Psychology used by MMs to prey on women?

[sally12adams]

Do you think serial MMs typically set out to prey on women they think are insecure or longing for a relationship or the likes?

 

I'm starting to wonder (since my EA and my friend's recent brush with MM) whether they use psychology to prey on their preys. Assuming that those that are good with it say and do things they think women like and will fall for so MMs get what they want.

[SoMovinOn]

I don't think it matters if they're MM or SM, some guys are just players... they know what to say, they know how to read women, and they're willing to use whatever it takes to get into her pants. Getting married doesn't change them.

[sally12adams]

It makes me feel that people who engage in affairs are less secure or less confident that they manage to be preyed on. Not judging since I was in an EA before so I feel that about myself.

 

I wish I was impervious.

[Severely Unamused]

Some of the PUA behaviour that I have observed is fascinatingly similar to sociopathic behaviour.

 

Btw, I'm curious about one word that has been thrown around here: "Prey".

 

IMO labelling yourself as "prey" disempowers you. By extension, if the OW is prey than the MM must be a predator. Labelling the MM as a predator empowers him. Afterall, the role of prey is to be hunted by predators.

 

You are not some sickly animal. Nor is your MM a particularly wily beast.

 

Or should I say that if you do wish to build up your confidence and sense of self-worth, you should not view yourself as prey.

Edited December 4, 2011 by Severely Unamused

[sally12adams]

Some of the PUA behaviour that I have observed is fascinatingly similar to sociopathic behaviour.

 

Btw, I'm curious about one particular word that has been thrown around here: "Prey".

 

IMO labelling yourself as "prey" disempowers you. By extension, if the OW is prey than the MM must be a predator. Labelling the MM as a predator empowers him.

 

You are not some sickly animal. Nor is your MM a particularly wily beast.

 

Or should I say that if you do wish to build up your confidence and sense of self-worth, you should not view yourself as prey.

 

I used prey loosely. Guess picked it up from the xMM. He used it jokingly (perhaps otherwise, come to think of it now) about preying on me the next time he got to see me. It never happened though.

 

The word was not used to disempower or empower either party. It perhaps seemed fitting, maybe in my EA and a friend's current situation, because we never thought we would get "involved" but with a little prodding, we kind of did.

[Severely Unamused]

He used it jokingly about preying on me the next time he got to see me.

That's pretty f*cking wierd. I'm getting a Dracula vibe.

 

The word was not used to disempower or empower either party.

It really has to do with some of the inherent connotations behind the word "prey" and the predator-prey relationship. Doesn't really matter though, no doubt that we would end up going way off-topic by further delving into this.

 

Anyway, how are you planning on building up your self-esteem?

Edited December 4, 2011 by Severely Unamused

[sally12adams]

That's pretty f*cking wierd. I'm getting a Dracula vibe.

 

Like he was going to sink teeth into my neck.

 

It really has to do with some of the inherent connotations behind the word "prey" and the predator-prey relationship. Doesn't really matter though, no doubt that we would end up going way off-topic by further delving into this.

 

Anyway, how are you planning on building up your self-esteem?

 

I do not necessarily think I have low self-esteem. I guess I was too lonely waiting for a relationship that I decided an EA would be better than nothing. Not proud of it but was my mindset then.

[Spark1111]

Well, yes, whether consciously or subconsciously, A MM or MW is putting out a huge vibe that says, I'M AVAILABLE.

 

They often do this by becoming friends, gaining trust, and then seeking to garner your sympathy with how maligned, misunderstood, and disabused they are in their marriage.

 

None of this may be intentional. They just may lack good boundaries and good coping skills to even discuss this with someone outside the relationship.

 

But they need an equally vulnerable, or naive, or someone who feels internally non-deserving for reasons of weakness or low self-esteem to send the vibe of YES! I'M AVAILABLE TOO.

 

It takes two; it always has.

 

It is ludicrous to claim "it just happened." It happens ONLY with your participation and maybe you gave yourself permission to participate because a) it felt good, or b) you were lonely and or vulnerable to it.

