So Here It Is...

[CaliGuy]

Hope faith love...

 

Doubt fear rejection...

 

Happiness and sadness... confusion!

 

Wouldn't it be great if we could control it more!!!

 

Its why i believe love is a choice and unconditional love can mean being patient, flexible, not having an answer for everything, being understanding, being forgiving. Then you are torn when you dont get anything back, you aren't treated with respect, you don't understand what they are thinking - no matter how hard you try, you feel lost, its hard to dream when you don't know what the future holds...

 

I read somewhere that real unconditional love means you only want their happiness and if you really love them you accept that it might not be with you... its pretty tough to live it though.

 

 

Here is the generally accepted definition of “unconditional love”:

 

 

 

“Unconditional love is a term that means to love someone regardless of one's actions or beliefs. It is a concept comparable to true love, a term which is more frequently used to describe love between lovers. By contrast, unconditional love is frequently used to describe love between family members, comrades in arms and between others in highly committed relationships. It has also been used in religious context to describe God's love for humankind.”

 

 

 

I can only sum up by saying its normal its how we make decisions we throw things back and forth, cause effect, effort result, protection vulnerability... are we strong or are we weak, will we survive will we not... the truth is everyday we go back and forth when we think about things... but what stops the back and forth is making a decision and then sticking with it.

 

I guess my little rant of what I was thinking isnt particularly helpful but I am sure we all who are hoping and trying for reconciliation know exactly how you feel - like a pendulum!!

 

 

 

I agree with most of what you’re saying. The biggest problem with the notion of “GIGS” is that you/we/them as the “dumpee” can do something about getting exes to come back. Nothing could be further from the truth. People who truly love you do not walk away. There’s an old adage “It’s called a break-up because it’s broken” that is really valid in this instance. And its not always YOU (us) that is broken -- but them. And honestly, why would you want to waste weeks, months or even years chasing someone who isn’t right for you? That’s what I don’t get about this “GIGS” stuff.

 

 

 

IMHO, it’s a bunch of smoke and mirrors!!!

 

 

 

Its giving dumpees false hope that THEY personally can do something to win an ex back. The cold hard fact is that you CANNOT control other people. You do not make decisions for them. They know what they want and if it was you (us) then they would have never walked away in the first place. The simple fact they left you in the dust is all that matters. They wanted something they felt you could not provide. There’s a movie called “500 Days of Summer” which I think a lot of men should watch. It’s a perfect example that not every/most relationships are meant to be. The best line of the movie at the end is where she tells him why she left him:

 

 

 

“I felt something with him that I did not feel with you….”

 

 

 

That in a nutshell is why people leave us and go on to date/marry someone else. “GIGS” has nothing to do with it. It’s simply that they don’t feel the same way about you that you feel about them. So instead of wasting your time chasing someone that doesn’t want to be caught by you it’s much more beneficial to dust yourself off, get yourself mentally healthy and HAPPY and you’ll eventually meet someone who feels the exact same way about you as you do about them. That is why I wrote the NO CONTACT thread. Everything you need to know about moving on, loving yourself and getting healthy is in there.

 

 

And if an ex does come back, it is something THEY do on their own, by their own actions. Not by anything you DO or SAY to them.

 

 

Cheers.

[ken_25]

wilsonx,

 

What I was glad to see in this thread was you change from telling us "how it is" to "how you see it". There are many truths. One man's terrorist is another's freedom fighter. Even in courts of law, if all the witnesses tell the same story, they are believed to be lying. How we see things depends on where we are, and how we interpret what we see depends on what we've learnt, our nature, our language.

 

We all seek to make sense of the world, such that what we sense, feel and think confirm each other. We like to have thoughts that confirm our feelings and feelings that confirm our senses. This is what being true to ourselves is about. By being in touch with our feelings, senses, and thoughts we can make decisions in our best interests.

 

And even then, when we believe we it have all lined up, when we feel fully aware, we still make mistakes. We're humans, not gods. For me, this thread and your journey in it is not so much about your relationship with you ex as it is about you relationship with yourself, the world, and your reality.

