2sunny Posted December 6, 2011 Share Posted December 6, 2011 That conversation sucks on so many levels! A healthy woman would say "you are lovely to take me out to a nice steak dinner" "I would love to treat you to a night out to sushi!" She knows what she wants = she's gonna offer to share what she wants with you. She doesn't use it as a weapon to try to make you feel bad or inadequate - that is just wrong on so many levels. She should offer something to the mix too. If she wants something... She can be honest about it without causing I'll feelings to anyone. Then the choice is yours to simply say yes or no! All this accusatory input is not useful. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted December 6, 2011 Share Posted December 6, 2011 Very few words need to be said to convey a balanced message. That convo you described - neither person is hearing the other - and there is too much yuk underneath what "isn't being said" and what is being stated is designed to be either defensive or attacking. I don't participate that way in a convo. Someone says to me "can you do _____ for me today" I respond with a simple yes or no answer. I also tend to ask others for exactly what I may need from them - and I fully understand that a yes or no answer is completely sufficient. I don't need all that negative baggage about their feelings that include their assigned meaning coming into play. When I tell someone " you look beautiful" - they simply respond with "thank you!" I can't control someone else's feelings - I can speak my truth. The simpler I keep things - the better things go. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wilsonx Posted December 6, 2011 Author Share Posted December 6, 2011 I understand what you are saying but not everybody is the same... its going to happen in 8 hours and 15 minutes and no Im not counting the seconds yet, it will be ok. We will see what happens. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted December 6, 2011 Share Posted December 6, 2011 My best advice is to SAY very little. Listen to what she offers! Answer in yes or no only. Just be a good listener so you can HEAR what she is saying. Try not to have expectations - that trips anyone up! Link to post Share on other sites
Author wilsonx Posted December 6, 2011 Author Share Posted December 6, 2011 Thank you for your advice =) I'll work with it Link to post Share on other sites
twinkles Posted December 6, 2011 Share Posted December 6, 2011 Don't even contemplate what will happen.. all you have is this moment. Don't prepare anything.. the second you see her you will know what to do. Take off your mask of false bravado, tear down that wall and show her who you are. Simple yes or no responses won't work here.. expose yourself. Remember your key word...acceptance. Live it. Good Luck. Link to post Share on other sites
leoc1973 Posted December 6, 2011 Share Posted December 6, 2011 Hey wilson when my ex and I got back together 3 years ago I chased her for a while. She always told me to move on. Throughout the years every time I gave her roses she dried one. She had them all labeled and there were 11 of them. After a few months of NC she agreed to meet me. She told me right out that she didn't know what purpose it will serve other than to reopen old wounds. Anyways when I met her I gave her a rose and told her I just wanted her to have one more to complete the dozen. I was cheerful and I told her I still cared about her. Anyways make a long story short I thought I was setting myself up for more heart break. But 2 days later she called me crying and asked if we could meet. She told me she wanted me back and I had 3 more beautiful years with her. I asked her later what made her change her mind and she said the rose just brought back all her feelings. I know you don't have anything in mind but maybe you can find some kind of trigger with her to "wake her up". Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted December 6, 2011 Share Posted December 6, 2011 One of the greatest things about zero contact is one gets to work one's way through all the thoughts and feelings, churn through the didactic, normative "rules" and declarations from self-declared experts, find the counter-argument to every argument and, finally, let go, leave all that shtick behind, shed the doubt and just be you, without hurting and being hurt. The walls of text, the declarations of truth, the rules, the name-calling, the flame wars, the tea-leaf reading, the accusations and various other verbal diarrhoea, all help to get it out, and then you find the monkeys on your back aren't so hard to shake off any more. It's all good. Be you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
cerridwen Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 I understand what you are saying but not everybody is the same... its going to happen in 8 hours and 15 minutes and no Im not counting the seconds yet, it will be ok. We will see what happens. This is quite exciting, Wilson. I love this path of transcendence you're taking. It's not a common thing to read about on LoveShack. Looking forward to your next update. Link to post Share on other sites
smokey bear Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 We all are!!!!!!!!!!!! I hope he gets laid....... Link to post Share on other sites
Author wilsonx Posted December 7, 2011 Author Share Posted December 7, 2011 WOW.... holy ****.... I was hurting all day from waiting for this, chest pain and all. It was weird. I am glad I did this. She has grown up a lot. She's phase 4 right now. Graduating college, new job, starting to volunteer in January at the SPCA. Body language, very nervous, a lot of guilt in her eyes and her body language. She quit her job 2 months ago and got a new one (Right around the time I got those crazy emails). I am pretty sure it had to do with that guy she cheated on me and left me for. I did not ask. I said nothing about the past. She did not have an agenda for conversation for obvious reasons so I flowed it through her. I kept eye contact and she would look in my eyes lighten up and turn away because of guilt. It took her a bit to warm up but she had maybe 10 minutes of comfort here and there from about 40-50 minutes of hanging out. I gave her a hug from the side as I was next to my car, she did not reciprocate but laid her head against mine for a second or two. I had parked next to her and she sat on her on the other side of her car facing away from me and smoked her 3rd cigarette. She looked and felt extremely guilty and uncomfortable. That was the vibe I got from her. Alright smokey Link to post Share on other sites
Million.to.1 Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 Heavy. I just read through this entire thread earlier today, and also some of your previous stuff for some back story. You are so brave and I really admire your ability to trust yourself and your feelings and do what you think is right for you. How do you feel now? Link to post Share on other sites
