So Here It Is...

[betterdeal]

What's with the "go away" crap? People will hold different opinions. One of the benefits of LS is being challenged, and finding new ways to deal with challenges.

[wilsonx]

Betterdeal, I am going to give you credit, you were one of the first people here that showed me that everything wasn't necessarily black and white, there are tons of options. Even your posts in this thread each one had different options to choose from.

 

These assclowns that keep posting in my thread and I ignored so I cant read their posts anyways, are saying theres 1 option and thats it, nothing else matters. Extreme black and white thinking. If you read their posts, they tell people to do things. You should do this, you should do that. I realized that this has been a fault of mine here for so long. Im telling people what they should do instead of giving them options and letting choose which one they want to do.

 

Extreme black and white doesnt work, sorry but the world is not black and white, did I panic in this thread, probably, I had a captain save a hoe moment flooded with emotions that I had locked down for the past 2 years. Im human

 

How many people on this forum do you see that see the picture from all angles, not many. I can name 4 off the top of my head. Look at everyone else here, Extreme black and white. Have you ever considered why they are here? Probably because of this. I know for a fact that this is why I am here, because I was a black and white selfish thinker.

Edited December 30, 2011 by wilsonx

[2sunny]

I usually work from evidence.

 

IF someone provides evidence that something isn't working for them - it's useful to try a different approach/action - based on honoring self and others.

 

When someone shows they don't wish to participate - I honor THAT decision.

 

Nothing about THAT evidence or decision has to do with GIG - it is what it is - it only involves acceptance of that EVIDENCE - THAT is what hasn't been acknowledged by this OP... Acceptance of his evidence. You can't MAKE someone want to be with you! When they don't want to ---> move forward! No looking back!

[2sunny]

The ego is showing again - and I'm unsure why it's necessary to keep calling people derogatory names!

 

You have so much work to do... Chop chop

[wilsonx]

http://img36.imageshack.us/img36/2733/lolicare.png

 

Keep talking to yourselves people.

[gibson]

If you look at the last several pages and posters they flat out said if dumped...

 

1. Your Ex didn't / never loved you.

 

2. Exes never come back.

 

3. Reconciliations never happen and never would work out anyway.

 

4. Even though we know 2 and 3 are bold face lies (and we actually all know or heard of people that have gotten back together), Lie to the dumpee and convince him otherwise. This is for the dumpees own good because they are unable and powerless to face reality. We must lie to them to protect them from themselves and prevent them from doing something stupid if they know 2 and 3 are not true.

 

After seeing 2 or 3 pages of those posts... you lost me!

[Lis007]

If you look at the last several pages and posters they flat out said if dumped...

 

1. Your Ex didn't / never loved you.

 

2. Exes never come back.

 

3. Reconciliations never happen and never would work out anyway.

 

4. Even though we know 2 and 3 are bold face lies (and we actually all know or heard of people that have gotten back together), Lie to the dumpee and convince him otherwise. This is for the dumpees own good because they are unable and powerless to face reality. We must lie to them to protect them from themselves and prevent them from doing something stupid if they know 2 and 3 are not true.

 

After seeing 2 or 3 pages of those posts... you lost me!

 

Its funny through my separation have found many people saying #1... its not true I look back on our early years, our wedding, love letters he wrote me and I know he loved me so much...

 

We separated amicably a joint decision there was no dumper dumpee we were both tired, unhappy, didn't know what to do to make things better... I have come back to him wanting a second chance after all our years together and also because even though it was a painful way of finding out for both of us it took losing him to realise how much I loved him. So ex's can and do come back...

 

I hope to be a reconciliation success story for those in long term marriages/relationships that fall apart and then come back together again...

 

I have to have that hope it keeps me strong! I think the real trick is balance! Living your life positively, acceptance of being on your own for now and you can handle anything, improving yourself, making contact count if you do make contact - stopping yourself when you need to, keeping hope, allowing yourself to feel sad and knowing thats okay, knowing there are going to be good and bad days but tomorrow is a new day...

 

My own thoughts are we gave up to easily... so in the quest for reconciliation know it isnt going to be easy, you must have a some communication and have been amicable and respectful towards each other, there has to have been love to start with, its going to get worse before it gets better, its scary, nothing is final, and when most would give up is probably when the breakthrough is right around the corner...

 

I could be completely wrong and I am okay with that... it doesn't stop me healing, trying new experiences, setting personal goals for myself. My daughter and I went and had a piercing this week it was such a buzz for this middle aged conservative woman! I now have an earring at the top of my ear and I love it! I have run over 30km this week huge goal for me and entered a fun 7km run in three weeks. A few months ago I couldn't run more than 200 meters!! So I think we can make positive things happen which will all contribute to our growth and resilience to handle anything that comes up....

 

If we hope for reconciliation at the same time then whats wrong with that if we approach it in a way thats balanced for us!

[CaliGuy]

The GIGS stuff looks like the bargaining phase of grieving / shock.