 

Hope you had a ripe old Christmas and here's to an excellent New Year!

 

*golf clap*

[smokey bear]

Anyone who is on the GIGS bandwagon knows there is nothing they can do, only time will solve it.

 

GIGS includes the evolution of unconditional love, understanding and learning it.

 

Gigs, smoke and mirrors, its not.

 

Someone who loves you does not walk away, incorrect, someone with GIGS does not fully understand the complexity of love, why do we chase someone who is not right for us, they were for a long time, they changed with GIGS and will change at the end of it, hence why some hold on.

 

Having hope does not hinder healing or hold you back, there is nothing wrong with it.

 

The whole point though is understanding GIGS thats what we are doing, in this thread and others, understanding it

[CaliGuy]

Anyone who is on the GIGS bandwagon knows there is nothing they can do, only time will solve it.

 

Time only allows for healing. It doesn't "solve" why they left or why someone would mull around in the quagmire over something they cannot control.

 

GIGS includes the evolution of unconditional love, understanding and learning it.

 

Unconditional loves requires two people to be in a FULLY commited relationship, not one.

 

Gigs, smoke and mirrors, its not.

 

On the contrary, it's nothing BUT smoke and mirrors, hocus pocus.

 

Someone who loves you does not walk away, incorrect, someone with GIGS does not fully understand the complexity of love, why do we chase someone who is not right for us, they were for a long time, they changed with GIGS and will change at the end of it, hence why some hold on.

 

Incorrect again. Someone who truly loves you, who wants to be WITH you, will NEVER walk away. It's bad advice to tell someone that the one who left them is "confused", which may or may NOT be the case. The fact is, they DID walk away and look for someone else. And they may continue to do that, but when they do walk away it is because you could not offer something they wanted. They will continue to look for new avenues until they DO find the person who meets those requirements.

 

In no way does it mean you met those requirements. If you did, they would have never left in the first place.

 

Having hope does not hinder healing or hold you back, there is nothing wrong with it.

 

Again you are incorrect. Having hope over something you cannot control is self-destruction at it's finest. Instead of worrying about someone or something you cannot control the best thing anyone can do is work on bettering themselves.

 

Focus on healing. Make yourself a better person. Learn to love who you are and make yourself happy. Do not EVER depend on someone else to "make you happy". If you can't love yourself you never learn to love someone else correctly.

 

The whole point though is understanding GIGS thats what we are doing, in this thread and others, understanding it

 

Lots of smoke and mirrors, hocus pocus and self-destruction buring brain cells trying to figure out why someone left and how you can get them back instead of controlling the one thing you DO control.

 

Yourself.

 

Cheers.

 

PS: "Burn me once, shame on you. Burn me twice, shame on ME."

[immitable]

 

 

Incorrect again. Someone who truly loves you, who wants to be WITH you, will NEVER walk away. It's bad advice to tell someone that the one who left them is "confused", which may or may NOT be the case. The fact is, they DID walk away and look for someone else.

 

Having hope over something you cannot control is self-destruction at it's finest.

 

"

 

I am going to have to disagree with this part of your post, the rest is okay .

 

Firstly, you sometimes need to break to see things differently, because things do get blurry over time.

 

Usually, the grass is not greener on the other side.

 

The work you put into getting to know someone initially.

 

How would you explain couples divorcing after 30 years of marriage, would you also say love never existed?

 

Hope is a survival mechanism.

[wilsonx]

caliguy,

 

your post is extremely black and white. in essence its wrong. The real world has other shades of colors. Just because something doesnt conform to your standards and your being doesnt mean its wrong. You got burned because your a coward and selfish. Your resentment of your ex is your own problem. Waaah she hurt me i will never trust her again.

 

Do you even know what GIGS is? In essence its the process of reaching emotional maturity. Smokey nailed it in her post on understanding gigs.

 

You can say gigs is smoke and mirrors, i can say religion is smoke and mirrors and hocus pocus. There is no real proof in religion. There is no proof in a deity. None, but people have hope that there is one, there is nothing wrong with people having hope about someone growing up and realizing they made a mistake and becoming a better person because of it.

