What's a better reaction/response to cattiness/bullying?

[PlumPrincess]

I just experienced something again this evening that reminded me that there are things that I do not like about women.

 

I went to the cinema with a couple of people, not superclose friends, but a meetup of people I knew. We were six people, three guys and three girls. I knew all the guys and one girl (we have hardly talked and somehow there is just no mutual interest to get to know each other better). We got the tickets and while the others were waiting to be let in, I went to the restroom. I came back and everybody was already inside. Two guys and one girl were in one row, one guy and one girl in the row behind. I came in an asked them if there was a free seat and immediately the two girls at the same time pointed to the row behind the two rows where nobody from the group was sitting. This is f*cking nasty behavior. And what I found so annoying is that guys are always too stupid to see behind this sh*t. They never assume that women do it on purpose, but hey, women know exactly what this kind of behavior means. They get socialized since they are toddlers about this stuff and they do know better.

 

One guy did suggest that they all move behind so that I would not sit alone, but couldn't really motivate the others and I had already decided to remove myself internally from this group, so I didn't care to ask anybody to sit next to me (the seats next to me were empty).

I had posted this in another thread a while ago, but since I would like to get advice, I started a new thread.

 

How can I learn to control my reaction to this? And what would have been a better response to their cattiness? My instinctive reaction in situations like that has always been, "F*ck you, I don't need you (including the dolts who didn't get what the women were doing)." On the other hand, it's a stupid little game and they managed that I did leave the group. If I leave, it should be my decision and not because someone has successfully bullied me.

[Lostinlife4now]

Hi PlumPrincess!

 

Personally, I wouldn't gives these *******S the time of day or the air space that they take up.

 

YOU should have walked out of the theater and said F....u, I don't need this crap. People or women I should say can be VERY IMMATURE....Get RID OF THESE CREEPS......

 

YOU ARE TOO GODD TO BE TREATED LIKE THAT!!!!

 

Normally, if this would have ever happened to me, which it wouldn't I HAVE A BIG MOUTH....I would have sat right in between them and said MOVE OVER!!!!

[Graceful]

Have to agree that the best way to handle this sort of situation is to pour some sugar on it ... that's right. Don't let them see they have ruffled your feathers at all.

 

I'm not sure of the seating, of course, but if you could have, you should have just casually asked them to move down a seat so you could join them. If that wasn't possible at all, then you should have asked one of the guys (you said you knew all three of them) who was in the row with the other guy and one of the girls to sit with you, by just saying real sweetly, "Will you move back there to sit with me, I don't really want to sit alone" and I am sure he would have moved for you. Done and done.

 

They think they are pulling the rug over your eyes. They are not. Turn the tables and pour sugar on the situation when ever you can and I guarantee you will be proud of yourself, feel good, have a good time, rise above any of the pettiness, and be in control of your emotions. People like this are not worth getting upset about. They're not really even your friends. Don't let them get the best of your emotions. They are very transparent, and you can see right through them.

 

Beat them at their own game, you know? Try it next time.

[Seneca]

How can I learn to control my reaction to this?

 

Understand that there will always be people like these around. You can not change them, but you can learn to tolerate them.

 

Breathe.

 

And what would have been a better response to their cattiness?

 

"The noblest way of taking revenge on others is by refusing to become like them." - Marcus Aurelius

 

Take the noble road.

[PlumPrincess]

Hi PlumPrincess!

 

Personally, I wouldn't gives these *******S the time of day or the air space that they take up.

 

YOU should have walked out of the theater and said F....u, I don't need this crap. People or women I should say can be VERY IMMATURE....Get RID OF THESE CREEPS......

 

YOU ARE TOO GODD TO BE TREATED LIKE THAT!!!!

 

Normally, if this would have ever happened to me, which it wouldn't I HAVE A BIG MOUTH....I would have sat right in between them and said MOVE OVER!!!!

Hehe, thanks.

[PlumPrincess]

Have to agree that the best way to handle this sort of situation is to pour some sugar on it ... that's right. Don't let them see they have ruffled your feathers at all.

 

I'm not sure of the seating, of course, but if you could have, you should have just casually asked them to move down a seat so you could join them. If that wasn't possible at all, then you should have asked one of the guys (you said you knew all three of them) who was in the row with the other guy and one of the girls to sit with you, by just saying real sweetly, "Will you move back there to sit with me, I don't really want to sit alone" and I am sure he would have moved for you. Done and done.

The situation with one of the guy is a bit awkward, because I think he was interested in me and I wasn't in him. The other just doesn't seem to like talking to me too much and the third guy, who I usually get along fine, was sitting next to the girl. He couldn't leave her, otherwise she would have sat alone then.

