Feeling guilty?

[despicableME]

But to those who felt guilty... Did the moment you first felt the guilt you stop the relationship immediately?

 

No, I didn't. It took me a couple of months before I started to debate how I was going to confess. OW noticed I'd become detached. I wasn't as attentive to her as I used to be. I would find myself "spacing out" at home also just going over every scenario concerning the impending fallout.

 

I was duped too. He told me I was the love of his life , not her.

 

Again, knowing about his multiple affairs already, how could you honestly claim you were duped. You say it like he owed you an honest relationship, when ALL of his relationships were based on deception- yours included. I don't get it???

[18Years2Late]

I confess, your comment made me cry. It made me realise no, I don't. I usually tell people where to shove it when they give me any ****.

 

That's pretty telling, huh.

 

OMG...why r u going to this a$$clown's wedding?...why r u doing that to yourself?...I'm not sure I could not cry if I saw xMM walking down the street alone much less while he looks happy at another woman and marries her...I feel bad for you...not sure what that will accomplish for you...to me I think it will put u back at square -1...

[StrongerThanB4]

seems most ow who didn't win the prize of the cheating mm feel the same way. no feelings of guilt or shame or remorse, yet many want sympathy and compassion when they are dumped. you seem very angry she took him back, but you have no idea how she may be wrestling with her decision. we hear so many stories of how the mm stays 'for the kids' and how accepted that excuse is by the ow, but heavens forbid the wife accept him back - possibly for the 'kids', and she is crucified. very hypocritical. is he only a jerk cause he chose his wife? did you personally speak to her and hear her threaten to move away or was this just words out of the MM's mouth -- the same man you knew was married and yet voluntarily embarked on an affair with?

 

 

Well said! And does she know he cheated on her 4 other times...or is this yet another think he told you?

[SoMovinOn]

No. I wouldn't do something if it would make me feel guilty.

 

That isn't to say I'd not do something I feel is "wrong", only that, if I choose to do so, I am "OK" with my choice for whatever my reasons are.

[dn121]

^So you feel more stupid and ashamed at YOURSELF for being taken in by his lies and false promises, than guilty. Interesting.

 

Yep, at this point in my 'healing process' that's exactly how I feel.

 

This is something I've been meaning to ask. If he's lying to his own wife, what makes you think he wasn't going to lie to you? I'm fascinated by OW/OM who actually believe they aren't being lied to, when the whole relationship is built on just that- LIES!

Well apparently I was delusional from the get-go. And you must be fascinated by ALL OW/OM because I doubt any of them start out thinking the MM/W was lying to them.

[spice4life]

so you are going to the wedding of a guy you barely know and you know you will be watching him marry, kiss and be close to his wife and because you have feelings for him, it will be a knife in your heart, but you will go because this loser asked you too? maybe it's time to stand up to him and say no? wow. and when he wants to continue the affair, will you say no? have you been intimate with him in any way since finding out about his engagement?

 

 

 

agree

 

 

 

seems most ow who didn't win the prize of the cheating mm feel the same way. no feelings of guilt or shame or remorse, yet many want sympathy and compassion when they are dumped. you seem very angry she took him back, but you have no idea how she may be wrestling with her decision. we hear so many stories of how the mm stays 'for the kids' and how accepted that excuse is by the ow, but heavens forbid the wife accept him back - possibly for the 'kids', and she is crucified. very hypocritical. is he only a jerk cause he chose his wife? did you personally speak to her and hear her threaten to move away or was this just words out of the MM's mouth -- the same man you knew was married and yet voluntarily embarked on an affair with?

 

I can honestly say that I never viewed xMM as a prize to win...not at all. I always felt if he chose to leave that it would have to be for him and only him and because he wanted to. I never viewed his wife as competition either. He never spoke to me about her so why would I view her in that way. The fact that he was married and wanted to stay that way was his choice and I don't fault him for that at all. I only stayed in it as long as I did because it was very hard to get him out of my heart after I fell in love with him. I know that his actions more or less told me that he didn't feel the same way about me as I did him. Once that was clear I began a slow journey to detach myself from him emotionally so I could finally move on.

 

In short, I truly wish him and is wife the best and hope they are happy. I harbor no ill feelings toward her and never will. My situation started a little different though. I fell in love with him when I thought he was a separated man and I admit I stayed for a while after learning the truth, BUT I never tried to pressure him to leave. I accepted the reality until I was finally strong enough to be okay with walking away. To tell you the truth, I have no idea how he feels about any of it or me for that matter. He confused me, quite frankly.