 

http://www.recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html

 

Agreed.

 

Sigh...

 

*clipped*

 

If you want to bury your head in the sand and pretend that Exes never come back and all break ups are final because for you this means everyday yours doesn't choose to come back, your Ex is rejecting you and your relationship all over again, that's fine. My advice to this "group" is to leave your head in the sand and stay off LS. Not everyone on here is going to lie to themselves or the other posters. Go start a "All break ups are final, your ex never loved you and reconciliations never happen" forum and stay off of here.

 

OMG, this is ridiculous! Even saying "Exes sometimes come back" is giving false hope to those who will p*ss their lives away pining for a second chance, only to get dumped AGAIN! Giving them that snow-blinded advice is what keeps them from healing and getting their own lives back in shape.

 

There are very, very, very few reconciliations in REAL LIFE my friend. I mean an extremely low rate. And to give a majority of people who read LS that kind of advice is simply hurting the dumpees and robbing them of much needed time to heal.

 

Sheesh.

 

These assclowns that keep posting in my thread and I ignored so I cant read their posts anyways

 

Ah wilson I love people like you. "Think like I think or I'll insult you as there is no way I will ever listen to anyone's advice but my own..."

 

Love it. Classic narcissist.

 

I usually work from evidence.

 

IF someone provides evidence that something isn't working for them - it's useful to try a different approach/action - based on honoring self and others.

 

When someone shows they don't wish to participate - I honor THAT decision.

 

Nothing about THAT evidence or decision has to do with GIG - it is what it is - it only involves acceptance of that EVIDENCE - THAT is what hasn't been acknowledged by this OP... Acceptance of his evidence. You can't MAKE someone want to be with you! When they don't want to ---> move forward! No looking back!

 

That's the problem, he thinks that everything is gray matter where there's always a slight hope/chance of a reconciliation when the best advice is to assume there isn't and live your life! I'm not saying there is a ZERO chance of a dumper wanting to come back but from years of posts on FB, anyone with half a brain is going to realize those odds are very slim and the best thing for them to do is heal and act like it's never gonna happen.

 

That way when it doesn't (and odds prove it won't) they'll be healed and on their way to meeting the right person. Nothing more absurd on these forums than "Pocket, Wanna-Be Psychologist" who think they have the answer to a problem that has been going on for eons.

 

Nobody can make an Ex love them. That is for THEM not YOU to decide and even if they do come back (again, low odds) you're not fully healed to have a healthy relationship and bound to fail a second (and final) time.

 

Fix yourself and let the dumpee figure their own life out. It's not yours to live.

 

The ego is showing again - and I'm unsure why it's necessary to keep calling people derogatory names!

 

You have so much work to do... Chop chop

 

Insecure people use derogatory names because it's their only defense when their "Pocket Psychology" is easily rebutted.

 

If you look at the last several pages and posters they flat out said if dumped...

 

1. Your Ex didn't / never loved you.

 

2. Exes never come back.

 

3. Reconciliations never happen and never would work out anyway.

 

4. Even though we know 2 and 3 are bold face lies (and we actually all know or heard of people that have gotten back together), Lie to the dumpee and convince him otherwise. This is for the dumpees own good because they are unable and powerless to face reality. We must lie to them to protect them from themselves and prevent them from doing something stupid if they know 2 and 3 are not true.

 

After seeing 2 or 3 pages of those posts... you lost me!

 

Ah I see you haven't been studying the cold hard facts from LS from the thousands of people here who have thought the way you, Wilson and others think.

 

1. Exes did love you at some point, but odds are they are not IN LOVE with you (or they wouldn't have left in the first place).

2. On rare occasions they do, but all the time spent trying to win them back has delayed your own healing and as such, the second chance fails and ends up hurting worse than the first. Heal yourself first, don't ponder second chances. If it comes, it will be from the dumper not the dumpee.

3. Reconciliations almost NEVER happen and when they do, they almost always end up in failure (again) because people NEVER took the time to heal from the breakup.

 

Do you get what I am saying here? Giving people the false hope of a reconciliation is NOT HEALTHY. It delays the natural process of healing, rebuilding one's self and becoming a better, stronger person better adapted to have a great relationship.

 

Pondering a second chance, especially if the dumpee initiates it is akin to playing Russian Roulet. If you want to waste your health and sanity on chasing someone who doesn't want to be with you, by all means, pull the trigger.

 

I assure the mess you leave behind will not be pretty.

 

Cheers.

[2sunny]

If you look at the last several pages and posters they flat out said if dumped...

 

1. Your Ex didn't / never loved you.

 

2. Exes never come back.

 

3. Reconciliations never happen and never would work out anyway.

 

4. Even though we know 2 and 3 are bold face lies (and we actually all know or heard of people that have gotten back together), Lie to the dumpee and convince him otherwise. This is for the dumpees own good because they are unable and powerless to face reality. We must lie to them to protect them from themselves and prevent them from doing something stupid if they know 2 and 3 are not true.

