Hard time finding dates after long-term relationship

[willowthewisp]

Hi all,

 

I'm after a bit of advice please, my ex left me coming up for 3 years ago after a nearly 20 year relationship. I've worked hard to get to an emotionally healthy place over the last 3 years and I would now like to find a partner. I have a fulfillling single life, lots of friends and interests but I really would like someone to share it with. The thing is I am having a hard time finding someone!

 

I'm 36 years old and the area in which I live is highly populated with, I think the US term is, "rednecks"? Men who are uneducated, often unemployed, do drugs etc. In addition the guys who are employed and not on drugs, skilled guys, mechanics, carpenters and so on seem to want a certain type of women. They seem to be attracted to women with children, uneducated, living on social benefits. I'm a lawyer and as soon as I tell them this, they bolt.

 

A lot of the guys I meet are younger than me, I seem to attract guys 12 - 14 years younger. I keep being told that I look 26 - 28 and I'm guessing this is why I keep getting hit on my 24 years old guys. Whilst it's very flattering, they also propersition me ie they only want a one night stand. I'm really not into that, never have been and so always end up having a dance and a kiss, propersitioned and then turning them down, go home and never hear from them again.

 

My question is this, I look about me and I see so many couples my age, I read on here about others who have divorced and they go on to find new and happy relationships with men their own age. What am I doing wrong? Surely guys in their 30's would still be attracted to women who look younger? So why do they never approach me or if I approach them they cannot get away quick enough?

 

This is really getting me down. I try to do all the things I should, I go out and have fun with my friends, dance, have a few drinks, laugh and men are there, around me on the dance floor, showing interest but they are young! Yet there are older guys in the bar or club they just do not come over.

 

I realise bars may not be the best place to meet a decent man, however, here in the UK the culture is very much a night on the town on a weekend. people don't generally talk in coffee bars or in the supermarket or in the park, book store, it just isn't done. So I am at a loss where to look, how to approach this. I work in a female dominated profession too and there is no one at work. I've tried dating sites as well but have had some very unpleasant experiences, won't bore you with the details but there are some very unpleasant men on some of these sites.

 

If anyone has any helpful suggestions I would be grateful. Have any of you had this problem/experience?

[robf1971]

In addition the guys who are employed and not on drugs, skilled guys, mechanics, carpenters and so on seem to want a certain type of women. They seem to be attracted to women with children, uneducated, living on social benefits. I'm a lawyer and as soon as I tell them this, they bolt.

 

A lot of the guys I meet are younger than me, I seem to attract guys 12 - 14 years younger. I keep being told that I look 26 - 28 and I'm guessing this is why I keep getting hit on my 24 years old guys. Whilst it's very flattering, they also propersition me ie they only want a one night stand. I'm really not into that, never have been and so always end up having a dance and a kiss, propersitioned and then turning them down, go home and never hear from them again.

 

My question is this, I look about me and I see so many couples my age, I read on here about others who have divorced and they go on to find new and happy relationships with men their own age. What am I doing wrong? Surely guys in their 30's would still be attracted to women who look younger? So why do they never approach me or if I approach them they cannot get away quick enough?

 

This is really getting me down. I try to do all the things I should, I go out and have fun with my friends, dance, have a few drinks, laugh and men are there, around me on the dance floor, showing interest but they are young! Yet there are older guys in the bar or club they just do not come over.

 

I realise bars may not be the best place to meet a decent man, however, here in the UK the culture is very much a night on the town on a weekend. people don't generally talk in coffee bars or in the supermarket or in the park, book store, it just isn't done. So I am at a loss where to look, how to approach this. I work in a female dominated profession too and there is no one at work. I've tried dating sites as well but have had some very unpleasant experiences, won't bore you with the details but there are some very unpleasant men on some of these sites.

 

If anyone has any helpful suggestions I would be grateful. Have any of you had this problem/experience?

 

 

Yep,

 

Move area!! Start searching for a new job, possibilities includee London,Oxford or Brighton ie somewhere more vibrant. You might pay more in rent, but then it's a price worth paying.

[trippi1432]

I tend to agree with Rob, the area doesn't sound conducive to finding the type of man that may be right for you. While moving might not be feasible right now, perhaps going out with friends in better areas could serve it's purposes.

