Girls and their stupid "qualifying" comments.

[durkadurka]

Hi Guys,

 

I am wondering how you guys would handle this situation that I'm in. For the last few months my ex has been really challenging to handle, from calling me and crying on the phone that she isn't over me, to ignoring me, to all of these other things. Based upon some of her behaviour recently, I decided that keeping her in my life isn't really healthy. None the less, I care for her greatly, but she's done something in particular that really bothers me.

 

Every conversation that we have has some sort of 'qualifying' statement. E.g. 'I bought a new car' - 'I'm sitting at the front row in the club seats at the game' - 'I'm going to go jet skiing on a private lake', or 'I'm at the World Series' or some other thing that basically amounts bragging under the guise of general conversation.

 

The reality is that it's pretty tasteless to me. I come from a wealthy family, material goods don't impress me, rather it gives me the luxury of focusing on who people are as individuals, who they are, their kindness, gentleness and sweetness rather than what they have. Considering modern society's fixation with the material good, it's a refreshing approach on things that I really enjoy.

 

Without getting into details, 3 months ago I lost my job due to the economy, so I decided to return to school. I didn't want to ask my family for help, so I struggled along on my own, this isn't something that I hid from anyone. About 3 weeks ago, I get another passive bragging message from her saying she's at the game, in the first row, in the club seats blah blah blah. Not super impressed, but rather, disappointed in her lack of sensitivity to the issue, I called her out on it and basically we got into an argument and we haven't talked to each other since.

 

Here comes the uncomfortable part. She's been signing onto Skype a lot recently. This was a non issue for a long time since she never used it. She knows I'm on (she's only got 5 people on her skype, I know she's on. She hasn't deleted me, I haven't deleted her. I'm not really sure what to do about it.

 

On one hand I think I should just delete her, on the other hand, I also feel that I should talk to her about what's going on. I'm fairly certain she's been thinking about it too.

 

Just not sure if it's worth it any more. The reality is that I don't have even a month or a week to try to explain to this girl what's appropriate, I'm so busy on my own already, and the fact is that at 24 I shouldn't have to be explaining some of the stuff that I am. It's so tacky and unattractive.

[EgoJoe]

The next time you are both on Skype. Delete her. Also, congratulations at handling yourself with tact and sticking up for yourself without being a tool.

 

Do not indulge her contact anymore. If she ever gets half a brain she'll contact you in a manner that you will KNOW is acceptable and worth responding to.

[durkadurka]

The next time you are both on Skype. Delete her. Also, congratulations at handling yourself with tact and sticking up for yourself without being a tool.

 

Do not indulge her contact anymore. If she ever gets half a brain she'll contact you in a manner that you will KNOW is acceptable and worth responding to.

 

The last time I was kind of a tool, I said what she was doing was tacky and unattractive.

[HappyFlower]

Have to say its not just girls that do this.

My current ex does the same thing - I'm a student while he has a very highpaid job. In the periods post BU when we've text, I have made a point of never asking about what he's doing etc. Its not my business. But he made a point of telling me about being out of the country for a week with work, listing off all the things he's doing like new house, nights out, etc. Its massively insensitive, and I like you am fed up of trying to explain to a 27 year old why saying/doing certain things are inappropriate or insensitive. And he never apologises when I do

 

So I've given up, its not my problem anymore - we had a major row about this very thing last night, and he still thinks nothing he's said was being mean. Unfortunatly I don't think people like this will change - they believe what they say doesn't hurt anyone else or that you are 'wrong' for taking what they say in the way you have.

 

So delete her from Skype - if you continue to talk to her you will end up spending all your time explaining over and over again things that she should have learnt herself by now. Leave her to learn it from someone else, you've done all you could. If she still can't see it, nothing you say will make her change that.

 

Failing all that, tell her how unattractive you think her behaviour is

[durkadurka]

Have to say its not just girls that do this.

My current ex does the same thing - I'm a student while he has a very highpaid job. In the periods post BU when we've text, I have made a point of never asking about what he's doing etc. Its not my business. But he made a point of telling me about being out of the country for a week with work, listing off all the things he's doing like new house, nights out, etc. Its massively insensitive, and I like you am fed up of trying to explain to a 27 year old why saying/doing certain things are inappropriate or insensitive. And he never apologises when I do

 

So I've given up, its not my problem anymore - we had a major row about this very thing last night, and he still thinks nothing he's said was being mean. Unfortunatly I don't think people like this will change - they believe what they say doesn't hurt anyone else or that you are 'wrong' for taking what they say in the way you have.

