Can I have a loving relationship with my horrible past?

[bwoods]

My livein boyfriend of 4 years recentley broke it off with me due to something I've hidden in my past. My past is horrible, but I am not the same person I was then. I have completly done a 180 and am disgusted and shamed by the things I have done (cheating, lying, not being self respecting). Since we've been together, there was never a fight within me to be loyal and totally and completley faithful. I love him with my whole heart and visioned myself growing old with him. He explained that he is special and would not give himself to someone so easily and that I could even do something like that. Even before I got with him, I made the decision to deal with myself and decided that I deserved better that what I was settiling for. I've read some posts on here about guys dealing with their girlfriends past and most of the comments were, you can't turn a ho into a housewife and someone like me would not be considered quality. I am in a professional career, am up for a promotion, make really good money and am dedicated. I truly want a loving committed relationship in the future but can someone like me even expect that? Thoughts and thanks for reading!

[solobeary]

My livein boyfriend of 4 years recentley broke it off with me due to something I've hidden in my past. My past is horrible, but I am not the same person I was then. I have completly done a 180 and am disgusted and shamed by the things I have done (cheating, lying, not being self respecting). Since we've been together, there was never a fight within me to be loyal and totally and completley faithful. I love him with my whole heart and visioned myself growing old with him. He explained that he is special and would not give himself to someone so easily and that I could even do something like that. Even before I got with him, I made the decision to deal with myself and decided that I deserved better that what I was settiling for. I've read some posts on here about guys dealing with their girlfriends past and most of the comments were, you can't turn a ho into a housewife and someone like me would not be considered quality. I am in a professional career, am up for a promotion, make really good money and am dedicated. I truly want a loving committed relationship in the future but can someone like me even expect that? Thoughts and thanks for reading!

 

Hi there. Please don't interpret the "you can't turn a ho" talk as about yourself. I'd never use those terms myself (plus I'm a girl whose been dumped so I'm more likely to man-bash ), but what people mean who say things like that on these boards is the type of girl who jumps from one guy to the next, who uses and abuses people, who loves you one day then hates you the next. The type of girl that you get sucked into and end up talking about on these boards. Often, these types of girls have had traumatic pasts. But this doesn't mean all people who have had traumatic pasts act like this, or that no one can ever change. People have to change in themselves. I have no idea what you mean when you say your past is horrible, but from the way you talk about it it sounds like whatever you did you have changed within yourself. You say you are a professional now, and dedicated. That's nothing like the type of people that people on these boards say to stay away from. Definitely, you can hope to find a committed relationship. You need to pick the right time to tell a potential partner your past (not too soon but not too long either, maybe ask another question for advice with more specifics about how to do that). But maybe they will even be impressed that you are such a strong person that you can pick yourself up and make a change in your life for the better

[bwoods]

Thanks Solobeary,

 

I definately know that i am not that person now. I did make some very bad decisions in my past. I guess I'm dealing with someone taking my past and defining me. This was done when I was not with him, nor even knew that he cared for me. He's held me responsible for the feelings he had for me when I didn't even know he existed. I am proud of myself for choosing to correct my mistakes instead of repeating them. It really bothers me when people assume that someone who had done certain thing will continue to do them. In my case it defined things that I would NEVER do again. I personally feel that relationship pasts should not be discussed, unless there is a health reason tied to it. People should look at the person that they are with now and how they are living their lives with them in that moment. He's has always held me under my past and I couldn't break free of that. Instead of being the loving, loyal, faithful partner I was with him, I have been reduced to just another "ho" in his mind. I know I will always be that. The 4 years we spent building and growing together has just been erased as if they meant nothing.

[scobro]

The past has already happened you cant change it,the future doesnt exist it hasnt happened yet, its only right now that matters.Sounds like right now you are in a great place and will have no problems finding the right relationship.Most people try to find salvation in the future or are stuck in worrying about how their past has been, the only thing that matters is right now.

 

read Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle will make you see your past isnt worth worrying about.

[KathyM]

People can turn their lives around. You may meet someone yourself who used to be on a different, more destructive path, and who has changed. Some people are able to look past the history and only see you for who you are now, and with those you could have a future. But for many people, when they choose a partner, they do look at the past, because that is an indicator of who they are. That is a part of them that will always be there to some degree, even if only in memory. I think it's perfectly legitimate to see a person for the life they've led thusfar. Since we can't know what the future holds or what someone will do in the future, its legitimate to look at how someone has lived their life thusfar to determine the risk in investing time in a relationship with someone. For example, my sister married a man (her 2nd husband) who had been divorced several times previously. She chose to ignore his past history and only chose to look at the way he presented himself in the present, and she thought he had matured and learned from his past mistakes and was not likely to repeat them. Well, sure enough, he reverted back to his prior bad habits and that was the end of their marriage. When choosing a partner, people have to look at the past, since that is usually a reliable indicator, of who that person is. Actions speak a lot louder than words or intentions. We are what we do, and not what we think or what we wish to be. You really can't blame the guy for not wanting to take a gamble on someone with a bad history.