 

Another idea is to continue making friends, female friends, in coffee shops, book stores...etc. While it may not be the norm to find men in these locations, striking up female friendships may be. Perhaps one may have a brother who is single. I have a friend from the UK here in the US and she is always trying to set her single friends up. Little Miss Matchmaker that she is....lol! Since there are many females in your profession, I would continue networking with them and making new friends in areas that you are interested in. Never know what can come from that.

[LifesontheUp]

Hello Willow,

 

I come from a small town in the UK.

 

When I got divorced (mid 30s), I really didn't feel like going to bars and clubs - yikes I hadn't been in that environment as a single woman for nearly 20 yrs! Instead, I joined lots of clubs and filled my life that way. I joined a cycling club, running club, gym, joined a darts team and I also enrolled in evening classes for computers and to learn French and Spanish. Through these I met all sorts of people - women and men from all walks of life, kept fit and had a really great social life.

 

I will be honest though, I didn't join any of the clubs to find a partner, I joined to get fit and get busy. The OH came along at a time when I wasn't looking and on a night out with my sister. He is five years younger and what you would call my toy boy

 

Hope this is of some help and good luck.

[2.50 a gallon]

Willow

 

My friend, have you been able to get a place of your own yet?

 

When I was single, I always lived in apartment complexs and over the years seriously dated several of my neighbors. That is where I met my Ex and later my previous LTR GF.

 

Were you to have been my guest 10 years ago I could have introduced you so several available men. And not all of them players.

 

Bar romances do happen. Just go out and have a good time and you never know

 

Life... also had a good suggestion. Until a few years back, I belonged to a tropical fish club. Three quarters of the members were male, and half of them unattached. They were educated, employed, but most of them were shy. Which is probably the reason they were still unattached. And compared to the female members, you would have been the queen of the ball

 

Also the thought occurs to me, that the type of man that you are looking for probably does not regularly attend the local pub. I would guess that many of them that are your age, have been put through the ringer, possibly divorced.

 

Are there any Divorce support groups in you area? In away you to are goiong through a divorce.

[Steadfast]

I find it hard to give advice on 'meeting someone' because in my opinion, the best, most memorable and romantic relationship encounters aren't planned. I've written this to you before but nothing has changed...the idea of placing yourself in a strategic position or location may bring immediate results, but when you're wanting, you're settling. It's like going shopping when hungry. You're going to bring a lot of stuff home you shouldn't...

 

Some weeks ago, I heard some very great words about relationships. They fit together, like links in a chain. If we're passionate about all of them (not just the romantic ones) our life is fuller, more balanced and less centered on self. Look out, not in willow. Look at what is there, not at what isn't.

[LifesontheUp]

I find it hard to give advice on 'meeting someone' because in my opinion, the best, most memorable and romantic relationship encounters aren't planned. I've written this to you before but nothing has changed...the idea of placing yourself in a strategic position or location may bring immediate results, but when you're wanting, you're settling. It's like going shopping when hungry. You're going to bring a lot of stuff home you shouldn't...

 

Some weeks ago, I heard some very great words about relationships. They fit together, like links in a chain. If we're passionate about all of them (not just the romantic ones) our life is fuller, more balanced and less centered on self. Look out, not in willow. Look at what is there, not at what isn't.

 

Willow, this is excellent advice from Steadfast. It perfectly explains what I wanted to say when I wrote yesterday about not joining clubs in order to find someone, but rather to get fit, and enjoy a very good social life.

 

Go enjoy life, and stop worrying about having to meet someone. Enjoy what you have. You will meet someone, I'm sure, but it will likely happen when you least expect it.

[willowthewisp]

I find it hard to give advice on 'meeting someone' because in my opinion, the best, most memorable and romantic relationship encounters aren't planned. I've written this to you before but nothing has changed...the idea of placing yourself in a strategic position or location may bring immediate results, but when you're wanting, you're settling. It's like going shopping when hungry. You're going to bring a lot of stuff home you shouldn't...

 

Some weeks ago, I heard some very great words about relationships. They fit together, like links in a chain. If we're passionate about all of them (not just the romantic ones) our life is fuller, more balanced and less centered on self. Look out, not in willow. Look at what is there, not at what isn't.

 

Willow, this is excellent advice from Steadfast. It perfectly explains what I wanted to say when I wrote yesterday about not joining clubs in order to find someone, but rather to get fit, and enjoy a very good social life.

 

Go enjoy life, and stop worrying about having to meet someone. Enjoy what you have. You will meet someone, I'm sure, but it will likely happen when you least expect it.

