Losing attraction towards my husband

[runforyourlife]

I want to make the situation clear so that I can get honest advice. I am going to explain the full situation at hand. I know there are many factors to this situation and have taken into consideration that I may just need to see a counselor but until then I am searching for honest opinions and advice.

 

I am 23 years old and have been with my husband since we were in high school. We were together for 3 years before we decided to get married and have now been married for almost 5 years. We have been head over heels in love with each other ever since we met, we have never had any serious arguments or any "break ups", we have always gotten along, are the best of friends, and still love each other dearly.

 

During our marriage I had gotten comfortable with myself and gained about 20-25lbs and my husband has always been fit since he is in the military. Here recently the tables have turned and in the last year I have gotten extremely physically active and lost my "marriage" weight.... my husband on the other hand had to go through shoulder surgery which put him out quite a few months. He still looks good but has gained a little weight, this did not bother me but it has been over a year since his surgery and he has fell into a rut. He no longer works out of any kind unless he must do PT at work. I have been fine with him putting on a little and am not a shallow person, but his ability to not "work out" has turned into laziness. Now he mostly sleeps when he gets home from work, then is up a few hours before bed. He works hard but this is almost an every day occurrence which has made slight effects on the situation.

 

Not only has the increase in "laziness" bothered me, but I am also beginning to question myself. Because I married so young I have been questioning the fact that he has been my one and only. I have not had sexual relations with any other person since I was 17. I never thought of this when we were thinking of getting married or even after we had gotten married, only in the last year or so has this bothered me. I love my husband very much and do not wish to spend the rest of my life with anybody else and this is all that should matter, right? Am I really missing out?

 

Also to make matters worse I have recently changed jobs and my new boss started flirting with me in a very playful way. He is a married man and says things that push my buttons.... slightly dirty things. At first I thought it was funny and would joke back. Now it has gotten a little more serious, as though he's not joking. The bad thing is-is that I like it. I know I am horrible for feeling this way, I feel as though I am betraying my husband and if he knew he would flip out!

 

Before the flirting even really started I was having problems wanting to have sex and being turned on by my husband. He does not know this and I have not mentioned it to him because I want to try and find answers myself or "fix" it myself before I mention that there is a problem. Don't get me wrong he spends plenty of time with fore play and pleasuring me but it seems to take a lot to get me wet. To make matters worse now when we have sex I find myself fantasizing about my boss!!! How horrible?!?!? It just happens, like I can't control it. I have even had thoughts about sexual interactions with my boss and have swore that I would never cheat on my husband!

 

I want things to work out with us, I want to feel for him, I DON'T want to cheat on my husband, but I NEED some advice. How can I try to fix these problems myself? Please be honest, I know it was wrong of me to flirt back but there was nothing more.

[MikeT4]

[quote=runforyourlife;3758645

 

Also to make matters worse I have recently changed jobs and my new boss started flirting with me in a very playful way. He is a married man and says things that push my buttons.... slightly dirty things. At first I thought it was funny and would joke back. Now it has gotten a little more serious, as though he's not joking. The bad thing is-is that I like it. I know I am horrible for feeling this way, I feel as though I am betraying my husband and if he knew he would flip out!

 

Before the flirting even really started I was having problems wanting to have sex and being turned on by my husband. He does not know this and I have not mentioned it to him because I want to try and find answers myself or "fix" it myself before I mention that there is a problem. Don't get me wrong he spends plenty of time with fore play and pleasuring me but it seems to take a lot to get me wet. To make matters worse now when we have sex I find myself fantasizing about my boss!!! How horrible?!?!? It just happens, like I can't control it. I have even had thoughts about sexual interactions with my boss and have swore that I would never cheat on my husband!

 

 

Your boss is committing a serious breach in two ways. First of all HE"S MARRIED. Secondly he was sexually harassing you. At least until you started reciprocating. He seems to me to be someone with some problems. I suggest you stop that situation now.

 

The rest of what you say sounds very shallow even if you don't think it is. Re-read it and switch yourself and your husband. What if he felt this way when you put on your "marriage weight."

[runforyourlife]

Thanks for the insight. Like I said I know it's wrong. Maybe it's that I am still naive and married to young. But I feel as though I am changing and can not help it. I have done nothing to cheat on my husband and will not. I cam for advice and I suppose I got it.

 

Time to pull back and grow up. Thank you.

 

F.Y.I: My boss would be considered over weight. I am not shallow.

[YoursSincerely]

You need to talk to your husband.

Sometimes people forget to communicate or choose not to. I am assuming that your husband is unaware of what's going through that head of yours. Not only is it wrong of your boss to do what he does because he is your boss and both of you are married.

Do you feel that because your husband has gotten "lazy" that he isn't meeting your needs or something? Maybe you aren't meeting his need either. This may have contributed to you liking how your boss acts. People like to be admired or loved or whatever especially when they feel their needs aren't being met by their SO. Like I said...you need to talk to your husband and say what's on your mind even if it makes you feel uncomfortable. Sometimes people don't realize what is going on until something is said. Good communication is very powerful and important.

 

Just remember that at one point you may have been a bit unattractive when you were chubby and may have had women fawning over him when he had a fit body...and maybe at some point he felt the way you did.

Edited December 5, 2011 by YoursSincerely

[The Blue Knight]

Simple situation. You took far more notice to your husbands "undesirable" characteristics AFTER you met your new boss. You can tell yourself otherwise but this is typical pre-affair emotional behavior.

 

People in marriages who run into desirable individuals of the opposite sex will often begin telling themselves the vast negative things that their current spouse suffers from. This list of negatives about their spouse allows for psychological permission to enjoy the outside flirting / come-ons. It's what we all do unless we become acutely aware of our own behavior and confront it outright.

 

What you'd better remember is this. Your boss is a player. If he gets you to that point where you're willing to let your guard down completely and permit him to screw your brains out, you'd better realize that you're just his side action sperm receptacle and little more. I'm just telling as frankly as I can the reality of your situation. Men who want to have sex with a "target female" will generally tell the woman they are interested in just about anything to get them into bed. They'll flatter you to death about your eyes, your legs, your smile. These are tactical words used to loosen you up emotionally so that you become open to the idea of having sex with him. It sounds like he's already achieved this part of the equation. Men like your boss can recognize a female in distress emotionally and those are the women that they move on. At some point you'll no doubt begin to slam your husband for his broad inadequacies. That's when this guy will know he can make his move on you.

 

You need to recognize the patterned approach this guy is using on you. By throwing out the sexual and dirty talk in a "joking way", he can safely find out where you're at. If you don't respond or you're dismissive of those comments, he just moves on. Because he immediately saw that you were somewhat open to his "suggestive" comments by laughing at those "jokes" he was able to deduct that you were receptive. Then he began taking it to LEVEL TWO where he talks sexually with you but drops the joking tone in lieu of a more serious tone to see if you'll take it that way, which you obviously have. LEVEL THREE will be the direct come-on when he gets you in an isolated situation where he can convey to you something along the lines of he's "attracted to you like he's never been attracted to anyone else" or "that he's been having sexual dreams about you at night that come up repeatedly." These are standard player lines so be ready for them.

 

Somewhere in all of this, you'll hear about his fragile marriage which is barely being held together because his wife doesn't really have any interest in him sexually or otherwise. The standard reason for staying together is "the kids" if there are any. Otherwise, other excuses are usually implemented such as the wife's "emotional problems." These too are player lines that married men use routinely use as a device to gain "poor me" syndrome from the target female.

 

The decision you have to make is very simple. Is a fun romp in the hay for a few weeks or months with this guy worth throwing away your marriage? Are you prepared to be the "other woman" and let this guy **** you repeatedly for his own pleasure and gain while he lies to you about his terrible situation at home? More importantly perhaps is how would you feel if this was your husband? Suppose he let those 25 to 30 lbs you put a on a while back be his excuse to bed another woman who was flirting with him? What would your reaction have been? My guess would be you'd ask him why he didn't share his feelings with you instead of having an affair.

 

You'd better think this one through very carefully my dear. Nothing good comes from these situations. You're in a slump with your husband. All married people have slumps . . . both emotionally, and otherwise. You have to get your mind back in the game and tell yourself what made this guy so special that you've spent the last eight years with him. He's been your only love. He can remain so. But it's up to you to get your emotional life back together.

