No contact, breakups and Facebook

[SelfCentered]

Hello

 

I know these points are made a lot by fellow members, but I figure new people come on these boards every day so it couldn't hurt to have a new thread stating what you eventually realise is the obvious:

 

Being no contact (if you haven't seen it, refer to this excellent old thread on why NC is a MUST) means deleting them from Facebook.

 

 

• Even if you just check their page every now and then, and never comment or correspond, you're still engaging with their life and hindering your healing.
  

 

• Likewise, if you keep putting statuses up like "I'm stronger because of this!" or "Going out partying tonight!" to make them jealous then YOU'RE still LIVING for THEM.
   
  I worked with a girl abroad who had a sad story. She tried to keep a long distance relationship, found out she was pregnant within a week of moving and then found out her bf had been cheating on her for a while. Her way of dealing with it was to put as her status everyday "wooo loving life!". Clearly, she wasn't loving life and simply trying to get a reaction out of him.
   
  This is NOT helpful to you.
  
• The obvious. Seeing them making new friends, seeing someone of the opposite sex comment on their wall, wondering what they're doing, wondering what this all means....These thoughts drive you INSANE.
  

 

The point of NC is to HEAL. Not, as some people think, to make your ex despair into coming back to you.

 

I recently saw a brilliant article which explains this better than I have. Here's an extract:

 

"I hate to break it to you, but visiting your ex’s various web pages—even if there’s no interaction—is a form of contact and is just as unhealthy as talking, emailing or texting with her. Stop it, stop it, stop it.

 

Visiting your ex’s web pages is worse than going through your old scrapbook, photos, letters or emails or mentally revisiting whatever happy moments or infrequent episodes of normalcy that you shared. These events are in the past. Actively remembering them is an unhealthy and masochistic form of nostalgia.

 

 

Keeping yourself abreast of her current activities online creates fresh pain for you every time you do it. The same holds true for well-intentioned news updates. If friends, colleagues or family members are carrying tales about her latest misadventures, respectfully and firmly tell them that you prefer not to hear about her anymore. The pain is supposed to stop once the relationship ends."

 

 

I say this as somebody who recently deleted their ex from FB. I should have done it before, weeks ago. I did it during my last bad breakup and it helped so much. I just thought that this time around I'd matured to the point that I could handle seeing her page. I thought I could handle going on FB and NOT clicking on their profile.

 

 

I couldn't handle it.

 

 

FB is the devil. For my generation it certainly dictates our social life and many aspects of our relationship. This in itself is a sad fact, but that's another issue for another day.

 

 

What you can do is take control now and delete them. There is nothing to gain by keeping them around.

 

 

It doesn't make you a bitter, jealous or angry person. Anyone who says so is unrealistic. It simply makes you human. You can't let go and move on if the thing you're lamenting is up in your face every minute of every day.

 

 

Personally, I sent an email off to her explaining why I was doing it. It was a mature, friendly, pleasant message saying that although I bear her no ill will, I can't move on properly without doing this. I told her to take care, and I said that I hoped one day we would be in a position to talk again.

 

 

 

It was a hard thing to do because it was like cutting the last chord.

 

 

 

But when we let someone go, we often do it because it's what they want/need. In this healing stage, we have to do what is best for us.

[fenderjames]

Excellent post . Congrats on breaking the last cord .

[sunflower11]

I know my ex's password to his email and pretty much his various profiles on dating sites. I admit up until last week it was so tempting to go check who he was talking to, what he was saying..and I felt that it actually helped me cause I realized what kind of person he was and I felt that I wanted him less and less with every new piece of information (pretty much he's a creepy horny bastard who is going after single moms cause he figures they must be desperate enough to have sex with him). After a while, I felt like I was still so connected to him and I was so curious to know what he was doing but I have stopped engaging in that behavior. You are right, it doesn't let me heal because I am still thinking about him and it hurts to know all of this. I've also stopped looking at his youtube account (luckily he doesn't have a facebook) and his personal blog, etc. It is soo very hard to fully disconnect yourself but I know in my heart I really want to put him behind so this is what I must do.