 

Someone was bound to say it! I knew it when I started this thread and it's always those who have a relationship who are incapable of understanding how someone cannot get into a relationship.

 

This is a fallacy. Love does not come knocking when you least expect it, it does not come knocking when you enjoy what you are doing and stay home on a saturday night watching dvds (that is what I enjoy) nor does it just materialise when you are out and about enjoying life.

 

I've done all you have, I've joined new clubs, new hobbies, even went back to school and became a lawyer and I did none of it to FIND someone but no one turned up when least expected! Come on, REALLY! Thisi s just something people say when they cannot fathom for the life of them how someone cannot find a partner.

 

There are lots of single people who have very fulfilling lives, myself included, I am not sat at home feeling sorry for myself. However, it is completely natural and human to want a partner in life, we were made that way. All of us need love.

 

I hate the way some people on this forum try to imply that I am abnormal in some way because I desire a partnership and worse yet, from people who have one and cannot or will not (?) appreciate how it feels to be on the other side of the coin.

 

To Rob, thank you for the advice, very practical solution and one that I would love to be able to follow, unfortunately I cannot afford to move on the salaries that I am currently able to earn based on my experience after leaving uni, with the economy the way it is law firms can pay peanuts right now, min wage and us graduates work for it because we want to gain the experience to lead on to better paid positions. This means I am still living with family and commute over 60 miles a day to work and back. (Gallon, I am still at home and will be for the forseeable future

 

Hey ho such is life, we all have problems and hardships and heartache to face, some worse than others and I am truely grateful for what I have, I try to live life to the fullest but I will not just sit here and take being told that I don't just because I would like to find a life partner. Steadfast and Lifesontheup, how would you feel exactly if you were still single years after your divorces????? Quite differently I expect.

[tojaz]

Someone was bound to say it! I knew it when I started this thread and it's always those who have a relationship who are incapable of understanding how someone cannot get into a relationship.

 

This is a fallacy. Love does not come knocking when you least expect it, it does not come knocking when you enjoy what you are doing and stay home on a saturday night watching dvds (that is what I enjoy) nor does it just materialise when you are out and about enjoying life.

 

I've done all you have, I've joined new clubs, new hobbies, even went back to school and became a lawyer and I did none of it to FIND someone but no one turned up when least expected! Come on, REALLY! Thisi s just something people say when they cannot fathom for the life of them how someone cannot find a partner.

 

There are lots of single people who have very fulfilling lives, myself included, I am not sat at home feeling sorry for myself. However, it is completely natural and human to want a partner in life, we were made that way. All of us need love.

 

I hate the way some people on this forum try to imply that I am abnormal in some way because I desire a partnership and worse yet, from people who have one and cannot or will not (?) appreciate how it feels to be on the other side of the coin.

 

To Rob, thank you for the advice, very practical solution and one that I would love to be able to follow, unfortunately I cannot afford to move on the salaries that I am currently able to earn based on my experience after leaving uni, with the economy the way it is law firms can pay peanuts right now, min wage and us graduates work for it because we want to gain the experience to lead on to better paid positions. This means I am still living with family and commute over 60 miles a day to work and back. (Gallon, I am still at home and will be for the forseeable future

 

Hey ho such is life, we all have problems and hardships and heartache to face, some worse than others and I am truely grateful for what I have, I try to live life to the fullest but I will not just sit here and take being told that I don't just because I would like to find a life partner. Steadfast and Lifesontheup, how would you feel exactly if you were still single years after your divorces????? Quite differently I expect.

 

Willow, you are not abnormal at all for wanting to share your life with someone special. Deep down its what we all want, otherwise none of us would be here in the first place. Everyone who takes the time to post here does that because of how much they value relationships whether they have lost one, found one, or are looking.

 

I can understand your frustration Willow, and I deeply sympathize. I will also say that I would tend to agree with what Steadfast said. In my own experience, I have gone out looking for dates and interested women. None of them ever amounted to much, and looking back right now I couldn't tell you one of their names if my life depended on it. On the other hand I have met some amazing people by when I wasn't looking for them and those are the ones I can honestly say I will never forget. I think thats what Steadfast is trying to get at.

TOJAZ

[trippi1432]

Willow,

 

I think I understand your frustration, it's not that you are "wanting" as in desperation and you would just be with anyone for the sake of having a relationship as opposed to you are ready for one, want to find the right person to have that with and share your life with. Yes, there is a huge difference in those factors when you have come through all that you have and you look out there but there are no viable options.

