Husband's female friend..is she the problem or am I?

[MambyPamby]

Hello everyone! Okay so I am new here, but I could really use an opinion from someone on the outside of my relationship. Just a warning, this is going to be long, but I really, really need help. My husband and I have been married for about a year and a half and not long after we were married I discovered some disturbing texts between him and another woman. I had known that they were friends, but not that they were "best friends." But the way he was talking to her made me feel like they were more than just friends or at least one or both had wanted to be at one time. About a month after we got married he had gone to Texas to visit family and friends for a week. I was with my own family at the time and couldn't go with him. While he was there he always told me who he was going to visit or what he was going to do, except for seeing her. Apparently they had only seen each other one time during that visit. I believe him when he tells me this, but when he got back I still knew nothing about it. So fast forward about a week. He had left his phone with me so I could play games on it and whatever while he was working. (He's in the military so at the time when I saw him we were staying in hotel rooms..not much for me to do.) He got a text and when I opened his inbox I saw the other woman's name. I couldn't help myself; I looked at the messages between them. And then I immediately wished I hadn't. There were multiple messages from him to her telling her how "enchanted" he was with her and how he could always talk to her and she understood him, etc., etc. And then one of the very last messages she had sent to him said, "Why didn't you tell me you were married?" And his response was, "How do you tell the one who enchants you that you're married and having a child with someone else?" At this point I about lost my mind. I was pregnant. And very hurt. When I picked him up from work and we got back to our room I asked him about it and he really didn't have any good reason or excuse for why he would say that. He just kept saying, "She was my best friend." Now I don't want people to think that I am the super jealous type and he's not allowed to have any female friends or anything like that. That's not true. I actually have a guy friend who has been a good friend to me since high school. But as soon as I met my husband he was no longer my best friend. I don't feel that it is the same way between my husband and this other woman. She is the only woman I have ever had a problem with. It makes me physically sick to my stomach to even think about her. So of course we got in a fight about it because I just couldn't understand why he would do that to me and he didn't seem to understand why it hurt me. He has never once said that he is "enchanted" by me. Not that I would want him to now..but that's not the point. Anyways, I told him I didn't want him talking to her anymore and he said that was fine. Even if I hadn't said that he was going to stop talking to her anyways because all their friendship ever was was a "proximity" thing. They only lived a few blocks from each other, she gave him rides to school, whatever. So things were fine. I had my baby and we all were finally able to live together and I was happy. Until one day when my daughter was a few months old... He left his facebook up. He had messaged her like nothing ever even happened. I was extremely angry. I confronted him about it. He said he totally forgot about our agreement, he didn't mean to hurt me, and that it wasn't going to happen again. By that point I had forgiven him and stopped thinking about the whole "enchanted" thing. But when I saw that he had messaged her and he said he wasn't even thinking about it, all those words started ringing in my head again. A few more months go by and things are kind of shaky. I was extremely hormonal and I felt like he was hiding his emotions from me. One day we're sitting in the car and we just started having this really heartfelt conversation. It was amazing. It came up about this other woman and he said that he was hurt that he couldn't talk to her anymore. This hurt my feelings, but I love him so much I couldn't stand to see him hurting, so I told him that I was okay with him talking to her as long as he never used the word "enchanted/ing" ever again. We both cried and after that things have been pretty awesome. So one day last month, maybe before, I see he messaged her on facebook. I checked it out and everything seemed normal. Just a normal conversation between friends. Then he sends her a message telling her to write him. She was off in random parts of the world travelling. She said she didn't have his address so he gives her ours and his p.o. box. I'm kind of like uhh okay, why does he want her to write him? It upset me a little but I'm trying to keep him happy so I don't say anything. Then one day I'm looking something up on his computer and his email is up and there are emails between him and her. There is no usage of the word enchanted, which makes me happy, but he did tell her that if she is going to write him to send it to his p.o. box and if she is going to email/message him, to send it to that email address because they are his private ones and it's "easier to share sentiment without worrying about mincing words or misunderstandings or anything of the sort." And " To be honest, I've been thinking about you a lot recently. I was looking at your Facebook pictures before I left for this place. You feel a whole world away. I really miss your company. I hope I can see you before I deploy. I didn't say anything in my first message because I feel a little bad. Like there shouldn't be so much room in my heart." In another message he said, "Once in a while I'll find myself reflecting on the past, and why things happen the way they do. Usually when I'm in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night, counting shooting stars. I wonder about all those same things, human nature I suppose. I think of you, and it makes me reminiscence, from my accident, to us meeting, through my recovery and into our friendship, all those nights we spent meeting up and watching the stars and the adventures we had." I don't even know what to think about all of this. It seems a little more than friendly. The worst part of all is he ends his emails with "Love always, Foxie." Foxie being a nickname between them. I have told him that I absolutely hate that and yet he continues to do it. I don't know if I should feel disrespected or if I'm just taking this all too seriously. I have told him that the fact that he even talks to her, that he feels the "need" to, hurts me but I don't want to hurt him, hoping that he would get the message that I can't take it anymore. I just don't understand why he feels the need to be so secretive about this "friendship." If that's all it was I wouldn't need to sneak into his email just to see if he's talked to her and what they said. I'm starting to lose my mind. On top of this I have a lot of other family stuff going on and the stress is starting to get to me. He wants me to meet her when we go to visit his family in a couple weeks. Part of me is trying to wait until then to say anything, but seeing her name still makes me sick. Whenever we talk about this or it is even implied he always says, "I love you and I chose you. I need you." I believe him, but I can't seem to get over this friendship. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I'm so scared about him leaving for the other side of the world soon and knowing that while he's laying under the stars he's going to be thinking about her and the "adventures" they had. I'm his wife. Shouldn't he be thinking about me? I'm sorry this is so long. This will probably be my only post ever, but I don't have anyone else to talk to who won't try to get way too involved. Please help

