So Here It Is...

[betterdeal]

Yes, I understand the love bit. What doesn't make sense is the

 

You: I want to meet you

Her: Okay

You: I don't want to meet you

 

Here's my opinion (and just like arseholes, everyone has one). You're bored, and lonely. That's why you contacted her. You choose to email her because you are afraid of actual contact with her, because of the trauma you suffered last time you were engaged with her. When she said, "okay, let's meet" your subconscious survival instinct told you to get away, and so you said no. Big up for listening to your gut instinct.

 

Now you are trying to rationalise this, because you have time on your hands and you need to fill it, and your hobby / habit these days is rationalising relationships. (Trust me, I am aware of the irony of me pointing this out to someone on a forum where I have spent far too much time myself!)

 

Again, I stress this is just an opinion; just my perspective. And I by no means think what you've done recently is a bad thing: it's part of your journey, your life, your adventure in this world. But I do encourage you to take a wee step back, don't be so intense and give yourself a break every once in a while. I fully understand the urge to have all the answers, to break the mould, but I also realise I don't have all the answers, and that's okay, and sometimes the mould is what holds us together, and that's okay too.

 

If you can make sense of the hot and cold nature of your recent exchange with her, good for you. I think you and her have mental states that probably cause more harm than good to one another, but that is just an opinion, and even if you agree with it, you can easily decide that the best course of action for you is to continue to engage with her. You can't make an omelette without breaking a few eggs.

 

You're a good guy. Intelligent, thoughtful, sensitive, funny and kind. I just wish you'd give yourself more of a break sometimes.

[wilsonx]

What you dont understand is this. I have the answers, I am honest and true to myself and that's all that matters.

 

There's a deep rooted reason why I declined her offer that you do not see and that only January and homebrew saw. For me to give her the answer key and tell her the answer, what will she learn, nothing from this experience.

 

Betterdeal, I do not listen to your advice, its your opinion and it has no effect on my life. You are a runner. You run from problems. At the very beginning of my breakup, I was a runner, I ran from my problems, but then I faced them and then I faced them some more and then I faced them some more. I do not agree with what you say on these forums

 

The difference between you and me is I am a fighter. I will fight for what I believe in until the day I die. You believe that one should change one's number, delete email addresses, etc etc to get away from conflict. I almost did this, but if I did, I would not be true to myself. This is who I am, this is my character.

 

What if I told you that I believed my ex has the potential to be one of the greatest people on the planet! Who are you to judge my belief. You are nobody.

 

Stay out of my thread - Go give your "idiotic"(disguised by big words) opinions to the dating forum.

[wilsonx]

This is homebrew's response btw:

-------------------------------------------------------------------

 

I was going to bed and needed some humor and read the entire thread about you contacting your Ex.

 

Surprised you were slammed and criticized... Hahahahaha!

 

I like your analogy about trading value. Good way of putting it, I'm also glad that the one guy admitted what he would have done.

 

You were true to yourself and in doing so you created curiosity and interest within her. Not the main driving force or goal of your interaction. Just a by product.

 

They misinterpret your Ex's response also. She is talking to herself, explaining, rationalizing a meeting with you and contradicts herself.

 

You probably saw this too but didn't want to have to explain it to the people on LS...

 

If I truly didn't want a friendship and didn't want anything (do not have any expectations)... I have nothing for people like that and wouldn't even meet with them.

 

Would I be mean or cruel, no. I would simply say something like Thank you, I forgive you but I am happy with the way things are. Best of luck.

 

Basically... no harm, no foul but no thanks. I would be nice, want them to have closure bit indifferent and wouldn't meet.

 

She gave you 2 options and a 3rd one later in the month. I also don't have to explain to people I am their friend or not. Or if I want to be. Do you? I don't have to justify to my friends or family the times that work for me with a vague explanation on how busy I am.

 

I also don't have to tell someone to not have expectations if I have none and I'm indifferent.

 

In the end, she still agrees to meet and even says it could do some good (an expectation).

 

I don't think she wants you back.... Yet. But she was talking to herself more than she was to you in her response. She added all the other bs to convince herself and try and convince you that she is good, not to mention change the dynamics where she feels she is coming from a position of power.

 

It wasn't cold as people said... It screams of uncertainty, confusion, hope (it was going to be a good outcome according to her), etc.

 

Forgetting her actions the last several months... This girl wants more than anything to talk to you but can't do it in a natural and normal way because she has feelings still.

 

People lie to themselves... Your Ex is a perfect example. Look at what she has to do and say to cover it up. Instead of just saying...

