So Here It Is...

[smokey bear]

ZING ^^^^^^^^^

 

theres your pattern =) I see this in a lot of gigs breakups

 

Im your ex, I can show love but had a hard time with expressing feelings like most guys here going through this... when you repress your feelings, you build resentment...

 

---------------------

 

so game plan... just waiting for her response...

 

I wouldnt wait i would just do it. My ex used to camp outside my house until he saw me, pissed me off, but again one of the reasons he won my heart again, your on the right track wilson women are easier to get back through romance.

 

So tell me how do you get a man back like yourself, in a situation like this, your like my ex, show love builds resentment etc, so what should i do to better my chances.

[Rorschach64]

Well I am glad things worked out well enough for you Wilson. I wish I could have done what you did but I can't since me and my ex-fiancee were LDR. Best I could do was write her a letter back in the beginning of september, which was something to the degree of clearing the air and saying no harm no foul. Haven't heard from her for 6 months now.

 

Best of luck in the future with your ex Wilson...hell best of luck to all of us w/ GIGs ex's.

[wilsonx]

Guys want need physical security. I am not talking about just sex. We want a woman that will hold on to us, grab the inside of our elbow as you walk next to us. Give us a hug if we are having a bad day. If we are mad or upset, touch us. Let us know that you are there for us.

 

I should have a response by tomorrow, if not ill wing it

Edited December 10, 2011 by wilsonx

[wilsonx]

Smokey Homebrew's response

 

------------------------------

 

Real quick...

 

 

Had GIGS for 2 - 3 years in my twenties (23 - 26). Once I was done with GIGS I was done. Done with bars, clubs, hanging with idiots, dating idiots, ONS (for the most part), etc.

 

 

I only dated the marrying type after that with the occasional hook up here and there (in-between long term relationships). I took time off after LTR's ended. Didn't rebound either.

 

 

I was in two 2 year LTRs, a 5 year and a 3 year one.

 

 

I was an idiot during GIGS and returned to normal like most GIGS people do. Made a lot of mistakes (none that were life ruining like knocking up someone, getting arrested, etc.) but learned a lot about myself, what love really is and basically grew up. I was the type of person that had to learn things the hard way. I had fun but at the same time was unhappy throughout it. GIGS is a hollow, empty and meaningless pursuit of.... That's the thing, I can't even tell you or describe it. Looking back, you do not even see "yourself". It's like you are possessed by somebody else. Hard to explain... You are just lost. Tossed around at sea with no rudder to steer you.

 

 

Coming out of it is sorta like getting over and Ex. Although it doesn't seem like it, you are healing and getting over it even though you can't see it or feel it.

 

 

Then it just hits you one day... This sucks and I'm not happy. You start making changes, ditching your "new" friends, focusing on your career, self-destruct with the idiot you are with (I didn't flat out break up but made it happen through my actions in time). After a while, your good choices and smart decisions lead you to the promise land. You emerge a healthy, normal "adult" and are open and welcome to falling in love with someone like your new self. It's a process...

 

 

If you need more I can go into further detail.

[wilsonx]

Update... I got a response this morning

 

"Sure"

 

So its on ladies and gentlemen. Romantic Wilson has stepped in the house

 

My pms exploded the past 2 days and I am just going to say this.

 

I can not give you any advice on your own situation. That's specific to you. Take this time to find you and take your time doing it. You have the rest of your life to finding you. Stop holding on to hate, resentment and fear. Do something with them, use hate and anger for positive things in your life. Let go of resentment of your ex's, look where it gets you, no where. Use fear to take risks. It should be your friend, not your enemy. Its your encouragement to do things that you thought you would never do. This is what I mean by living on the edge. Live just beyond the borders of your comfort zone. If you fail, then guess what, do it again until you get it right.

 

And that is why I am right here doing what I am doing today. I found my path, I let go of all resentment, i use my hurt and open heart to live on the edge and take risks.

 

This is the best advice I can give you. Will keep you updated

 

Woooooosah!!!!!!!!!!!!

[smokey bear]

Smokey Homebrew's response

 

------------------------------

 

Real quick...

 

 

Had GIGS for 2 - 3 years in my twenties (23 - 26). Once I was done with GIGS I was done. Done with bars, clubs, hanging with idiots, dating idiots, ONS (for the most part), etc.

 

 

I only dated the marrying type after that with the occasional hook up here and there (in-between long term relationships). I took time off after LTR's ended. Didn't rebound either.