 

They think they are pulling the rug over your eyes. They are not. Turn the tables and pour sugar on the situation when ever you can and I guarantee you will be proud of yourself, feel good, have a good time, rise above any of the pettiness, and be in control of your emotions. People like this are not worth getting upset about. They're not really even your friends. Don't let them get the best of your emotions. They are very transparent, and you can see right through them.

 

Beat them at their own game, you know? Try it next time.

I really want to get there. I just get too upset though and then it's really hard for me to maintain a friendly attitude with everybody else.

[PlumPrincess]

How can I learn to control my reaction to this?

 

Understand that there will always be people like these around. You can not change them, but you can learn to tolerate them.

 

Breathe.

 

And what would have been a better response to their cattiness?

 

"The noblest way of taking revenge on others is by refusing to become like them." - Marcus Aurelius

 

Take the noble road.

At work, this would be called mobbing and the worst strategy would be to yield one inch when someone tries to bully you.

[Seneca]

At work, this would be called mobbing and the worst strategy would be to yield one inch when someone tries to bully you.

 

Ah yes. When it comes to constant bullying you do have to stand up for yourself. But it can be done without retaliating in anger.

 

Try this, pretend someone is bullying you. Now respond with saying, "What's your problem?"

 

Practice saying it in an angry voice, an irritated voice, in a shy voice. Seriously try it.

 

Now try saying it in a confident and calm manner. Stand in a confident way.

 

You will notice the difference. This is the noble way.

 

Bully's are really weak. So when you come from a place of confidence. They have no power over you.

 

Don't stoop to their level of "cattiness". Take the noble road.

[Eve]

How can I learn to control my reaction to this?

 

Over time I have learned that it is ok to care. Often scenarios such as the one pointed out are caused by people going on as though they don't care/not actually caring. So, I suppose I don't really inhibit myself nowadays, I am ok with saying how I really feel. Often this will help others to be as forthright. Then I know who to stick with as I have no time for fake people.

 

So, I would have said to the girls, 'what, are you two sitting together then? Let's sort the seating out', or something like that and watched their reactions.. but that's me.

 

So, I don't really control my reactions as such, I trust them.

 

If they became bitchy, they would get some back and then I would pretend I had a call on my mobile and go home. From that I would not bother with them again.

 

And what would have been a better response to their cattiness?

 

I suppose you know in yourself whether it was genuine cattiness. To me, they just sounded as though they were probably nervous and trying to save face. So, I would have just called the situation for what it is. I would have been looking at how truthful they sounded as an indicator as to whether to bother with them again.

 

I think it is important to be clear in your response because sometimes it helps others to be open too. This is what I look for in people I spend time with. If they haven't got the ability to be as such, they are not worth bothering with in my mind.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[PlumPrincess]

Ah yes. When it comes to constant bullying you do have to stand up for yourself. But it can be done without retaliating in anger.

 

Try this, pretend someone is bullying you. Now respond with saying, "What's your problem?"

 

Practice saying it in an angry voice, an irritated voice, in a shy voice. Seriously try it.

 

Now try saying it in a confident and calm manner. Stand in a confident way.

 

You will notice the difference. This is the noble way.

 

Bully's are really weak. So when you come from a place of confidence. They have no power over you.

 

Don't stoop to their level of "cattiness". Take the noble road.

I honestly didn't know how to respond. I was genuinely taken aback by their reaction. They didn't even bother to say, "Hey, sorry, but we already asked the people over there to move for us, there's just no other seat available." "Oh, that's too bad..., we're really full." Something like that. But I asked if there was a seat left and both girls immediately with no hesitation pointed to the row behind them. I really did not know what to say...

[PlumPrincess]

How can I learn to control my reaction to this?

 

Over time I have learned that it is ok to care. Often scenarios such as the one pointed out are caused by people going on as though they don't care/not actually caring. So, I suppose I don't really inhibit myself nowadays, I am ok with saying how I really feel. Often this will help others to be as forthright. Then I know who to stick with as I have no time for fake people.

 

So, I would have said to the girls, 'what, are you two sitting together then? Let's sort the seating out', or something like that and watched their reactions.. but that's me.

 

So, I don't really control my reactions as such, I trust them.

 

If they became bitchy, they would get some back and then I would pretend I had a call on my mobile and go home. From that I would not bother with them again.

 

And what would have been a better response to their cattiness?

 

I suppose you know in yourself whether it was genuine cattiness. To me, they just sounded as though they were probably nervous and trying to save face. So, I would have just called the situation for what it is. I would have been looking at how truthful they sounded as an indicator as to whether to bother with them again.

 

I think it is important to be clear in your response because sometimes it helps others to be open too. This is what I look for in people I spend time with. If they haven't got the ability to be as such, they are not worth bothering with in my mind.

