New Here, feeling desperate

[letgo]

I've been reading posts here in hopes that I can find some friends and 'unload' my heavy heart. I've been involved in an EMA for almost 8 years only to have reality come thundering in to my so called relationship with MM a couple of months ago. This is a person who I have deep love for as he does me. It's the same old story --- we adore each other, want to be together, one can't live without the other BUT both are married, him with children. For obvious reasons I've never fully trusted the relationship as it is an affair, but have never felt the magnitude of feeling for anyone as I do for him.

 

To make a long story short, my MM moved to another state for a new job recently. He left alone, with everything up in the air including our relationship and his situation at home. His marriage has been rocky at best for years but he continues to stay for his kids. When the affair started, they were relatively young, 8&9. Now they are teenagers who have had to suffer through their parent's unstable relationship and are now suffering through their father leaving them for a new career not knowing what's to come of their family.

 

We are like any other couple involved in an EMA, we have discussed moving out of our current marriages in hopes of starting a life together -- these discussions are always serious at the moment, then reality always rears its head ALWAYS by my initiative.

 

Now I've lost my best friend and lover. He is trying to deal with a new job, figuring out what to do with his marriage and trying to soothe his kids' panick of possibly losing their father. Since he has up and left them alone, they are wondering what's going to happen? Will their parents stay married? Where will they live? Etc., etc. The person I once had daily contact with over IM, phone, and visits is now completely gone. I haven't heard a word from him in over 3 weeks and counting. The last message I got was that he was on his way home because his oldest 'acted out' and he was on his way home to deal with everything.

 

I seriously don't know what to do. He was my best friend more than anything and I am just obsessing over everything. What's happening with him? Are his kids ok? Is he selling his house? God, will I ever talk to him again?

 

Not only am I up in arms with him, but I'm currently going through with a separation/divorce from my husband. I've finally made the decision to accept responsibility for my part in my marriage gone wrong. I cannot continue to deceive my husband this way. There are plenty of other reasons I won't get into, but the relationship is dead.

 

I feel I have lost so many parts of me, my best friend and lover, my husband, my home. I seriously don't know how I can go on normally anymore. I feel so lost.

 

I hope that someone can relate to what I am going through. I know I need to move on with my life, but I feel so desperately sad. Like I am paralyzed with such a heavy heart. This is the first time I've ever posted anything anywhere, so I'm sorry it's so long.

 

Not only am I having to deal with

[Fancy]

I can totally understand the feelings you're going through. Congratulations on getting out of your bad marriage. Now concentrate on getting out of your other bad relationship; the married man. This guy sounds like his mind is moving in 100 different directions. He's uprooted from his wife, kids, and you. This doesn't bode well for your future. You've got your own turmoil to deal with concerning your divorce. His problems are just that--his. Let him deal with them. You need to focus on your own life and getting yourself straightened out.

 

You've lived without him for 3 weeks, so you've proved to yourself this man is not necessary for you to sustain life. The longer you're away from him the clearer you'll be able to see all this. This guy is running away from everyone, including you. Let him go. I know that's much easier said than done, but it's the most realistic, healthy, and intelligent thing you can do. Focus on your own mental and physical health right now and keep as active as you can so you won't be obsessing over this. Force yourself if you must.

 

If you were to end up with him, you'd not only be dealing with an angry ex wife but 2 confused, resentful and hurting teenagers as well. Not to mention a man who's going to be torn in two different directions. Wow, talk about drama! Do you really want all that?

[letgo]

Thank you Fancy so much for your insight. This is exactly what I need to hear. I am trying my best to focus on my situation at hand and not obsess about him and his situation. You're right, it's much easier said than done; I have to keep reminding myself, one day at a time. I don't know how I'm going to deal when he pops up on email/im or calls one day soon. He can't stay away forever.......then again, maybe he could. I wish I could just cleanse my mind of this whole mess.

[Stripey]

Everyones situation is unique, but I cant help but think that if youve agonized over leaving for this longer period of time the guilt would eventually eat you both if you did. It leaves you with no emotional energy to give eachother what you came toghther to get. And eventually it can kill the beautiful thing you had together. Oh, the irony......

Of course, it may not be the case, but its likely, it happens to so many in this situation, including me.

Good luck with your heart. Look after it.