 

So delete her from Skype - if you continue to talk to her you will end up spending all your time explaining over and over again things that she should have learnt herself by now. Leave her to learn it from someone else, you've done all you could. If she still can't see it, nothing you say will make her change that.

 

Failing all that, tell her how unattractive you think her behaviour is

 

I already did that

[HappyFlower]

I already did that

 

Hmm...you've told her how you feel about what she's doing, and she coninues to do it? Just delete her, do not contact her. If she is thinking about her behaviour and wants to talk properly about it, she knows where to find you, ie. call you and actually talk. Its not your job to explain why her behaviour is inapropriate anymore

[durkadurka]

Hmm...you've told her how you feel about what she's doing, and she coninues to do it? Just delete her, do not contact her. If she is thinking about her behaviour and wants to talk properly about it, she knows where to find you, ie. call you and actually talk. Its not your job to explain why her behaviour is inapropriate anymore

 

I've never really explicitly come out and tell her how I feel, rather, that I feel tha it's insensitive and left it at that. I feel that if you have to spell it out for someone, and tell them how they have to behave, they don't really learn anything.

 

The sad thing is that she will be like this, then come crying to me that she isn't over me. It's one giant mind f*ck.

[durkadurka]

Well this just got way more interesting, got a text from her brother today saying that he misses me and wants to fly up to see me sometime soon. When I said his sister wouldn't like that he said "She's just going to have to deal with it then, and if anything, she'll be jealous and can go **** herself."

[betterdeal]

What do you want to happen?

[durkadurka]

What do you want to happen?

 

Truth be told, I don't know, if she hasn't come around by now she probably won't and I'm not holding my breathe.

[betterdeal]

Right. She sounds like a right bind. How about telling her something pretty clear and straightforward, such as

 

I'

m

not your boyfriend.

 

If she doesn't get that, expand:

 

I don't want to hear about your escapades. It sounds like bragging. And I don't want to hear about how you aren't over me. It annoys me. If you want to be friends, fine, I'

m

cool with that, but the bragging and the emotional outbursts have to stop.

 

My opinion is you're holding the door open a bit too wide and it's hurting you both. Make a decision and be satisfied that, whatever it is, it was the best choice you could make at the time. Take a bit of ownership for steering this relationship (a friendship is a relationship in the wider sense of the word) to be something more profitable for you.

[J0N]

You know what to do. Cut ties and stop responding. Go NC. Follow the advice you gave to others in the past. Tell her to stop contacting you for a while.

 

ps. Since you mentioned the WS, I hope your not from Texas, that was a pretty epic collapse.

[J0N]

Sounds like it gives her an ego boost that she can still get a rise out of you.

 

From the sounds of it no healthy relationship is going to come out of this.

 

Were you close with her bro? If not I bet she got him to send that message.

[durkadurka]

Sounds like it gives her an ego boost that she can still get a rise out of you.

 

From the sounds of it no healthy relationship is going to come out of this.

 

Were you close with her bro? If not I bet she got him to send that message.

 

To answer your question, no I wasn't super close with him, which is why I am suspicious of the message.

 

And no, I'm not from Texas, but I was rooting for Texas over the Cardinals.

[durkadurka]

Right. She sounds like a right bind. How about telling her something pretty clear and straightforward, such as

 

I'

m

not your boyfriend.

 

If she doesn't get that, expand:

 

I don't want to hear about your escapades. It sounds like bragging. And I don't want to hear about how you aren't over me. It annoys me. If you want to be friends, fine, I'

m

cool with that, but the bragging and the emotional outbursts have to stop.

 

My opinion is you're holding the door open a bit too wide and it's hurting you both. Make a decision and be satisfied that, whatever it is, it was the best choice you could make at the time. Take a bit of ownership for steering this relationship (a friendship is a relationship in the wider sense of the word) to be something more profitable for you.

 

I have literally said this exact thing. When I talked to her last over the summer, I told her "I'm not your boyfriend, and if you want to talk to me you can pick up the phone, but talking about our relationship, and the problems between us, or anything that steps outside of the bounds of a typical casual friendship is annoying and I will not listen to it.

 

She definitely wants it both ways.

[betterdeal]

Then you need to decide what your reaction will be to her continuing to do these things that annoy you. You can convey that to her e.g. "if you continue like this then you will get no friendship from me", or keep it to yourself, but follow through on it.

 

It's what we tell ourselves that matters most.