Inappropriate pictures of boyfriend on Facebook - is my reaction justified?

[reptilelover88]

Ok so I am home from college for the holidays but my boyfriend is still there. Last night he had a big, boozy dinner to celebrate the end of the football term (he coaches a ladies' football team). I'm generally a pretty secure person and I trust him, so the fact that he went to this drunken dinner surrounded by girls honestly didn't bother me. That is, until I saw the photos on Facebook today. I know that he was very drunk, but the photos are awful. He is hugging girls in many of them, which is actually ok with me but it gets worse. In one photo he is quite clearly holding hands with one of them and in the worst ones, he is rolling around half-dressed on a bed with dark red lipstick kiss stains all over him (including his mouth!!) and all over the girls he's with too. So he definitely kissed at least one of them somewhere.

 

My gut instinct is that he didn't cheat (not least because it would definitely get back to me through my own friends in football) but I am still horrified at his behaviour. To me, that is not what you do when you're in a serious, committed relationship. I feel like I have been very supportive and non-jealous of his football team and he's thrown that back in my face. The photos cut me inside and bring back all the past insecurities that I have worked so hard to overcome before I got into this, very special, relationship.

 

But what I would like to know is this: Am I overreacting? Should I confront him about it (we're scheduled to talk on Skype tonight) and if so, what should I say?

Edited December 4, 2011 by reptilelover88

[Anela]

You aren't overreacting.

[Soxfaninfl]

Ok so I am home from college for the holidays but my boyfriend is still there. Last night he had a big, boozy dinner to celebrate the end of the football term (he coaches a ladies' football team). I'm generally a pretty secure person and I trust him, so the fact that he went to this drunken dinner surrounded by girls honestly didn't bother me. That is, until I saw the photos on Facebook today. I know that he was very drunk, but the photos are awful. He is hugging girls in many of them, which is actually ok with me but it gets worse. In one photo he is quite clearly holding hands with one of them and in the worst ones, he is rolling around half-dressed on a bed with dark red lipstick kiss stains all over him (including his mouth!!) and all over the girls he's with too. So he definitely kissed at least one of them somewhere.

 

My gut instinct is that he didn't cheat (not least because it would definitely get back to me through my own friends in football) but I am still horrified at his behaviour. To me, that is not what you do when you're in a serious, committed relationship. I feel like I have been very supportive and non-jealous of his football team and he's thrown that baQck in my face. The photos cut me inside and bring back all the past insecurities that I have worked so hard to overcome before I got into this, very special, relationship.

 

But what I would like to know is this: Am I overreacting? Should I confront him about it (we're scheduled to talk on Skype tonight) and if so, what should I say?

 

You are not overreacting. What he did is inappropriate. I would feel uncomfortable if my GF did the same thing with a bunch of men. I wouldn't know how to approach this situation?

[Butterfly21]

I agree with the above. You are in no way overreacting. I would hate to think how he would feel in your shoes. Having fun is ok but pictures like that are inapropriate if you are taken :-S

 

I'm not sure how i would approach it. I think i would be honest and let him know how it has made me feel. It may stir up some trouble but keeping your feelings about something like that to yourself will cause trust issues imo.

[Soxfaninfl]

I agree with the above. You are in no way overreacting. I would hate to think how he would feel in your shoes. Having fun is ok but pictures like that are inapropriate if you are taken :-S

 

I'm not sure how i would approach it. I think i would be honest and let him know how it has made me feel. It may stir up some trouble but keeping your feelings about something like that to yourself will cause trust issues imo.

 

I agree. If you don't say anything then he will think it's ok to do this again in the future.

[phineas]

UN-friend, block number, find new BF that isn't a retard.

 

How you can see those pics & believe he didn't sleep with any of those women is beyond me.

 

Because not only have you seen those pics but any & all of your friends who are his FB friend & honestly I could never respect a friend who stayed with someone that pulled that crap so openly.

 

I sure has hell wouldn't stay with a woman who did something similar & posted it on FB.

Though I don't really know what similar is since men don't wear lipstick.

Edited December 4, 2011 by phineas

[reptilelover88]

Thanks so much to all those who have replied so far. It helps so much just knowing that you agree with me. I like to consider myself quite a level-headed and confident woman these days but I sometimes worry if perhaps it's just my hormones affecting my view of things!

 

I have decided that I am going to have to confront him tonight but I'm not sure of the best way to do it. I'm considering asking him whether he considers that his behaviour last night was appropriate but perhaps that's too passive-aggressive. He does have a tendency to say that I'm overreacting whenever I bring up something like this and immediately become very defensive.

[reptilelover88]

Phineas, I wish everyone had your morals. It disturbs and saddens me that we live in a world where people think this kind of behaviour is acceptable. I'm hopping mad at his football team too (they all know about me) but I don't know any of them personally. I bet my boyfriend will claim this is normal when I confront him about it later.

[Butterfly21]

I bet my boyfriend will claim this is normal when I confront him about it later.

 

He probably will but you know that there is nothing that can justify his actions. Remember that!

[phineas]

Phineas, I wish everyone had your morals. It disturbs and saddens me that we live in a world where people think this kind of behaviour is acceptable. I'm hopping mad at his football team too (they all know about me) but I don't know any of them personally. I bet my boyfriend will claim this is normal when I confront him about it later.

 

Uhh, their women.

 

He is a man who is their coach & has a GF.

That's a double-whammy on the forbidden there so i'm not surprised at all.

[amymarieca]

I can tell you are trying to see this as somehow being ok because you don't want to seem like you are a jealous person or overreacting. I don't blame you one bit for feeling extremely hurt by this. The fact that he did this to you AND posted the pictures on Facebook shows that he has absolutely no respect for you. Please don't waste any more time on this guy. He's definitely not worth it!