 

I do not like the way things ended either. I also want to bury the hatchet and end on good terms. I'm free x day and x day. If those don't work for you, let me what's good for you next week.

 

When you are honest and true to yourself... You don't have to play those silly little games. You just are who / what you are in everything you say or do, even with exes.

[Sugarkane]

Wilson I'm also surprised you did this. I'm always skeptical if second chances now. Like am ex of mine who nagged and begged me back. Planned to meet up for coffee. So what happens? He stands me up and tells me I'm the the nutjob. Then tells me to f off. I never want anything to do with this jerk ever again. So much for reconciliation.

[wilsonx]

Good point sugarkane, my actions right now are preventing that type of behavior from occurring.

[leoc1973]

you know Homebrew is right. It almost sounded like your ex has read some kind of take the power book or something. She had no reason to word any of it that way. It almost sounded like she was trying to pretend to "do you a favor" by agreeing to meet you almost as if she wanted to pretend it was almost going to be an inconvenience to her but eh why not it might do some good. Maybe some kind of push/pull thing where she is trying to play a ninja jedi mind trick on you. Yet she is the one who if I remember correctly created fake profiles and all of that.

 

I also think you took the other poster wrong I think he was more trying to be supportive of you by telling you not to be so hard on yourself not bash you so much.

 

And by the way thanks for the advice! I am starting to get to a very good place. What my ex told me a month ago helped. When I tried to reconnect with her she told me no I love my life right now. I know for a fact that she has read one of the books on how to make a guy swoon over you or something like that and she does do the push/pull thing. I know that she is doing it to me but holy **** it works. So finally I thought to myself well I love her completely and purely. She loves her life... So I am really happy for her I do care enough about her to be happy for her with or without me. I am training myself to think about her and instead of feeling the loss to smile and think man I had a great girl at one point and I am better for knowing her.

[smokey bear]

Wilson i wish i had replied to this when i first read it but had too much to say and too little time.

 

Gigs does last years, approx 1 year and 3 months for me but i came back to my ex after 8 months and continued the rest of my gigs with him. The last 6 months were hell for him.

 

I will right a post one day about what to expect when a ex comes back from gigs but it will be a lengthy post and im waiting for it to happen to someone before i do.

 

Im going to give my 2 cents on this because ive been through it, not as advice, take what you want from it.

[smokey bear]

I did offer to grab lunch one day or a drink too in the email. I needed to find the path for me to cut this string 100% and walk away saying I did everything possible to try and solve this and fix this and be the bigger person of the two. I do not want that knock on my door next year, or the phone call, or the facebook add. I will have moved on and I do not want to regret that when it happens that I did not take this chance.

 

 

Shes not ready to come back, but what your doing is the best thing to do if you want a second chance and im glad your considering one because you have put so much efort into this girl and at the end of her gigs i hope it is you that reaps the benefits of her change and experience.

 

But accept she's not ready yet, this will purely be to build a foundation for the next relationship, with her. Just like you's did at the start

[smokey bear]

"The only day I can meet this week is Tuesday night or Wednesday, otherwise it will have to wait until later in the month. Do not expect anything, I am not interested in being friends and I have a lot on my plate right now. That being said, maybe it'll do good to chat after all this time."

 

 

This is purely fun... I already replied, I am curious how others would

 

 

The only day I can meet this week is Tuesday night or Wednesday, otherwise it will have to wait until later in the month.

 

I would see this is very interested, she offered you not 1, not 2, but 3 options to meet up.

 

Someone who has moved on does not talk to their ex, does not meet their ex. When you are done with someone what do you do....IGNORE THEM, remember that.

 

She seems very interested but tries to cover that with the rest of her chat.

 

 

Do not expect anything, I am not interested in being friends

So why meet you then, again

 

Someone who has moved on does not talk to their ex, does not meet their ex. When you are done with someone what do you do....IGNORE THEM, remember that.

 

So why is she even meeting you then?

 

Something inside her needs laid to rest, or sparked again. Its not done yet wilson and its up to you to see what way it goes.

 

I have a lot on my plate right now

Major warning. Someone happy with their life would say sorry im really busy right now ill catch up in a few weeks, not give you 3 options to meet so i take this phrase at full value, it doesnt mean she's busy, it means she's struggling.

 

quote from dictionary what this phrase means

 

have too much on one's plate . Have a great deal (or too much) to cope with.

 

You dont ever hear anyone happy and fulfiiled saying i have a lot on my plate right now, only stressed under pressure people use that phrase.

 

You know what stage of gigs this indicates to.