[Fancy]

Letgo, the feelings you're experiencing are normal. Please don't feel like you're some kind of freak or the only person on earth who's ever felt this way. Just read through some of the threads in this forum and you'll find lots of people in similar situations. Although I'm sure you feel like you're twisting in the wind, you are not alone.

 

You've invested 8 years with this man, right? What return have you gotten on that investment? From all you've said, not much. You've said he's your best friend, but is he? Really? Does a best friend make you feel second best? Does a best friend leave you wondering? Worrying? Floundering? No. This man is a coward. Period. He didn't have the guts to face you, his wife, or his kids so he just takes off. Is this out of state job the only job available for him? Of course not. He's running away. He's running away from his responsibilities, from you, from everything.........in the hopes he can run away from himself. He's clearly one confused guy.

 

I'd be willing to bet he will contact you again at some point. Will it be tomorrow.......next week......next month? I don't know. When isn't really important, though. What's important is what you're going to do about it. Will you cave in, tell him how lonely you're feeling, how much you miss him? Will you go right back into the self-imposed trap you've been living in for the past 8 years? Or, will you realize how utterly unhealthy and unnecessary this relationship is for you and not pick up the phone or reply to the email? Where can this possibly go? What kind of future could you possibly have with him? When things get tough again, will he pack up and leave once more? Where's the stability? Can you honestly say you can depend on him and trust him?

 

As I said before, the very best thing you could do for yourself is to let him be and let him work on his own demons--without you. You've got enough on your plate to deal with due to your own divorce and creating a new life for yourself. This guy is a dead end, my friend. I hate to be so blunt but I doubt you'd post this without wanting honest feedback.

[letgo]

Fancy, you are SO right and these are questions that I've posed to myself a million times before........is he my best friend? Of course not --- my best friend would not treat me the way he has. I DO NOT want to be treated as second best, I DO NOT want to be left wondering and in limbo as he's left me, I CAN NOT trust him, and I definitely CAN NOT depend on him for a damn thing.

 

The question is why do I keep returning to this man? Why can't I just walk away and pick up the pieces without completely losing it? He is a coward, but believe you me, he will be calling within the next few weeks as he always does sounding genuinely apologetic, telling me I am a priority in his life, we will be together BLAHBLAHBLAH. He has spewed these lies to me a thousand times over and I am ready to spew right back at him.

 

I can't help but beat myself up over this as I continuously ask for it by being available to him. All I can do is take this one day at a time, focus on my life and restoring my health, mentally and physically. AND THANK YOU for your bluntness; I need a swift kick for sure........

[leilab]

It's funny - I have read so many threads on MM with OW and with other married women (I am married as well and had an affair with a MM). What seems to stick out again and again is that the married woman does leave her husband to be with the other man - but the MM is the one that stays in his marriage.

 

It appears that women and men are completely different. When a woman gives her heart to a man, it is completely and totally. There is no holding back. And once the woman has decided that she true loves the MM, she is willing to take the steps to be with him & accept the consequences that go along with that.

 

Not so for the MM. He loves the OW but continues to be married and does not take the steps to be with her. One could write a story about this.

 

You are another example of a married women that has taken the steps necessary to be with the man you love; only to find out that "love" for you is not the same as for him. He prefers to hide and not deal with the situation at all. Ultimately, the OW is left not knowing what to think or do. A complete upheavel.

 

And where is he?? Sticking his head in the sand and trying to escape reality.

 

My post reads very similar, although my MM did end it with me. But we went from talking all the time, and seeing each other to now NOTHING. Not a word in over 2 months. Do I know what went on in his head? No. Do I even have a clue? No.

 

I know this probably does not help you much but you may not hear from him for a while. If you do. Right now he is distancing himself from everything that is causing him pain, including you. It is not fair, it is not right. And I really don't understand it one bit. But one thing is obvious in all these scenarious - the MM is controlling the situation. Right??????

[Fancy]

The answer to why you can't let go and why you keep falling in the trap again could be many things..............habit, low self esteem, believing "this time" will be different, a fear of commitment yourself, feeling you "deserve" this treatment, etc., etc. Only you know the answer.

 

One thing you must remember though is that whether you feel it or not, you are in control of this thing. You and only you will be the one to pick up the phone. No one has a gun to your head. The control and power is within you. Be strong! Take charge of yourself, your life, your emotions and your actions and put this thing to rest. Again, I know it's easy for me to sit here and say, but it can be done. You're powerless only if you allow yourself to be.