[betterdeal]

Having hope over something you cannot control is self-destruction at it's finest. Instead of worrying about someone or something you cannot control the best thing anyone can do is work on bettering themselves.

 

I consider the direction in which we're focusing as being more important. wilsonx et al appear to be focusing on a prior lover. Their attention is directed at a past relationship. It's not how I wish to be, although I have been that way in the past, but it's part of their journey. Perhaps they are too upset or "wounded" and are using this as an excuse for not starting a new relationship with someone else, or doing the often tedious work of changing themselves, of mastering their emotions and so on.

 

As for GIGS and the theories that surround it, I see that as little more than reading tea leaves or palm reading. In my view, the reality is much more random and any reconnection is more down to Brownian motion than some predictable set of steps. Beyond saying to oneself, "when s/he has calmed down and got this manic phase out of his/her system, and doesn't need a coterie of wo/men surrounding them, then I might give it another shot" there's not much to be said, thought or planned, IMO.

 

That's my view.

[CaliGuy]

caliguy,

 

your post is extremely black and white. in essence its wrong. The real world has other shades of colors. Just because something doesnt conform to your standards and your being doesnt mean its wrong. You got burned because your a coward and selfish. Your resentment of your ex is your own problem. Waaah she hurt me i will never trust her again.

 

Are you 12, wilson? Because your snide remarks reminds me of how 12 year olds talk to each other. If you're not mature enough to see both sides of the coin then you shouldn't be doling out this assinine advice to users on the forums.

 

You have people falling into self-destructive patterns and this falls on your feet. You are responsible for giving them bad advice.

 

Do you even know what GIGS is? In essence its the process of reaching emotional maturity. Smokey nailed it in her post on understanding gigs.

 

What on earth makes you believe that any and everyone who leaves you has this "self-deduced" issue? Not everyone leaves because they "think the grass is greener".

 

The most significant reason people leave it because they didn't feel the same way. It has nothing to do with the grass being greener -- just a different shade of color for THEM.

 

You can say gigs is smoke and mirrors, i can say religion is smoke and mirrors and hocus pocus. There is no real proof in religion. There is no proof in a deity. None, but people have hope that there is one, there is nothing wrong with people having hope about someone growing up and realizing they made a mistake and becoming a better person because of it.

 

The hope you are giving them is based on a foundation of sand which will easily wash away. It will take them some time to figure it out on their own but your advice is very hurtful to people who need to focus on healing and moving on.

 

As for my ex, she walked away not because she had "GIGS" syndrome (what a farce, GIGS...). She didn't feel the same way about me. Love takes time and both people in a relationship have to feel the same way. If one doesn't, it's no longer a relationship.

 

In every relationship that has ended for me it has simply been that I or they did not feel the same way. If we both did, we would have never broken up.

 

Stop telling people they shoud "hope" for a second chance or a reconcilliation. Instead they should be purely focused on getting themselves healthy and in the right frame of mind without any dependency on an ex.

 

Telling them otherwise is a perfect exampe of smoke and mirrors. And if you continue to tell people that, even you will eventually realize just how far off base you are.

 

Cheers.

[immitable]

 

 

 

What on earth makes you believe that any and everyone who leaves you has this "self-deduced" issue? Not everyone leaves because they "think the grass is greener".

 

 

 

The hope you are giving them is based on a foundation of sand which will easily wash away. It will take them some time to figure it out on their own but your advice is very hurtful to people who need to focus on healing and moving on.

 

As for my ex, she walked away not because she had "GIGS" syndrome (what a farce, GIGS...). She didn't feel the same way about me. Love takes time and both people in a relationship have to feel the same way. If one doesn't, it's no longer a relationship.

 

Stop telling people they shoud "hope" for a second chance or a reconcilliation. Instead they should be purely focused on getting themselves healthy and in the right frame of mind without any dependency on an ex.

 

 

People who want a second chance should be positive about it. Positive attitude will eventually get them to a better place.

 

How do you know why your ex left you?

If I remeber correctly, you didn't even speak to her when you visited her at christmas.