 

 

[COLOR=#000000]That being said, maybe it'll do good to chat after all this time.[/COLOR]

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[COLOR=#000000]Who is this going to do good for, Im certain she wont be thinking it will do YOU good, so why is it going to do her good, I think deep down there is some unresolved issues with her, and i think you'll find its a case of "wait i have someone new, a new life, why have i still got issues with him"[/COLOR]

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[COLOR=#000000]Because with gigs comes unconditional love, all through my gigs i never felt love for my ex, but it grew stronger and stronger. They flee processing the breakup, it is not dealt with and begins to resurface at some point.You cant get away from it, This lady still has something for you or ......[/COLOR]

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[COLOR=#000000]Someone who has moved on does not talk to their ex, does not meet their ex. When you are done with someone what do you do....IGNORE THEM, remember that (she would be doing this!)[/COLOR]

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[COLOR=#000000]She is still a long way away from realising her feelings, meeting her will prompt closure for her or re stir those feelings.[/COLOR]

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[COLOR=#000000]I would have responded by saying,[/COLOR]

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[COLOR=#000000]Great ill see you wednesday and left it at that to see if she got back to you to arrange a time etc. [/COLOR]

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[COLOR=#000000]If you want a second chance i think you need this meeting, also every time i broke nc and physically saw my ex it helped me immensly, to see who they have became compared to who you love really does help towards moving on.[/COLOR]

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[COLOR=#000000]Your stuck wilson, i think meeting her will help you move along your path towards recon on moving on.[/COLOR]

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[COLOR=#000000]I think what you need to do though is choose which path you want then work towards it.[/COLOR]

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[smokey bear]

Dont know what happened to the end of that post ive reposted it

 

That being said, maybe it'll do good to chat after all this time

Who is this going to do good for, Im certain she wont be thinking it will do YOU good, so why is it going to do her good, I think deep down there is some unresolved issues with her, and i think you'll find its a case of "wait i have someone new, a new life, why have i still got issues with him"

 

Because with gigs comes unconditional love, all through my gigs i never felt love for my ex, but it grew stronger and stronger. They flee processing the breakup, it is not dealt with and begins to resurface at some point.You cant get away from it, This lady still has something for you or ....

 

Someone who has moved on does not talk to their ex, does not meet their ex. When you are done with someone what do you do....IGNORE THEM, remember that (she would be doing this!)

 

 

She is still a long way away from realising her feelings, meeting her will prompt closure for her or re stir those feelings

 

I would have responded by saying,

 

 

Great ill see you wednesday and left it at that to see if she got back to you to arrange a time etc.

 

 

If you want a second chance i think you need this meeting, also every time i broke nc and physically saw my ex it helped me immensly, to see who they have became compared to who you love really does help towards moving on

 

 

 

Your stuck wilson, i think meeting her will help you move along your path towards recon on moving on.

 

I think what you need to do though is choose which path you want then work towards it

[smokey bear]

Her response is very cold and I would take it as a sign that she is very much disinterested in resuming anything with you.

 

I don't know how I would respond. I guess I would also be very clean and respond showing no emotion, just stating the day I would like to meet.

 

 

I didnt get that impression at all, I got the impression she is interested in something but is still on her GIGS high horse where she thinks she is the best thing since sliced bread.

 

She has showed emotion, just not towards Wilson, she has a lot on her plate, she is under pressure, GIGS suffers do not consider anyone but themselves, if you want to figure out and beat a gigs case you have to fully understand it has nothing to do with you, they will only think of themselves and if you want a recon you have to wait and judge what stage they are at.

 

That response was full of insight of where she is at.

 

Remember its all about them, take yourself and your ego out of the equation and look at her stance.

 

She is under pressure, lot on her plate, i see hints of the stage where everything falls apart.

 

She is not interested in friends, So why does she want to meet up. Because she does not want you out of her life completely, again look at the gigs stage.

 

Judge where she is in GIGS not how she feels or responds to you. You have to look at GIGS from an outsiders point of view as if you are doing research as to what happens next.

 

Sorry to say but your still looking at another few months, she still needs to ditch this other and be single for a while, but i do see it coming.

[smokey bear]

----------------------------------------------------

I need to confront her behavior... normally I would stick to NC and lock it down without a problem but her behavior is out of control and its preventing me from moving on.

 

 

 

BULLSH*T

 

Anyone who is truly looking to move on would not be affected or interested in her behaviour, they would lock down on all forms of her contacting or any leaks of info towards you.

