a selfish request

[xCata]

I'll be honest, it's "selfish" of me to want out, but there it is, I want out.

 

We got married in the Spring last year, though it feels like forever ago, mostly because either we got married or we would have had to break up and I would have had to leave the country. The problem is we get along great, we talk a fair amount and pretty rarely fight, but there are some damning problems.

 

A big one is sex. I was always very active, very interested in women, I've never "slept around" meaning I've never had more than one partner in a say a six month span; I tend to stick with who I'm with because I'm kind of lazy when it comes to confronting difficulties/pain. But she has next to no interest in sex, even less so now that we've been living together over two years. She's stopped exercising and sleeps about 10 hours a day and it's kind of starting to show, causing my libido to dwindle... in short we haven't had sex for about four months now.

 

Another is her wanting children ASAP. I made it clear that I didn't want any children until years further down the road, but she likes to guilt me on the subject.

 

Another is money/lifestlye. I don't really spend money, she does. I work hard, she doesn't. She has been a great "house-wife" in that she cooks dinner often (I taught her how to cook), cleans too much, and buys all sorts of weird things to put on the furniture around our apartment that makes it feel warm.

 

All in all, it's not a bad marriage, she and I are nice people and we get along with each other and our friends and family for the most part... The last six month have just been so much stress for me. I have no private space, it's nearly impossible to invite friends over, I like to go out drinking once or twice a month and she hates that I don't spend all my time with her, assumes I'm cheating on her because there are women that work at my company...?? We don't share any hobbies and she doesn't drink so really all we have is talk. I feel more like we're friends than lovers, or spouses.

 

I just don't feel like there's any chance this will last for fifty years (we're both young) and with her wanting children so much, and me wanting freedom, my own place, my own budget, my own life, separation seems like a wise decision if made early. I've been kind of quiet the past six months, and she really pressured the words out of me last night, I finally admitted I'm very up in the air with where to go from here on. She watches TV dramas all the time and reads magazines and wants that fictitious "happiness" that half the world thinks money and rings make. I want inner peace, good friends, and a life full of love and passion in the things that I like, and someone who can share those desires with me. Her main argument was that I would be betraying her and a liar for being the one to suggest marriage to stay together in the first place, only to leave her now. Which depending on how you look at it is somewhat valid, so it just makes any change harder. She'll work hard to make me look like I planned this all along, used her in my evil scheme, and how pitiful she is.

 

BUT we are married... We took it lightly and now I understand that we should not have. She doesn't want me to leave, but I can't find any reasons to stay other than, fear of upsetting her and her family, and the fact that the whole situation supports my laziness, gives me excuses to not bother exercising, to not work on bettering my inner and my outer, to not explore new beginnings near and far... I feel like I've lost so much freedom in these short two years, but at the same time am kind of wussy and don't want to hurt her feelings.

 

Am I a dick for thinking the way I do?

Does divorce damn me to a life of fire and brimstone?

I don't want to hurt anyone, but I don't want to carry on a mundane marriage for some odd number of years just because TV says it is "sacred" and I made a mistake in my youth. We never even had a ceremony. :confused:

[2.50 a gallon]

Sorry to see that you are in a pickle. However it is a pickle of your own making.

 

What part of marriage did you not understand prior to taking the vows, two become one, means we give up our freedom to share our lives with our spouses. We can no longer be selfish, her feelings should have equal weight as yours

 

From my P.O.V. she is correct, you lied to her when you took your vows and yes they are sacred.

[findingnemo]

Yes, you made a decision to get married and it's dumb that you made it lightly. That being said, you need to make changes NOW. Do not bring kids into the picture for heavens sake!!! At least not unless you have worked out your differences.

 

Tell her to stop being lazy and vapid and get off the damn couch. She should work. What is this nonsense of staying at home? She is not a mother. In this economy????? Stay at home mums work like crazy and don't sit around watching E! News and such nonsense all day. Sleeping 10 hours? Is she depressed? If not, she'll soon be.

 

I don't think you should be thinking of D. You owe her something - she is right that you lied to her and to yourself. Be a man and do what you need to do to change things. Running back to a single life is not really going to help you now. Get her up and moving, living with a purpose. Only then will you be able to tell if you want her or not. In the state you describe, nobody would.

[xCata]

What part of marriage did you not understand prior to taking the vows, two become one, means we give up our freedom to share our lives with our spouses. We can no longer be selfish, her feelings should have equal weight as yours

 

From my P.O.V. she is correct, you lied to her when you took your vows and yes they are sacred.

part of the problem, or a source for my ambivalence, is that we never took any vows; we never had a ceremony. I never promised her anything and she never promised me anything. I'm not of Christian faith (nor is she) so the fact that we went to city hall and filled out a couple sheets of paper is hard for me to consider as an unbreakable promise to devote the rest of my life to her, though I understand that's how many people look at marriage. Another part of the problem is that my mother was divorced twice before she found the man she is with now and she says she's "finally happy" and they both work hard and I've never seen them so much as argue... So I kind of have it in my childhood upbringing that divorce is OK, though again I know many people would disagree with that. We never exchanged any vows though....

 

Yes, you made a decision to get married and it's dumb that you made it lightly. That being said, you need to make changes NOW. Do not bring kids into the picture for heavens sake!!! At least not unless you have worked out your differences.

 

Tell her to stop being lazy and vapid and get off the damn couch. She should work. What is this nonsense of staying at home? She is not a mother. In this economy????? Stay at home mums work like crazy and don't sit around watching E! News and such nonsense all day. Sleeping 10 hours? Is she depressed? If not, she'll soon be.

 

I don't think you should be thinking of D. You owe her something - she is right that you lied to her and to yourself. Be a man and do what you need to do to change things. Running back to a single life is not really going to help you now. Get her up and moving, living with a purpose. Only then will you be able to tell if you want her or not. In the state you describe, nobody would.

She probably has some depression, she doesn't really have any job skills and the part time work at an English school she does is really all she's ever done. She probably wants to work more, but then again complains about her work schedule even now. I've always felt that the harder you work, the more energy you conjure up. When I was lazy in my youth I used to sleep 8-10 hours a day too, now that I work hard I sleep no more than 6 or 7 or my body aches...

 

I don't really have time to type more right now.. I'll be back though, thank you for the replies.