[reptilelover88]

I totally understand the whole forbidden thing unfortunately :-( He didn't post the photos himself - several of his team did - but I consider it exactly the same since he hasn't removed any tags, has liked and commented on some of them, etc. He doesn't own a camera so he wouldn't have his own pics to upload. I guess I need to be harsh with him later, but I love him (I know, I know...) and I really don't want to lose him.

[make me believe]

WOW I'm really shocked at the kind of stuff people will put up with from their allegedly faithful partners nowadays! You are worried about being overly jealous or controlling when he has pics online of him with lipstick all over him, rolling around in bed with several girls??? Gross. I'm not sure how you can look at pictures like that and conclude that he didn't cheat. I think you're fooling yourself, honestly. And if he claims it's "normal," well maybe it is normal behavior for him, but that doesn't mean you have to accept it. I mean, do you find it to be normal and ok for someone who is allegedly in a committed relationship? Obviously not. MOST people would not. I'm not sure why you're so afraid to lose somebody who obviously has NO respect for you or your relationship. You need to have higher standards for yourself.

[Soxfaninfl]

I totally understand the whole forbidden thing unfortunately :-( He didn't post the photos himself - several of his team did - but I consider it exactly the same since he hasn't removed any tags, has liked and commented on some of them, etc. He doesn't own a camera so he wouldn't have his own pics to upload. I guess I need to be harsh with him later, but I love him (I know, I know...) and I really don't want to lose him.

 

 

If someone from the school saw those photos, he could lose his coaching job. What he did was inappropriate. He is the coach for crying out load. He could jeopardize his career as a coach. If he did this now what's to stop him in the future?

[phineas]

If someone from the school saw those photos, he could lose his coaching job. What he did was inappropriate. He is the coach for crying out load. He could jeopardize his career as a coach. If he did this now what's to stop him in the future?

 

It's a woman's football team.

In my day all those teams were not sanctioned sporting programs by colleges they were mostly like clubs or drinking events.

 

So maybe the "couch" part isn't forbidden fruit so much as him just being the guy in charge & something for the players to compete for.

[dasein]

OP definitely not overreacting, and I wonder what kind of fallout is happening with BFs and husbands of the players who may have seen the pictures? This is the kind of thing that can turn into a big stink. Sorry you have had to put up with this.

[Feelsgoodman]

The worst thing about this whole situation is that your guy was rolling around on a bed with a bunch of butch female football players. It could be a sign that he's a latent homosexual.

[shocked_confused]

LMAO!!!

 

I kind of wondered too, what your typical female football player might look like? I'm definitely a girlie girl and have no desire to play football whatsoever..blech.

 

lol, I think what OP means by football is "soccer". Not your typical American football. I don't think she lives in North America where we call it soccer. In Europe they call it "football".

[Feelsgoodman]

lol, I think what OP means by football is "soccer". Not your typical American football. I don't think she lives in North America where we call it soccer. In Europe they call it "football".

Europeans don't go to "college". They go to university.

[shocked_confused]

Europeans don't go to "college". They go to university.

 

Oh true...maybe they play flag football then? at least I'd hope so...lol, otherwise I don't know why he would even want to roll around on a bed with big butchy girls....blegh.

[The Outlaw]

It's not overreacting at all. I think that anyone no matter how much they trust a boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife would feel the same way you do. I would-

[reptilelover88]

Well guessed, I'm not in north America and it's soccer. I go to a higher education college (18+) rather than a university. My boyfriend's a student too and he's coaching the girls for a lower league, kind of informally you might say. So there's no issue with him losing his job or anything. Some of the girls are kind of pretty but that's not the point. There are lots of cute guys on my course but I would never dream of acting in this way. This whole thing just sucks. More photos just got put up of a girl straddling him. I haven't confronted him yet but will do so tonight.

[verhrzn]

A girl STRADDLING him?

 

Honey... look, I know you want to come across as a secure person. And you want to give him a chance to explain himself.

 

But I really don't think you should be having a "discussion." I think you should be DTMFA (Dumping the Mother F*cker Already.)

 

This goes way beyond the realm of "gray" appropriate behavior into "absolutely not" behavior. Him becoming defensive or accusing you of being jealous/unreasonable is just a way for him to control the situation, and to shift the blame off of his actions onto yours. Do not allow him to do this. What he did is WILDLY inappropriate. I'd easily call it cheating.

 

If nothing else, look at the fact that every single poster in this thread agrees it's inappropriate. You need to tell him that if this is what he considers normal behavior, and this is the sort of boundaries he sets with his friends, then you are out the door.

 

I wouldn't bother pulling the whole "Well how would you feel if I did that?" Suave guys are figured out how to get around this-they just respond," Oh I wouldn't have any problem if you did that." By presenting themselves as SO secure and non-jealous, they're able to cast you as overly sensitive.

 

Seriously. I'm sure your bf is a nice person and all, but there are some mistakes that cannot be bought back.

 

DTMFA.

[phineas]

Oh true...maybe they play flag football then? at least I'd hope so...lol, otherwise I don't know why he would even want to roll around on a bed with big butchy girls....blegh.

 

they call it powder puff football.

[dasein]

No there have been several legitimate women's football leagues that aren't powder puff at all. Saw a profile on an LSU player during the game yesterday whose mother had been in a women's football league and she was wearing the exact same gear men do. They tend to take their football very seriously in the Southern U.S. at all levels, so doesn't surprise me there are serious women's teams there.

 

I bet the players are a bit taller and bulkier than average women, but in shape and good looking also.