 

Yes, there is some bearing in Steadfast's post if there were a general unhappiness within yourself and that was being put out there for other's to see when you are out and about. But, I feel that your general frustration is not that you are unhappy with yourself, but unhappy with your situation and the lack of opportunity where you live.

 

Perhaps not all here are understanding that. It's more that you want advice on why men your age are not approachable or not approaching you....and why only younger men who are not relationship-minded are?

 

Yes, those of us here that are in relationships after divorce may not have been looking, but the fact is, we were open and ready for a relationship...otherwise, we wouldn't be in one now. I feel this is where you are, open and ready, and frustrated by the lack of options where you live. I believe the better advice would be what are men in their mid to late 30's looking for in a partner, why are most unapproachable or act uninterested.

 

If I were in your position, I wouldn't even entertain the younger guys, I would shoo them off. Older men, in your age bracket, may take note that if you are entertaining (and by entertaining, I mean chatting up or enjoy being chatted up by younger guys) that you might not be interested in them. A lot does have to do with how we carry ourselves as women when we are out and about. Not that you are doing anything wrong, you can't help looking younger and heck, that's a good thing....but I wonder if you stop the approaches of these younger guys who obviously aren't relationship worthy, if other opportunities might present themselves. Just a thought.

[LifesontheUp]

Steadfast and Lifesontheup, how would you feel exactly if you were still single years after your divorces????? Quite differently I expect.

 

Really? You've made quite a big assumption that I didn't spend years on my own haven't you?

 

Unless you live in the outer Hebrides I don't buy the lack of unavailable men Willow. Sorry just don't buy it especially when I live in a very small welsh town.

 

You may not be sitting at home feeling sorry for yourself, but when you are out what "vibes" are you giving to other men? Are you putting them off in some way? Sometimes, and I don't mean to be nasty, but in our pursuit of this loving relationship we can come across as desperate and this puts people off.

 

I will bow out of this thread now as its quite obvious you have taken umbrage at my postings which to be perfectly honest were only trying to help

[willowthewisp]

Really? You've made quite a big assumption that I didn't spend years on my own haven't you?

 

Unless you live in the outer Hebrides I don't buy the lack of unavailable men Willow. Sorry just don't buy it especially when I live in a very small welsh town.

 

You may not be sitting at home feeling sorry for yourself, but when you are out what "vibes" are you giving to other men? Are you putting them off in some way? Sometimes, and I don't mean to be nasty, but in our pursuit of this loving relationship we can come across as desperate and this puts people off.

 

I will bow out of this thread now as its quite obvious you have taken umbrage at my postings which to be perfectly honest were only trying to help

 

I may have vented my frustrations at my situation (not you) here, but after all that is one of the benefits of an annoynmous forum, but I never got personal with you Lifeisontheup. I feel you on the other hand have, calling me desperate and telling me it is my own fault I am not getting any interest because I am putting people off.

 

Whether you "buy" that the area in which I live has a lack of decent men doesn't matter, I don't lie, I really do not wish to state where I live on here but I can tell you that it is an area of high unemployment (hence why I commute over 3 hours a day to work) and that the majority of people out on a Saturday night are pikes (being from the Uk yourself I am sure you know what that term means, think Jeremy Kyle)!

 

Trippi, thank you, you have nailed it! I am not desperate, if I were I would have accepted the offers I have had, for example from the guy whose wife left him 8 weeks previous to trying to strike up a relationship with me, rebound, so I said no.

 

I am frustrated because you are quite right, I am ready and open to a relationship but not just with anyone, not someone who would be damaging for me in some way and I cannot find someone who isn't a pike, a drug addict, into hardcore BDSM, mentally ill, a wife beater or out for a one night stand...yes, ALL experiences I have had since dating again and personally I think those are all good reasons for one date and then calling it off.

[Steadfast]

You are right willow. I don't think I'd be as happy without my lady as I am with her. But relationship bliss has not cleared all of my issues. I'm no better, or in a better place than you or anyone without a SO. And, when I didn't have one, people were not better or better off than me. We were just in a different place. You are on the journey willow. Your journey.