 

After seeing 2 or 3 pages of those posts... you lost me!

 

I never say anything like 1,2 or 3. I only go by what's obviously NOT been working for each poster based on the EVIDENCE.

 

I don't care that the OP can't read these posts - it is valuable for anyone in his situation... Not just him.

 

Maybe he doesn't understand the value of the term move forward... Because he has interpreted it much in a negative tone... Which it's not. It's intention is to promote healthy boundaries and new experiences based on letting go of what doesn't work.

 

No different than what anyone would pay big money to hear from a counselor.

 

When you've tried something - and you have evidence that it doesn't work - no counselor would encourage waiting for the person to change their mind about you. The change must come from within - and THAT always involves NEW choices to bring a new result. Doing same gets the same - that's called stupidity and self torture.

 

If nothing changes - expect more pain! But just know it was YOUR choice to have more pain.

[CaliGuy]

If we hope for reconciliation at the same time then whats wrong with that if we approach it in a way thats balanced for us!

 

Because people who are pining for a second chance are not in a healthy position to make it work. If they pine, they don't heal. If they don't heal the relationship will fail again.

 

In most cases where there has been a reconciliation, it has been a very, VERY long time between the breakup and being reacquainted. It's almost like a brand new relationship again.

 

The problem with "Pocket Psychologist" is they are not giving the detailed information that people need to heal themselves first and get their lives on the right track. Improving their own confidence, self-esteem and love for themselves first. Too many people put 100% of their focus on the ex and in the process, lose themselves.

 

Now that Wilson has opened up this can of worms he's infecting the minds of people and distorting their perception of reality, I feel that it's my job to come out and slap in a good, healthy dose of TRUE reality.

 

1. Heal yourself first.

2. Work on getting yourself in a good mental state of mind.

3. Don't focus on the Ex, you have no control over them.

4. Focus on yourself 100%. Friends, hobbies, etc.

5. Don't initiate contact with the dumper. If they want to reconcile, the best thing for you to do is stick to NC. They need to miss you and remember why they liked you in the first place.

6. Act as if a reconciliation isn't going to happen because historical data proves the odds are low. Why on earth would you waste years of your life trying to get someone back who has shown ZERO signs that is what they want (example: They get engaged to someone else or married, have kids, etc. Is there a greater example they don't want you than engagements, marrying someone else and having kids with them?! Sheesh).

7. People change. Their taste change. Their goals change. This is why getting married at a young age (below 30) is such a bad idea. It only works for two mentally solid people who are at the same point in life.

8. If you wallow in the quagmire of a breakup without going through the grieving and healing process, you will not be in the short of shape that is conducive to a healthy relationship.

9. If you don't love and respect yourself you cannot possible know how to love and respect others -- which is required to have a healthy relationship. This is what the HEALING process is all about.

 

There are thousands of threads about this whole concept of getting an ex back. There are hundreds of "Pocket Psychologist" who write terrible books on how to "win" your ex back. There are terrible people like "David DeAngelo" who make millions on providing band-aids to people who have gaping wounds from a relationship.

 

If none of these so-called, self-proclaimed Psychologist have found the magic bullet to make your ex come back to anyone with open arms, what makes Wilson think he's any different?!

 

Get what I am saying?

[CaliGuy]

I never say anything like 1,2 or 3. I only go by what's obviously NOT been working for each poster based on the EVIDENCE.

 

I don't care that the OP can't read these posts - it is valuable for anyone in his situation... Not just him.

 

Maybe he doesn't understand the value of the term move forward... Because he has interpreted it much in a negative tone... Which it's not. It's intention is to promote healthy boundaries and new experiences based on letting go of what doesn't work.

 

No different than what anyone would pay big money to hear from a counselor.

 

When you've tried something - and you have evidence that it doesn't work - no counselor would encourage waiting for the person to change their mind about you. The change must come from within - and THAT always involves NEW choices to bring a new result. Doing same gets the same - that's called stupidity and self torture.

 

If nothing changes - expect more pain! But just know it was YOUR choice to have more pain.

 

To add to what you have stated, 2Sunny:

 

"The definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over, expecting different results each time."

 

This is also the definition of the advice that Wilson and this "GIGS" crap is doing. It's giving band-aids to people with severe trauma. They need a long time to heal. They need a surgeon and stiches. They need recovery and therapy.

 

Band-aids aren't going to cut it.

[smokey bear]

Sooooooooooooooo......

 

Did anybody watch the EMI awards and see Lady gaga flash her panties?

[MarMarMar]

Can I just mention something? Probably gonna get yelled at for but anyways....Most of the dumpees here want their exes back. A good chunk also want their exes the redeem themselves etc. It may not be intended that way by the whole GIGS idea/theory since it does say to not wait for them but that's enough for a good chunk of posters to get a small glimmer of hope. From having been reading these forums for the past month or two I've noticed that a great deal of posters are using NC to try and get their exes back instead of to heal because there's a small glimmer of hope somewhere in their being that it's only a matter of time before their ex comes crawling back.

