floweredshoes Posted December 3, 2011 Share Posted December 3, 2011 Hi, I'd like to know if people here feel guilty for whatever happened between you, and your partner who happens to be married. I feel like I'm keeping his dirty little secret-- that I am his dirty little secret. I can't bring myself to be angry at him though, just immensely sad about the thing, and the sense of guilt towards his wife. Does anyone out there feel the same? Link to post Share on other sites
hockeyfan09 Posted December 3, 2011 Share Posted December 3, 2011 Yes. I think its perfectly normal to feel guilty that the other person has no knowledge and likely more feeling hurt that the person you got involved with turned out to be "not who you thought they were" in the fact that they can just keep you their dirty little secret and go forward in their relationship as if nothing happened. Its easy for everyone on here to say "just be thankful that you didn't get involved with him/her and had them do this to you years down the road" but it doesn't really help much at this point does it lol Link to post Share on other sites
Severely Unamused Posted December 3, 2011 Share Posted December 3, 2011 I was a "serial" OW when I was younger and much more hotheaded. No, I didn't feel any guilt at the time. This was basically because I was about as egoistic as a person could be. Now that I'm older..."guilt" isn't the right word. I simply see the more egoistic part of myself as something to be avoided when possible. Considering how easy it is to guilt trip the present day me, I think that I would make a terrible OW. But like hf09 said, I would say that it is fairly normal to feel guilty. Presuming that you have a conscience. Link to post Share on other sites
Author floweredshoes Posted December 3, 2011 Author Share Posted December 3, 2011 Man it sure doesn't. Against the advice of the people here, I'm attending that man's wedding tmr (he led me on while he was engaged) and I'm feeling lousy about it, and I guess I'm just looking for people who've got advice/ sympathy about all these things. I'm hoping going for the wedding give me some closure to this episode in my life, and I'm hoping I'll be strong enough to not cry there. Link to post Share on other sites
findingnemo Posted December 3, 2011 Share Posted December 3, 2011 I felt immense guilt during the A and still do years after the A. The truth of the matter is that I was a thief. I was stealing someone's H, stealing affection promised to someone else, stealing his ability to sort out problems in their M because while having me he could simply gloss over them and be happy while his W was probably left wondering if she was making mountains out of molehills. It takes a special person to feel no guilt at all. Unlike you I blamed him for putting me in such a position. But I was wrong. I had willingly walked the plank. Link to post Share on other sites
spice4life Posted December 3, 2011 Share Posted December 3, 2011 (edited) Definitely. It is hard feeling to get past, that is for sure. The toughest part for me was I always felt I was robbing his family of evergy that should be devoted to them. Not a situation I ever want to be in again. Edited to add: my family means everything to me too and I felt I was robbing them as well even though I am single. Edited December 3, 2011 by spice4life Link to post Share on other sites
Author floweredshoes Posted December 3, 2011 Author Share Posted December 3, 2011 It's a bit more complicated for me, I didn't know he was engaged until I found out on facebook, and I cut it off once I knew. He told me that he had plans to tell me later, and that he felt "in control" of the situation. I'm very tired and exhausted and I feel very ill equipped to deal with all these emotions, and I feel very, very cheap and very, very cheated, and I can't seem to displace the sense of guilt--though I didn't know he was in a relationship already. Link to post Share on other sites
lolalou Posted December 3, 2011 Share Posted December 3, 2011 I'm going to get ripped here. But, no, I don't at this point (almost 3 months post d-day). I don't feel guilty at all. I did immediately after d-day when he got choked up after describing telling his kids he wasn't coming home. She has taken back a serial cheater and so she's keeping her family intact and getting what she wants and probably is getting her @ss kissed on a daily basis by him. He cheated on her. Some may argue the morality part of it. And that I had some sort of responsibility to his wife and kids. Nope. If it wasn't me it would've been someone else. There were 4 previous OWs. But i was a willing participant to his lies and manipulation. She is now too. Link to post Share on other sites
flutterbykiss Posted December 3, 2011 Share Posted December 3, 2011 It's a bit more complicated for me, I didn't know he was engaged until I found out on facebook, and I cut it off once I knew. He told me that he had plans to tell me later, and that he felt "in control" of the situation. I'm very tired and exhausted and I feel very ill equipped to deal with all these emotions, and I feel very, very cheap and very, very cheated, and I can't seem to displace the sense of guilt--though I didn't know he was in a relationship already. I'm not sure I understand why you are going to this mans' wedding if you didn't know him well enough to know that he was engaged. As for feeling cheap... if you really didn't know then it's not your fault. It's his fault. It's normal to feel like he treated you like you were something disposable but just remember that he did that because he can't value women properly. You deserved better. You deserve to be valued. To answer your initial question... yes. I feel dreadful for xMMs wife. I'm so ashamed that I made an innocent womans' lot even harder during a dreadful time in her life. I know that if it wasn't me then it would probably have been someone else but I didn't have to be party to what he put her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author floweredshoes Posted December 3, 2011 Author Share Posted December 3, 2011 He invited me, and told me it'd make him happy to have me there, so I agreed. You're right about not knowing him for long, and not knowing him well. Link to post Share on other sites