 

You do not strike me as desperate. You do strike me as picky...someone who knows what she wants. That, and only that is why I continue to post responses to you. I can relate to your position because -like many of your LS friends here- I lived it. I survived losing what I thought was my life. Being picky is a good thing. It puts you in a good place. Here's an example:

 

After some months of dating I told my girlfriend I wasn't interested in dating anyone else. I was pretty sure she felt the same way, but didn't know for sure. Happily, she did. Like you, she's attractive, educated and creative. She is quite a catch and had other options. Humility is strength.

 

Sometime after that she told me she was glad she did not commit to any of the other men she had dated, and expressed to me she had really begun to question if she would ever meet someone she could really connect with. From my end, I too was happy...not happy that she had to attend school functions alone with her ex husband and his GF (who he cheated on her with) nearby. Not happy that she had to spend holidays, birthdays or attend weddings alone. Not happy that her mother questioned her decisions or that her friends worried. But I am happy she waited. For me.

 

For seven years. And, older than you by ten. The view is different from the other end willow. But we're in a different place. Do you deny this too?

 

I still have no dating tips, and will stick by the advice I already posted. I can say that younger men have less fear (usually not seeking commitment or approval) and see 'older' women as a conquest. Many men may be intimidated by your profession...thinking they may not meet certain financial or social standards. Men fear getting hurt too willow, not just women. I have no idea what you're giving off, but it may be a good idea to consider how certain comments or postures effect a man's attraction level.

 

As for what's been posted here, may I suggest you take the time to determine the difference between criticism and encouragement? You may have some very good reasons, but your defensiveness seems unwarranted considering that most people I've read on your threads just want to help.

 

Take it as you will. You have every right to post what you wish, but IMO your friends here are guilty of nothing more than responding with good intentions. If I may, I'll encourage you to recognize life's timetable. Let it work for you. You've been advised to get out and connect in a healthy way. I agree!!

Edited December 8, 2011 by Steadfast

[tojaz]

Willow, I think there is a lot of advice here from Trippi and Steadfast both, and it is hard to add anything new without repeating a lot of the things that have already been said.

 

I think a lot of it has to do with what your looking for, and where your looking. Most people in bars and clubs aren't really portraying themselves as life-partner material, that"s what bars and clubs are for. Great for socializing if thats your thing, but not great for judging a persons character very deeply. There's a good chance that your not really in your element either Willow and that sort of thing shows. I know I'm not showcasing the things I'm the most proud of in a bar.

 

Willow, your plenty attractive and have no trouble catching the attention of men. Your best traits, the ones that attract someone looking for a committed relationship (and the men more in your social group) are not on display and it takes a while of getting to know you to see how much you truly have to offer.

 

My advice Willow, pushing the "wait and let love find you" approach to the side, is to look in places where you feel confident and comfortable, a place where you feel 100% in your element so you are putting your absolute best foot forward. You put your best on display, people will take notice. The right people!

 

Besides, in all the times you picture Mr. Right, where would he be on a Saturday night? I doubt its trolling the clubs or bent over a bar.

 

TOJAZ

[willowthewisp]

Last night I went out to some different bars, bars for older people, over 25's but there are a lot of men my age and older. I thought this might help. I was wrong.

 

My freind and I sat at a table and were quite happy chatting away with a drink and two guys come over and sit down. Didn't ask just sat down and started to say how my friend and I looked posh. Now, I'm not posh, far from it, but I suppose in comparision to the massive number of rednecks (chav's, pikes) in the area where I live, I am I guess?

 

So I guess I was right, point one, men aren't approaching or interested because I am so socially different to them and they can tell this from how I look, apparently I look "well kept/looked after".

 

As we are chatting one mentions his wife! Sure enough, look down and both of them have wedding rings on. They say they are out on their work Christmas party and just want to chat, that's all.

 

Long story short...for the rest of the night we end up in the same bars (trying to go to ones for older people) and I have to endure one of them constantly grabbing my ass, trying to get me to dance with him and asking if I was "into affairs"! Kept telling him to go away, go home to his wife and children! I would never do that, I didn't like him touching me etc.

 

This is the class of men I get to meet!

 

Man number 2 - older bar again, tells me he is 29. Get chatting about highschool, he realises my age and then admits he is 39, he told me 29 because he thought I looked younger.

 

Point two - again I was right, I am attracting younger men because I look younger than I am.

 

Good start, a lie! Next thing he gets real nasty with my friend for no reason, calls her a b****. We leave.