[wilsonx]

I never said hope for anything... you misread my words.

 

Caliguy might as well just exit this thread because your words are irrelevant to me at this point, good luck in your life

[wilsonx]

People who want a second chance should be positive about it. Positive attitude will eventually get them to a better place.

 

How do you know why your ex left you?

If I remeber correctly, you didn't even speak to her when you visited her at christmas.

 

exactly right.... he doesnt know he didnt ask... I even posted that in his thread and he dismissed it lol

Edited December 30, 2011 by wilsonx

[2sunny]

Stop blaming GIG and start ACCEPTING that you two aren't a good match.

 

Anytime someone gives you decent advice - you dismiss them. CG is right - you need to look within and grow to a healthier place. Your depence on her is out of balance.

 

The more you chase and wait - the further away she will run from you.

[2sunny]

Grass is greener =

 

I'm looking for something other than what you have offered. Your offer hasn't matched up with what I expect.

 

I'm out looking for what I expect from my lover since you weren't a good match for ME!

 

That is GIG - THAT is what they'll never tell you - but it IS the truth!

 

No reason to try to BE THAT good match when she has already come to her own conclusion that you're not what she is looking for.

 

Any further effort makes anyone look pathetic and weak.

[beach]

Stop blaming GIG and start ACCEPTING that you two aren't a good match.

 

Anytime someone gives you decent advice - you dismiss them. CG is right - you need to look within and grow to a healthier place. Your depence on her is out of balance.

 

The more you chase and wait - the further away she will run from you.

 

Grass is greener =

 

I'm looking for something other than what you have offered. Your offer hasn't matched up with what I expect.

 

I'm out looking for what I expect from my lover since you weren't a good match for ME!

 

That is GIG - THAT is what they'll never tell you - but it IS the truth!

 

No reason to try to BE THAT good match when she has already come to her own conclusion that you're not what she is looking for.

 

Any further effort makes anyone look pathetic and weak.

 

This helps

[CaliGuy]

People who want a second chance should be positive about it. Positive attitude will eventually get them to a better place.

 

How do you know why your ex left you?

If I remeber correctly, you didn't even speak to her when you visited her at christmas.

 

No that is incorrect. I said we didn't speak much until I left. We did talk a little but nothing was said that no one else could not overhear. What we did talk about in length was before I left and again, it was very cordial and nothing personal. Like two friends who haven't talked in a while and avoiding asking any personal questions.

 

Look, she left me six years ago and had been with the same guy until recently. Do you honestly think she had anything resembling the "farce" called GIGS? No of course not. She had picked a guy that she felt made her feel the way she wanted to feel -- which I did not.

 

That has nothing to do with someone thinking the grass is greener. For her, it was someone ELSE that lit her fire, not mine. So there is no reason for me to hope, pray or waste time of my own life trying to figure out why she left and try to fit a square peg in a round hole.

 

This GIGS crap is going to cause people farm more harm than good.

 

 

I never said hope for anything... you misread my words.

Caliguy might as well just exit this thread because your words are irrelevant to me at this point, good luck in your life

 

No -- you are giving people bad advice that is going to delay their own healing. And the reason you want me to exit this thread is that you personally can't handle people who do not agree with you.

 

Perhaps that is what your problem is. You always assume everyone else has a problem but you. It may also be why you're coming up with the ridiculous advice that is harmful to others. Because you won't accept that you have personal demons to slay you'll attack others. It may also explain why you got dumped (deservedly so).

 

You, my friend, are in dire need of a good Counselor.

 

exactly right.... he doesnt know he didnt ask... I even posted that in his thread and he dismissed it lol

 

It wasn't important. If you had read my threads about her over the years you would have easily known why she left (I didn't fire her motors like the "other" guy did). Why on earth, after six years, do you think anything has changed. She was with him far longer than she was with me. She has had every opportunity to contact me or tell me she made a mistake and she hasn't (nor will she).

 

You're trying to twist this into something I or anyone else can control and that again is piss poor advice.

 

If someone wants to be with you they will make it clear. You don't have to chase them. You don't have to pester them until they give you an answer. The answer, my friend, is always clear.