[2sunny]

He must think I'm posting for his benefit (ego) - I've known the whole time he's had me on ignore... I'm not focused on him.

 

It's a very easy equation when there's no emotion involved. When something isn't making YOU happy - do anything that's different than the way you've been doing it... = new result!

[spicolli]

I am going to tell you why I think this thread is so amazing. I have been reading this thread since the day it was created. It was a blueprint of what works and what doesn't. But now (and this is the amazing part) it has become the epitamy of a toxic relationship. The only thing that is happening now is you have two sides bickering, completely ignoring or at the very least, invalidating, the thought process and feelings of the other. This thread is now 20 some pages long, and it has completely (as most failed relationships) lost what made it so successful and wonderful in the first place. Now the blocking and side taking, just like any sloppy breakup, is running rufshod over what could have been something amazing, HAD IT ENDED PROPERLY AND AT THE RIGHT TIME.

[gibson]

Giving people the false hope of a reconciliation is NOT HEALTHY.

 

You ever met a lottery winner? I haven't, yet I see people buying the tickets each and every week. Why? Because they have "false hope" that they will be one of the lucky ones that win it.

 

If we use your logic, people that play the lottery are "unhealthy" and therefore the lottery should be forbidden by law. After all, we have to protect the "unhealthy" people from themselves.

 

Have you ever met a dumpee that doesn't have "false hope" of a successful reconciliation after a break up? I haven't.

 

As much as you want to pour your wisdom, experience, knowledge, beliefs, understanding of the cold hard "facts" about successful reconciliations into dumpees, they aren't going to listen, believe you and not think it can't happen to them. For a time, most dumpees believe they are going to be one of the "lucky" ones, regardless of what you and I say.

 

They have to learn, experience and figure out what you and I know... the hard way and on their own.

 

From my experience and what I have seen with every dumpee I have known... They have to work though BOTH accepting the break up and whatever "false hope" they have of a reconciliation.

 

Pondering a second chance, especially if the dumpee initiates it is akin to playing Russian Roulet. If you want to waste your health and sanity on chasing someone who doesn't want to be with you, by all means, pull the trigger.

 

I assure the mess you leave behind will not be pretty.

 

I couldn't agree more and the dumpees you see here on LS will come to the same conclusion.

 

However, they are going to ignore your very wise advice and counsel that you and I learned in a very real and painful way and to do it anyway.

 

Even after we had people tell us what you are now, we both still hoped, wished and tried for a successful reconciliation several times with an Ex before we finally were "hurt" enough to finally learn the painful lesson and truth.

 

In their own way and in their own time, a dumpee will finally accept the break up and come to the conclusion that a possible successful reconciliation was based on their own "false hope".

Edited December 30, 2011 by gibson

[PelicanPete]

This thread is now 20 some pages long, and it has completely (as most failed relationships) lost what made it so successful and wonderful in the first place. Now the blocking and side taking, just like any sloppy breakup, is running rufshod over what could have been something amazing, HAD IT ENDED PROPERLY AND AT THE RIGHT TIME.

 

I fail to understand why exactly this thread is ruined.

 

I don't know, maybe I'm just a drama queen, or maybe I'm just stupid and missing the point, but I prefer threads that have conflict in them. First of all, I find they are much more entertaining to read. Second and most importantly, I tend to learn a lot more about what's being talked about compared to a thread where everyone unanimously agrees. Thirdly, it really brings out other peoples character and knowledge on the subject. I mean why is it so bad that people are asking questions? Are we just suppose to accept anything and everything someone tries to feed us?

 

You know, I became interested in reading about how wilsonx was doing, the exchanges between his ex, and then lengths he went to and the things he did for her. The only thing that bothered me, and obviously bothered other people, was his ignorance formed through his apparent understanding. He acts like he has all the answers, when in fact that very belief leaves him close minded to the million other possibilities, which in the end is probably only causing him pain.

 

I already didn't really buy into the GIGS argument, but as a spectator I lost the last of my respect for it. Here people are questioning and debating and challenging it's principles, while the GIGS gurus are telling them to get out of the thread, putting them on ignore, and throwing insults at them. If it were me, I would want people to challenge my argument. It would either result in aiding the others understanding, or increasing my understanding by considering a different point of view. Not only that, but we as people have always improved through struggle and conflict. That's how our bodies and minds grow.

 

From what I witnessed of wilsonx in general is that he argues his point of view and treats it as the only answer. If someone disagrees, he either ignores, never replies, insults, or belittles. A large red flag to me personally. This leaves me to think he's afraid to look in the mirror and admit his own faults, or he really isn't 100% about what he's preaching in the first place. It simply makes me think that the blind is leading the blind.

 

In the end, I think arguments a good thing. It's the main reason why our society has grown and evolved, and it is what makes us human. When people don't want to argue about something they strongly believe in, it only makes me think they're skeptical themselves.