 

Bars and clubs probably aren't the best place to meet someone decent, so where is? Where else am I going to meet someone?

 

I really want to find a loving and caring relationship, I do not have any love in my life, not from anyone, not family, there is not one single person on this planet who cares if I am ok...what did I ever do to my ex to deserve this years upon years of torment?

[andyg99]

and I have to endure one of them constantly grabbing my ass, trying to get me to dance with him and asking if I was "into affairs"!

 

I don't get it? why did you have to "endure" that? why didn't you give him a black eye and tell him to f-off after the first time?

[willowthewisp]

I don't get it? why did you have to "endure" that? why didn't you give him a black eye and tell him to f-off after the first time?

 

I don't hit people, I'm a nice reserved person so I politely told him no and left.

 

Besides which getting my ass grabed as I cross a crowded bar is not uncommon, it is something women all over this counrty experience every Saturday night from men, sadly...it seems a lot of men do not see anything wrong with this, it is of course very disrespectful.

 

Trouble was they kept appearing everywhere we went and so the behaviour was repeated and again I left and again ran into them again and again I left and so on.

 

Top it all off he told me I wasn't getting dates because my hair was too safe and I needed to make myself look dirtier with sexier hair. I'm very proud of my hair, was very hurtful to hear, even though I know it should not effect me from such a person

Edited December 11, 2011 by willowthewisp

[jaymz]

You come across as "posh" because you are the complete opposite of the other women in your area, ie: educated, employed, clean hair, dress sense, speak english, have morals, manners, driven, goals, etc. Tojaz has a great suggestion, doing something you love and enjoy and maybe find someone that has the same interests? I dont believe that all the guys in your area are the same!

 

If they are, then maybe the best advise is from Rob...

[jaymz]

This is not my work but may give us all something to think about:

 

STEP 1:

I want you to dash off a quick list of the top characteristics you want in the women you meet in life.

 

We'll take "Attractive" as a given.

 

Maybe you'd also like her to be caring... intelligent...outgoing and generous...sensitive ...whatever.

 

STEP 2:

Once you have these characteristics in hand, I want you to start thinking about your life as it is RIGHT NOW.

 

Really think about it.

 

In DETAIL.

 

In other words, start thinking about all the travel, tasks, errands, and recreation that are part of your day-to-day experience.

 

This could be the small stuff you do on a regular basis, like grocery shopping or walking Fido at the dog park.

 

It could be grabbing a kick-ass mocha at the corner cafe every morning, or jogging, or going to the gym.

 

Again...WHATEVER.

 

Make a list of these things.

 

Then make that list MUCH LONGER by adding places and activities you've always wanted to ADD to your life.

 

These are things you've always wanted to do but have been putting off, like learning how to skydive or snowboard.

 

Maybe it's stuff you used to do and would like to start doing again, like taking classes or playing a sport.

 

Then, once you have your full list of "life activities" together, it's time to move on to:

 

STEP 3:

I now want you to "cross-reference" the 2 lists you just made.

 

Basically, see where they OVERLAP...where the places that you go in life (or would LIKE to start going) cross paths with the kind of women you'd like to meet.

 

By doing this, you'll immediately see how your life needs to **CHANGE** if you want to start meeting the kinds of women you'd like to connect with.

 

You just need to TAKE ACTION...and MAKE IT HAPPEN.

 

Meaning it's up to you to actually DO something...to start rearranging your life and your routine in ways that will AUTOMATICALLY start CHANGING THINGS for you.

 

Because, truth is, even making just a small "tweak" can have a HUGE impact on your love life.

 

And, if you're willing to go even further, the impact can then be even BIGGER... it's up to YOU how far you want to go to start living your dreams.

 

But no matter what you do, one fact remains:

 

If you're reading this now, what you're doing at the moment JUST ISN'T WORKING.

[updown]

i don't really have any dating advice for you. i have been single for 2.5 yrs now. and honestly, it was the best thing i could do for myself. i have met some interesting people the past couple months, and some down right scary people.

 

i've been hit on by the younger men too. which is just random in my opinion. but, honestly, taking this time to focus on ME has been the best thing i could have done. it's been really wonderful. it has also helped me realize that i don't NEED a man. i may want one and really like having one, but i by no means NEED one!

 

and realizing that makes it easier to be picky and less likely to lower my standards even as to HOW i'm going to meet someone. i'm not going to go into a bar to meet someone. that much i know. the only reason i would do that is to meet those 20something guys for a one night stand. and since i don't do that, i'm not going to put myself in that position.