 

 

I was in two 2 year LTRs, a 5 year and a 3 year one.

 

 

I was an idiot during GIGS and returned to normal like most GIGS people do. Made a lot of mistakes (none that were life ruining like knocking up someone, getting arrested, etc.) but learned a lot about myself, what love really is and basically grew up. I was the type of person that had to learn things the hard way. I had fun but at the same time was unhappy throughout it. GIGS is a hollow, empty and meaningless pursuit of.... That's the thing, I can't even tell you or describe it. Looking back, you do not even see "yourself". It's like you are possessed by somebody else. Hard to explain... You are just lost. Tossed around at sea with no rudder to steer you.

 

 

Coming out of it is sorta like getting over and Ex. Although it doesn't seem like it, you are healing and getting over it even though you can't see it or feel it.

 

 

Then it just hits you one day... This sucks and I'm not happy. You start making changes, ditching your "new" friends, focusing on your career, self-destruct with the idiot you are with (I didn't flat out break up but made it happen through my actions in time). After a while, your good choices and smart decisions lead you to the promise land. You emerge a healthy, normal "adult" and are open and welcome to falling in love with someone like your new self. It's a process...

 

 

If you need more I can go into further detail.

 

Thats exactly how i felt, i understand it completely. I just wondered why it lasted so long for him.

[smokey bear]

Smokey Homebrew's response

 

------------------------------

 

 

If you need more I can go into further detail.

 

 

Can you ask him about the process of his ex, what he felt for her, when it got harder, when it came out and he realised she was everything he wanted.

[wilsonx]

he watches this thread, im going out for the day, visiting Alcatraz and some other touristy **** in San Francisco. When he emails Ill post later on tonight.

[GaelicSoul]

Best of luck Wilson!

[0hpenelope]

Hope you're enjoying SF, Wilson! That city's near and dear to my heart. Just months ago, I wouldn't have been able to imagine all of this from you. By "this," I meant reaching out to her, etc.

 

I've found myself in an interesting limbo too, with regards to whether or not I should reach out to my ex. I have thought "What would homebrew say?" (btw, I know you're reading this, 'brew! I hope things are well - I'm all good from here!) Above all that, I'm still thinking about whether or not my feelings are brought by the winter season or I really am okay with whatever he may tell me. To be even more forthright, I'm hesitant to reach out since I don't want to be seen as that illogical ex-girlfriend who isn't able to let go.

 

Anyway, enough threadjack! It's good to see that your attempt to reach out worked out for you. Do keep us posted and I'm sending you positive vibes.

[leoc1973]

Wilson I know you are wise and also stubborn so you are going to do what you want but I thought seeing her and walking away was enough to turn her feelings back on! I think giving her flowers is just going to allow her the comfort of more time to think(and get over you). Although, the giving her one and her knowing the other 11 are dying might stir up some feeling of expediency. I know you are looking at the big picture tho instead of needing her NOW!!

 

It was exact opposite for my ex she had 11 dried roses from all of our years together and I met her and gave her one and told her I just wanted to make sure that she had a full dozen from our time together.... lol it didn't work. It made her cry but still wan't enough.

 

Its funny I am rooting for you more than my own relationship. I would love to see a happy ending for you! The notebook was on tv tonight. Talk about being in touch with my sensitive side but movies like that give me hope I guess.

 

Smokey if my ex came back to me and I knew I had her where I wanted her I honestly would make her pay... Not that I don't love her cause I do. But I feel I would need to teach her a lesson. I really feel that you and your ex are each others loves of your lives. A guy doesn't go from camping outside your house to not wanting you no matter whom he has met. I really feel like he is just punishing you, he wants to make sure you never do it again. He is not willing to let you get away tho. You need to go on a few dates! Let him know he will be back. I am almost certain. Hell if you feel guilty leading some other guy on then find a player and make him buy you a couple dinners. But your ex isn't going to let you get away.

[wilsonx]

Why would you make someone you love care about pay. I understand but communication works wonders and why most people are here. I could make my ex suffer into oblivion right now. I've seen the guilt and shame in her eyes. If people would quit.being selfish and be the change they want to see in the world. You teach by love not punishment

[radiodarcy]

i don't really see anything wrong with Wilson's decision to break NC. it seems like he's felt as though he's done enough reflection and soul-searching during NC to take that step.

 

i broke NC a few weeks ago and reached out to my ex after 8.5 months of NC. not because i want him back- - but because i wanted to see if i could handle being back in touch with him - - without being flooded by all the usual feelings.

