My Husband isn't Sexually Attracted to Me

[Bettyboop7499]

It started when I was pregnant with our son and became worse after child birth. My husband said he was traumatized by the child birth TEN YEARS AGO. He finally told me when our son was five that he wasn't sexually attracted to me but he loved me so much. He said that it wasn't that I wasn't physically attractive. I have tried everything, I gave him time, I loved him, we have only had sex on his terms, quickies when he's horny, I think he has tried but it's just not something you can force on yourself, right? He can't make himself attracted to me? I once asked him if there was anything I could do to help him feel more attracted to me and he said, "well, maybe if you wore makeup more often"... Hurtful!! Now I know this was just a futile response. He says he loves me and I believe him but how do I get him to realize he doesn't love me in the way I need or deserve to be loved. I need passion, I didn't to feel and know that I turn my man on! That's what makes me feel sexy. I'm so alone and I'm so sad. What do I do?

[Eddie Edirol]

That wasnt a futile response, that was truth. You might want to find out more truth from him. Wear more makeup like he asked. Wear sexier clothes. Dont be so eager to show him your changes. Let him come after you. Do it like you did when you were single. He probably is one of those men that loses sexual interest in their wives once they become a mother. Did you gain weight? Do you look like you were when you were first married? If not, gotta get back into shape. BTW, love and attraction are NOT the same thing, and it isnt guaranteed with marriage, as you have found out. You have to make yourself attractive to him again, and you cant be needy about it. you need to feel sexy for yourself, not for him. He cant get that attraction for you when he knows you NEED him to.

[Bettyboop7499]

I say futile because I do wear makeup, he likes it but it hasn't made a difference. I haven't gained weight. I don't look exactly like I looked before baby but pretty darn close. He actual said he likes me better thicker. He likes my hair long so I grow it out then he says he likes it better short... I try being sexy but he just laughs at me. And I know how to be sexy. I have never had a man not want to have sex with me. I don't understand! I'm not an overly needy person, because of our situation we are military, my life has basically revolved around him. He gets jealous if I don't pay enough attention to him, say if I try to have my own interest and life like I was before we married he gets all huffy about it but he says that's one of the things he fell in love with... So which is it?

[Eddie Edirol]

If he gets huffy when youre not paying attention to him, then you need to do more of that. You need to get your own life again, if you can in the military. make yourself less available so he can feel some jealousy. he needs to know that you dont need him. he neds to know what it feels like when you dont push him for sex, or anything for that matter. At least 50% of the men that abandon their women are getting sex someplace else. Hopefully thats not the case with your husband.

[whichwayisup]

My husband said he was traumatized by the child birth TEN YEARS AGO.

This is the issue here! His issue with the above. Not you having long or short hair, wearing makeup or not, too skinny, too big.. This is HIS problem HE needs to sort out and deal with by doing therapy. Something happened to him that either grossed him out or turned him off during the birth of your child..His child. This isn't your fault. Nor is it his, but the way he is handling it IS wrong. He should want to love you intimately, be with you in bed, want to please you..Make you feel good. He hasn't made any effort to work through his own stuff..

[Bettyboop7499]

Thank you both for your honesty.

 

Eddie- your right I do need to get my own life and not just for him but for myself.

 

Whichwayisup- you too are correct. I've asked him on many occasion to go into marriage counseling and he has refused but maybe that is something he needs to do on his own. He was grossed out and I thought he just needed time but time hasn't done it. Maybe we both need therapy, I need to figure out how to forgive him for rejecting me in the worse way possible. I need to find myself again.

 

Thanks again for the advice.

[The Blue Knight]

You have an issue here that may be hard to overcome because it appears your husband has lost the chemistry connection with you. For beginners I would suggest reading some books by Gary Smalley, Gary Chapman, and Willard Harley. They are books he would need to read as well. These men have a Christian worldview but their advise is very sound.

 

You're not saying he's repulsed by you so I think there's hope in that regard.

 

One thing to consider. Is there any possibility he's found someone else and he's just staying in the marriage for other reasons? I only ask because his behavior is indicative of a man who has found sexual fulfillment elsewhere. He only uses you for a "quickie" with no emotional connection which makes me a bit suspicious.

[Bettyboop7499]

I've already ask him this but he said no of course. How should I find this out?

[The Blue Knight]

I've already ask him this but he said no of course. How should I find this out?

Men who get involved in affairs often begin to withdraw from their wives emotionally, physically, and sexually. Sometimes with that come comments about the marriage not being what they expected. It depends on if he's in the affair for sex alone or if he is intent on removing himself from the marriage.

 

Does he have time during the week that can't be accounted for or where you might think he's somewhere else?

[The Blue Knight]

It's conceivable that he's being honest but at the same time I don't see a guy who is no longer attracted to his wife (for ten long years) remaining completely faithful, particularly when he's not having regular sexual relations with his wife.

 

Not to get too personal but you said he occasionally gets horny and then will do a quickie.

 

Couple of questions:

 

1. How often does this occur?

 

2. Does he try to satisfy you in the process?

 

I'm asking because I'm trying to determine what's really going on with him. If I wasn't attracted to my wife and I still loved her I don't think it would be a huge task to still have sexual relations and want to satisfy her.