 

Your blaming it on her, her actions when its your own, if you wanted to move on you would have, you've wanted recon all along you just tried to fight your morals and boundaries well guess what.......

 

Unconditonal love

 

Loving someone for who they really are and what they do, you need to take the good with the bad, thats why we let them walk all over our personal boundaries because we love them unconditionally and guess what............

 

The only way that two people can stay together forever is if they are allowed to be who they truly are which involves pushing your personal boundaries.

 

If you are not willing to accept that then you have to find someone with the same personal boundaries as you, which is almost impossible as no people are alike.

 

Also it would probably be boring, there would be no excitement. no friction and a friends bond would take over.

 

Conflict is part of what keeps that spark.

 

Wilson if you wanted to move on you would have, dont use her actions as an excuse.

 

Your problem is that you have went 6 months nc and you still love and care for this lady, Guess what........ You found true love, now suck it up and accept it and start focusing on GIGS, accept what she's done, what she's doing and put that love and effort into building a new better life if she does come back so that when and i think it will be a when not if, she comes back it will be plain sailing and you dont have added stresses of money, etc to deal with.

[smokey bear]

What you dont understand is this. I have the answers, I am honest and true to myself and that's all that matters.

 

There's a deep rooted reason why I declined her offer that you do not see and that only January and homebrew saw. For me to give her the answer key and tell her the answer, what will she learn, nothing from this experience.

 

Betterdeal, I do not listen to your advice, its your opinion and it has no effect on my life. You are a runner. You run from problems. At the very beginning of my breakup, I was a runner, I ran from my problems, but then I faced them and then I faced them some more and then I faced them some more. I do not agree with what you say on these forums

 

The difference between you and me is I am a fighter. I will fight for what I believe in until the day I die. You believe that one should change one's number, delete email addresses, etc etc to get away from conflict. I almost did this, but if I did, I would not be true to myself. This is who I am, this is my character.

 

What if I told you that I believed my ex has the potential to be one of the greatest people on the planet! Who are you to judge my belief. You are nobody.

 

Stay out of my thread - Go give your "idiotic"(disguised by big words) opinions to the dating forum.

 

 

 

Ding Ding Ding DIng, You have got it Wilson, I dont think you need any help with this at all, I am actually very amazed at how much you have a grasp on this concept considering you have never been through it yourself.

 

 

What to do now......

 

Go to that meeting, you need to start building that attraction again, especially the sexual attraction, its what i want you to focus on. Its one of the main reasons i came back was that sexual attraction was built again accompanied by my true feelings resurfacing, remember GIGS sufferers are numb but they do feel again.

[wilsonx]

Alright I set the meeting based on her schedule via email . All she has to do is show up tues night . Who knows I might be your first documented gigs reconciliation story.

 

Btw good job calling me out on my bull****. Even I need to be put into my place sometimes.

[twinkles]

I hope this works out for you.

 

Personally, I'm glad you are following your heart rather than your mind or gut.

 

The heart is full of love, the mind is full of doubt, the gut is full of fear.

 

Go to your meeting with your heart and you will remain true to yourself.

 

Good luck.

[smokey bear]

Ok,

 

Do you have in place a plan for what your going to talk about when you meet her, i have a few suggestions but would like to hear what you've planned first.

 

Yeah your bullsh*t, Your not ready for a meeting, you know that yes? It is going to hurt, it is going to set you back, it is going to throw you into turmoil.

 

 

This meeting will help you move forward though as your at a brick wall.

 

 

I 100% think your doing the correct thing.

 

Oh and putting you in your place, finally got you back for the many times putting me in mine. Helps but..... everytime.

 

 

I really would like your story to turn out the way my gigs did, i would also like my ex's gigs to turn out the same too. I really hope Gigs is a textbook case and can be one of the recon strategies that can work if your patient.

 

Im losing faith in GiGs, losing faith they come back after gigs and how long it lasts. I would like to see one GIGs recon to give me back that faith.

 

Come on Wilson give me a story to add to my GIGS research, in saying that though my ex might be the most recent case.

 

He left his GIGs girl 5 weeks ago. Left his GIGS friends 5 weeks ago. Has now moved onto new GIGS friends and is out sowing his oats. Recently things are getting ontop of him, falling out with family etc.

 

Judging by own experience, that big "hitting rock bottom" should be approaching soon. I just dont see it happening now. I think its past it.

 

I cant believe ive lost the faith......

[smokey bear]

Something i wanted to throw in as well, your girl is still with this guy, i think thats a result of NC.

 

I stayed lc, so i was my ex's safety net.

 

You went NC, the new guy then became her safety and now her safety net.