 

i like to DO things. so i figure that the best way for me to meet someone is by doing the things i enjoy doing!!! make a list of things you like to do, and then go out, even if you have to go alone. and DO THEM!!!!

[2.50 a gallon]

Willow

 

Not all of us guys are that way, I keep my hands to my self.

 

But there was this time, that I met this hippie girl, whose first words to me were "Whos biting my ass?" We did have something going for while, but both of us were still young and both of us still wanted some play time, and when the talks did get serious, how could we ever tell our kids how we met?

 

Here is another thought, one of the reasons my lady and I have lasted so long is that we have a lot in common in values and intersts. Love of cats and dogs, love of cartoon charcters, planting flowers, tropical fish, decorating for the holidays, and yes last night we baked our third batch of Christmas cookies and others that I can't list as I would like to remain annonymous.

 

What are your hobbies or interests? Cake decorating, hiking, rock climbing, cross country biking, tropical fish, orchid growing, doll house building are just some random possibilities.

 

Why not join a internet group that shares your interests? Not with the idea meeting a guy, but just meeting others who have similar interests, by doing so you learn more about your interests, you move on in life and who knows what could happen, or who you might meet. Maybe some guy living 30 miles away that you never meet in your local bar.

 

I am also a member of several groups in Yahoo Groups and most of us are spread around the world, but over the years I have met several of the members who have the same hobbies.

 

 

 

 

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[willowthewisp]

Willow

 

Not all of us guys are that way, I keep my hands to my self.

 

But there was this time, that I met this hippie girl, whose first words to me were "Whos biting my ass?" We did have something going for while, but both of us were still young and both of us still wanted some play time, and when the talks did get serious, how could we ever tell our kids how we met?

 

Here is another thought, one of the reasons my lady and I have lasted so long is that we have a lot in common in values and intersts. Love of cats and dogs, love of cartoon charcters, planting flowers, tropical fish, decorating for the holidays, and yes last night we baked our third batch of Christmas cookies and others that I can't list as I would like to remain annonymous.

 

What are your hobbies or interests? Cake decorating, hiking, rock climbing, cross country biking, tropical fish, orchid growing, doll house building are just some random possibilities.

 

Why not join a internet group that shares your interests? Not with the idea meeting a guy, but just meeting others who have similar interests, by doing so you learn more about your interests, you move on in life and who knows what could happen, or who you might meet. Maybe some guy living 30 miles away that you never meet in your local bar.

 

I am also a member of several groups in Yahoo Groups and most of us are spread around the world, but over the years I have met several of the members who have the same hobbies.

 

 

 

 

.

 

I don't have any interests, not in the that you and Jaymz describe anyway.

 

Things I enjoy are watching dvds, chatting online, shopping, reading, swimming, walking on the beach, walking round markets, coffee shops, seeing friends and going out to bars/clubs with my friends for a dance on a saturday night.

 

There isn't anything that I have always wanted to try and haven't, apart from learning to knit. I have no interest in salsa classes or anything like that and even if I had, I do not have the time to go. I commute to work over 3 hours a day and do not get home until late. By the time I have made dinner, cleaned up and showered it is gone 9 pm and I have to leave at 6am in the morning. On a weekend I have chores to do and my driving lesson.

 

There aren't any meet up groups in my area other than a book club which meets when I am at work and is full of married women with children.

 

I think I'm just going to give up altogether and resign myself to the fact that I will always be alone now. It'll be OK, it's not what I would like for myself but I don't need a man, I would have liked a shared life, children, but it seems I am not going to be one of the fortunate ones.

[Steen719]

Willow,

I am not sure how old you are...I'm thinking mid or late 30s? Have you thought about artificial insemination or adoption? I'm not being sarcastic; I really mean it. Children add a lot to your life. Just a suggestion.

[Gunny376]

The first thing that you should do is quit looking! It really is just that simple. Build and design a life around you and yours (if you have children ~ and certaily you have family and friends.) Do what brings you true joy and happiness and life.

 

A spouse/mate should be someone that compliments that life and your choices in life and vice~versa. That can sometimes be hard to come by?

 

Its hard to find someone that loves you ~ I mean truly loves you! For who and what you are and as your are. If and when you do? Whatever you do? DON'T SCREW IT UP!!!!

