Staying friends with a girl who turned you down

[unknownsources]

Hey all, a bit of back story, the real question is at the end:

 

So a few weeks back, I asked this cute girl out. I didn't really get any signs from her, but we got along and I was tired of whimping out when I met cute girls. Anywhos, she said she had a boyfriend. We sit next to each other in class and the next time I saw her she didn't seem awkward (actually came right up and chatted with me), so everything was normal (which was a relief). I decided if she doesn't want to go out, that's fine, she's a cool person and we can still chill in class.

Now it's the end of the semester, and we haven't really hung out aside from in class (she's been busy with a full schedule of classes). We won't have any classes together next year, but we'll still be on the same campus. I really want to keep talking to this girl. Not even really because I want to ask her out at a later time, I just really get along with her and haven't found a friend like that in a while.

 

So how do I ask her to hang out without sounding like I'm asking her out again?

 

 

 

Thanks for the help!

[WhiteChocolate]

Well.....asking her to hang out with you 1-on-1 is basically just like asking her out, except MAYBE you won't have to pay.

 

So I would advise you against pursuing communication with her again, and find another girl.

 

If you DO end up hanging out with this girl, you might just get hung up on her and miss opportunities with other girls.

[unknownsources]

Well.....asking her to hang out with you 1-on-1 is basically just like asking her out, except MAYBE you won't have to pay.

 

So I would advise you against pursuing communication with her again, and find another girl.

 

If you DO end up hanging out with this girl, you might just get hung up on her and miss opportunities with other girls.

 

 

Well, I didn't necessarily say 1-on-1. But we also don't have any real mutual friends.

 

I am a bit worried about getting hung up on her, but I don't think it's that big of a deal. I haven't really thought about her like that since she turned me down. I briefly considered throwing all caution/logic to the wind and just asking her out again next week to see if anything's changed, but 1) I don't think it'd work out, 2) I'm fine with being friends.

 

I dunno, is the advice still the same? haha

[Ninjainpajamas]

Yeah...I can see where you are coming from, and I think right now you're just trying to rationalize how you can stay close to her in some way without making it look like you are pursuing her...or maybe you are just so intrigued that you think it is worth it. However I think the problem with this is that this isn't the type of guy you want to be or kind of thing you want to practice. Don't be the creeper or the guy that can't walk away from a woman because she isn't willing to date, because all those guys end up trying to get at her again when she breaks up with her bf. Now yes, she might have a weak moment and you might be able to capitalize on that when she turns to you for some comfort, but for me I pity these type of men very much. I'd much rather be the guy who shakes off rejection, and then moves on to someone who really wants to be with him than carry on and underhanded like continue the purse the person in an indirect way. I also think it's part of growing as a man, If someone rejects you...no matter how much you like the person, keep your head up, have the integrity to walk away and the confidence to know that there is someone else out there just as cool or intriguing...because trust me, there always is, but you prevent yourself from finding that is you're sucked up or obsessed with a person that doesn't want to be with you instead. There's too many guys that follow a woman's trail from a safe distance, I hope you don't choose to be that kind of guy but instead build some more confidence and aptitude with women and be able to get the women you desire.

[unknownsources]

Ninjainpajamas, thanks for the reply. I think I kinda feel like everything you've said has been in my head as well. I'd love to say that I can assuredly declare I won't ever want to go after her again, but there's no way I can guarantee it. So I guess the best thing to do is to let it go.

 

But yeah, sucks. I haven't had many friends for the past few years, let alone girlfriends. Sucks that I finally meet someone cool and I don't have much time to enjoy it.

 

 

Oh well, thanks for the advice.

[TheFinalWord]

Ninjainpajamas, thanks for the reply. I think I kinda feel like everything you've said has been in my head as well. I'd love to say that I can assuredly declare I won't ever want to go after her again, but there's no way I can guarantee it. So I guess the best thing to do is to let it go.

 

But yeah, sucks. I haven't had many friends for the past few years, let alone girlfriends. Sucks that I finally meet someone cool and I don't have much time to enjoy it.