 

and i felt - - fine. his reception was somewhat frosty and i doubt we'll ever speak again. but i realized that while there's a part of me that will always care about him - - i don't love him anymore. what's more - - it helped me get rid of a great deal of bitterness i had been harboring against him; which in turn will help me open myself up to meeting someone else.

 

so - - all the more power to you Wilson - - if it works for you great. if not - - at least you know you gave it a shot.

[smokey bear]

Only time will tell guys, only time will tell.

 

Some of us are lucky enough to know where our ex's are at, what stage they seem to be etc.

 

If i had been in complete darkness over the last 5 months i would have healed and moved on at month 3 i think, its a hard road to walk if you want a second chance because you have heal but at the same time keep a tiny thread of that fire burning.

 

Its funny, when i went back to my ex, it didnt feel any different, there was no weirdness, felt axactly as it had the day i left, even after seeing someone else. Strange to describe, almost as if my past life was put on hold while i did my gigs and when i came back i just hut the play button and picked up where i left off.

 

It wasnt as if my ex felt different to me after being with another, the familiar feeling was amazing.

 

Do you know something guys, ive got mind block right now and cant really put into words whats in my head the now, its frustrating me, im such a clear thinker and now i feel liked im full of cotton wool.

 

Good luck today wilson xx

[leoc1973]

Oh I wouldn't make her suffer out of spite. I just know that my ex thinks she can come and go as she pleases. Actually I know that the knows that because she told me.. she said she could always win me back from anyone. She says cause she knows that she is the love of my life. I would never make her suffer for the reason of making her pay. I do love her unconditionally and I would be happy for her if she moved on and fell in love again. Sad for myself but I really do love her that much!

 

I guess I would just make her think twice next time there was a penis that she felt she needed to try out. She never cheated but I do think she has broken up with me for that reason. Knowing that I will always take her back. Its horrible for her to take advantage of my love like that but hey I can't get over her.

 

I absolutely think wilson did the right thing making contact I just don't wanna see him give her too much power. I think she would come back to him on her own.

 

Smokey do you think its possible that your ex isn't really in gigs that he is just "teaching you a lesson" knowing that in the end he will end up with you? I mean you must have thought it is a possibility!

 

Oh and is tonight the night? Wilson get on here and tell us what happened!!

[smokey bear]

Oh I wouldn't make her suffer out of spite. I just know that my ex thinks she can come and go as she pleases. Actually I know that the knows that because she told me.. she said she could always win me back from anyone. She says cause she knows that she is the love of my life. I would never make her suffer for the reason of making her pay. I do love her unconditionally and I would be happy for her if she moved on and fell in love again. Sad for myself but I really do love her that much!

 

I guess I would just make her think twice next time there was a penis that she felt she needed to try out. She never cheated but I do think she has broken up with me for that reason. Knowing that I will always take her back. Its horrible for her to take advantage of my love like that but hey I can't get over her.

 

I absolutely think wilson did the right thing making contact I just don't wanna see him give her too much power. I think she would come back to him on her own.

 

Smokey do you think its possible that your ex isn't really in gigs that he is just "teaching you a lesson" knowing that in the end he will end up with you? I mean you must have thought it is a possibility!

 

Oh and is tonight the night? Wilson get on here and tell us what happened!!

 

 

I have considered it yes but have put it out my mind, ive also considered that i was away too long with my gigs that he healed and lost those feelings but looking back i went back before acceptence so his healing wasnt truly done. We were back together for 6 months-1year and close to being perfect, a lot of problems had been resolved. We really were so close to being perfect.

 

We had a rough month before we split, he met up with single friends, a rough crowd, some of these friends had just split with their women are were leading the single life, he followed suit.

 

we argued because of this, because he was living that party life with no consideration for me, not one of his normal traits.

 

That month he knew something was wrong, everyone around him did but he couldnt explain it.

 

I said " if its me, ill leave, if its me thats making you so unhappy ill go"

 

he said" i love you to death, its not you,its me ( i know what a line) its something inside my head and i cant fix us until i fix me."

 

The partying, drink and drugs got so bad that it crossed my personal boundries and i left.

 

Now he's just numb, doesnt feel anything for anyone, family, friends even himself. There have been 1 million gigs signs and things he's said, but yes it could just be over but his gigs is almost identical to mine so ill give it another 2-3 months max to see if it is gigs.