[EgoJoe]

Even though Gibson/Homebrew has been of the attitude that GIGS reconciliation chances are "higher" he has also been of the attitude that the same thing that causes the likelyhood of the Dumper to "come back" is the same thing that causes the Dumpee to reject them when the time comes.

 

It has always been about moving on in his advice but he has not "sugar coated" that advice with negativity to create some sort of absolute opinion that removes all hope and possibility in order to facilitate healing.

 

In truth this sort of perspective possibility approach is definitely outside the realm of normal thinking for some but to me seems pragmatic. It's as if saying it like this.

 

Chance of getting back together 100

 

This factor -25

 

This factor -25

 

This factor -25

 

This factor with a 50% chance to occur +75

 

So...despite the fact that you are GUARANTEED a 25% (which is low) chance of reconciliation (whether successful or not is irrelevant to the point here) here in the formula we have a very realistic possibility that this chance itself will be boosted back up to 100% CHANCE. Now we're still just dealing with possibilities and not outcomes in my formula and it is hypothetical as well as circumstantial.

 

I made this example to prove one thing: outliers. Now, I could make a real mathmatical formula but it'd be more boring and I'd spend years of my life collecting data.

 

So to a degree I'm coming to the defense of Gibson here simply to say...read the posts specifically 'Dumped by someone with GIGS' and realize just how much he encourages moving on and giving up hope. I think it is the fault of the interpreter when the data comes off the right way (as intended by the person setting it forth) to most people and wrong to a few people (false hope) whereas normally I'm of the opinion that it is the fault of the communicator if the person communicating has failed to convey their point (the one in their head) to any listening.

 

As far as people change, perspectives change etc. of course and that same fact of reality also alludes to changing back in a similar or BETTER way. GIGS isn't some catch 22 for all breakups and frankly we refer to it as GIGS to make it easier to swallow. As opposed to my label for me which is post-adolescent onset egocentrism and emotional immaturity.

 

For "GIGS" Dumpees: Our Exes started to believe hollywood and went rumspringer on us because their opinions of us became formulated on negative data and that among a great deal of other things resulted in loss of feeling, negative feelings or the general idea that it wasn't going to work out. Some evidence of this is that they still act in ways of someone who is very conflicted by their own feelings and ego.

 

For more "Mature" breakups due to problems, compatibility and loss of love:

 

My personal opinion is that most people lack the dedication in life to MAKE things workout whether in a relationship, job or personal goal. This also applies to when people's priorities don't match up. Most of us don't bother to introspect until things go bad and don't bother improving on things we think we already know and a lot of us will embrace defense mechanisms in order to cope with reality when the truth is more harsh then we are prepared to deal with.

 

Letting go of defense mechanisms to deal with the pain is my way of doing things and in some ways it is counter-intuitive as there is more pain "then I need deal with" but it also provides a realistic and pragmatic perspective free of absolutes. I count the outliers but don't count on them to end up being median outcomes.

Edited December 31, 2011 by EgoJoe

[2sunny]

My experience has been to keep my mind open to possibilities.

 

When I tried anything and everything to see what made ME happy - I found a result tht worked for me. That was only after a few years of constantly changing things.

 

I never thought things could be this good - but I wouldn't have gotten my results if I didn't have an open mind and if I wasn't willing to try change.

[CaliGuy]

In their own way and in their own time, a dumpee will finally accept the break up and come to the conclusion that a possible successful reconciliation was based on their own "false hope".

 

*clipped to save space*

 

Thank you, Gibson (I have many of them, btw). The whole reason I got into this thread is listening to wilsonx and his followers who ignore hard evidence and factual data, tossing it aside and thinking "I'm in that 0.01% group!" This is self-destruction at it's finest.

 

If people want a healthy relationship, they need to let go of things that tie them down and keep them from healing. Mainly hanging on to a SLIVER of hope that an dumper is going to want them back. As I have said a million times on LS, it has to be the DUMPER who wants you back and proves it through not just their words but their ACTIONS which back it up.

 

 

In the end, I think arguments a good thing. It's the main reason why our society has grown and evolved, and it is what makes us human. When people don't want to argue about something they strongly believe in, it only makes me think they're skeptical themselves.

 

My advice comes from first hand experience and six years of going through hundreds, maybe thousands of posts on LS about reconciliation. One rule has come shining through all of the mud tossed around: "If an Ex wants you, they will be the one who initiates it..." Read through my guides to get an idea of what people need to focus on.

 

So to a degree I'm coming to the defense of Gibson here simply to say...read the posts specifically 'Dumped by someone with GIGS' and realize just how much he encourages moving on and giving up hope.

 

I have never argued with that logic simply because letting go of an Ex is healthy for the dumpee. The problem I have is mostly with wilsonx and people who argue that every dumper has GIGS (which is psycho-babble at its finest). People leave a relationship because they don't feel the same way about the dumpee as the dumpee as for the dumper. You just can't wave a wand and make "magical feelings" just reppear. That is a conclusion the dumper has to come to on their own.