Severely Unamused Posted December 3, 2011 Share Posted December 3, 2011 He invited me, and told me it'd make him happy to have me there, so I agreed. Do you often go out of your way to please others at your own expense? Link to post Share on other sites
Author floweredshoes Posted December 3, 2011 Author Share Posted December 3, 2011 (edited) I confess, your comment made me cry. It made me realise no, I don't. I usually tell people where to shove it when they give me any ****. That's pretty telling, huh. Edited December 3, 2011 by floweredshoes Link to post Share on other sites
flutterbykiss Posted December 3, 2011 Share Posted December 3, 2011 (edited) He invited me, and told me it'd make him happy to have me there, so I agreed. You're right about not knowing him for long, and not knowing him well. That is one of the most unfair request I have ever heard in my life. It's unfair to you to make you watch that. And it's so unfair to his bride. Can you imagine how it will ruin all the memories of her special day if she ever found out? And this is what would make him happy?! What a jerk. My advice is don't go but it is your choice. Edited December 3, 2011 by flutterbykiss Link to post Share on other sites
RickFox Posted December 3, 2011 Share Posted December 3, 2011 I felt guilty after spending an entire day with my xMW when my wife came home and I saw the sadness in her eyes but I pushed it aside when the next day rolled around. When it hit, really hit, when I truly saw the pain and felt the guilt was not on d day, but when we agreed that we would try to work through this, to see my W struggle with everything and to know my actions didn't just affect me, but had a ripple effect, that's when the guilt set in. As for my xMW feeling any guilt, I think she had a flash of it, but she seems to have gone on quite nicely considering my wife opted not to tell her H and has asked me not to. She hasn't a worry in the world as far as that's concerned and Im not sure she has a conscience anymore either. Link to post Share on other sites
imperfectangel Posted December 3, 2011 Share Posted December 3, 2011 No I don't feel guilty. I didn't put a ring on someones finger and promise to love them forever - he did. The guilt is all on him though I doubt he feels it Link to post Share on other sites
despicableME Posted December 3, 2011 Share Posted December 3, 2011 (edited) Yeah, I do. I think most of it is because I've met OW's husband. This is one of the factors that led me to confess. It's that much harder when you put a face on the "victim"... know what I mean? We would be together at some mutual company functions where employees brought their spouses. At first, I have to admit it was bit of a rush... call it the naughtiness of it, or whatever. But, in time I kept trying to avoid running inot them altogether- I felt suffocated by it all. Its funny because I felt guilty about her husbands situation long before I felt guilty about cheating on my own wife. Maybe its the things we were getting into sexually that made me feel bad for him. I'd look at him and say to myself "You have no idea what she's all about, do you?" I know, pretty sick huh. It was then that I started to feel guilt for the whole F*CKING thing. I wasn't able compartmentalize it any longer. Whatever I was doing before wasn't working any more... it got to be too much. Edited December 3, 2011 by despicableME Link to post Share on other sites
dn121 Posted December 3, 2011 Share Posted December 3, 2011 Guilty? Nope, not one bit. Should I feel guilty? I dunno maybe in some people's eyes I should but I don't. I didn't cheat on anyone or break any vows. I was a single woman who fought a MM's advances for more than a year. He broke me down with lies and promises - I made my stupid decisions based on what I was told. YEA I was stupid and apparently void of any self-respect. But guilty, nope! Never once felt it. Guilt is his trip - HE betrayed his vows and lied to facilitate it. He should be eating a hefty spoonful of guilt every day. For what he did to his wife AND for what he did to me. I gave 100% of myself and was completely honest and pure in my feelings for him - all based on the information I was given. I never lied to him. I'll never feel guilty. Not gonna happen. Link to post Share on other sites
despicableME Posted December 3, 2011 Share Posted December 3, 2011 ^So you feel more stupid and ashamed at YOURSELF for being taken in by his lies and false promises, than guilty. Interesting. He broke me down with lies and promises. This is something I've been meaning to ask. If he's lying to his own wife, what makes you think he wasn't going to lie to you? I'm fascinated by OW/OM who actually believe they aren't being lied to, when the whole relationship is built on just that- LIES! Link to post Share on other sites