[SelfCentered]

I know my ex's password to his email and pretty much his various profiles on dating sites. I admit up until last week it was so tempting to go check who he was talking to, what he was saying..and I felt that it actually helped me cause I realized what kind of person he was and I felt that I wanted him less and less with every new piece of information (pretty much he's a creepy horny bastard who is going after single moms cause he figures they must be desperate enough to have sex with him). After a while, I felt like I was still so connected to him and I was so curious to know what he was doing but I have stopped engaging in that behavior. You are right, it doesn't let me heal because I am still thinking about him and it hurts to know all of this. I've also stopped looking at his youtube account (luckily he doesn't have a facebook) and his personal blog, etc. It is soo very hard to fully disconnect yourself but I know in my heart I really want to put him behind so this is what I must do.

 

 

That's interesting, him not having a FB but still being all over the place online.

 

I think it's the right decision for you. I wouldn't even want to log into my ex's FB page even if I could. God knows what kind of things guys are saying to her.

 

Admittedly, since I posted this earlier and deleted my ex I've hit a bout of anxiety, mainly regarding whether she'll reply to the email I sent her confirming it. A part of me wants her to and a part doesn't.

 

But yes. In the long run, it's the best thing!

[TheJiltedGeneration]

yea man I can vouch for all this especially, did the shameful thing and checked facebook ( via a second account) and well while there was barely anything on there , one of my friends added her on. just weird cause when she talked to me about her she seemed to be distainful in some ways about her, I am fine if she wants to be her friend, just don't know who to trust I guess, so that left me guessing which is really bad..

 

so yea no matter how you feel dont do it if he/she really still had feelings about you then they would have contacted you already (something someone on this site told me , I already knew I guess but yea I was delusional) as you would have been way to important to let go. obviously cause they have not told you directly, they have no further interest, so yea use my little allegory of sorts as a means to avert any wayward notions ...

[sunflower11]

 

so yea no matter how you feel dont do it if he/she really still had feelings about you then they would have contacted you already (something someone on this site told me , I already knew I guess but yea I was delusional) as you would have been way to important to let go. obviously cause they have not told you directly, they have no further interest, so yea use my little allegory of sorts as a means to avert any wayward notions ...

 

This is so true. 2 weeks after he broke up with me..he said he truly loved me and just needed time for himself. He said he would keep in touch because he cared so much about me unlike all his other ex gf's whose existence he chose to ignore completely. Well it's been..2.5 months and I haven't heard anything from him at all but I have found all the profiles online and the things he says to other girls just to get them to sleep with him...so much for "caring about me and just needing a break from the relationship to sort himself out and his """depression""".

[bittersweet memories]

Excellent post! Thank you so much for this. I will be saving this as a reminder, when I have a moment of weakness.

[Dblock10]

i agree, i think you do it when you finally realise its all you can do. how long it takes to get you to that place is up to you and what happens but its ultimately time.

 

for me i still have my ex on fb, we broke up because of her travelling for half a year. but i haven't removed her from my fb. i haven't once looked on her profile. but i admit it has been hard seeing her profile pic change and her looking amazing and loving life. but yeah i think if i had deleted her sure ignorance is bliss but then curiosity would eventually get me.

 

so this way i can sometimes talk to her if we are both online and catch up. and who knows maybe ill meet her in the future. or sure she may go out with someone else and then it would hurt but then maybe life is to short to hold a grudge anyway

[Kamila]

Mmmmmmm...

 

I don't know about this blocking facebook.

 

I went no contact with my ex-boyfriend for some months now.

He told he'll never contact me again, cos he thought he was invading my privacy.

 

Since that last text message, I had hope of getting back together, I really had. And I didn't trust that last goodbye message. I thought he was bluffing.

 

He showed me that he wasn't bluffing ...

 

By 'accidentally' scrolling on his Facebook piccie (not on facebook website but through a notification to my normal account), I saw a mouth on mouth kissing picture of him and some new girl.

 

That opened my eyes and I knew he was over me and that I should do the same.

 

He showed to me and to the entire community that he was over me !

 

And since then no more text message, no nothing.

 

So Facebook made me move on you would think ? Yes, FB showed me I was replaced by someone else. My ex-bf gave me proof of that.

 

And I think someone said that if someone isn't contacting you, they don't have feelings for you anymore/too important to let go. I don't think that is true. I do have feelings for my ex, but I don't act on them. That's a huge difference. And he's the one who let me go.