 

Being repulsed or turned off is an entirely different thing but I don't think your husband is coming across that way. I'm reading him as aloof. Can take it or leave it attitude.

[sailorwoman]

Hi Betty. I'm sorry to read about your troubles.

 

When you and your husband have sex, do you ever feel like he makes love to you or does it feel like he's just getting the job done or just using you for an orgasm?

 

Is he emotionally distant?

 

I'd have to agree with some of the other posters that I'd be concerned that he is finding sexual satisfaction elsewhere - either another woman or porn.

 

Is it possible that your husband is a heavy user of porn? If a man gets use to looking a hundreds of naked women during any given porn session to be stimulated then eventually that self conditioning causes him to no longer be stimulated by his wife/fiance/girlfriend that he sees everday. Its not so much their appearance as the lack of novelty that prevents the man from being stimulated.

 

If you suspect your husband is becoming addicted to porn, your answer likely lies in his computer or phone and/or credit card/bank statements. You can directly ask him, but if he is addicted he'll likely lie....either because he is embarrased or doesn't want to hurt your or doesn't want to stop using.

 

In the meantime though, I would keep myself looking nice: wear make-up, keep your hair and nails done, dress sexy but classy, go to the gym, engage in some of your own interests, etc. Don't do this stuff for him. Do it for you! If you look good, you feel good ! Don't let his lack of attraction tear down your self esteem. I suspect this is HIS issue, not yours.

[Bettyboop7499]

Hi,

 

First Thank you for trying to help me. I have felt so alone in this so I really appreciate you all.

 

He never makes love to me, he is not interested in pleasing me. One time after he finished I said I REALLY need this, he said, "go ahead" and then turned on the TV. There is nothing wrong with quickies, I enjoy them as well but when that is all and only one person is climaxing, it isn't good. I can't remember the last time he kissed me, like a man kisses a woman other than his Mother.

 

As for how often, once every 1-2 months. As I mentioned, we are military family, he was leaving for a 1 year deployment and he didn't touch me the night before he left or the night before that and so on. And I wanted to.

 

As for an affair, it has crossed my mind more than once.

[BetheButterfly]

You know, this type of selfish, downright nasty behavior goes so BEYOND someone simply not finding you "sexually attractive." The complete and utter disrespect and disregard for YOU as a person and a woman is downright disgusting - but it speaks volumes.

 

And I hate to say it, but cheating is so rampant in the military that it's to the point of embarrassment. I think you know deep down that this guy has been involved with someone (or a few someones) for probably a good 9 or 10 years. I think you'd be kidding yourself if you think he's remained sexless for the last 10 years. He's just remained sexless at HOME - but will use you occasionally as a receptical during a quickie. How charming.

 

Why are you wasting your life on this guy? Stop jumping around like a trained seal hoping to get his attraction. Don't cut your hair, don't grow your hair, don't put on more makeup or anything else unless it's for YOU.

 

The only thing you should do for this ass is divorce him.

 

Unless you still want to be in this same crap situation 2 or 4 or 8 years from now?

 

I agree with this poster.

 

Sad to say, he is complacent is his way of life which is basically using you when he wants. It does sound like he has another outlet for his sexual desires too, though of course I don't know. However, I would question if he's completely straight or if he is seeing other women. His behavior is not conducive to a committed, loving relationship.

 

Are you close to your family or do you have good friends where you and your son can stay? I would advise you to separate from him and let him make his decision whether he will change his routine to include you, or not. I am sorry to say that, because normally separations and divorces should be a last resort, but you have stated you have tried pleasing him.

 

One thing you should NOT do is just stay stagnant in this situation you are in. A separation might wake him up.

[The Blue Knight]

Hi,

 

First Thank you for trying to help me. I have felt so alone in this so I really appreciate you all.

 

He never makes love to me, he is not interested in pleasing me. One time after he finished I said I REALLY need this, he said, "go ahead" and then turned on the TV. There is nothing wrong with quickies, I enjoy them as well but when that is all and only one person is climaxing, it isn't good. I can't remember the last time he kissed me, like a man kisses a woman other than his Mother.

 

As for how often, once every 1-2 months. As I mentioned, we are military family, he was leaving for a 1 year deployment and he didn't touch me the night before he left or the night before that and so on. And I wanted to.

 

As for an affair, it has crossed my mind more than once.

 

Betty, you clearly have a man who has a sexual outlet somewhere else. Another woman? Several women? Pornography? Something is feeding that need because it's not you. As someone else posted the military is a haven for cheating. I think it's part of the "manly macho culture" that comes with the territory.

 

Any man who truly LOVES his wife is first of all more worried about pleasing his wife in bed than himself. I have always put my satisfaction second to my wife's.

 

When a husband is treating you like a brothel quickie with no interest on whether you came or didn't come, pulls out and turns on the TV, your marriage is pretty much over and I feel bad telling you that but I'd rather you heard it straight up.

 

I'm not sure why he's still in the marriage because I obviously don't know him or what motivates him. But rest assured, he's not in love with you and he most surely doesn't care about your needs or he would never treat you that way.