 

Through time my mind, my body will move on regardless if i want it to or not. ill be ok either way.

 

He has done a complete 180 in what he wants in life, the real him will come back, i know it will, doesnt mean he'll come back to me.

[smokey bear]

Oh I wouldn't make her suffer out of spite. I just know that my ex thinks she can come and go as she pleases. Actually I know that the knows that because she told me.. she said she could always win me back from anyone. She says cause she knows that she is the love of my life. I would never make her suffer for the reason of making her pay. I do love her unconditionally and I would be happy for her if she moved on and fell in love again. Sad for myself but I really do love her that much!

 

I guess I would just make her think twice next time there was a penis that she felt she needed to try out. She never cheated but I do think she has broken up with me for that reason. Knowing that I will always take her back. Its horrible for her to take advantage of my love like that but hey I can't get over her.

 

I absolutely think wilson did the right thing making contact I just don't wanna see him give her too much power. I think she would come back to him on her own.

 

Smokey do you think its possible that your ex isn't really in gigs that he is just "teaching you a lesson" knowing that in the end he will end up with you? I mean you must have thought it is a possibility!

 

Oh and is tonight the night? Wilson get on here and tell us what happened!!

 

 

I have considered it yes but have put it out my mind, ive also considered that i was away too long with my gigs that he healed and lost those feelings but looking back i went back before acceptence so his healing wasnt truly done. We were back together for 6 months-1year and close to being perfect, a lot of problems had been resolved. We really were so close to being perfect.

 

We had a rough month before we split, he met up with single friends, a rough crowd, some of these friends had just split with their women are were leading the single life, he followed suit.

 

we argued because of this, because he was living that party life with no consideration for me, not one of his normal traits.

 

That month he knew something was wrong, everyone around him did but he couldnt explain it.

 

I said " if its me, ill leave, if its me thats making you so unhappy ill go"

 

he said" i love you to death, its not you,its me ( i know what a line) its something inside my head and i cant fix us until i fix me."

 

The partying, drink and drugs got so bad that it crossed my personal boundries and i left.

 

Now he's just numb, doesnt feel anything for anyone, family, friends even himself. There have been 1 million gigs signs and things he's said, but yes it could just be over but his gigs is almost identical to mine so ill give it another 2-3 months max to see if it is gigs.

 

Through time my mind, my body will move on regardless if i want it to or not. ill be ok either way.

 

He has done a complete 180 in what he wants in life, the real him will come back, i know it will, doesnt mean he'll come back to me.

 

Oh and as a side note, if you punish a gigs sufferer or make it difficult to come back, they wont.

[wilsonx]

Ive been really really quiet these past 2 days for a reason. I had this gut feeling what happened was going to happen. IT had to do with 2 things, how smokey talks about her actions and how my friend went through this. My gut feeling the entire day was I am going to get stood up. It popped up last night too. It has to do with their self centered attitude. Do I regret anything that I did? Absolutely not! I faced my fears, lived on the edge took risks and voila, I am stronger then I would have imagined.

 

So moving on. Also being in San Francisco and out of my own comfort environment, I did some crazy things and met some great people. It was fun. I talked to a guy on a plane and he told me about his work romance with a co worker that he had where they became the couple away from the home and he kissed her and regretted it and walked away. He was married she was divorced. It shows maturity in adults vs kids.

 

Also who knows in a year or two, I might have a backup plan lol. When I first told about this GIGS thing, I heard they always come back. I planted to seed. My ex isn't going to find anything remotely close to me where she's looking. Bars and craigslist. Her loss my gain.

 

I just know that my ex thinks she can come and go as she pleases. Actually I know that the knows that because she told me.. she said she could always win me back

 

Don't ever let someone say this to you ever. This is a bitch test. She was testing your manliness and you failed sir

 

I have considered it yes but have put it out my mind, ive also considered that i was away too long with my gigs that he healed and lost those feelings but looking back i went back before acceptence so his healing wasnt truly done. We were back together for 6 months-1year and close to being perfect, a lot of problems had been resolved. We really were so close to being perfect.

 

We had a rough month before we split, he met up with single friends, a rough crowd, some of these friends had just split with their women are were leading the single life, he followed suit.

 

we argued because of this, because he was living that party life with no consideration for me, not one of his normal traits.

 

That month he knew something was wrong, everyone around him did but he couldnt explain it.