 

Stop blaming GIG and start ACCEPTING that you two aren't a good match.

Anytime someone gives you decent advice - you dismiss them. CG is right - you need to look within and grow to a healthier place. Your depence on her is out of balance.

The more you chase and wait - the further away she will run from you.

 

2Sunny, his advice is not only destructive to himself, it's VERY destructive to people reading it who are hoping/praying that there is some magical formula for getting an ex back. The fact is reconciling almost never happens. They leave because the relationship wasn't working for them and time doesn't fix that. Nothing does. They either do or do not feel the same way. There is no gray area here.

 

I hope the moderators read through this guys terrible advice and just close the thread. The advice is not helping anyone -- it's hurting them.

[CaliGuy]

Grass is greener =

 

I'm looking for something other than what you have offered. Your offer hasn't matched up with what I expect.

 

I'm out looking for what I expect from my lover since you weren't a good match for ME!

 

That is GIG - THAT is what they'll never tell you - but it IS the truth!

 

No reason to try to BE THAT good match when she has already come to her own conclusion that you're not what she is looking for.

 

Any further effort makes anyone look pathetic and weak.

 

Excellent, 2Sunny. It can also be summed up this way:

 

"You don't light my fire..."

"I don't feel the same way about you..."

"I love you as a person but I am not IN love with you..."

 

There is no such thing as GIGS. There are only healthy relationships and break ups. Trying to put an acronym on something that doesn't exist, that gives people false hope, which delays their healing is an utter waste of time and simply bad advice.

[immitable]

Grass is greener =

 

I'm looking for something other than what you have offered. Your offer hasn't matched up with what I expect.

 

I'm out looking for what I expect from my lover since you weren't a good match for ME!

 

That is GIG - THAT is what they'll never tell you - but it IS the truth!

 

No reason to try to BE THAT good match when she has already come to her own conclusion that you're not what she is looking for.

 

Any further effort makes anyone look pathetic and weak.

 

Sunny, I know you're hurting like all of us. It is also wrong to have false hope, but people do change, you and him as well, people learn from their mistakes.

Reconciliations don't happen at a very high rate nowadays mainly because of hurt egos and bruised personalities.

 

How many times have we seen a situation where dumper tries to reconnect, but the dumpee has moved on. Yet, it is only logical to move on.

 

Poeople think or hope that the grass is greener, but you have to stay above that. Because it isn't.

 

You cannot interpret love as a logical thing, because it isn't.

 

How would you explain a growing relationship?

How would you explain learning from mistakes?

How would you explain a strong relationship?

 

Love wouldn't be love if it was that easy, finding a perfect match bottom line.

How can you be sure it is a perfect match?

Does your perfect match stand the test of time? obviously no in most of the cases.

[2sunny]

I'm not hurting and I don't have false hope.

 

Just pointing out the obvious since Wilson has his blinders on and people seem to believe this inadequate info he's dishing out.

[2sunny]

Ask yourself "why would I want to be with someone who chose me anything less than first?"

 

"why would I not love myself enough - to settle for SO little?"

 

You have so much work to do on the inside Wilson - it has NOTHING to do with GIG - you need counseling. Deal with that overinflated ego and the delusion that this is GIG. Stop blaming everyone and everything else. Your perspective is in the way of you growing.

[CaliGuy]

Sunny, I know you're hurting like all of us. It is also wrong to have false hope, but people do change, you and him as well, people learn from their mistakes.

Reconciliations don't happen at a very high rate nowadays mainly because of hurt egos and bruised personalities.

 

How many times have we seen a situation where dumper tries to reconnect, but the dumpee has moved on. Yet, it is only logical to move on.

 

Poeople think or hope that the grass is greener, but you have to stay above that. Because it isn't.

 

You cannot interpret love as a logical thing, because it isn't.

 

How would you explain a growing relationship?

How would you explain learning from mistakes?

How would you explain a strong relationship?

 

Love wouldn't be love if it was that easy, finding a perfect match bottom line.

How can you be sure it is a perfect match?