 

 

Oh well, thanks for the advice.

 

I've been there bro. I know it is hard, but you should just back off. First, put yourself in her BF's shoes. Would you want some guy constantly asking her out if she was your GF? Do unto others as you want them to do to you

 

Enough preaching lol She knows your interested. Leave it up to her to let you know if she becomes available. She'll respect you more if you keep your distance. If you look desperate and keep pursing her she will just distance herself further and think you're a creeper. Don't be that guy that doesn't take a hint.

 

I know you want to stay in touch, but right now it's not worth it. Nothing good can come of it. Like the other poster said, by removing yourself you keep your integrity as a man. Sure she can talk to you like it's no big deal b/c: 1) you've boosted her ego; even girls in relationships like to know they still "have it" 2) she has someone else and doesn't have those feelings for you so it doesn't affect her. Don't let her actions dictate anything. You put yourself out there, took it on the chin like a man, now you have to back off. Best of luck brother.

 

PS: of course always be nice to her when you see her, but don't act desperate or flirt.

[unknownsources]

TheFinalWord, thanks for replying. Yeah, I think that's the only way to do it. Oh well.

 

I guess on the upside, probably won't see her again...

[TheFinalWord]

TheFinalWord, thanks for replying. Yeah, I think that's the only way to do it. Oh well.

 

I guess on the upside, probably won't see her again...

 

No problem bro. Here's a vid that might help...

 

 

another:

 

Edited December 5, 2011 by TheFinalWord

[Rabid Ferret]

I've been in your shoes more times than I can count. The first time I stuck around because, despite the fact she said she was not interested in a date, she claimed that she desperately wanted me to be her friend.

 

Thus I was her friend and became so close to her that she told me about her sexual conquests and guys she was dating. I tried to shake it off, and suffered for a whole year trying to passively drop hints that I was interested in her during all her conversations about how she never found a good guy.

 

Then she married a jerk and I was forced to stop talking to her.

 

Met another girl and secretly developed a crush on her, but was too afraid to admit my feelings. Broke down and admitted them, she rejected me, and I tried to stay as her friend. And after a couple of years of misery, cut off contact with her myself when she started dating.

 

Went through this same story with a few more women. And every time it was the same story. If she isn't interested, she's not going to "come around". Women confident enough to reject usually don't have a lack of options.

 

Don't let your ego get trashed by going after a lost cause. No, it's not easy when you never seem to meet anybody. But it's even worse watching somebody you felt like you could have had something with do everything with somebody else. You're compatible with more than one person in the world.

 

And you might not meet them tomorrow. But when you do, don't let it be after you've obsessed so much over somebody it didn't work out with that you can't accept that anyone else could fill the space they occupy in your mind.

 

And even if this person desperately begs you to be their friend, you have to think for yourself. You have to do what makes you happy. And nobody is happy watching somebody they want to be with be with somebody else. Cut the ties and move on. Seriously. You don't deserve to suffer in the friend zone.

[unknownsources]

No problem bro. Here's a vid that might help...

 

 

another:

 

 

 

Thanks for the videos. Even though she reminded me of Jane Lynch she makes some good points. I think I'm just gonna say goodbye at the end of the year and see what happens. Not worth risking being an idiot like in high school, not worth the trouble, much better to just let it go. If nothing else, it's been good practice in talking with a hot girl

 

 

...

Don't let your ego get trashed by going after a lost cause. No, it's not easy when you never seem to meet anybody. But it's even worse watching somebody you felt like you could have had something with do everything with somebody else. You're compatible with more than one person in the world.

...

 

 

Thanks for chiming in. I definitely learned about that ^^^ from experience. It's not like she was "the one". But she has been pretty nice to sit next to.