 

In every triangle relationship there is a victim, a rescuer, and a persecutor. The persecutor is usually the unsuspecting BS. The MM/MW is the victim, and the OM/OW steps into the role of rescuer. Victim and rescuer become interchangeable, until DDAY.

 

Why? For reasons of empowerment, validation, competing to win, or monetary compensation.

[sally12adams]

Well, yes, whether consciously or subconsciously, A MM or MW is putting out a huge vibe that says, I'M AVAILABLE.

 

They often do this by becoming friends, gaining trust, and then seeking to garner your sympathy with how maligned, misunderstood, and disabused they are in their marriage.

 

None of this may be intentional. They just may lack good boundaries and good coping skills to even discuss this with someone outside the relationship.

 

But they need an equally vulnerable, or naive, or someone who feels internally non-deserving for reasons of weakness or low self-esteem to send the vibe of YES! I'M AVAILABLE TOO.

 

It takes two; it always has.

 

It is ludicrous to claim "it just happened." It happens ONLY with your participation and maybe you gave yourself permission to participate because a) it felt good, or b) you were lonely and or vulnerable to it.

 

In every triangle relationship there is a victim, a rescuer, and a persecutor. The persecutor is usually the unsuspecting BS. The MM/MW is the victim, and the OM/OW steps into the role of rescuer. Victim and rescuer become interchangeable, until DDAY.

 

Why? For reasons of empowerment, validation, competing to win, or monetary compensation.

 

I am not sure MMs or MWs are naive or vulnerable or think of themselves as undeserving. If anything, they think themselves as deserving, deserving of having a side dish because they feel it's something they deserve. For being in an unhappy marriage.

[Spark1111]

I am not sure MMs or MWs are naive or vulnerable or think of themselves as undeserving. If anything, they think themselves as deserving, deserving of having a side dish because they feel it's something they deserve. For being in an unhappy marriage.

 

Yes, they do feel entitled.

 

I am referring to those who engage with them.

 

What did you say to yourself to give yourself permission?

 

Why?

[sally12adams]

Yes, they do feel entitled.

 

I am referring to those who engage with them.

 

What did you say to yourself to give yourself permission?

 

Why?

 

For me, I did think (naivete) and was told that his marriage was over. Only not legalized yet. Not a good excuse but it was not so much a permission.

[2sunny]

For me, I did think (naivete) and was told that his marriage was over. Only not legalized yet. Not a good excuse but it was not so much a permission.

 

This why my suggestion is to always wait until evidence of the D being FINAL to begin any attachment or spending time with any man.

[carhill]

I think serial cheaters, both men and women, gravitate towards those potentials who demonstrate weak boundaries in that particular area of interpersonal relationships. I don't see it as 'preying' on them, as that paints the OW/OM as a 'victim' and, IME, few are. They (serial cheaters) are, however, very adept at 'picking' people compatible with their goals. They 'read' people well.

 

As to the 'psychology', IMO it's a combination of rationalization, compartmentalization and learned tools of manipulation. Practice impels success, just like with most anything else.

[flutterbykiss]

I don't think it's just serial cheaters. IMO, all cheaters must, consciously or unconsciously, look for signs that the potential OW/OM is going to accept the offer of being nothing but the 'bit on the side'.

 

Put simply, if you want to sell a lemon then you look for someone who is prepared to buy a lemon.

[Heart On]

Sure,Narcissists and Sociopaths are Lovefrauds,but what does that make thier willing participants?

Codependant, love addicts who easily betrayal bond to thier exploiters.

And really since we have no control of anything but our reaction,it seems to me,taking personal responsibility for our own issues is all that really matters so that we don't wind up "prey" again.

 

 

 

http://soundingcircle.com/newslog2.php/__show_article/_a000195-000673.htm

 

http://loveaddicts.org/kindsofloveaddicts.html

 

http://www.lovefraud.com/Articles_in_Lovefraud_Blog.html

 

http://www.angriesout.com/family1.htm

 

http://www.insideoutlivinginc.org/Traumatic%20Bonding%20Self%20Test.pdf

 

Sure,thier Psychology plays a role in hooking us in,but why do we stay is the real question to be asked and dealt with.