 

And I can tell you first hand that chasing a dumper is the absolute worst thing you can ever do to yourself. Not because you'll ruin any chance of a reconciliation (you will, regardless) but the simple fact that you'll delay your own grieving and healing process and by doing so, set yourself back months or even years.

 

I dislike the whole terminology attached to a breakup (GIGS). Nobody leaves because they are STILL IN LOVE with you. They are no longer in love with you anymore, that's why they dumped you. Whether they have feelings for someone else or not, it doesn't matter. They left by choice. It's not like someone you loved and who loved you who died. They didn't make a conscious choice.

 

The dumper did make a choice and it was to walk away.

 

Let it be. Let it go. Move on with your life. The longer you hang on to the past the more of your future you let wizz by your face. The next thing you know you're old and out of touch with what a healthy relationship is like.

 

Cheers.

[gibson]

After 3 years together one of my Exes came to me and told me she had the following wants / needs / desires:

 

Said she was young (22) and wanted to go travel, experience life on her own, make new friends, have adventures, have her own place, date others and not be in a committed relationship, etc. I get what / why she wanted to do that because me and most everyone I knew felt and did exactly what she did around her age. So we wished each other well, broke up and went about our lives.

 

I understood and think it is perfectly normal and natural based on where she was in her life, her life experience, where we were in our relationship, things she wanted to accomplish outside of a relationship, etc.

 

I call it GIGS, you call it XXXXXX... Does it really matter what we call it? Just because some people here on LS do not like the term GIGS are we to dismiss it?

 

Like it or not, it is very common for people (generally 18 – 25) who have been in a LTR since HS / college with the same person and have very little dating / life experience to break up because they have a “feeling, need, desire” to see and experience what the world has to offer.

 

I don’t know about you but I only know of 2 or 3 HS / College sweethearts that ended in marriage. Me, my friends and everyone else I knew, ended whatever LTR we were in and did what most normal 18 – 25 years do. Who in their right mind actually wants to marry the person they entered into a LTR around that age range without seeing / knowing what is out there?

 

We wanted to experience life on our own, date others, party, focus on school, work, sleep around, have fun, live it up, do and see as much as possible, etc.

 

There were not problems or issues with our Ex, we didn’t hate or not care about the person we were in a LTR with. Bottom Line, it was just age / timing issue. We reach an age where we had an opportunity to see what life and the world have to offer and we didn’t want to “miss out”. That doesn't make us evil, damaged, screwed up, etc. We didn’t want to be in a committed relationship (that was leading somewhere) or date the “marrying type”. That was not appealing to us and the furthest things from our mind.

 

The problem I see here on LS is most of the people are the dumpees who either went through GIGS (“XXXXXXXX” or whatever you want to call it) already, haven’t gone through it yet (a lot of young people here on LS) or are one of those people that doesn’t “need, desire, have to” go through that before they believe and know they have met “the one”.

 

I wish I had better news for you and could tell you that the person you entered into a LTR in that age range are going to ride off into the sunset… but the truth is, it probably isn’t going to happen. Either you or the person is more than likely going to dump you, go live it up and date many others and yes... sometimes they return, sometimes they don’t.

 

If GIGS is the wrong term to describe pretty much what everyone I have ever known to do around 18 - 25 years of age... Then someone please come up with a LS approved term or description and I will use it instead.

 

What I fail to understand is how people can deny this * whatever we are suppose to call it now * doesn't happen or exist.

[EgoJoe]

Caliguy:

Sometimes those feelings change or take the backburner to the reality of the present. People leave when they are in love all of the time it simply may not be enough for a number of reasons. Invalidation, arguments etc.

 

I don't believe GIGS to be psycho babble mostly because I find that term to be a little insulting to the reality of the mind. We all have our own hidden motivations that until we ask ourself, unconscious and subconscious we do not even start to comprehend.

 

Also, emotional immaturity can lead to "confusion" but to me confusion isn't not knowing it's simply an internal conflict which itself is fed by external influences.

 

I don't advocate chasing and nor does Gibson his posts have always been of the mind that it should be them to convince you to give it another chance.

 

Sometimes "chasing" a dumper might be the right course of action most times it is not. All the time healing is appropriate and required.

 

This does not mean (in my opinion) that with the right attitude accepting that the "why" isn't as simple as the feelings are gone and recognizing the catalysts is not appropriate. This does not mean that the relationship still isn't over, they chose to leave you and that you need to accept it, move on and look to the future.

 

I myself subscribe to GIGS with my own take on the realty of it mostly because of this: everything has followed the pattern suggested by Gibson/Homebrew to the T. With some exceptions to the specifics because as I've been counselled by him it is obvious that even though she's full of herself she knows what kind of **** won't fly with me because of how I cut through the BS and am confrontational.

