Cold feet or what?

[unreal]

I'm still new to this forum, but I've been reading alot of your posts and felt compelled to finally join in.

 

I dated a girl for almost 3 years while in high school and early college. She was my first love and everything. I wasn't the best bf in the world at that time, I was young, naive and wanted to party but never did cheat on her. At the time she believe differently although I never did mess around. I just feel like at that time I didn't give as much as she did and I drove her away. My gf was absolutely the sweetest girl in the world and did everything in her power to make me happy. However, because of my immaturity, she broke it off with me. And rightfully so. I was heartbroke and devastated, but I moved on and dated others. But I could never stop thinking of her. Meanwhile, she met an older gentleman not long after our breakup whom she eventually married. Six years went by with no contact and I always missed her and knew that she was the one for me. But at the same time, I knew she was married and I could never have her again or tell her that I was sorry and wanted her back.

 

Eventually, my mother ran into her at a shopping mall outside of town and began talking to her around a year ago. And they had planned on meeting up for dinner sometime because they always got along so well like a mother/daughter relationship. After my mother told me about it, I knew I had to do something if I was ever going to get this guilt out of my mind. So I wrote her an apology letter detailing my sorrow for not treating her the way I should have done. I told her that I knew she was married and that I expected nothing back from her, other than to clear my own guilt for all of these years. So my mother gave the letter to her, and in disbelief she had a bday card to give to my mom for me. Things were looking good. Soon thereafter, she contacted me back and told me that she still loved me and never quit thinking of me all of these years. So she decided to leave her husband and come back to me right away. She told me that things hadn't been right in the marriage anyways, and she never thought she could have me again and didn't want to lose a chance with me again. So she broke the marriage off. We started seeing each other as soon as papers were signed. And I must say, things were different this time, we still had the love yet it got stronger the longer we were together. She immediately started talking of moving in together and marriage along with the idea from the rest of my family. At first, I felt that I didn't want to rush it because I knew she just got out of a marriage recently and wanted to give it some more time before I made my move to commit officially. However, I started making plans to move for a new career out of state and she said that she wanted to go with me. After a year of dating and only a month from planning to move I was ready to ask her to move in together. I felt she was getting impatient for she had been telling me all along that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me and loved me more than anything as a soulmate, yet the last few weeks she seemed distant. So I asked to move in together. Amazingly, she said, "NO, I don't think that is a good idea right now for me. I like being independent and on my own." I was stunned. I asked her about the move and possible career change in the next month or so, and she said she couldn't tell for sure if she would go or not. Then she tells me that she just doesn't miss me like she should whenever I'm not around and that she isn't sure that she feels as strongly about me or us as she used to. She indicates that "We shouldn't have to work so hard to make this happen" So I got upset and left but still wanted to work on things. I call her up and tell her that I don't want it to end for us. She tells me that she needs time to think and will call me in two days. So she calls me two days later and breaks up with me. She says that she needs to get her life together and figure out what she wants in life right now. And that she doesn't think that at this time in her life that she is ready for all of this. She told me that she still loves me and is still in love with me but isn't sure if we are meant to be together or not. She says that she can see it, but can't guarantee that she will come back to me or not. But as soon as she figures out things she will call me to let me know if it is going to be us or not. She says that she thinks there is a "good chance" that we could get back together but can't guarantee anything because "something just doesn't feel right" she says at this moment. Then she tells me that she can't even tell me how long it will take for her to figure this out and that she can't ask me to wait. Yet, she says there is no one else right now and she doesn't want to date, she just needs time for herself and she can't think with me around. So my question is, is this cold feet, signs of someone else or what? I'm confused.

[Becks84]

My guess is she is just as confused as you are, and she will be unable to make you feel any better about anything until she figures herself out. And she may even then end up figuring out something that will hurt you. I think that like she said things werent right in her marriage, and it seems as if you were a rebound. She needs time to figure out if you are more than that to her. Maybe she's just now dealing with the issues at hand -- about her marriage, and maybe personal issues with herself. She moved on so easily after her marriage and its problems that it seems like she almost wasn't even thinking at all. Maybe she finally stopped to think and now cannot handle what has happened. ??