 

But alas, it doesn't matter any way because he was married. I had no business being in it in the first place. I have learned that a person cannot get to truly know you for the "real" person you are while they are committed emotionally to someone else. As a matter of fact, their judgements of you are nothing more than projections of their own feelings of frustration or confusion about their current situation. How can you build a relationship on that? Then add in the sneaking around and accepting crumbs on top of it? It makes not take the person seriously. How can you right? You can't because they are viewing you through a skewed lense because they have a safety net. It's a tough position to be in for sure.

 

Sorry for rambling off track here and excuse the typos too!

[dn121]

I'm not singeling you out, you were the last to post a "not feel guilty" response, so I choose yours to comment on.

 

I don't get this, and that it totally on me. I understand that the MM/MW is the one "committed", and the one that "made vows", but at the same time I just can't understand how there is no guilt when you (general you) knowingly, willfully inserted yourself in someone else's relationship. I was in a EA, and even with that I felt guilty, not because I "betrayed" anyone, but because I was inserting myself into something I had no business being a part of, genuine invitation or not. Real people, that have real feelings, could have been really hurt by my actions, and sure it could have been anyone, but it wasn't anyone, it was ME. Maybe its just way we are all different, I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I'm the type of person who believes that you should be trusted until you prove you can't be, instead of not trusting and expecting trust to be earned.

 

Anyway, I'm just curious as to why someone would not feel guilty, and given that I have had the unlucky experience of having a "sociopath" insert themselves in my life, as a person I considered a good "friend", and only to find out that I was used, betrayed, and that everything they said was a lie, it just makes me incredibly thankful that I do feel guilty about things. It means I have a conscience, and that I'm capable of guilt, and remorse, and most importantly, I'm capable of feeling real love, and happiness. Guilt is a GOOD thing, I've learned the hard way, that those who don't experience it, are the ones that you need to watch, and keep in front of you all the time.

 

I'm not attacking you, guess I"m just trying to find that silver lining inside my broken heart, and that just maybe I'm not so bad after all, typos and grammatical errors too!

 

Good luck!

 

I guess I don't feel that I "inserted" myself into someone else's relationship, as hard as that might be for many to understand. My relationship with MM was a separate relationship, not part of someone else's. I had the same unlucky experience of having a sociopath insert himself into MY life! Do you think that POS has ANY guilt over what he did to ME? I feel remorse over the part I played in making someone else unhappy, but I don't feel guilty. I'm sorry she was hurt, but so was I. And I guarantee no one is feeling any guilt over my pain.

 

I am a good person, and I have no doubt that you are good person as well! But I don't see how feeling guilty or not feeling guilty has any bearing on the goodness of a person. I have felt guilty over lots of things in my life - but I'm sorry, this just isn't one of them.

[StrongerThanB4]

I guess I don't feel that I "inserted" myself into someone else's relationship, as hard as that might be for many to understand. My relationship with MM was a separate relationship, not part of someone else's.Oh right lets forget about the one person he married prior to meeting you right? I had the same unlucky experience of having a sociopath insert himself into MY life!Right because he held a gun to your head and said have an affair with me or else... Do you think that POS has ANY guilt over what he did to ME? Why would he...you were an easy bait! If you were willing to sleep with a married man..why should he feel guilty over that? I feel remorse over the part I played in making someone else unhappy, but I don't feel guilty. Please do explain the difference betweem remorse and guilt. I'm sorry she was hurt, yeah sure you were! but so was I. And I guarantee no one is feeling any guilt over my pain. Nope..not if I was his wife..

I am a good person, and I have no doubt that you are good person as well! But I don't see how feeling guilty or not feeling guilty has any bearing on the goodness of a person. I have felt guilty over lots of things in my life - but I'm sorry, this just isn't one of them.

 

Comments in bold!

[flutterbykiss]

But alas, it doesn't matter any way because he was married. I had no business being in it in the first place. I have learned that a person cannot get to truly know you for the "real" person you are while they are committed emotionally to someone else. As a matter of fact, their judgements of you are nothing more than projections of their own feelings of frustration or confusion about their current situation. How can you build a relationship on that? Then add in the sneaking around and accepting crumbs on top of it? It makes not take the person seriously. How can you right? You can't because they are viewing you through a skewed lense because they have a safety net. It's a tough position to be in for sure.

 

Sorry for rambling off track here and excuse the typos too!

 

I'm so glad you did 'ramble off track'. This is something I've been asking myself and trying to get to the bottom of in another thread. I kind of wish you had posted this thought there because I think it would really add to the discussion but I'm so, so glad I got to read it at all. Can I quote you?

[Fabian Montenegro]

I doubt any of them start out thinking the MM/W was lying to them.

 

There have been a couple of APs here that have remained on the sceptical side. I remember one particular OW from a few years back that was quite the misandrist. She doesn't post here too often anymore.

[spice4life]

I'm so glad you did 'ramble off track'. This is something I've been asking myself and trying to get to the bottom of in another thread. I kind of wish you had posted this thought there because I think it would really add to the discussion but I'm so, so glad I got to read it at all. Can I quote you?