 

These are facts that have been proven to me with logic. Does this change the fact that my relationship is over? No! Am I chasing her HELLLLLL NO! Do I want her back? I can finally say No because my waning feelings are for the girl who existed pre-wig out and the reality is that she may never have been and may never be that girl again. Even if she were to pursue me I'd have to be moved on, have dated others and she'd have to make a monumentous effort to even get a scrap of my attention. Otherwise I would always feel like a second-best backup plan.

 

In my opinion a true understanding of the process itself in the end facilitates a healthier outlook overall. I know my Ex still loves me because she still panders for my validation..something that lead to the end of our relationship GIGS or not. I was invalidating due to my confrontational nature and lack of understanding of the female psyche at the time.

 

Afterthought edit: I am in NC despite passive aggressive breadcrumbs and could probably contact for a reconnection of sorts maybe even a short-lived reconciliation but refuse to chase.

 

Also, just because she loves me doesn't mean she still wants to be with me or wants me back. Attraction faded for reasons within and outside of my control, ON BOTH ENDS. When my attraction faded I began to act in an unattractive manner. Understanding the process has expounded upon my perspective quite a bit and no I don't sit here pining for her and hoping she "comes to her senses"

Edited December 31, 2011 by EgoJoe

[CaliGuy]

Like it or not, it is very common for people (generally 18 – 25) who have been in a LTR since HS / college with the same person and have very little dating / life experience to break up because they have a “feeling, need, desire” to see and experience what the world has to offer.

 

This is why I say wait until you're in your late 20s or early 30s to get married. GIGS is such a psycho-babble term. Every young person has to experience life. Labeling as it's a syndrome is not exactly intellectually noted with psychologist (such as narcissism for example.

 

The problem I see here on LS is most of the people are the dumpees who either went through GIGS (“XXXXXXXX” or whatever you want to call it) already, haven’t gone through it yet (a lot of young people here on LS) or are one of those people that doesn’t “need, desire, have to” go through that before they believe and know they have met “the one”.

 

This is why I have two pretty well thought out guides that help dumpees pick up the pieces and move on. It is why other people re-post my thread on "Second chances" (dont do it) and "No Contact". I'm not trying to blow sunshine up people's butts. I'm trying to KINDLY smack a little sense into them and get them out of wallowing in their own misery. To help give them the tools to dust themselves off and move on.

 

If GIGS is the wrong term to describe pretty much what everyone I have ever known to do around 18 - 25 years of age... Then someone please come up with a LS approved term or description and I will use it instead.

 

What I fail to understand is how people can deny this * whatever we are suppose to call it now * doesn't happen or exist.

 

GIGS is a loose term that isn't defined by psychology. What is really is is IMMATURITY. People who are not ready for a LTR and who haven't seen the world. You can come up with any term you want but it comes down to people who are not mature enough to have a LTR. It's not that the "Grass is greener" or something. They just haven't experienced life in general.

 

What bothers me more is the fact that using this "GIGS" term and "Reconciliation" in the same context is way, way, way off base. Immature people and mature people alike leave for the same reasons. They are no longer IN LOVE with that person. Just because you're immature and leave someone doesn't mean you'll magically mature weeks or months later (or even years for that matter) and want to start over again.

 

The odds of that are akin to winning the lottery -- and people chasing after exes have about the same odds as winning.

 

Caliguy:

Sometimes those feelings change or take the backburner to the reality of the present. People leave when they are in love all of the time it simply may not be enough for a number of reasons. Invalidation, arguments etc.

 

No sir. That is incorrect. People who are IN LOVE do not leave. People love but are NOT IN LOVE, leave. There is a huge difference between loving someone and being IN LOVE with them. You need to do some homework on the difference between the two.

 

I don't advocate chasing and nor does Gibson his posts have always been of the mind that it should be them to convince you to give it another chance.

 

And honestly, immature people who break off a relationship aren't going to be chasing the guy they dumped. They're going to be chasing an even NEWER guy (to them). Immature is immune to age. I've seen 40 year old women (and men) pull this kind of crap. It isn't limited to just this "GIGS" term. It's people who are insatiable, who have no idea what they really want.

 

All they know is that they don't want YOU -- so they leave. Trust me, if an ex wanted back, NOTHING ON EARTH would stop them from finding you. And you, as a dumpee, don't have to do a thing.

 

Sometimes "chasing" a dumper might be the right course of action most times it is not. All the time healing is appropriate and required.

 

I'm sorry but there is NEVER a good time to chase a dumper. You'll cage them and will fail again. You'll prevent the necessary grieving and healing process. And, you'll push the dumpee even further away. Again, it has to be 100% from them (not you) or it isn't going to work.

 

Afterthought edit: I am in NC despite passive aggressive breadcrumbs and could probably contact for a reconnection of sorts maybe even a short-lived reconciliation but refuse to chase.

 

Instead I suggest working on yourself. Improve the things you can, fix anything that is broken (I suggest counseling for everyone having a hard time dealing with a breakup). Wishy-washy dumpers who drop breadcrumbs aren't looking to reconcile. They are validating themselves and using you in the process.