 

Don't ever pursue another ~ be you a man or a woman. Be like a vluture and wait for them to come to you. I've had a little gal after me for the last eight years and we're getting married next month. Its only been the last year or so that I've warmed up to the idea of letting her into my life completely and whole heartly. She is one of the few people in this world that I can honestly say that I trust completly ~ and that's saying a lot.

 

You havet to understand that at your age ~ most men have already been married at least if not more than once ~ aka burned ~ and once bitten ~ twice shy.

 

Many women (and men) are shallow, naracisstic, selfish, self centered. I wouldn't give you the time of the day. At this point in the game your looking for quality, charcther, substance. It generally takes men a little longer to get that message in life ~ Mr Reality has to whop that azz a couple of time being they are as hard headed as they are.

 

Even if you live your life single and alone the rest of your life that's not such a bad thing now is it. Far,l far better that that a trail of failed relationship and a river of tears over the years.

 

After I got out of my last LTR, I told myself ~ "Self! You need to quit being a fool and get your azz back into school. And so I started educating myself and reading books about men & women, relationships, the differences between men and women, observing others.

 

My recommendaton is that you work and concentrate on you and your happiness ~ that's someething that comes from within and not through the validation of another. If you need and seek the validation of another than that says you need to pull back and re-group and do some work on yourself.

 

To be honest at 54 I could honestly give a good damn if I'm ever get into another relationship. But I'm going to. Because she's won my trust and confidence and trust over the course of the last eight years.

 

Last Spring I fell out in my place and was laid out for about fourteen hours. ("Help I've fallen and can't get up!!") Were it not for her I would still be lying there with a broken femur. She was in another State and she raised such Hell that the Police finally came out and checked on me.

 

As I said quit looking and that's when you'll meet the right guy in the right place at the right time.

 

A lot of times we pray and God answers our prayers and at other timess He doesn't. That's because a lot of times some of the greastest blessing he can bestow upon us is "un-answered Prayers" because He's knows what's best for us. At other times He doesn't answer them because He's leaving it up to us. Because like any good parent He knows and trust that we can do it on our own if we just try.

 

Finally when (I didn't "if" ~ the definition of "if" is "If grasshoppers had forty-five caliber pistols crows wouldn't mess with them! ) But when you do find the guy that's right for you?

 

Remember this! New friends are like diamonds and old friends are like gold. Diamonds need gold for their base ~ so in the course of pursuing diamonds? Don't forget the GOLD!

[trippi1432]

Wow...a voice from the past has risen!! :bunny:

 

Glad to know Gunny is still alive and well...and "gulp" getting married??? Wow!! :love: So happy to see you old friend!! You have been missed!!

 

Willow - a lot to be said in Gunny's post, as always. You can't make love out of nothing, I tried that...it gets you hurt. And you can spend a large part of your lifetime with the wrong person for what you think are the right reasons...sometimes they aren't.

 

When we think about finding love as a pre-determined place and time when things are "right" with our life, we forget one thing. There has to be another person who is thinking that way too. It's easy to find someone who just wants a thrill, a relationship with no commitment and just wants to go through the motions....it's another to find someone who wants to share a life. Either can be found anywhere, anytime to be honest....it's what you have to give to the relationship and whether they have anything to give or are at that place to want to. It's a hard, hard place to be when you are ready.

 

In my case, I had been dating my boyfriend for a month....I had to make a choice. Like Gunny's post...it's when you stop and see what you really want and make that choice. I could have easily gone back to the guy I had been seeing before my boyfriend, and made the wrong choice. In that first month of dating my boyfriend, I didn't know he was the one until he put his arm around me at a party and I felt safe....that was when we had our first kiss. Don't waste kisses on men who aren't worth it...the guy who is worth it will wait until you are ready because he already is. Love takes time....sometimes a month...sometimes many months..sometimes years. Our clocks are ours..the man who impressed me was the man who patiently waited on me to get it right...who, when I beat myself up, tells me not to talk about the woman he loves like that...the man who loves you for being you and the one that you love for just being him.

 

No one can tell you where that is, it's just something that happens when you believe in yourself and know what you want and you find someone who thinks that same way too. Even with all the pikes and degenerates in the world (and personally, telling a guy off who smacks your a** is legitimate in any country, your body is yours), there are amazing men out there who should find you equally amazing....the right man will treat you like a lady, the one you put out there....posh or not.