got this back in my mind and I do not know what to do because I am stuck on her stalking. I do not hate her, I do love her, our communication with each other was garbage. Did she burn me, absolutely, but I burned her too. It doesn't mean I can't admit that I was scared and did stupid things so I have to understand what she did with compassion and that she did stupid things. That's where I have grown up.

 

My thread is a perfect example of self worth, I clearly told her I still love for her care for her and think about her everyday. Here's the secret, she does too about me, I know this, otherwise she wouldn't put the effort she has in to keep in touch with me. Does she want to be in a relationship with me, the answer is no, because the attraction is not there, same with me, I don't have any attraction for her, I haven't seen her in 6 months but who's to say I still can't love her.

 

So going with this imagine my conversation with her. We are standing next to each other. I have a 20 dollar bill (thats my value) and I want to trade it for change at 20 dollar value. Her response is, eh well I do want to trade but I'll give you 1 dollar for it with the option of maybe giving you 3 dollars. Why would I do that? There's no point in meeting her with that response. So what did I do, I left the door open for negotiation. Her next response is going to be ok, I'll give you 5 dollars in change with the option of giving you 10 dollars with that 20 dollar bill. For me, still not enough. She's going to keep going up and I'm going to keep refusing her until we get a 20 dollar bill for 20 one dollar bill trade and then I am going to meet her. That's when I am going to decide on what I want to do after I have my face to face with her which will happen but when I want it and I think the trade is even and fair.

 

@leoc... I am going to teach you a secret to understand your relationship and getting to where I am now in my breakup process and how strong I am now 6 months later then I was when I first came here. Mack said this saying a long time ago that I picked up on "Water seeks its own level" So for me to say all these ****ty things about my ex and how its her fault, I have to look in a mirror because I was at her level in every aspect. I realized, I lost myself in the relationship, how can you have a relationship and maintain a relationship, if you do not have control of yourself, you can't. This is why I am where I am today. Looks are superficial. tans dont matter, muscles dont matter, the only thing you need functioning is you and that voice inside of you (your intuition), everything else is irrelevant. Your mind is irrelevant, dignity and pride are irrelevant (these are ego based emotions - mind emotions and they serve no purpose in the real world). You are the only thing that matters, next is learning how to forgive yourself. You do this by acceptance of who you are. I am who I am, I am human, I make mistakes. You forgive yourself for making mistakes and you move on to better things, you feel your emotions and dont dismiss them. They are telling you things. People that hide their emotions are doing themselves a grave injustice. Betterdeal is absolutely wrong with his post about self respect. Self respect is irrelevant, confidence is relevant. They are 2 very different things. When Lis said she hid her emotions from others, it was wrong. Stop running from who you are. Stop it! Face it

 

"Anger and sadness are positive emotions in their purest form with essential information on how you want to live your life. People think that anger and sadness are negative emotions because they make us feel uncomfortable, but it is this discomfort that is this emotion's greatest gift. The discomfort of anger and sadness say something needs to change. When people have these so called negative emotions these emotions build up and transform into rage, resentment, depression, and resignation, leaving people feeling stuck and hopeless." -Danielle Harel. PhD

 

Look at the forums for proof of this, its all over the place

 

This is my secret from going from a nightmare breakup to where I am now

Edited December 4, 2011 by wilsonx

[betterdeal]

Dude, this is making no sense to me. You tell her you will love her forever and want to meet her; she says okay let's meet and that she doesn't want to be friends. Then you push her away.

 

What gives?

[wilsonx]

Betterdeal, this is something that doesn't make sense to you and I knew that it wouldn't. What I posted will make sense to probably 5% of this forum.

 

This is real life. Not everything is mind driven. What you do not understand is I love my ex. My love for my ex is not conditional based on us being in a relationship. I love my friends, I love my family. Just because my parents whipped me with a belt when I was younger because I did something stupid doesn't mean I can't love them. They taught me things from this type of behavior Why can't I love my ex in the same way? She taught me things from this type of behavior.

 

This is a form of enlightenment. I see things outside the box. I am able to watch myself interact in a situation as observer and not as a pre programmed robot. I am not mind driven. I learned to trust myself and my interactions in real life. What I say, I mean, what I do, I trust myself that its the right thing to do.