[TheFinalWord]

Thanks for the videos. Even though she reminded me of Jane Lynch she makes some good points. I think I'm just gonna say goodbye at the end of the year and see what happens. Not worth risking being an idiot like in high school, not worth the trouble, much better to just let it go. If nothing else, it's been good practice in talking with a hot girl

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks for chiming in. I definitely learned about that ^^^ from experience. It's not like she was "the one". But she has been pretty nice to sit next to.

 

LOL yeah, kinda cheesy, but some good points.

 

If you can be her friend and accept you will never be anything more then I guess it's okay. But I've never seen it work for anyone I know and it's never worked for me.

 

Good tips Rabid Ferret!

[unknownsources]

LOL yeah, kinda cheesy, but some good points.

 

If you can be her friend and accept you will never be anything more then I guess it's okay. But I've never seen it work for anyone I know and it's never worked for me.

 

Good tips Rabid Ferret!

 

 

Yeah, it's not easy going against animal instincts and tendencies, eh? We'll see what happens, at least I don't feel so bad about it anymore

[somedude81]

Unless you are completely positive that you won't fall for her, don't spend any time with her.

 

I just spent the last two years of my life trying to be friends with a girl that I liked. She rejected me in the beginning and we've been friends ever since. Until the friendship ended badly last month.

 

We could still be friends if I didn't have any feelings for her, but I fell for her a long time ago.

 

She was also my closest and pretty much only friend. Now I have nobody.

[unknownsources]

Unless you are completely positive that you won't fall for her, don't spend any time with her.

 

I just spent the last two years of my life trying to be friends with a girl that I liked. She rejected me in the beginning and we've been friends ever since. Until the friendship ended badly last month.

 

We could still be friends if I didn't have any feelings for her, but I fell for her a long time ago.

 

She was also my closest and pretty much only friend. Now I have nobody.

 

 

That sucks. Thanks for the input.

[goldengirl11]

Have just read this thread and can identify with it myself. I was seeing someone who meant a lot to me, but after not meeting for a few weeks he started seeing someone else and pretty much then kept me on the backburner. Although we haven't met since LAST Xmas, we've been in touch on and off through the year, mainly it would seem when things have either been a bit dull at his end with him usually initiating via e-mail, or I had e-mailed him, often with no reply. I sent him a bcc this Xmas just gone which didn't get a reply from, but tried not to take it too personally as it wasn't directly to him. Then out of nowhere decided to send him a happy new year message in mid Jan, when I did hear from him (my heart was pounding!). He asked what I was up to and when I asked him back all he said was that he was on a fitness plan to get back into shape. But then when I asked if he was teaching again yet and what else he'd been up to, he didn't reply. Sent it 2 days ago but I bet he won't reply to it. You could say woke up feeling very down today, but not expecting anyone to help with this matter! Just trying to keep busy I suppose sorting out my flat. I'm dreading Valentine's day coming up as fear that it will bring back memories from last year when he was still interested and now picture that I'm like a distant memory, compared to his new person (who it would appear he two-timed me with). We used to be old colleagues. I know someone else who is interested in me but tbh find the age gap is too much and at the moment haven't met anyone who matches this 'friend'!

Edited January 21, 2012 by goldengirl11

[Cocollective]

I've been in your situation twice so far.

 

And both times I thought about being friends, but if you think about the logical conclusion to such a thing, it mostly ends in heartbreak for YOU.

 

Say you are friends. Your feelings for her NEVER die if they are fanned, and spending time with her is a sure way of fanning that flame. But because she considers you a friend, she will go out and date someone else. This isn't a Hollywood movie where she suddenly realises you are the one, the wool has been removed from her eyes. No, it ends with her happy and you longing for her and trying to be happy for her at the same time. Why? Because you're a nice guy who hasn't had the necessary break to disengage your feelings for her. It's different if after a period of time apart, you meet again as friends once your infatuation/feelings for her have died. Died, not died down.

 

This is all assuming of course that she isn't really into you that way.

 

But for me unless my feelings for that girl have died completely, I could never be friends with her. I'm not that masochistic and there are so many other people to meet.

 

Rich

youtube.com/cocollective