 

I said " if its me, ill leave, if its me thats making you so unhappy ill go"

 

he said" i love you to death, its not you,its me ( i know what a line) its something inside my head and i cant fix us until i fix me."

 

The partying, drink and drugs got so bad that it crossed my personal boundries and i left.

 

Now he's just numb, doesnt feel anything for anyone, family, friends even himself. There have been 1 million gigs signs and things he's said, but yes it could just be over but his gigs is almost identical to mine so ill give it another 2-3 months max to see if it is gigs.

 

Through time my mind, my body will move on regardless if i want it to or not. ill be ok either way.

 

He has done a complete 180 in what he wants in life, the real him will come back, i know it will, doesnt mean he'll come back to me.

 

That line, "its not you its me" thats a cheaters remorse line. I have cheating friends that use that on their ex's when they breakup with them. I even have a girl in my circle of friends thats cheating on his nice guy boyfriend and is going to use that line on him when she ends it. Now she likes the security of the relationship so she sticks with it with no attraction towards him. Selfish.

[smokey bear]

My ex isn't going to find anything remotely close to me where she's looking. Bars and craigslist. Her loss my gain.

 

 

 

She probably wont, but she's gotta try first, sounds bad but if she didnt she would just piss off again in the future so might as well kill all the birds with this stone.

 

Can i ask what the circumstances were,

 

did she flat out ignore you,

 

excuse herself to something more appealing

 

or hit you with another day?

 

Gotta tell the bad with the good Wilson.....

 

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[wilsonx]

There was nothing... no communication at all, she just did not show

 

Its ok, I saw this coming

[Forever Learning]

You've gone this far now. Email her and ask her what's up with that (the no-show on her part).

 

Moods can fluctuate wildly, especially in these situations. Don't be rude or harsh with her, just inquire in a non-judgmental manner. By remaining calm and non-judgmental, you will be demonstrating your own personal growth. This might be appealing to her, maybe not now, but possibly down the road in the long term.

 

When her mood allows her to respond, she will. My bet.

 

Then you are afforded the opportunity to respond or proceed as you see fit.

 

Good luck. I love the risk taking stuff you are doing. You only live once my friend. This is how you learn about yourself.

Edited December 13, 2011 by Forever Learning

[wilsonx]

very good advice forever learning...

 

I did not say anything because I knew I would judgmental. It even showed in this thread.

 

As for right now, NC is best for both situations though. Its like a tennis match, I hit the ball to her court, she hit it back to mine, I hit it back to hers again, now its time for her to send it back my way. When shes ready, she will hit back.

Edited December 13, 2011 by wilsonx

[smokey bear]

There was nothing... no communication at all, she just did not show

 

Its ok, I saw this coming

 

 

Shes def at stage one that i mentioned earlier, watch that profile, i expect it will go dead within the next 3 weeks max

[smokey bear]

You've gone this far now. Email her and ask her what's up with that (the no-show on her part).

 

Moods can fluctuate wildly, especially in these situations. Don't be rude or harsh with her, just inquire in a non-judgmental manner. By remaining calm and non-judgmental, you will be demonstrating your own personal growth. This might be appealing to her, maybe not now, but possibly down the road in the long term.

 

When her mood allows her to respond, she will. My bet.

 

Then you are afforded the opportunity to respond or proceed as you see fit.

 

Good luck. I love the risk taking stuff you are doing. You only live once my friend. This is how you learn about yourself.

 

 

I would advise against it, she's major under pressure at this moment, Wilson is causing her stress to a degree where she has to ignore him, she cant deal with him right now. I think she'll date another, then go the solo route for 2 months or so, reaching out to wilson along the way once she's at the solo stage. This is where her break up from Wilson starts to evolve from stage 1. Unless she jumps into another long termer but i doubt that.

[2sunny]

It's good you went.

 

You would have had a clear signal if she was interested in revisiting seeing you again.

 

Move forward - best way now that you know it's over.

 

You waiting and pining over a woman who cheats on you isn't healthy... You have work to do. Find out why YOU are willing to settle for so little.

 

So now that you have more evidence that she has pulled away... Accept it and find new ways to stay busy and occupied so you think of her less often.

 

IF she intended to start seeing you again - she wouldn't be participating with reluctance and no shows. That's completely rude of her!

 

You deserve more than what she offers ( or hasn't offered).

 

Starting in a healthy place - be open to someone new... Hopefully a gal who won't cheat. Someone who will treat you with kindness and respect - its not her...she's given you evidence to prove she's not that gal.