rob_h Posted December 5, 2011 Share Posted December 5, 2011 Hi guys. Well ive been reading for a week now looking for a story to match mine that i could follow to help me through. My wife, left me 6 weeks ago. Well no the woman I love deeply left me 2 years ago when she had her first affair with the guy she is now with. The question I have is why can I not see what sort of person she really is, I'm still telling myself it doesn't matter what she's done. So she had an affair 2 years ago. I knew it was happening, I could see it, all my friends and family couldn't. I was paranoid. But I was right. I found things no husband wants to see and the truth came out. She was having an affair. I was broken. I loved her. My marriage meant everything. My belief in marriage meant everything. I took her back, but her rules! If we ever got to that point again it would be over. So 6 weeks ago I start seeing the old habits, the phone, the Facebook account being hidden when i walked into the room I knew it was happening again, I knew it. She went to London with "friends" came home after a week to tell me she didn't feel that way about me anymore. I was distraught, god I loved that woman. I left our home for 5 days before I came to my senses and came back to fight for her. I waited in our home for her to get back from work and broke down in front of her, I cried and cried, I would be a better husband I would make her feel special I would do everything I committed to on our wedding day. I left the house after she asked me to and to give her time to think about what I had said. 20 minutes after leaving the other man was in my home with a suitcase where he stayed for 5 days. Yep the same man as 2 years ago. He's a kid, nothing more. My wife is 29 he is 23. This is becoming a long post, thank you if you are reading! I came home on the Sunday hoping to find my wife willing to work on us. I came round the corner and saw his car outside of my house. I flew into a rage I tried to get to him she wouldn't let me in my house. Eventually after my family came to protect me and prevent me from doing anything stupid they both left, lying even at that point that he had just come to pick her up. That was the last time I saw my wife, as she past me leaving our home with him, his suitcase in hand. The next morning I went back into the house and what I found made me literally throw up. There were rose petals on my bed, a vibrator in my bathroom, lubrication in my living room, suspenders in my living room. My life was over. She immediately that very next day moved to the other end of the country, quitting her job, giving up her family and found a place with him. Had she lost her mind, what she had given up brings tears to my eyes. She wanted a divorce right away, sent in her own valuers to see what our house was worth and wanted a new life. She had obviously been planning for a long time. The valuation came back as I expected, no where near what she thought it would be worth. I have since found another £5000 worth of unpaid loans in her name, credit cards etc that she hadn't paid, I have forwarded them to her mothers and updated the creditors of the situation. I have heard nothing for 6 weeks since the valuation. Is her plan now not viable, can she now not start the life she was looking for. We have a joint mortgage, joint loans everything, she has abandoned them all and left them with me. She has disappeared without a trace. I love her unconditionally but why can I not see I am being walked over and not deserving of treatment she has given me. I'm a good guy. Good job, my values I think are what makes me still cherish my marriage I don't deserve what she has done but why can I not make myself see this. I still want her! I worry she is having a breakdown, I'm kidding myself I know. She has past issues with depression etc. I have never broken any law or done anything stupid in my life but if I ever get the opportunity to see the other man in my lifetime I don't know what I will do. I won't divorce her I don't feel ready or am I just kidding myself, should I file now, but that gives her what she wants. I'm rambling on now, I hope you can see my story and can offer words to help me see what she really is, why can't I see it, I know I don't deserve it! Link to post Share on other sites
smokey bear Posted December 5, 2011 Share Posted December 5, 2011 The best bit of advice i can give you is don't make any decisions until until your in a stable frame of mind.... this could take months. If i was you i would solely focus on healing before i done anything. I cant believe your situation and in all honesty this doesnt sound like the actions of someone in a stable frame of mind either. Start a journal, get it all out. Feel the emotions, dont bottle them up. Come on here and talk as much as you need. Research nc, rebounds...dont do it, loving and healing yourself etc. My heart goes out to you xx Link to post Share on other sites
Author rob_h Posted December 5, 2011 Author Share Posted December 5, 2011 Wow thank you I didn't think anyone would reply to me, bought a tear to my eyes. Thanks so much, did NC this week and broke it today, just asking her what her intentions are and that I'm glad she's happy. I'm trying to let her go because I love her. No reply. Now call me a fruit cake but we didn't get to the kids stage, god only knows how much I wanted to start a family but we do have a pup called rocko who she doted on and loved so much, again she left him and has never looked back. If she is unstable and needs help I will be here for her but surely if it was a health issue it would have passed by now? Again I'm kidding my self aren't I! Link to post Share on other sites
LostJustLost Posted December 5, 2011 Share Posted December 5, 2011 Smokey Bear is absolutely right. You must get it out, try not to act on the raging emotions that are consuming you. Going NC is really hard but it's for the best, and here you'll find a lot of others who are fighting the same battle and encourage each other. I wish you the best of luck. With only a few weeks of NC under my belt myself I don't have much useful advice, I've gained everything from being here reading others advice. I do use the thread here that's for posting to your ex instead of breaking NC. It helps a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rob_h Posted December 5, 2011 Author Share Posted December 5, 2011 Thank you, it's tough to talk to friends and family, they know I'm hurting but they don't share the same values I have about marriage, they don't understand how I can not just hate her Link to post Share on other sites
smokey bear Posted December 5, 2011 Share Posted December 5, 2011 I dont mention it to my friends or family at all anymore, i come on here, all the answers your looking for are on here. Do a search on all the questions you have to ask via google and here, read through as many posts until your tired of reading then come back to us with what is on your mind, when you want to break nc, post in your journal it takes the urge away. The quickest and easiest way to get through it is to feel the emotion, the only way out it is through it, please dont bottle it up. Research, research, research is the best thing right now, get all the info you need and use it as amunition to get through this. The only way through it is to get back on your feet and yourself back. Ill keep an eye out for your posts xx Keep your chin up, Its one hell of a rollercoaster ride Link to post Share on other sites
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