 

Take care,

Eve x

I felt hurt... Then I got pissed off. Those two girls got to me that's why my reaction was crappy. I can be pretty cool, but not when it comes so unexpectedly. Add to that the blissful ignorance of the guys.

[betterdeal]

Aw, come on guys, I don't wanna sit on my own - budge up

[Eve]

I felt hurt... Then I got pissed off. Those two girls got to me that's why my reaction was crappy. I can be pretty cool, but not when it comes so unexpectedly. Add to that the blissful ignorance of the guys.

 

Ah, there you are. I have been trying to relocate this thread!

 

Sorry if I did not make this clear in my post but my response to your being upset is that is it ok to care. Stand in this and in the future you will be ok. What you say and how you react will come from an authentic place you see. Ultimately if you are looking for real friendships and real relationships, this is all that matters.

 

Hence, view the process as a way to pick out those who are more than likely not worth bothering with. Practice simply responding back what you see in the first instance. Then listen carefully to responses. I suppose what I am trying to say is that you are in charge, even if you felt a bit vulnerable from their responses. At least you are aware of who they are.

 

Also, maybe reading up on 'the male gaze' could be of benefit to you? It is a feminist filmakers concept which does intrigue me. Basically I reckon those girls have little autonomy and were reacting for the guys. This I find stupid, even dangerous.

 

So, it is ok to care. Being upset could be said to be an outward display of you being a sensitive person who leans towards caring about things. Don't lose this or water yourself down - take charge of it and you will become more attractive.

 

This is what I have taught my daughters. Forgive me for getting maternal on you!

 

Take care,

Eve x

[Seneca]

lol... does that actually work?

 

Sounds pretty silly, but it does. I'm only suggesting what has worked based on my personal experiences...

 

But the main point is the attitude and the manner in which you respond.

 

Responding in anger only fuels the fire. And it could lead to fighting, which is something that I personally would like to avoid.

 

What if they respond "my problem is you, I detest you."

 

"Well that's a shame, because I like you."

[KathyM]

I had posted this in another thread a while ago, but since I would like to get advice, I started a new thread.

 

How can I learn to control my reaction to this? And what would have been a better response to their cattiness? My instinctive reaction in situations like that has always been, "F*ck you, I don't need you (including the dolts who didn't get what the women were doing)." On the other hand, it's a stupid little game and they managed that I did leave the group. If I leave, it should be my decision and not because someone has successfully bullied me.

Women tend to be very competitive with other women, and I think it's best to stick up for yourself and put them in their place when the situation arises, rather than sulk and shun the group as a whole. The men offered to sit with you. You should have, at the time, made a big display by saying to the men when they offered to sit with you, "You guys are such gentlemen. I really don't want to sit here by myself." I'll bet if you had said something like this, the men would have come back there regardless of the objections of the other women.

[Seneca]

I don't think it does work, since a person could be determined to hurt another.

 

Ah yes, is it not the point of bullying to hurt someone? Not always physically but mentally as well.

 

I think as said that the causes of bullying are improperly stated.

 

How are the causes of bullying improperly stated? Could you clarify?

 

And if you make that response, they will continue

 

I saw your ":laugh:". So if a bully responded with "my problem is you, I detest you." and started laughing.

 

Then, I would reply with "Well that's a shame, because I like you." with a sense of sarcastic humor that belies the gravity of the situation.

 

But you are right. There are better responses.

[KR10N]

Okay, so what was the problem? Sitting alone? This doesn't really sound like bullying, more like ignorance. These people don't know common courtesy.

[Seneca]

The purpose of bullying is to hurt others, but I disagree with how society rationalises the causes and management of bullying. Sometimes, a person can be truly intent on hurting another, that comments such as described wouldn't dissuade them.

 

IMO,the causes of bullying are improperly stated by society since it is not solely down to bullies being mentally ill, or lacking confidence. People think, feel, and reason differently, so some just have thoughts of malevolence. it is not a pathology, but a normal variation amongst people.

 

Very insightful, thank you for sharing. I do see your point.

[carhill]

not superclose friends, but a meetup of people I knew.

 

IMO, no issues. Understand them for who they are and meetup with other, more personable people in the future. If they were/are personal friends, my opinion might be different. Hope the movie was good

 

FWIW, I've experienced nearly all forms of bullying, including physical assault and injury and, IMO, this in no way rises to anything close to bullying. Ignorant and uncouth behavior, perhaps.

 

How do I deal with such situations as you describe (I have, many times)? I see the people as irrelevant and decide if why I'm there is sufficient for me to continue. If so, I do. If not, I leave. No comment, no discussion. The other people are irrelevant.

