Emotional Wreck...

[hooliganization]

I am going through an emotional rampage. First I was disappointed in my career choice. I got my BA and want to continue to graduate school but right now I don't know what I want to do. I don't want to waste my time or money on something I'm not sure I'd like to do for the rest of my life. Then my boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me. To add to the emotional distress a week later my mother had a tumor diagnosed and had it surgerically removed and has been in the hospital for 3 weeks. Two of my mother's sisters were diagnosed with cancer in the past and passed away shortly after having surgery.

 

I'm trying to cope, I just don't know how. I have massive ups and downs. I'd rather not worry about losing my mother so I think about losing my first love. When I'm okay, and feel positive that it was for the best my groove is ruined because my subconscious mind (my dreams) i wake up in a crappy mood thinking about him.

 

Right after our 5 year anniversary my boyfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. We had a good relationship. Never cheated. Never fought. We were always together. He'd do more for my family than even I did. I know he cared and loved me. I don't know what happened. I felt it when he started being indifferent. He wasn't the same. I confronted him shortly after our anniversary, he didn't do anything special that day. He didn't make a big deal like the past years. He said he's complacent. He doesn't want to settle. That broke my heart.

 

When I confronted him he started crying also, said he didn't know what he felt. He thought it was a phase so he didn't mention anything to me. He said he'd have to get back to me. He said he wanted to keep seeing me, because I'm his best friend. I do want to be his friend, but I know I can't right now. I need to get over him. I loved him. It just hurts. He was my first everything.

 

I suspect it was another girl. He admitted later to liking her. They are hanging out a lot. I had his e-mail password. I asked him to change it.

 

My dog (my baby!) ran away after coming home from the hospital that first week. I LOST IT. I had a melt down. I gave in and asked him to help make a poster. We found her in the dog pound.

 

He called me for my birthday and said he'd hang out. He did call later (I was in the hospital) I called him. He didn't call back. That hurt. To add to that he knows mom's ill. He didn't even mention her or ask how she was doing. He e-mailed me to tell me he still cared and he still wanted to be friends. But he's not acting like one. I told him i need to get a phone to get myself out there. He said he's not ready to talk about me getting myself out there, but agrees that I should see other people. I don't understand him. I just want to know what's going through his head.

 

I lost my best friend. It feels really like he was my only friend. I told and did everything with him. Now that the finally has his own deal going on (he didn't have friends) he abandoned me. He said he was being selfish by asking me to wait around for him. He's got no job. He's got no degree.

 

Facebook makes things complicated. I can't stop looking at his. There is no status posts. All my pictures (on FB) have him in it, or are a reminder of when I was with him. I don't know if I should delete them. They're all the good memories I've had.

 

I know I made a mistake by abandoning all my friends and spending all my free time with him. I didn't need a cellphone to KIT with others. All I needed was him.I spent every single day with him, did everything with him. Everything I like and enjoy. I've lost my sense of identity.

 

I want to leave. I can't. I have to stay and be here for Mom, I want to be here for Mom. I feel like I'm waisting my time, because I don't know what to do with my career. I have a BA ...i just got disappointed by pay and the situation.

 

I wanted to join the peace corps, but he asked me not to. He said I had to wait for him.

 

I don't know how to cope. I'm not a very social person. Now I'm spending my free time in the hospital with Mom and I don't feel okay when I go out to "party" while she's there.

 

Please any suggestions, or advice. I need help.

[solobeary]

You poor thing That sounds awful. What a run of terrible luck you've had, as if the break up wasn't enough...

 

If you think it's a new girl, 99% chance it is. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t251986/

you may be able to relate to this thread.

 

I don't know much about the peace corps, but when I was travelling in Eastern Europe I met quite a few people who were participating in it. They seemed to have a great experience, learnt things, met new friends, saw the world, etc. If your mum is having her operation soon then could you organise to join the peace corps in 6 months time or so once she's recovered? It'd give you something to look forward to, and an opportunity to completely forget about the ex and do something for yourself and your future.

 

Best of luck and welcome to loveshack

[hooliganization]

Thanks Solobeary, the link you posted helped. I know I got to stay headstrong. I know there's hope. World just seems a little bleak, I don't think the WINTER season (short days) are helping any either. I need to go to your end of the hemisphere.