[Afishwithabike]

That's one long wall of text. You need to break that into several paragraphs if you expect people to read that. Not too many people are going to take the time to read one giant paragraph.

[whichwayisup]

KICK HIM OUT NOW. He isn't going to change his ways because he knows how to manipulate you and down play it all.

The only way he will change his ways is .. YOU must react with force. Not saying to divorce him or anything, but he doesn't have to know that! All you have to do is tell him he betrayed your trust, over and over again and you're sick of his selfishness. Tell him to pack a bag and get the F out! Tell him to GO to this woman who 'enchants' him, and live life with her.

 

Then go full on no contact with him. Trust me, he'll shi.t himself once he realizes (aka wakes up out of the affairyland fog he's in) what he has to lose.

 

Your husband is an immature, selfish man who is treating you like crap! Don't put up with it! Don't let him talk his way out of this either.. He KNOWS it hurts you but still does it anyway.. He is lying to you and playing you for a fool.

 

Until he is actually ready to face this, see and understand the pain and mistrust he's caused you, suffers on his own for a while, then maybe just maybe, you can consider giving him a chance to make this right again. Until then, tell him to move out.

[shayla]

His friendship with this woman is not appropriate. He is a married man, and it is time that he is reminded of this.

[SoMovinOn]

It doesn't matter what he thinks this friendship is (and it seems to be much more than friendship), he knows is bothers you. That should be all he needs to know. That should make it important to him. Instead though, he "forgets" your agreement? Forgets the entire conversation you two had about it? Seriously??

 

It doesn't sound like you or your marriage are very high priority for him.

[Eeyore79]

I agree with Shayla - his friendship with this woman is not appropriate for a married man. You've asked him to stop contacting her and not only has he ignored your wishes, he's even set up a private email address so they can communicate in secret.

 

Your husband is having an emotional affair with this woman, and you're right to be concerned. Normally I'd say that you need to give him an ultimatum: Cut contact with her or you'll leave. However it seems that you tried this already, and he made empty promises and then continued to contact her behind your back. This leaves you with just one option: Follow through with the threat of leaving.

 

I'm sorry that I don't have a better solution to offer. Maybe if you leave, he'll come to his senses. Or maybe he'll be glad and will intensify his relationship with this other woman, in which case you're better off without him anyway.

 

If you do decide to stay (though I think you're foolish if you do), you need to confront him and demand immediate access to his private email address so you can see what they're writing. Immediate access so he can't delete incriminating emails! Maybe marriage counseling would help? If the woman has a partner, inform him about the affair. I'd also be tempted to contact the woman herself and tell her to f*** off and leave your husband alone, or you'll shove your fist so far down her throat that she'll sh** fingernails for a month.

[standtall]

Mamby, your husband is completing cheating on you.

[freestyle]

And consider this as one more vote for incredibly inappropriate....

 

I agree with WWIU---it's time to play hardball---Pack his bags, and leave them by the front door--hand him his walking papers. It's high time he had the bucket of ice cold reality dumped over his head. Maybe that will wake him up...

 

He's treating you like a doormat---don't allow it!

 

OP, if you want to understand more about what's happening,and how emotional affairs work--I'd highly recommend picking up a copy of "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass---it may help you increase your understanding , and give you even more insight on how to deal with your current dilemma.