Author wilsonx Posted December 7, 2011 Author Share Posted December 7, 2011 I dont know how I feel, I need some time to process it. I know I still care. Im still attracted to her but her guilty conscience was really really tough to sit through I dont have the slightest clue what to do right now Link to post Share on other sites
leoc1973 Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 Wilson I actually just came on here to see what happened not to read or drown my own self pitty with posts or anything I was actually just dying to know what happened with you. LOL funny how we start rooting for someone else more than ourselves. Did she act like she couldn't wait to get out of there or more like she didint' wanna leave? I guess its up to her now to see if in her own heart the "spark" is still there. Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 I dont have the slightest clue what to do right now A Cuban cigar and a fine brandy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wilsonx Posted December 7, 2011 Author Share Posted December 7, 2011 Wilson I actually just came on here to see what happened not to read or drown my own self pitty with posts or anything I was actually just dying to know what happened with you. LOL funny how we start rooting for someone else more than ourselves. Did she act like she couldn't wait to get out of there or more like she didint' wanna leave? I guess its up to her now to see if in her own heart the "spark" is still there. Theres a spark there underneath layers of guilt. We talked for a bit but after 40 minutes or so she was too uncomfortable and we both paid our tabs and went outside where she couldnt look me in the eyes. I waved good bye to her as I drove off. She knows I care still.... The ball is in her court Homebrew suggests she will be back... Im still going to push forward with my life... whatever happens happens But homebrew's phases are spot on to this behavior Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 Some say holding onto guilt can be a way to avoid doing something we're afraid of doing. Link to post Share on other sites
leoc1973 Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 Oh does homebrew think that after a while the love will overpower the guilt? now ya just gotta see if you get the it was nice seeing you email. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wilsonx Posted December 7, 2011 Author Share Posted December 7, 2011 phase 4 email from homebrew ------------------------------ If you have any relationship with her you get friendzoned or date for a little while and get dumped. She thinks she is "normal" now but doesn't know the grass isn't greener yet. She will "use" you as a "stepping stone" for another "good guy" like you because she will think to herself... I wasn't thinking before when I "felt" this way (she still has GIGS but won't know it till honeymoon period is over between the two of you)... I never really had a chance or didn't give myself an opportunity to date a "good guy" and this "new" guy is a "good guy"... Bye, bye wilsonx... Hello new "good guy". What she doesn't know yet... "good guys" are also wolfs in sheep's clothing and even "good guys" still aren't you. She has more learning to do... I strongly encourage you to let her! You let her do that, she will be back begging and pleading. Don't fall for stage 4... She needs to date and get hurt more! Link to post Share on other sites
smokey bear Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 I agree, after i left my gigs guy, i did go on to date others, it only took one other for me. Wilson, whats your gut telling you? Whats the gut saying? Does it think she's moved on? Link to post Share on other sites
Author wilsonx Posted December 7, 2011 Author Share Posted December 7, 2011 Leoc, one of the things I had in my gut a long time ago when this breakup first happened was that I wasn't done with her yet. It was just a gut instinct. I just felt it. I think this is also my character too. My dad had this happen to him 35 years ago. Same exact thing except he was engaged to the girl. He later met my mom and right after they started hanging out, she came crawling back on broken glass. He told me that for about a month she would wait outside his house in her car and be there when he got home from work and beg and plead to him that he was the one for her. Obviously it didnt work out. I know in my gut that I am not done with her. Its just a feeling its there. When I saw her guilt, it did not boost my ego one bit not a single bit, I showed empathy towards her, I understand how she's feeling and its ok. She saw this in me today too and she knows who I am, its for her to decide to take that leap, not me. Look at who I am right now. If she did not teach me the ways, I would not be on this forum sharing this story with you. This isn't closure for me, this is just another path that I may journey down in the future. If/When she comes back, we will talk, I wont shut the door on her She's not a bad person, the person I painted black. And I see the good in her still. This is the person I chose to fall in love with after years of dating and doing stupid things Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 (edited) It's good you went. You would have had a clear signal if she was interested in revisiting seeing you again. Move forward - best way now that you know it's over. You waiting and pining over a woman who cheats on you isn't healthy... You have work to do. Find out why YOU are willing to settle for so little. Edited December 7, 2011 by 2sunny Link to post Share on other sites
Author wilsonx Posted December 7, 2011 Author Share Posted December 7, 2011 Im not pining... Im sharing a story... if you do not like the story please exit this thread... My gut tells me what to do... not other people Link to post Share on other sites
smokey bear Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 Whats your guts advice? Whats your plan now? Link to post Share on other sites
Author wilsonx Posted December 7, 2011 Author Share Posted December 7, 2011 (edited) Im going to let it be, I am flying to San Francisco Thursday and I am just focusing on me and having fun with my friends out there for the weekend. I went no contact for a reason and it was to protect myself and to allow myself to process things clearer. I agree with homebrew, shes not ready, she has so much guilt built up, she is still walled off. That's her problem to solve. When she breaks down that wall, I am sure she will come find me. There's nothing I can do but keep focusing on me, but my gut tells me this story isn't over Edited December 7, 2011 by wilsonx Link to post Share on other sites
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