 

GIve her time and space to figure things and herself out. It would be unhealthy for you to be with her right now anyways because she is so confused and unsure of everything. She needs to take care of herself and be happy with herself before she can make someone else happy and be happy with someone else.

 

I hope for your sake she comes around and realizes she wants to be with you -- and sticks with that decision! But if she doesnt, take it as a blessing in disguise...it could have just ended up being a mess with her -- there could be a lot of issues and things w/ her that you are unaware of.

 

Best wishes!!

[Velveteel]

I agree. You need to give her the space she has asked for. She really needs to grieve her marriage, even if she wasn't happy with her husband. It's a major change. And yes, you could be Rebound Guy, but you can't know that yet. If I were you, I would drop all contact. If she contacts you, respond warmly but minimally. Don't tell her you love her. Don't tell her you're waiting for her. She needs to feel your absence, and the great chance that she's losing with you. With luck, she will begin to miss you and want to reconnect.

 

This is a little bigger than "cold feet," I think. Be understanding, but don't put your life on hold, and don't chase her.

[lost_in_chgo]

ok, a few things here....

 

Unreal, be ready for a long ride. This journey of hers could take years. Don't try to rush her.

I've been in a very similar situation for 7-8 months now.

 

Velv and Becks,

Thanks for the insight, keep it coming.

I for one cannot look at these things as blessing, but as a trial.

 

Velv,

you siad: Don't tell her you love her. Don't tell her you're waiting for her. She needs to feel your absence, and the great chance that she's losing with you. With luck, she will begin to miss you and want to reconnect.

 

I told my ex that I'd be here for her if she changed her mind. I even told her I'd wait if she wanted. She said move on. But she was frantic at times to talk to me and I gave her that. Then 4 months no contact, now sporadic contact. I began complete no contact about a month ago and she reached out last week, with a business related call which I let go to voice mail. But I am not responding.

 

where's that fine line to be drawn, I don't want her to feel that she cannot reach out, but being supportive seems to prolong this. It's razor thin line to walk....

 

 

I followed some early advice I received about divorce, which said that I should make it clear to her that I would be open to a future relationship. So I pursued her until she eventally broke contact. Perhaps too much.

 

Most advice is oriented toward women leaving men, though without the added component of a divorce. Certainly that changes the dynamic some regarding no contact?? thoughts?

 

Damn no contact is still hard.

 

 

So, unreal....settle in for the bumpy ride. Try not to push her away. That's a mistake I still regret, though in some ways, all or nothing is better, because the friends thing really sucked. Especially if they refuse to see you at all.

[unreal]

I feel like, if I drop all contact that I will lose her, because she may feel that I don't love her. For some reason or another, she has always questioned that throughout our time together. I have tried to reassure her in this. As she was breaking up with me, I told her many times how much I loved her and she said that she loved me to and that she believed me. I think some of you are right in that it is a fine line here. I don't want to push her away, so it is hard to know exactly what the right thing to do here. I guess it will be a long and bumpy road for me. I told her that I would wait and she tells me that she can't ask me or expect me to wait. And when she calls, she has said I may or may not like what I hear when she figures this out for herself.

 

It is hard to believe that I'm the rebound guy. But I may be? She told my mother that her ex-husband was the rebound guy from me because she didn't think she could have me or keep me. Yet she is the one who left me back then for my immaturity. I've told her that I would do anything to save us. But she has to be able to talk to me, and apparently she can't. Because she never told me anything about any problems until the last 3 weeks. Seems to me that she would want to work on things. She actually seems like she starts making up arguments that never happened between us. I don't know if this is carried over from her previous marriage or what? It is all too confusing, I'm tired of being upset and blaming myself. I feel like I really gave all in this. Sure I'm not perfect and I've messed up on things as much as she has. But nothing that I would consider to be anything more than a trivial disagreement here or there. We hardly ever fought or anything. I would say that we argued far less than the average HAPPY couples who are together.

[Velveteel]

Unreal: The fact that you had a good relationship is all the more evidence that this is about her, and not about you. She was married for six years. Finding a lost love helped her separate from her husband. Now she wants to be alone for a while. It makes sense, although it's brutal for you.