[whichwayisup]

I agree with Shayla - his friendship with this woman is not appropriate for a married man. You've asked him to stop contacting her and not only has he ignored your wishes, he's even set up a private email address so they can communicate in secret.

 

Your husband is having an emotional affair with this woman, and you're right to be concerned. Normally I'd say that you need to give him an ultimatum: Cut contact with her or you'll leave. However it seems that you tried this already, and he made empty promises and then continued to contact her behind your back. This leaves you with just one option: Follow through with the threat of leaving.

 

I'm sorry that I don't have a better solution to offer. Maybe if you leave, he'll come to his senses. Or maybe he'll be glad and will intensify his relationship with this other woman, in which case you're better off without him anyway.

 

Bolded part. I agree. There's no use fighting to save your marriage if your husband isn't going to put in effort. Reality check for him - He moves out and life goes on without him. I'm sure the 'fantasy land' bubble will pop because not only will he lose you and the family unit as one, but he'll have to face HIS family and his inlaws too!

 

If you do decide to stay (though I think you're foolish if you do), you need to confront him and demand immediate access to his private email address so you can see what they're writing. Immediate access so he can't delete incriminating emails! Maybe marriage counseling would help? If the woman has a partner, inform him about the affair. I'd also be tempted to contact the woman herself and tell her to f*** off and leave your husband alone, or you'll shove your fist so far down her throat that she'll sh** fingernails for a month

 

I do agree, find out if this OW is married or has a boyfriend, then tell this guy what's been going on behind his back.

[KathyM]

He's having an emotional affair with this OW. He's in love with this OW. He wants to have his cake and eat it too, and he wants to keep both of you in his life. Time to separate. He can't seem to stay away from this woman or stop obsessing about her. It doesn't work to stay married to someone when they are in love with someone else, even if they still profess love for you. A man can only have one soulmate at a time, and it is obvious that he believes this OW is his soulmate. I'm sorry. You are supposed to be his best friend, not her.

[Lostinlife4now]

His friendship with this woman is not appropriate. He is a married man, and it is time that he is reminded of this.

 

 

So agree with this statement!!!!

 

It sounds like he is in love with her! Jus sayin'

[Breezy Trousers]

His friendship with this woman is not appropriate. He is a married man, and it is time that he is reminded of this.

 

Yep.

 

I used to have a completely different philosophy until I experienced infidelity in my marriage. Now I know there must be clear boundaries in a marriage. No exceptions.

[daturanoir]

The problem is not you or the other woman; the problem is your husband. As others have pointed out he wants to have his cake and eat it too.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Oh c'mon, (heterosexual) males have zero interest in being mere "friends" with women they wouldn't rather be banging (except in settings wherein they're made to interact, like work, neighborhoods, family, grocery stores, etc.).

 

The difference between you having "a guy friend... since high school" and your husband having this female friend, is like night and day.

 

Women can and do separate their romance from their friends, but those male 'friends' are ONLY there because they'd like a shot romantically/sexually, and they see themselves as being in-line.

 

Your male 'friend', from high school, is only there because he would rather be banging you. Since you're the one with the power in that 'friendship', you need not 'worry' about it.

 

Although, in the ensuing negotiations, if there are to be any, you might well have to give up your male 'friend' just in the interest of fairness. Just DO NOT allow yourself to project how you feel about your male "friend" onto how your husband must/could feel about this female friend of his. Your husband is only interested in eventually banging this female 'friend'.

[NervisPervis]

He asked if you would mind if he kept her as an affair partner and you said uou wouldn't. I know you're both throwing around the word "friend", but lover is a little closer to reality.

[The Blue Knight]

Blaming the "other woman" in this case is pretty ridiculous. Why lash out at her? She's not the person in the position of trust in your relationship, but your husband is. I'm not sure because I have some unanswered questions about your husbands behavior. I conclude he's either a player and you just never were aware of this or he has some romantic or unfulfilled romantic notions about this woman which he's still intent on pursuing. I find his "I forgot that I told you earlier I wouldn't contact her" completely implausible. No husband is going to forget that his wife has requested he no longer contact another "specific" woman.

 

Your remedy is simple. Tell him to make a choice. He either has to honor you as his wife first and foremost and hold up honorably your wish for him to stop all exchanges with her. Otherwise if he "needs" to continue with this relationship, you feel the need to move on. He's trying to live in two worlds and that's not appropriate for a married man. I can tell you this. No man uses words like "enchanted" when he's talking to a woman unless he's coming on to her. That's a smooth talk technique. If it was simply platonic conversation, words like that would never come into the conversation.