Edited December 4, 2011 by Heart On

[skywriter]

Please don't post links with no description. People shouldn't click on them.

 

Most people who 'cheat' probably just fall willingly into a situation. It's not calculated or planned or the culmination of some plot 'to get her'. Males might lay the foundation but they do this even in legitimate relationships to woo a woman.

 

Some males just never 'turn it off'. They aren't necessarily bad people or sociopaths. Women have brains and the vast majority use their brain to avoid the tactics of these guys.

 

 

This is how I feel. We women do have brains, however we can be guilty of ignoring what our intuitive thoughts are telling us in some circumstances. Then we pay the price for that later.

[SoMovinOn]

I don't think it's just serial cheaters. IMO, all cheaters must, consciously or unconsciously, look for signs that the potential OW/OM is going to accept the offer of being nothing but the 'bit on the side'.

 

Put simply, if you want to sell a lemon then you look for someone who is prepared to buy a lemon.

 

Assuming a cheater sets out with the intention of having an A. I think in many cases, maybe most cases, that isn't true.

[Severely Unamused]

I do not necessarily think I have low self-esteem.

I used "low self-esteem" loosely.

 

But these particular comments made me wonder...

 

Do you think serial MMs typically set out to prey on women they think are insecure or longing for a relationship or the likes?

It makes me feel that people who engage in affairs are less secure or less confident that they manage to be preyed on.

^ How do plan on building up your confidence and sense of self-security?

 

I think it's not easy to make the distinction between just a average cheating mm and a sociopath

Maybe you should hang around more sociopaths than...maybe not.

 

After a while, you can spot most of them quite easily.

Edited December 5, 2011 by Severely Unamused

[despicableME]

I don't really buy into the whole Predator/Prey thing. Sure there are people that use whatever is at their disposal as a means to an end, but as human beings with a conscience, we are aware of right from wrong, good from bad, etc etc. An AP is a willing participant in deception.

[Severely Unamused]

I don't really buy into the whole Predator/Prey thing. Sure there are people that use whatever is at their disposal as a means to an end, but as human beings with a conscience, we are aware of right from wrong, good from bad, etc etc. An AP is a willing participant in deception.

 

I agree 100%. I also agree with Heart On.

 

That's why I find the usage of the word "prey" to be disempowering.

 

Women have brains

 

And men don't, right?

[MissBee]

Do you think serial MMs typically set out to prey on women they think are insecure or longing for a relationship or the likes?

 

I'm starting to wonder (since my EA and my friend's recent brush with MM) whether they use psychology to prey on their preys. Assuming that those that are good with it say and do things they think women like and will fall for so MMs get what they want.

 

I do think some men are strategic about it...while others are not, but nevertheless, their subconscious motivations still will show a certain pattern.

 

A man may choose a woman who is insecure, but in his conscious mind he didn't choose her for that reason, but when it is all stripped away, that was indeed a key ingredient.

 

That's most relationships in our lives. There is what appears to be and then the patterns we can uncover when we x-ray them. I think the problem is that for some people, they give no consideration to the subconscious and believe that only the conscious or the surface level is what exists, so will readily say they aren't doing this and that etc....just because they didn't consciously decide it. I think such an orientation is simplistic....and it behooves one to graduate to a level of being able to see the layers in behavior and motivations.

[sally12adams]

These are all getting to be too complicated for me. All the diving into the deeper.

 

But I guess most are willing parties in many cases. With quite a lot of psychology used, at least from those that I know of.

[spice4life]

With quite a lot of psychology used, at least from those that I know of.

 

So true. And usually, "a lot of psychology used" ends up equaling "A LOT of psycho therapy needed!" If one is contemplting an affair that is all they need to know...lol.

[despicableME]

They fake it quite well but faking it and feeling it are two different things.

 

 

 

In order to "fake it," you have to know what you're faking, right? I understand sociopaths could care less, but they are aware of th right and wrong of it.

[sally12adams]

Come to think of it, my xMM was really one that uses psychology. He always tells me how he knows me well and can read me. Having a degree in psychology helped too. Not that I'm absolving myself of any blame.