Does your perfect match stand the test of time? obviously no in most of the cases.

 

People for years have had this "dream person" idolized in their head but no one can ever meet those expectations. They leave not because the grass is greener, it's because they are looking for the person that fits those ideas and gives them that spark.

 

If they loved you, truly loved you, they would have never left in the first place.

 

All this bullcrap about GIGS (hah) is just delaying the healing process for people who really need it.

[marqueemoon4]

 

Poeople think or hope that the grass is greener, but you have to stay above that. Because it isn't.

 

 

It tears me up inside to admit it, but in my exW's case the probably IS greener. That is the hardest thing I've ever had to swallow in my life since we have a kid, and now she has one on the way with him. I'll never, ever get another chance to fix all the mistakes I made with her, and I'll never be able to be the parent I want to be. Most excruciating "learning experience" of my life.

[CaliGuy]

Ask yourself "why would I want to be with someone who chose me anything less than first?"

 

"why would I not love myself enough - to settle for SO little?"

 

You have so much work to do on the inside Wilson - it has NOTHING to do with GIG - you need counseling. Deal with that overinflated ego and the delusion that this is GIG. Stop blaming everyone and everything else. Your perspective is in the way of you growing.

 

He's trying to justify himself by creating a false sense of hope to others with this "GIGS" crap...

 

If you'll settle for little now, you'll settle for little later until you truly love and respect yourself.

[CaliGuy]

It tears me up inside to admit it, but in my exW's case the probably IS greener. That is the hardest thing I've ever had to swallow in my life since we have a kid, and now she has one on the way with him. I'll never, ever get another chance to fix all the mistakes I made with her, and I'll never be able to be the parent I want to be. Most excruciating "learning experience" of my life.

 

So don't make the same mistakes you made with her with the new person. Work on yourself, be a better person, love who you are and learn to just be good, loveable person.

 

Once you do that the right one will come along and you'll look back at the ex as a learning experience.

 

To me, that is what all my exes are. Whether I broke it off or they did, we ALL learned something and became better people....

[betterdeal]

The GIGS stuff looks like the bargaining phase of grieving / shock.

 

http://www.recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html

[gibson]

Sigh...

 

If a dumpee doesn't have any concept of boundaries, self-esteem, self-worth, self-respect and looks to a relationship or their partner as their everything... Their survival instincts are what is in control and they will do whatever their "unhealthy" mind / heart / voice tells them to do... they do not "hear" or "listen" to us.

 

Considering most of the dumpees you see here fall into the above category... It's kind of pointless to attack anyone for giving advice. How many people do you see on here who actually do what they are advised to do (good or bad)?

 

Nowhere has anyone told a dumpee they should NOT HEAL, NOT MOVE ON OR WAIT AROUND for an Ex. Even if we did, it's still 100% on the the dumpee to do what's right for them. Any idiot knows that if you have been dumped to heal and move on.

 

If you believe in GIGS or you don't, you still were dumped. You still have come to terms with that and accept it, you have to choose to heal and choose to move on. There is no getting around that!

 

For the sake of "protecting" a dumpee from themselves and bold face lying to them to by saying all breaks ups are final, your Ex never loved you and reconciliations never happen like the people on the last several pages of this thread have said... is just flat out wrong and does more damage to the dumpee than being honest.

 

I had to accept my break up and the fact that my Ex may or may not come back. I had to work through my thoughts, feelings and emotions on both. Which is why I healed and moved on from my break up. I was prepared and able think clearly and do what was best for me when my Ex was back 2 years later wanting a second chance. Even if she didn't do this, it still was a healthy, natural and normal thing to work through in my own way and in my own time.

 

If you want to bury your head in the sand and pretend that Exes never come back and all break ups are final because for you this means everyday yours doesn't choose to come back, your Ex is rejecting you and your relationship all over again, that's fine. My advice to this "group" is to leave your head in the sand and stay off LS. Not everyone on here is going to lie to themselves or the other posters. Go start a "All break ups are final, your ex never loved you and reconciliations never happen" forum and stay off of here.

Edited December 30, 2011 by gibson