 

Also, just because she loves me doesn't mean she still wants to be with me or wants me back. Attraction faded for reasons within and outside of my control, ON BOTH ENDS. When my attraction faded I began to act in an unattractive manner. Understanding the process has expounded upon my perspective quite a bit and no I don't sit here pining for her and hoping she "comes to her senses"

 

She loves you like a friend or a brother. If she was IN LOVE with you, she would have never walked away. Period.

 

You'll never know why that attraction faded, but I can tell you it wasn't something as simple as that psycho-babble called GIGS. She didn't feel the desire that she needed to continue the relationship. Once that happens there isn't a d*mn thing you or anyone else can do about it.

 

It's like the death of a loved one (analogy here). They aren't there anymore and though you love them, they aren't around anymore. You live, you love, you move on.

 

This is the case of dumpees. Yes, they loved you at some point, but not enough to want to take it to the next level. There was no longer a desire to share your lives together.

 

It sucks, but that's life.

[EgoJoe]

I know the difference between loving and in love and I'll conclude that to a misstatement of terminology but I disagree because things can get in the way of that and by definition an immature person will take leaps outside of logic.

 

She doesn't love me like a friend or brother because I can sense the denial from her breadcrumbs (I have not responded in a while) and she isn't IN LOVE with me. She also isn't validating herself (that I can tell) because I did respond to her crumbs initially (4.5 months ago) to see what was up and upon validation she did the old "got a dose" vanishing act. If she is trying to validate herself it is not going successfully. Because she is passive aggressively pandering after the fact when I have not responded in months.

 

The only times I think it "might" be ok to chase would be where the love is strong but there has been hurt from a direct mistake or neglect and that is a whole different topic.

 

As far as attraction fading, I know the major reasons the subtleties facets etc. all stem from that and I don't need a unified theory of attraction as per my situation because I am moving on. As I've stated before GIGS is a loose definition of this stage of life and attitude. It doesn't mean looking directly at someone else.

 

I can also see that we agree for the most part on the specifics if not for our terminology, perspective and experience. I am working on me, I am not going to chase and I am not giving her any validation whatsoever positive or negative. I don't want her back nor am I justifying her behavior etc. I was attempting to provide my experience, rationale and opinion as an example of why I believe in GIGS/Egocentrism/Immaturity.

 

I also agree about an immature person chasing someone else for the "rush" this is something I believe to be outside of debate. They will only chase for you back if they've grown up or find out that they already had what they thought they were missing and simply did not put the effort in to sustain and expound upon that. I for one believe that my Ex probably thinks I am there for her whenever she chooses and she is incorrect. As it sits the only communication she might get from me eventually is a very terse and polite tell off.

Edited December 31, 2011 by EgoJoe

[gibson]

If she was IN LOVE with you, she would have never walked away. Period.

 

Seriously?!?!?

 

You and I are a lot older and have a lot more life experience than most of the posters in this thread. When we were their age, you didn't know who you were, what you wanted, have the confidence that you do now, you were just as lost as they are and didn't know your a55 from a hole in the ground. Much less, know what LOVE is.

 

Back then I was in LOVE and I dumped and Ex due to * the term that is now forbidden *. I was conflicted, torn and scared out of my mind that I was walking away from what I thought was the best thing that would happen to me... So I ended up torturing her and she "suffered" through that until I finally have the courage and strength to do what was right and break up.

 

Throughout my * the term that is now forbidden * "phase" that lasted several years... I never stopped LOVING my Ex, missing her or wondering what she was up too. I never thought any less of her or like a sister.

 

The problem was, I wanted to be selfish, single, focus solely on me, date around, party, sleep around, get comfortable in my own skin, see what was out there. I couldn't do that in a committed relationship with her (because I never stopped LOVING or RESPECTING her).

 

Like anyone that age, I was a KID (22 year old) for crying out loud! Me and everyone I knew, didn't want to be "stuck" with the person we were going to be marrying from the age 17 never having dated much up till that point.

 

Truth is once me and most everyone else I knew who went through * the term that is now forbidden *... We all went back to the person we dumped because we still LOVED them, MISSED them, MISSED "us", etc. In my case, my Ex had already fell in love with someone else but several of my friends ended up marrying their Ex and are still happy and together today.

 

What I did, what I felt and why I went back is the truth. I NEVER stopped loving that EX, not once. I just didn't have a clue what LOVE was, how special and rare she / we were and didn't figure it out until several years down the road.

 

Me and many people I know who were in LTR with someone that dumped them because of * the term that is now forbidden * also had Exes that crawled back on their knees on broken glass for a second chance. Some of my friends got back together and married them and are happy today. Me personally, I have 7 Exes come back (4 that had * the term that is now forbidden *) within a 2 - 3 period.

 

Now you can argue with me, accuse me of lying, ignore my posts, have these posts removed... but the simple fact is, this happens each and every day and we all know and hear these stories like I am sharing here now. You can't hide from it, you can't run from them... because they are everywhere.

Edited December 31, 2011 by gibson