 

Just something to ponder on.

[wilsonx]

Smiley bear, patience!I've been nc for 6 months. She's been doing things to make me break it.

 

This is my plan. I'm going to tell her I'm not waiting on her anymore. If she doesn't want to hop on I'm letting go. That's my decision. You want to know how I know its the right decision. Because I shed tears when I think about. I'm tired of games. It's all or nothing right now. That's it.

 

That's my final decision and I'm done with the advice offers

[smokey bear]

Its the correct decision, Last time i spoke to my ex, (he breaks contact every 6 days or so.)

 

I replied asking him politely to never contact me again unless it was to recon because now i had to move on.... he replied....................

 

My next txt was, im being serious, please do this for me.

 

so this for me is pretty much what you plan to do.

 

 

Do me a favour but, this meeting will give you a clue at where she is with her gigs.

 

Also an indication as to wether its worth waiting or moving on.

 

Think about everything you say before you reply.

 

I had a meeting like this about a month ago, He spoke a lot, was angry at things that had happened during the break up. He needed to vent to me to get on with the next stage. (I also done this in my gigs about 4-5 months,we met and i ranted about everything i was angry at and why it wouldnt work)

 

 

Anyway our meeting, He spoke for the 90% of the time, 30 mins meet up became 4 hours.75% of that was about the relationship. he brought it up not me and i just let him rattle on and on, using my al tutle advice, reading the tea leaves, active listening, promoting him sharing his feelings.

 

Let her do most of the talking and you will get a lot of answers, and a lot of information on what she wants, watch her body language as well.

 

 

Try and meet her somewhere quiet where she can open up. Or better invite her to yours.

 

I dont think you need any advice on how to handle yourself, just dont ever get angry. If you say sorry only say it once.

 

Try an remember as much info as you can please so we can continue to bust the GIGS investigation lol.

[wilsonx]

So what you are saying is be an emotional tampon while building sexual attraction awesome LOL

[smokey bear]

So what you are saying is be an emotional tampon while building sexual attraction awesome LOL

 

 

Just be sexy! lol

[fucpcg]

Wilson I feel you so much. My ex is a woman damaged by life, but when at the pinnacle of being who she is as a girlfriend/lover, she is as equally at the pinnacle of women on this planet. When she was weak, I was strong for her. When I was weak, she ran and hid, going back to a lifestyle that she used to cope with her ugly divorce, her ugly life, etc. I have tried so many things to get her to just talk to me for the last 9 months, and nothing works. Hurts like hell. However what I know was the one year we had together was far superior to any year I'd had before with another woman, or any year of my life. I fight so hard to find our way back to that. After a bad night last nite (saw her gf's who were nasty to me) I'm feeling more than ever that this is a pipe dream, but what can I do? I'm a man who fights for love. Maybe she is a girl who wont fight for love, but that wont change who I am. What allows me to sleep at night (barely) is that I do, have done everything I could to save that. I love my ex. I fight for what I love. I can go to the grave knowing I remained true to me.

 

Good luck.

[EgoJoe]

Wilson, I think meeting with her is a bad idea.

[wilsonx]

Ahh **** it, it doesnt matter, its confirmed and I understand everything.

 

I understand what numbing the feeling means. I understand how women are settling and comfortable doing it. I understand what smokey bear is saying when she says be sexy. I understand that. I understand why the attraction was lost. Honestly it doesnt matter, I like playing with fire, why not. Eventually you will get a purple flame if you keep lighting enough fires.

Im going to prove it in this thread to smokey bear. Smokey, you got tired of the monotonous sex of your ex. You cheated on him either emotionally and/or physically. There were things that annoyed you about your ex. Your ex was the typical captain Save a Hoe. You lied to yourself and said it was ok and continuously lied to yourself. One day you stopped lying to yourself and stopped the numbing and allowed the feelings to re emerge. This is where the numbing comes in. You numbed all feeling probably with some substance alcohol drugs or another person.

 

I read all these threads and even posts by homebrew and everyone has it wrong. Women want a manly man, they dont want a man that shows them love and tenderness. They want a man that is a man. That can take care of his own. They want a man that does his own thing. They want a man that they can't control. They want a man that will dominate them in the bedroom. They want a man that they can respect that does not bend to boundaries. They want someone to tell them what the **** to do instead of asking if this is ok.

 

I told my ex 930pm Tuesday night be there. She responded saying ok. Its on like Donkey Kong Bitches

[Sugarkane]

As someone who's never broken NC and got dumped with everything unresolved I'm interested in how this works out.