[Eve]

IMO, no issues. Understand them for who they are and meetup with other, more personable people in the future. If they were/are personal friends, my opinion might be different. Hope the movie was good

 

FWIW, I've experienced nearly all forms of bullying, including physical assault and injury and, IMO, this in no way rises to anything close to bullying. Ignorant and uncouth behavior, perhaps.

 

How do I deal with such situations as you describe (I have, many times)? I see the people as irrelevant and decide if why I'm there is sufficient for me to continue. If so, I do. If not, I leave. No comment, no discussion. The other people are irrelevant.

 

I wonder if this is a form of rite of passage? In younger days, I would probably have called what was described as bitching. Now, I would just see it as weakness/lack of character.

 

So, I would go with the line that they would irrelevant too.

 

Then again I would have been there for the film more than the company! LOVE going to the cinema.

 

Tak care,

Eve x

[carhill]

Then again I would have been there for the film more than the company! LOVE going to the cinema.

 

Good cinema FTW. To me, it's like a great concert or live theatre. An individual experience shared with many, circumstantially.

[startrekfan]

I had posted this in another thread a while ago, but since I would like to get advice, I started a new thread.

 

How can I learn to control my reaction to this? And what would have been a better response to their cattiness? My instinctive reaction in situations like that has always been, "F*ck you, I don't need you (including the dolts who didn't get what the women were doing)." On the other hand, it's a stupid little game and they managed that I did leave the group. If I leave, it should be my decision and not because someone has successfully bullied me.

 

when people act like that they're letting you know you're on your own. they're telling you, "we're ****ing useless!" that does sting. but, once that's gone you're no worse off without them. that's logic though, it's harder to feel that way when you end up being by yourself when you don't want to be. best of luck.

[PlumPrincess]

Ah, there you are. I have been trying to relocate this thread!

 

Sorry if I did not make this clear in my post but my response to your being upset is that is it ok to care. Stand in this and in the future you will be ok. What you say and how you react will come from an authentic place you see. Ultimately if you are looking for real friendships and real relationships, this is all that matters.

 

Hence, view the process as a way to pick out those who are more than likely not worth bothering with. Practice simply responding back what you see in the first instance. Then listen carefully to responses. I suppose what I am trying to say is that you are in charge, even if you felt a bit vulnerable from their responses. At least you are aware of who they are.

 

Also, maybe reading up on 'the male gaze' could be of benefit to you? It is a feminist filmakers concept which does intrigue me. Basically I reckon those girls have little autonomy and were reacting for the guys. This I find stupid, even dangerous.

 

So, it is ok to care. Being upset could be said to be an outward display of you being a sensitive person who leans towards caring about things. Don't lose this or water yourself down - take charge of it and you will become more attractive.

 

This is what I have taught my daughters. Forgive me for getting maternal on you!

 

Take care,

Eve x

I'm pretty sure their behavior had something to do with the guys... I will look up the concept of the male gaze.

 

I don't mind your maternal advice, in fact, it's very appreciated.

[PlumPrincess]

IMO, no issues. Understand them for who they are and meetup with other, more personable people in the future. If they were/are personal friends, my opinion might be different. Hope the movie was good

 

FWIW, I've experienced nearly all forms of bullying, including physical assault and injury and, IMO, this in no way rises to anything close to bullying. Ignorant and uncouth behavior, perhaps.

 

How do I deal with such situations as you describe (I have, many times)? I see the people as irrelevant and decide if why I'm there is sufficient for me to continue. If so, I do. If not, I leave. No comment, no discussion. The other people are irrelevant.

I call it bullying, because I sense a deliberate intention behind their behavior. Rudeness is just thoughtless behavior. Their behavior indicated to me that they wanted to exclude me from the group. As I already said, in an office, things like that would be called mobbing and mobbing is clearly a problem. It's the adult version of beating your peers up in the school yard.

 

I think what really irritates me is that the others and especially the guys are always completely oblivious of what is going on. I think my problem is probably getting angry when feeling hurt. And I even let it out on the guy who suggested that they all move... Next time, I will stay calm.

 

And well, maybe they were not superclose friends, but you become friends with people by spending time with them. That was my intention for meeting with them. I actually didn't even want to go out that evening. I go out to have a nice evening and meet new people and get this sh*t...

 

The movie (A dangerous method) was ok at least.

Edited December 11, 2011 by PlumPrincess

[carhill]

A highly appropriate film relevant to the personal dynamics

 

The lesson I learned many years ago was that I couldn't control the behaviors or actions of others, rather only my response to them. Relative strangers were the easiest, so I started there, then worked into more invested dynamics. It was a road to caring less; in my case caring less than the natural setpoint, which was demonstrably unhealthy. The final lesson was caring less about a marital partner. Interesting journey.

 

Thanks for the movie recommendation