 

Thank you flutterby. Sure, quote away!

[despicableME]

I doubt any of them start out thinking the MM/W was lying to them.

 

Just being in that/this(affair) type of relationship is a lie in itself. So how far-fetched is it to know the lies would continue.

[dn121]

DM I'm not disagreeing with any of your comments. All of your comments have value. I'm just saying I don't feel any guilt. I went into the relationship willingly, yes. Should I have done it, no.

 

Stronger, I understand you were a BS. So I'm sure my lack of guilt hit a nerve. I'm not trying to discount the pain you went through, I'm really not. I've been on both sides of that fence so I get it. I'm sorry your husband did that to you, I am.

 

But this is how I am dealing with MY pain, okay? I'm a human being who made a mistake and am trying the best I can to move on.

[despicableME]

DM I'm not disagreeing with any of your comments. All of your comments have value. I'm just saying I don't feel any guilt. I went into the relationship willingly, yes. Should I have done it, no.

 

Hey, I get that. You feel no guilt... FINE. That's not what my comment was pertaining to. I'm just confused at how you thought he wouldn't lie to you, if he was lying to his wife. I'm dumbfounded by that logic.

[floweredshoes]

so you are going to the wedding of a guy you barely know and you know you will be watching him marry, kiss and be close to his wife and because you have feelings for him, it will be a knife in your heart, but you will go because this loser asked you too? maybe it's time to stand up to him and say no? wow. and when he wants to continue the affair, will you say no? have you been intimate with him in any way since finding out about his engagement?

 

 

 

As I've said, I've broken it off when I found out he was engaged. I guess it's different -- we're Asian, and our weddings aren't exactly like the typical Christian ones where you only invite close friends. We're from different races however, and I think it's customary to invite lots of people to your wedding for his culture.

 

What hurts me most is that after we stopped, we agreed to just be friends-- but he was still flirty, and sent me hugs in texts, and picked me up to bring me out to dinner. But all this kind of just tapered off like he decided he didn't want anything to do with me anymore, and he gets sarcastic with me really easily, and I'm getting tired of it all.

 

This is a sensitive issue, not just because of our age difference, or that we're from different races, but also because of our respective roles in society. I'm not at liberty to say any more, but this is really, really illicit and it will cause a lot of problems for both me and him if people find out about it.

 

Yes, I've gone to his wedding, and now I'm home. It was the first time I met his wife. I think I'm ready to prepare that, from now on, I won't entertain any more thoughts about even just being friends. And it will hurt, thinking that I might not see him again for the rest of my life. But I know that as long as I don't let this go, I'm not going to be able to grow.

[despicableME]

we agreed to just be friends

Not a good idea because if he has some trouble in his marriage down the road, he's going to suck you in once more. You need to totally detach and never come in contact with him again... at least that's what I think.

 

I still don't know how you were able to go to the wedding. A glutton for punishment, I guess.

Edited December 4, 2011 by despicableME

[PhoenixRise]

DM I'm not disagreeing with any of your comments. All of your comments have value. I'm just saying I don't feel any guilt. I went into the relationship willingly, yes. Should I have done it, no.

 

Stronger, I understand you were a BS. So I'm sure my lack of guilt hit a nerve. I'm not trying to discount the pain you went through, I'm really not. I've been on both sides of that fence so I get it. I'm sorry your husband did that to you, I am.

 

But this is how I am dealing with MY pain, okay? I'm a human being who made a mistake and am trying the best I can to move on.

 

DM is Not a BS. He was a MM who cheated on his spouse

[MissBee]

He invited me, and told me it'd make him happy to have me there, so I agreed.

 

You're right about not knowing him for long, and not knowing him well.

 

The fact that you feel the need to make him happy...a man you do not know well, who doesn't care about making you happy and who is a liar says a lot. You should probably think carefully about it...or better yet, imagine if you had a daughter, sister, or friend telling you what you're saying...how would you respond to them?

[MissBee]

To answer the question personally:

 

When I was in an A...I did feel guilty. Sometimes I felt more guilty than others. I remember the first time we had sex, I thought of her and how messed up it was that she had no clue this was happening smh.

 

While I was not the one "committed"....the point is: I am empathetic and I can imagine myself in that position. So I could imagine that I wouldn't want someone to do that to me, I could imagine her begin a regular woman like me who is with a man she loves and has no clue and how bad that must feel, I could imagine many scenarios that made me feel badly for her as well as for my own self in the situation. I do think for some they are fed lies about how horrible this person is, so it is easier to not feel bad....but for me, nothing bad was ever spoken so I had no reason to demonize her...and since I couldn't do that...I could only have empathy which did induce guilt.