 

If you've told her you love her, then you've already delivered your message. Step away now. If she needs reassurance from you, she knows where to come. But don't break that silence yourself. Don't give her more emotionally than she's giving you right now. The more she has to push you away, the more she'll convince herself that she was right to break things off.

 

Lost_in_chgo: If you initiated no contact to protect yourself, and you reject her when she calls after a month, you are helping yourself and her to heal, and to accept the reality of a break-up. But is that what you want? It sounds like you hope for a reconciliation. Of course, she could be reaching out purely out of curiosity, or out of friendly feeling, but if you want the game of love to start up again, I would advise that you make a counter-move. An equally neutral email back, maybe? Not cold, but not falling all over yourself, either. What do you think?

[unreal]

Originally posted by Velveteel

Unreal: The fact that you had a good relationship is all the more evidence that this is about her, and not about you. She was married for six years. Finding a lost love helped her separate from her husband. Now she wants to be alone for a while. It makes sense, although it's brutal for you.

 

If you've told her you love her, then you've already delivered your message. Step away now. If she needs reassurance from you, she knows where to come. But don't break that silence yourself. Don't give her more emotionally than she's giving you right now. The more she has to push you away, the more she'll convince herself that she was right to break things off.

 

You have a valid point. It sounds as if I was a rebound guy that helped her emotionally while she dealt with her divorce. That really makes me angry to think that because I gave her my heart unconditionally.

 

As far as pushing me away, she is just making things worse I think. Because it is making me doubt everything about our future. I'm not sure right now if I can trust anything anymore to continue the relationship if given the chance. I'm really torn on this issue right now. Because I love her, but at the same time I feel like she really let me down. And I feel like, if it was true love on her part, she wouldn't want to risk losing me by breaking up with me. And she wouldn't want to stop talking to me completely as if I died or something. Maybe I'm not seeing things clearly right now on this issue. If I was, I wouldn't be here would I?

 

Thanks for the advice, it always helps.

[lost_in_chgo]

Originally posted by Velveteel

... although it's brutal for you.

 

Good word for it.

 

 

Lost_in_chgo: If you initiated no contact to protect yourself, and you reject her when she calls after a month, you are helping yourself and her to heal, and to accept the reality of a break-up. But is that what you want? It sounds like you hope for a reconciliation. Of course, she could be reaching out purely out of curiosity, or out of friendly feeling, but if you want the game of love to start up again, I would advise that you make a counter-move. An equally neutral email back, maybe? Not cold, but not falling all over yourself, either. What do you think?

 

I agree, but I'm also being advised not to be too readily available to her so that she can't play push me pull you with me whenever she wants. Quite the balancing act

 

Unreal,

I'm thinking that whenever you have doubt about contacting her you should wait a little bit. Really, pushing her WILL drive her further away. You have to accept and believe that or you'll end up out of contact completely.

[unreal]

At this point we're already out of contact completely. Looks like Day 5 is almost in the books. I've now gone from feeling sorry for myself to anger and bitterness. I'm sorry but this doesn't make any sense to me at all.

[Velveteel]

Unreal: I'm sorry she's staying so far away. But maybe it is better than a push-pull, especially if she really doesn't know how she feels, and could possibly drag you along for another year or two before deciding you're not the love of her life. Let your anger serve you. It's a self-preservation instinct, and its purpose is to get you to protect yourself.

 

No one wants to be "used" by a lover to help her get out of a marriage. But think of this: she had loving, wistful thoughts of you for six years. That's pretty powerful. If that's all you walk away with, it is still a little sweet. You regretted losing each other. But now, in the real world, maybe she doesn't get as much charge from the relationship as she did from the fantasy. You don't want to be with a woman like this! If she doesn't come looking for you within a month or two, begging for that commitment that she's shying away from now, you should really re-build your life without her.

 

On the plus side, a woman who had wistful fantasies of you for six years will probably begin having them again as soon as she's settled into real life with the next guy. If you step away cleanly, you can have the (small) comfort of knowing that you'll probably be the man of her dreams forever.