 

You know what your future holds with this guy. You just told us how he says the same kerap over and over and you know the outcome. It's no mystery at all. The question is, do you want to repeat history one more time and suffer the same old heartache? Or do you want to try something different this time? Something that can bring you some healing and resolution?

 

If this were your daughter, your sister, or your best friend, what would you advise? Would you tell her to run back to him or would you tell her to run away? Heed the advice you would give to someone you love and cherish. Then, learn to love and cherish yourself and make a decision to treat yourself with respect and honor.

[letgo]

I can't believe the roller coaster of emotion I am going through. I thought my EMA was a roller coaster, but this is ridiculous. I go from being angry, to immense sadness, to relief, back to anger, then to emptiness again! How can someone who I gave my whole heart to up and crush it in one swoop? How can someone who claims he loves me, adores me, can't live without me just up and leave me after 8 years? WITHOUT A WORD!!! I wish him ill will in one breath, then wish I could hear his voice the next.

 

I am really trying to control myself and am focusing on my life and fixing my situation, but it's so much easier said than done.

 

Lielab - you are the reason I decided to post in the first place. I think I remember your story. How do you deal with the abandonment? It would be one thing if my MM would have cut things off correctly, but it's such another to deal when you have no idea what's going on! It's very unfair.

 

I have obviously accepted the fact that I have no future with this man. After 8 years of hoping and loving, I have finally resolved in my own mind that we are not to be. So, one d-day, 2 marriages, and a lot of heartache later, here I am posting on a website, wondering where he is and what's he doing still. I feel pathetic.

[leilab]

Your story has been on my mind for the last day - I know exactly where you are emotionally. It totally sucks and I know you feel completely lost and abandoned. I have been thinking about what to write you in order to make you feel somewhat better but I have not come up with anything.

 

I have had the same questions in my mind. With no answers. Then I hear our last conversation over, and over again in my head. That he realized he still loves his wife and wants to work things out. I think most men are like that - there are other things more important to them than "love". The kids, the wife (as a mother/caretaker/cook, etc.), the home, the money.

 

And it is totally unfair. And they are cowards for not facing us. But we have made them feel so good about themselves, we have been in love with them and they have been out Mr. wonderful. MM cannot deal with the OW and her negative feelings about him - remember this is a fantasy. We go off and live happily ever after sustained by our everlasting love.

 

After crying everyday for the last 3 months, the times that I have some sanity to myself I put to good use. I read books on this topic & women's topics and am trying to figure out myself. The other thing I realize is that "no contact" is the only way for him to discover what our relationship was all about. I cannot make him need me or want me - and he also has to work out his marriage. And in my case, he has got some MAJOR issues with guilt and fear that paralyze him from taking any action.

 

But somewhere in my heart I still have hope for a happy ending with him; but regardless it is not happening right now. I need to focus on my divorce, my kids and starting over again. If he comes along later I will deal with my emotions (anger/resentment/trust/hurt) but I will be open to other possibilities.

 

I am convinced however that my MM will wrestle with what he did to me for the rest of his life. No doubt.

[letgo]

Leilab~

I feel the exact same things you do! I do appreciate your words; they are comforting, at least to know I am not alone. Last night I ran a mini-marathon and the only word about him that kept me going was COWARD. I can completely understand the situation from his position - I would never expect him to turn his back on his 2 sons. But the least he could have done is pay me the respect of telling me his decision/plans and not let me hang by a thread.

 

Each day this gets easier. I'm glad to hear that you have hope that you will be with your MM one day. I felt pretty pathetic that I still have hope, but at the same time I feel ok knowing that I am moving forward with my divorce and moving on with my life. If anything, he served a purpose for me to get off my butt and realize I needed to make some serious decisions.

 

I also find peace (as I'm sure you do) knowing that he will be miserable without me and come to the realization that he treated this situation so poorly.

 

THANK YOU so much for your words. I wish you the best.........be happy and please take comfort in the fact that you are not alone!