FieldFlower Posted December 3, 2011 Share Posted December 3, 2011 Guilty? Nope, not one bit. Should I feel guilty? I dunno maybe in some people's eyes I should but I don't. I didn't cheat on anyone or break any vows. I was a single woman who fought a MM's advances for more than a year. He broke me down with lies and promises - I made my stupid decisions based on what I was told. YEA I was stupid and apparently void of any self-respect. But guilty, nope! Never once felt it. Guilt is his trip - HE betrayed his vows and lied to facilitate it. He should be eating a hefty spoonful of guilt every day. For what he did to his wife AND for what he did to me. I gave 100% of myself and was completely honest and pure in my feelings for him - all based on the information I was given. I never lied to him. I'll never feel guilty. Not gonna happen. I'm not singeling you out, you were the last to post a "not feel guilty" response, so I choose yours to comment on. I don't get this, and that it totally on me. I understand that the MM/MW is the one "committed", and the one that "made vows", but at the same time I just can't understand how there is no guilt when you (general you) knowingly, willfully inserted yourself in someone else's relationship. I was in a EA, and even with that I felt guilty, not because I "betrayed" anyone, but because I was inserting myself into something I had no business being a part of, genuine invitation or not. Real people, that have real feelings, could have been really hurt by my actions, and sure it could have been anyone, but it wasn't anyone, it was ME. Maybe its just way we are all different, I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I'm the type of person who believes that you should be trusted until you prove you can't be, instead of not trusting and expecting trust to be earned. Anyway, I'm just curious as to why someone would not feel guilty, and given that I have had the unlucky experience of having a "sociopath" insert themselves in my life, as a person I considered a good "friend", and only to find out that I was used, betrayed, and that everything they said was a lie, it just makes me incredibly thankful that I do feel guilty about things. It means I have a conscience, and that I'm capable of guilt, and remorse, and most importantly, I'm capable of feeling real love, and happiness. Guilt is a GOOD thing, I've learned the hard way, that those who don't experience it, are the ones that you need to watch, and keep in front of you all the time. I'm not attacking you, guess I"m just trying to find that silver lining inside my broken heart, and that just maybe I'm not so bad after all, typos and grammatical errors too! Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
lolalou Posted December 3, 2011 Share Posted December 3, 2011 I'm one that didn't feel guilt during our now after d-day (I did momentarily) No judgement here either. But to those who felt guilty... Did the moment you first felt the guilt you stop the relationship immediately? Or did you push aside the guilt and continue inserting yourself into someone's marriage? If so, how is that really anything different than those who had no guilt? No guilt during because I wasn't married to her and he had done this before. So maybe it was because I wasn't the initial A that lured him away from his spouse. Now, there's no guilt because she was given her first piece of honesty from the man shes been married to for 15 years. Thar he's a liar and cheat. He's never been faithful to her. She has that info now and has taken him back. She could have been duped the rest of her life and never knew who she was married to. So no guilt because it didn't affect her enough to dump the man. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted December 3, 2011 Share Posted December 3, 2011 I'm one that didn't feel guilt during our now after d-day (I did momentarily) No judgement here either. But to those who felt guilty... Did the moment you first felt the guilt you stop the relationship immediately? Or did you push aside the guilt and continue inserting yourself into someone's marriage? If so, how is that really anything different than those who had no guilt? No guilt during because I wasn't married to her and he had done this before. So maybe it was because I wasn't the initial A that lured him away from his spouse. Now, there's no guilt because she was given her first piece of honesty from the man shes been married to for 15 years. Thar he's a liar and cheat. He's never been faithful to her. She has that info now and has taken him back. She could have been duped the rest of her life and never knew who she was married to. So no guilt because it didn't affect her enough to dump the man. So what you are saying is that if she had harmed herself over the mess...that would have been sufficient enough for you to feel guilt? It has to affect her in a way that you approve of in order for you to feel guilt....amazing. Link to post Share on other sites
lolalou Posted December 3, 2011 Share Posted December 3, 2011 Harm herself? She took the man back. Don't feel any guilt because she made her choice to stay married to him. Link to post Share on other sites
lolalou Posted December 3, 2011 Share Posted December 3, 2011 Had he cheated on me 5 times, broken our vows, risked our children's feelings that would be a different story. They were huge red flags and I gave them some pause but continued. just like those who felt "guilt" and continued. Link to post Share on other sites
lolalou Posted December 3, 2011 Share Posted December 3, 2011 Im done with him and anything related to him. Emotionally and physically worn out and done. Why do i need to consume my emotions and thoughts on feeling guilt for him cheating on is wife? And hurting a woman who took him back? That would keep me invested and I'm moving forawrd and not looking back. Link to post Share on other sites
lolalou Posted December 3, 2011 Share Posted December 3, 2011 Lady, I mentioned in an earlier post that the wife and myself are now both willing participants in his lies and manipulation. We are alike in that sense. I totally agree with you. I doubt she gives two sh-ts about me or my hurt by this same man. I doubt she feels guilt that shes threatened him she would fight to keep kids primarily and move if he ever had a relationship with OW. And he dumped me cold. So I just don't care about her or his feelings, love or their marriage anymore. I need to move forward. I was duped too. He told me I was the love of his life , no her. Then in the end he told me he loved her and not me. I would never take him back because his actions proved he didn't really love me. Just like his multiple affairs proved he didn't love her. If he wants him knowing that than I just don't have guilt. That's all. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts