pregnancy/drinking/socializing question

[daturanoir]

I'm curious: for couples who have or are planning to have children:

 

When you (or your spouse) was pregnant, how often did your (nonpregnant) partner go out drinking?

[allina]

I'm curious: for couples who have or are planning to have children:

 

When you (or your spouse) was pregnant, how often did your (nonpregnant) partner go out drinking?

 

Like out all night getting wasted? Both my husband and I have outgrown that hence being ready for kids. When I'm pregnant we do not plan on changing our social habits, I just won't be drinking.

[Afishwithabike]

I'm curious: for couples who have or are planning to have children:

 

When you (or your spouse) was pregnant, how often did your (nonpregnant) partner go out drinking?

 

I assume you mean going to bars and getting wasted. No, he didn't go out drinking like that when I was pregnant. It's not as if I forbade him from doing it either. Going out drinking with buddies isn't his idea of fun at this stage of life.

[standtall]

Once to twice a month. My wife and I have 3 children.

[Lauriebell82]

My husband goes out with his work friends for a happy hour but has maybe 1 beer and comes home. We go out to restaurants together with friends and again he has 1 or 2 beers, while I do not drink. That's what it was like before I got pregnant, though I would usually have a drink if we were out.

 

Sometimes my husband will have a beer on the weekends while watching football, but he is not a huge drinker and does not go out to get drunk basically ever.

[Stung]

We went out to pubs a few times together during my pregnancy, we would eat dinner together, I would just have tea or whatever and he'd have one or two beers. He went out drinking late with friends maybe twice, one of those times was for a tournament of sorts and the other time was after a funeral, if I recall correctly. He also went out for beers a few times with some of his employees from work, but those weren't late nights and he never has more than one beer when he's with people who work with/for him. We're not big lifestyle drinkers or partiers, our drinking is more like going on wine tasting trips, going to microbrewery pubs now and then.

[daturanoir]

Thanks for the answers, though I was hoping for some more to get a broader picture. It seems like this isn't something that anyone really had/has an issue with, and it seems like mostly people who's partner is pregnant don't really drink very much, and definitely don't become intoxicated.

 

My husband drinks "responsibly" when it is just the two of us out to dinner or something like that (ie, one or two drinks; doesn't drink to intoxication). However, in social situations (birthdays, work HHs, social outings on weekends, weddings, etc.) he 100% of the time becomes drunk. It's hard to say how often this happens, because it could be once every couple/few months, or it could be twice a week for a month, etc. depending on the time of year/social calendar.

 

Before getting married my SO and I discussed having children. I am indifferent; he wants them yesterday. What I do feel strongly about is that people with children should not drink (what I mean is become visibly buzzed/intoxicated, but for my spouse they're almost always the same thing). Since I feel this way, and since he wants kids, I brought this up, and after some discussion he agreed with this point of view.

 

I don't currently have a problem with my spouse's drinking habits, but I don't want to have children until he demonstrates that he is ready (stops getting drunk in every social situation). Conflict: he wants them right now, but hasn't stopped or decreased his drinking habits. He has plenty of friends who socialize in other ways instead of getting drunk (including friends who already have babies/children), so it's not as though his only option to socialize is to go to bars. I haven't given him an ultimatum or anything, but I am starting to wonder if I should.

 

I view the decision to have children as one that requires huge responsibility and maturity, and I simply don't think acting like a frat boy (IMO) demonstrates those qualities. I want him to demonstrate that he will be a partner and not just a sperm donor. This is extremely important to me, since he is the one that wants children. Because he is the one that wants them so desperately, I think that if I have to give up certain aspects of my social life during a pregnancy, he should have to also. I don't think that he shouldn't be allowed to go out with his friends, but I also don't think he should get drunk at every opportunity, and I think he should be home early, not at 1, 2 or 3am. Example: if I am pregnant and we go to a wedding or birthday party, I don't think he should view me as his sober driver. If we are going to be parents, I think we should be "in it together" from the start. If I'm too tired to go out one weekend, or I don't want to be pregnant and sober and surrounded by drunk people, he should stay home with me once in awhile instead of saying yes to every opportunity to get drunk.

 

Am I being controlling for feeling this way? My husband told me that I am being selfish for thinking this way. He said I should want him to go out and have fun while I rest at home by myself (because rest is so important when you're carrying a baby), or have a friend come over to watch a movie at home with me (yeah right...but that's a whole other story).

 

Should we divorce? While his potential behavior while I am pregnant/with children is at this point entirely in my imagination, he hasn't said or done anything to make me think anything will change. I am starting to feel as though I've made a mistake. If we don't have kids I find nothing wrong with his behavior; it's just that he wants to have children, and if we do I think he should change - I thought we discussed this before getting married and were on the same page.

 

I don't know what to do. Am I just being controlling and crazy??

 

*And, I am 27 and he is 35, so it's not like we're really young and still going through that party phase*

Edited December 7, 2011 by daturanoir

[daturanoir]

Can someone please offer some insight?

 

We just go into a fight because of the following (which isn't even really a big deal):

 

He texted me before leaving work asking if I wanted to go to a local bar for dinner. I said sure; he wanted to know if our dog had been crated for a lot of the day; I said 6 hours; he thought that was too much and decided that we should have dinner at home instead of crating the dog again.

 

He gets home and is literally home for 10 minutes when he says that he really wants to get out of the house, because going to work every day doesn't count as getting out of the house. He wants to go "get a beer" with another friend. I say "get a beer" because he obviously wouldn't have just one beer and come home after an hour. Not only do I think it's unfair to me if he goes out all night after I've been alone with the dog all afternoon while also trying to get work done, I'm really offended that he "needs" to get out of the house. It's only Wednesday. He went out two days last week, during the week, plus Friday, Saturday and Sunday. After spending two evenings at home he needs to go out?? And he's telling me that he wants to have children. If he feels the need to get out of the house now, with hardly any responsibilities, how is he going to feel when there are children at home demanding all his free time and attention??

[xxoo]

You are really smart to delay having kids until you and he are on the same page....

 

I can predict how this would play out. He didn't want the dog to be in the crate any longer, so he decided HE would go out, while you stayed home (instead of going to dinner with you). He's going to be one of those guys who comes and goes as he pleases, while the mom (you) is expected to take care of the kids.

 

That is a recipe for resentment.

 

Keep talking. Since he is the one in a hurry to have kids, the burden is on him to make you comfortable with the idea.

[daturanoir]

He's going to be one of those guys who comes and goes as he pleases, while the mom (you) is expected to take care of the kids.

 

That is a recipe for resentment.

 

This is exactly what I'm terrified of - I'm completely horrified that I might become trapped because of this situation and his attitude, if we went ahead and had children.

 

Frankly, I don't understand how he can think that me expecting him to be "all in" with me while doing what HE wants to do (have kids) is selfish; and not see that it's selfish of him to think that he can knock someone up and continue to do what he wants to do, while his "partner" raises the child that HE wanted.

 

I already am kind of resentful, hence why I'm pissed that he expected me to stay home tonight with the dog (after being with it all afternoon), while he went out for the night with his (single) buddy. I'm pissed that I married someone who pretended to have the same values and agree with me about a really important viewpoint, when really he thinks this point of view is downright wrong and selfish.

 

I don't want to be pressured to have kids when I don't even care to have them...yet evidently I'm supposed to be pregnant, deliver and raise them all on my own, depending on his whims/"need" to get out of the house.

 

I don't even know what to say to him about this anymore, since his response is just that I'm selfish.

Edited December 8, 2011 by daturanoir

[standtall]

DN,

 

The first time I read your post, I thought you were an uptight, controlling person, but after re-reading it, and reading your latest posts, I am having second thoughts about who has the problem.

 

I was 29 when I had the first of my children, and I was very much like your husband is now, but I was ready to settle down and stop the frat boy behavior. If I had not, I am sure that my wife and I would be divorced, and my children would have suffered as a result. Additionally, since my children are entering some very impressionable years(14,12, and 10), I do not get intoxicated around them..ever, just to lead by example. You are right about wanting more than a sperm donation from your husband, he has to man up and be a father. If he is not ready for that, and be able to convince you of his sincerity, I would suggest cutting your losses, otherwise you will end up raising your children by yourself.

[PinkInTheLimo]

My husband drinks "responsibly" when it is just the two of us out to dinner or something like that (ie, one or two drinks; doesn't drink to intoxication). However, in social situations (birthdays, work HHs, social outings on weekends, weddings, etc.) he 100% of the time becomes drunk.

 

I am sorry to have to say this but your husband has an alcohol problem. Someone who on a regular basis cannot control his alcohol intake should stop drinking any.

 

I don't currently have a problem with my spouse's drinking habits, but I don't want to have children until he demonstrates that he is ready (stops getting drunk in every social situation).

 

You should have a problem with his drinking habits. You are wise not to have children with him right now. A lot of men are like that: yes, they want the idea of being a father but are not ready to act in a responsible way.

 

My husband told me that I am being selfish for thinking this way. He said I should want him to go out and have fun while I rest at home by myself (because rest is so important when you're carrying a baby), or have a friend come over to watch a movie at home with me (yeah right...but that's a whole other story).

 

Your husband is selfish and immature. He wants to have his cake and eat it. Either he is married or he is a bachelor. Living like a bachelor when you are married and have children means that all the pleasure is for him and all the worries for you.

In any case, I feel that his drinking has nothing to do with a bachelor or young lifestyle. There are many single and young men who act responsibly with alcohol.

 

Should we divorce? While his potential behavior while I am pregnant/with children is at this point entirely in my imagination, he hasn't said or done anything to make me think anything will change. I am starting to feel as though I've made a mistake. If we don't have kids I find nothing wrong with his behavior

 

If he does not change, you have to divorce him. You are still very young and you can start over.

 

What I don't understand is that his behaviour only worries you in the context of having children whereas it should worry you RIGHT NOW!!! Because one day he'll do something stupid while being drunk (sex with another woman, car accident).

Although he's a civilised one, your husband is a drunk.

 

You have to tell him that you don't like his relationship with alcohol, that you want him to start a treatment in order to change his drinking attitudes. If he does not want to do that, then divorce him.

 

I probably sound harsh but I see red flags here. This might become a huge problem and lead to a very bad marriage.

[xxoo]

Frankly, I don't understand how he can think that me expecting him to be "all in" with me while doing what HE wants to do (have kids) is selfish; and not see that it's selfish of him to think that he can knock someone up and continue to do what he wants to do, while his "partner" raises the child that HE wanted.

 

datura, your eyes are wide open, and your reasoning is dead on. Hold firm on your boundaries, and do not get pregnant until and unless he grows up!

 

Although, he should be grown up by 35, and chances are he will not change for the better

[Lauriebell82]

Sounds like he may have a drinking problem. Going out and getting drunk every weekend at age 35 is not a normal occurance, ESPECIALLY when married and thinking about starting a family. He is most likely in denial about the possibility of having a drinking problem (which most people are) and that's why he probably becomes defensive and you get in fights about it.

 

Unfortunately when it comes to substance abuse, nobody is going to get help or stop their behavior unless they are ready to. It may take something such as a DUI or another legal issue to really get him to open his eyes about what he is doing. Our it may take you saying to him that their is a possiblity of you leaving if he does not get help...

[daturanoir]

Sounds like he may have a drinking problem. Going out and getting drunk every weekend at age 35 is not a normal occurance, ESPECIALLY when married and thinking about starting a family. He is most likely in denial about the possibility of having a drinking problem (which most people are) and that's why he probably becomes defensive and you get in fights about it.

 

Unfortunately when it comes to substance abuse, nobody is going to get help or stop their behavior unless they are ready to. It may take something such as a DUI or another legal issue to really get him to open his eyes about what he is doing. Our it may take you saying to him that their is a possiblity of you leaving if he does not get help...

 

I've been thinking about your post, because my first reaction was "but he doesn't get drunk every weekend"....but clearly regardless of how often it happens, I have a problem with his drinking. I've been telling myself that it only bothers me in the context of him wanting to have kids, but I guess in truth it just bothers me, period. I don't think a married man his age should drink as much as he does. If he wants to get out of the house I don't blame him at all, but I wish he would get a hobby instead of drinking. Or if he wants to drink, fine! I like having a glass of wine or a cocktail at the end of the day sometimes. But why can't he limit himself to one or two? I know he's capable of doing so, so why doesn't he? Why can't he go out to dinner or a movie on a Saturday night with his married friends (they don't even have to bring their wives!!), instead of getting so drunk with his single buddies at a bar that he's incoherent when he comes home?! (That's an extreme example, but at this point I don't think it should be happening ever.) Last night he told me a couple of his married friends at work wanted us to join their couples group, or whatever they called it, where they get together and play board games and have a couple drinks at someone's house instead of getting hammered at a bar. My husband thinks that is ridiculous. He has no idea why anyone would have one or drinks at home instead of going to a bar. I actually kind of hate myself right now.

Edited December 21, 2011 by daturanoir

[bean1]

I am a mom. My husband never went out drinking when I was pregnant (he will have a few drinks at a restaurant or at home). The urge to go out and party should really be out of your system before becoming a parent, IMO.

 

As a mother, I look at your post and imagine that you will be stuck at home with a baby, angry, and resentful of a man out living it up without responsibility. And either married & miserable, or a single mother. I think your gut tells you this too

[soserious1]

I agree that parents in general need to curtail the party lifestyle but you asked a bigger question " should we divorce? "

 

After reading this thread & the one you started concerning his parents & gifting, I've concluded that you are a score keeping type of person. You want everything EXACTLY fair & equal, you keep careful note of how many times he goes out & for how long, you keep careful note of everything his parents give him & in both situations you are brimming with barely concealed resentment.

 

You're indifferent to the idea of having children yet you're trotting out the idea of having them pretty much because he wants them?

 

Ideally children shouldn't be raised by parents with alcohol problems but nor should they be raised by a martyr mother who uses them as a weapon to bash her husband with.

 

Think about it, the idea that he'll get to do something that you can't enjoy during pregnancy is already pissing you off, multiply that resentment by a couple of kids and 10 years time.

 

You are wise to not have kids now, I think you'd be even wiser to seek some individual & couple's therapy to sort out where this score keeping trait is coming from, to air the unspoken but most obvious resentments & grievances you both have & to decide if this marriage is worth continuing.

[daturanoir]

 

You're indifferent to the idea of having children yet you're trotting out the idea of having them pretty much because he wants them?

 

 

I'm not the one "trotting out" any ideas. H is the one constantly asking "can we have one now? can we have one now?" If I don't care either way why shouldn't I have them if he wants? I'm sure men do that all the time for their wives. I take my commitments seriously and I know I would be a good mom if I had children. There's nothing wrong with wanting to make sure I'm having kids with the right person, if I choose to do so.

 

I also don't keep "careful note" of anything. It's hard not to notice what time a drunk person gets home from the bars when his stumbling around and door slamming wake up both me and the dog, who starts freaking out, thinking there's an intruder in the house.

Edited December 21, 2011 by daturanoir

[daturanoir]

 

After reading this thread & the one you started concerning his parents & gifting, I've concluded that you are a score keeping type of person. You want everything EXACTLY fair & equal, you are brimming with barely concealed resentment.

 

 

This I agree with, though not really for the reasons you stated. The other thread I started not because I give a crap if his parents gift us equally, but because I think his mom is really PA toward me, and in the last 6 months or so it's gotten to the point where she upsets me so much I don't want to be around her and/or I cry. H doesn't see my side at all, he thinks I'm being too sensitive and that she doesn't mean the things she says or does the way that I take them. I'm really just looking for a word or action of hers that he can't dispute so that we can discuss it and he can't get away with blaming it on me. His parents gave me the generic Christmas card that they mail out to everyone, and they signed their last names on it. I've known them for years and I'm married to their son. This really hurt my feelings, and I think it's PA. H just says "haha my parents are so weird." Please don't bash me for this.

 

Where does the scorekeeping come in? Social activities, but more specifically vacations, NOT how often he goes out to get wasted and NOT what time he comes home from the bars. (Which, regardless, is not about scorekeeping, it's about not wanting to raise kids with someone who drinks too much on a regular basis. Going out with the guys for a beer is fine. Going out, getting hammered, and waking up your pregnant wife who "really should stay home by yourself and rest" in the middle of the night is not.)

[Stung]

I have to agree with the general consensus. Under these circumstances, datura, I would not consider having a child unless my husband agreed to, say, a year of marriage counseling first--and only then, if I felt like we'd had a good counselor and my husband had let it sink into him, not if he'd just been resistant and in denial and dragging his feet through the whole thing. I wouldn't just jump straight to divorce, but I would insist on the marriage counseling. Obviously, you'll want to interview different counselors, find the one who's the RIGHT fit for both of you.

 

Even in the best of relationships, pregnancy and the infant stages are tough. Babies, while amazing, are like boot camp, and it's so easy for inequalities to ramp up, whether perceived or real, and resentment to build. You're not a human incubator, if he wants a baby he's going to have to step up to the plate and make some adjustments within himself too--and ideally your marriage should be on more solid ground.

[setsenia]

Thankfully, my husband and I aren't big drinkers. He once in a while has a beer and that's about it. I usually get a blended alcoholic beverage once in awhile, so this is not an issue for us. It is important for couples to support each other during pregnancy. It is okay for your husband to have a beer with his friends once in awhile. However, going out to parties to drink frequently without you, is something else entirely.

[Shiloh 2011]

My sister had a relationship like yours - her H wanted kids sooo badly, esp a boy. But he never stopped acting like a frat boy - he drank and partied and engaged in behavior becoming an 18 year old until. They had 4 daughters and were married for 16 years. Ten years removed from that, my sister is still resentful and angry about all those years she subordinated her own happiness to raise the girls while he partied and bragged about his great family and life. Her and the girls were part of his show, actors on a stage he set up to impress his buddies.

 

You should ask your H to immediately stop drinking and start staying home more, in support of you and your future family. If he can't or won't, you'll know where his priorities are.