 

Get some outside help. Tell your husband about your concerns that he's changed recently and that his new approach to life is a problem for you. Get some immediate marriage counseling. Find another job or transfer to get away from your boss. He's a player. I know you don't want to believe that, or maybe you don't even care. He's not going to leave his wife for you. He's going to use you for whatever he can get from you as he likely has other women in his past. Don't become another notch on his bed post.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I dont care what anyone else says here you are a terrible person

 

 

Classic LoveShack attack

[reboot]

Life is nothing but a series of decisions. Love is one of those decisions; it's not just a feeling. You made a covenant with your husband and if you decide to break it, he should be the first one to know.

 

And by the way, if you decide to stay with your husband, change jobs.

[stillafool]

Runforyourlife please listen to me. You are not missing anything by not having had more sexual experience other than your husband. Be glad you have only slept with him since you were 17. YOU AIN'T MISSING NOTHING GOOD, Girl. What you have missed by not having had more sexual partners is heartache, disease, insecurity and a bad reputation. You are wrong to judge your husband for what you yourself had a problem with. You need to sit him down and tell him how you feel, what you want, and how you are willing to help in anyway you can.

 

As far as your boss is concerned, don't engage this pig in anyway. Think about if that were your husband behaving in that manner with one of his co-workers. How would you feel? How would you feel if your husband found out you were having sex with another man? I can tell you he will never, ever look at you the same way again? Could you handle the pain? I don't think so. This MM is the scum of the earth and he will use you to get his rocks off and when you fall for him he will not leave his wife or family for you. He will throw you under the bus when your husband and his wife find out. If you don't believe me read "The Other woman" section of LS. Basically if you know what is not good for you, you will put your boss in his place TODAY! Tell him to "STOP IT" with the your most serious expression that you can produce the next time he makes an inappropriate advance towards you.

[carhill]

Life is nothing but a series of decisions. Love is one of those decisions; it's not just a feeling. You made a covenant with your husband and if you decide to break it, he should be the first one to know.

 

And by the way, if you decide to stay with your husband, change jobs.

Concise and simple and very healthy advice IMO. I hope the OP reflects upon it. Welcome to LS, OP

[musemaj11]

Love truly doesnt exist.

[wezol]

Ain't no use in going home;

Jody's got your girl and gone.

Ain't no use in feeling blue;

Jody's got your sister, too.

Ain't no use in lookin' back;

Jody's got your Cadillac...

[manup]

Love truly doesnt exist.

 

not anymore

[The Blue Knight]

Love truly doesnt exist.

 

Abusive or dysfunctional relationships aside, I'd have to disagree.

 

Love truly exists. The problem is that our concept of what love is has become blurred by warm and fuzzy falsehoods and pseudo "falling in love" ideals straight out of Hollywood movies and romance novels.

 

As Gary Smalley wrote, "Love is a D-E-C-S-I-O-N" rather than a feeling as we've all been led to believe. The minute we allow our feelings to dictate our actions involving emotions such as love, we enter a point of no return and it begins to psychologically chip away at our commitment to that loved one.

 

I have days where I don't feel as loving toward my wife and I'm certain she has days where she doesn't feel that way about me. We love each other and most days we're head over heals about one another. But love is a fleeting emotion that ebbs and flows like the tide. You have to grasp that fact and be mature enough to realize that going into a committed relationship.

 

 

[123321]

tl;dr; version: "I married young and never slutted around, now a powerful man is flirting with me and my husband is looking less attractive."

[KathyM]

You are investing your emotional and sexual energy in your boss, which you should be giving to your husband. As long as you are investing those feelings in your boss, you are not going to be feeling it for your husband. You need to stop that ASAP. You are also doing damage to your boss' marriage, as well as your own. Just stop the flirting. Stop the fantacizing. Shut down the romantic thoughts of your boss. Redirect those thoughts to something that's good. And if your boss doesn't get the message that you no longer want to engage in inappropriate dialogue with him, then tell him you feel your professional relationship has crossed a line, and you'd like to get it back to what it should be--a professional relationship. And I would also suggest encouraging your husband to seek counseling for himself. Sometimes, when people go through a health crisis, they develop a "patient mentality" that doesn't go back to normal right away. He also may be suffering from mild depression because of the prior illness, and that is making him lethargic. Have him see a counselor. I think it would help him. You may even want to both go to marriage counseling to work on getting back that spark in your relationship. Good luck.