[Stripey]

I have to get in on this as we are all going thru the same thing. The only difference is that i still have contact. And that is rapidly bringing me to the conclusion that he is still even MORE of a coward. He wont and cant have me, but cant bear not to have me in his life somehow. Its AWFUL. I get the rejection and the guilt and the superior attitude of "I have to do whats right" every time I see him. So Im not sure whats worse, other than its building negative emotions towards him, and slowly errasing the 'fantasy'. I CANT believe it was a fantasy. It was SOOOOO real.

 

I am of the same mind as you both. I believe the more time he has away, the more he will look back and pine for what he gave up. I was his 'dream' after all!! The issues with his marriage will inevitably resurface and if he stays, he will forever be torn by the 'what if......". And he will be always dealing with the guilt of what he did to me...the promises..."If you leave I promise I will be there for you....." HA HA HA HA (bitter, me???? Noooooo.....)

 

So as with you both, I am dealing with divorce, my kids, my new house, my empty bed. Actually, Im getting to like my empty bed. Lots of late night reading, stretching out and tapping away on my laptop. Well, silver linings.

 

Keeps well you guys, look after yourselves and see you on the threads

[letgo]

Stripey~

(((((HUGS TO YOU)))))

 

How many times have I looked at MM the same way you are looking at yours? COUNTLESS. Not only realizing his flaws, but actually listening to and buying all of his bull**** lines. Not only do you lose self respect being in an EMA, but how can you respect your OM for their behavior as well? These relationships are doomed from the start. I was such a naive girl when this all started (24) low self-esteem, married too young (22), from an alcoholic home. I'm not trying to justify my behavior, I am only saying that it's easy to get caught up in a relationship like this --- it can happen to anybody. I just didn't have the wherewithal to understand what I was doing at the time. Such a little girl.

 

And, how many times have I wished to take it all back?? I would in a heartbeat!!!!! It breaks my heart to have gone through all of this, but I have gained new insight into myself because of it. I realized that I was in a marriage that would never work! And now that I have no contact with my MM? I have gained a sense of self respect, knowledge that I will never do anything like this again, a new beginning. I have lost a TOXIC relationship and it was only when we were forced to give it up that I can say it was toxic. We can be so blindsided; I feel like I was addicted to the relationship. Now looking back and as each day passes with no contact, I can say that I am getting much happier, much healthier........

 

I am anxious about the day he will poke his head up again. I know it will happen. The true test will be what will I do then? If I have learned anything from this NC period, I will be strong and ignore the contact.

[Stripey]

Oh, I so relate to the word addiction. In fact, I remember the last night we spent together (the one where he told me he had told his wife he was leaving her for me and he was mine forever!!!!), I told him I was addicted to him. Thats really how it felt.

 

And now, when I see him. Im begining to hate him. His constant smug justifications, all muddled up with how much he loves me. I kind of despise him, yet feel compelled to throw him to the floor and have my way with him... WHATS WRONG WITH ME???

 

So addiction it is, and the only way to deal with it is cold turkey - NC.. You and lielab have had it enforced on you. I think its time to enforce it on myself. Friends doesnt work. Im looking forward to getting healthy like you.

 

And as you say, when he pops his head up one day - which he inevitably will - be strong!!!!!!!

[leilab]

Another weekend busy with the kids - my court date is set for June 28th, with custody mediation on the 23rd. Its funny because with all the emotions I felt with my MM - I seem to feel nothing for anything else. The thought of us separating households and not seeing my kids 100% of the time does not send me into a panick mode, nor does it depress me. And it is definitely not that I don't love my kids 100%.

 

Still my emotional outburst and crying revolve around my MM. I am pretty angry at myself for not getting over this.

 

Last week I talked to a business aquaintence (male) - and was astonished to hear that he has an OW. We shared stories and it was very interesting for me to hear that:

 

1) His involvement with OW does not change his feelings for his wife

2) He would never leave his wife

3) Any sex is better than no sex - and he continues to be intimate with his wife

4) A major part of the turn-on is the "sneaking off" part - exciting

5) Another major part is the ego boost

 

Amazing............

 

One other thing I did for my ego boost: I am having one of my girlfriends check out the wife. She works in the same place - and I figure I need a little self satisfaction that I am so much better.............(fill in the blank) and that he can spend eternity with her instead of me?

 

I figure he got off pretty easy with me. When told me it was over, I accepted it. I could have made his life pretty miserable if I wanted to.

 

Anyways have a good week.