What a dumper feels.....

[smokey bear]

I saw this somewhere else and thought it might be good to discuss

 

I just read a relationship book by a well-known psychologist (Dr. Bonnie Weil). Very interesting! She says that during the first few weeks of a breakup from a VIABLE long-term relationship (one year or longer) where feelings seemed to have changed, the "dumper" feels mostly RELIEF (they've had a difficult decision hanging over their head for some time, but now they've made it and the pressure is off) and GUILT for hurting the "dumpee".

 

To help themselves get over the guilt, they keep telling themselves and everyone else that they're sure they made the right decision.

They need to convince themselves of this.

If they started second-guessing themselves at this point it would only add to their guilt, and this is the last thing they want.

 

She also says that although the dumper STARTS to miss you within the first couple of weeks, it normally takes about 6 to 8 weeks for the feelings of missing you to REALLY start setting in, AS LONG AS THE OTHER PERSON DOES NOT PURSUE.

 

It's only after about

two months

that they really start experiencing the reality and the void of what life is like without you, and their true feelings begin to slowly surface. Gradually their mind starts to wonder whether they really did make the right decision.

 

This can take another couple of months, and it's only then that they can consciously open themselves up to the possibility of reconciliation. Again, this is as long as they do not feel pressured by the other person, and the relationship broke up either because of not enough attention by the dumpee or too much attention (neediness).

 

This just shows that it takes considerable time for the dumper to process their feelings and thoughts. If the process is forced it can be stopped dead in its tracks and even revert to earlier stages.

 

I think it happens even slower if they rebound. I would say 6-8 months in these cases.

 

They will miss you but it doesn't mean they will come back

so

move on in the meantime.

[smokey bear]

I do believe it rings some truth, the last experience i had of being a dumper i came back after 8 month because i missed him truly.

 

He persued me the whole time and i had a rebound.

 

Had he not persued i would probably have came back sooner.

 

Any others who can share stories i'd like to hear opinions.

 

This isnt a hope thread its a compilation of peoples experiences to see if a pattern occurs so please no hope bashers or negative posters.

[mike588]

I saw this somewhere else and thought it might be good to discuss

 

I just read a relationship book by a well-known psychologist (Dr. Bonnie Weil). Very interesting! She says that during the first few weeks of a breakup from a VIABLE long-term relationship (one year or longer) where feelings seemed to have changed, the "dumper" feels mostly RELIEF (they've had a difficult decision hanging over their head for some time, but now they've made it and the pressure is off) and GUILT for hurting the "dumpee".

 

To help themselves get over the guilt, they keep telling themselves and everyone else that they're sure they made the right decision.

They need to convince themselves of this.

If they started second-guessing themselves at this point it would only add to their guilt, and this is the last thing they want.

 

She also says that although the dumper STARTS to miss you within the first couple of weeks, it normally takes about 6 to 8 weeks for the feelings of missing you to REALLY start setting in, AS LONG AS THE OTHER PERSON DOES NOT PURSUE.

 

It's only after about

two months

that they really start experiencing the reality and the void of what life is like without you, and their true feelings begin to slowly surface. Gradually their mind starts to wonder whether they really did make the right decision.

 

This can take another couple of months, and it's only then that they can consciously open themselves up to the possibility of reconciliation. Again, this is as long as they do not feel pressured by the other person, and the relationship broke up either because of not enough attention by the dumpee or too much attention (neediness).

 

This just shows that it takes considerable time for the dumper to process their feelings and thoughts. If the process is forced it can be stopped dead in its tracks and even revert to earlier stages.

 

I think it happens even slower if they rebound. I would say 6-8 months in these cases.

 

They will miss you but it doesn't mean they will come back

so

move on in the meantime.

 

Good thread and info. What's your opinion on a case like mine or others in a similar situation.

 

What if you were a rebound guy/girl and after dating for almost a year you get dumped because the go back to the ex.

 

Does all above apply,, time,feelings??

[motive2002]

Your mileage will definitely vary, and each case is unique.

 

My ex, for example is extremely decisive. I know that when she made her mind up to dump me, it was a done deal.

I think I fall into the clinginess dept. I had false hope for a bit that if I did NC, she would miss me and want me back. BZZZT! Wrong answer!

 

My ex has this habit of jumping from one guy to the next. By the time she gets to "missing me", if she ever does at all, it will be way, way too late. The damage is done. She blindsided me and I'd be a complete fool to ever take her back.

 

Just playing devil's advocate here. They dumped you for a reason. They may not have given you the specific reason, or reasons, but unless you transform into a completely different human being, those reasons may still be your ultimate undoing.

 

Best bet is to move on with your life without them.

[reallypo]

Very good and informative post. I can bet there's a lit of dumpees who truly DO NOT want their exs back, but rather find ways to cope as to why the person they onced loved can all of a sudden treat the dumpees as if they never mattered. Most people on here just want the dumpers to at least be somewhat humane. Dumpers have the right to dump if they no longer love that person anymore. But it's mean and almost cruel for a dumper to move on with life so quickly and treat the ex as yesterdays news in which they toss out. Anyways, ur post gave people like me a more comforting feeling that we didn't once love complete monsters.

[BoredAgain]

I've never dumped anyone, but I always imagined it being a much more emotionally intense version of turning somebody down.

 

There was a moment in high school where, inexplicably, all these female friends of mine confided that they had a crush on me. To this day I have no idea why it happened, but it seemed that every week I'd have to tell a girl, "I'm sorry, I just don't feel the same way." All my male friends were jealous (and as flabbergasted as I was), but I remember it just felt completely awful. I felt horribly guilty for hurting these girls (who were friends of mine) and I second-guessed myself more than a few times.

[wilsonx]

dumper dumpee is a relative term. In most of these relationships, the outcome would have been the same. I have been a dumper before, hurt the same as when I was a dumpee.

[robaday]

Its starting to hit home now - I was the dumper - 4 weeks NC after a long term relationship.

 

I didnt think it would be this painful. I know it was the right decision - I was being disrespected daily, and the last night I spent with her was horrific, with low insults and abuse, but I wasnt innocent either.

 

I guess if there had been something, anything from her which suggested that she may have done something wrong, I may have stayed a little longer, but she lashed out and blamed me for everything.

 

It's not going to be easy. I have gone on one date and slept with someone but it made things worse. Guess I just gotta hold NC. I feel like the dumpee even though I was the dumper!

[silly_panda]

 

Again, this is as long as they do not feel pressured by the other person, and the relationship broke up either because of not enough attention by the dumpee or too much attention (neediness).

 

 

Does this mean the break up HAS to be either not enough attention or too much attention..? Or does it mean the reason of the break up CANNOT be either of these..?

 

First, rite after the break up, she got another guy... Kept telling her friends that it's really over between me and her... Kept telling her best friend how happy she feels in her current relationship... And yea... It sounds like she is trying to convince herself more...

 

This whole timing thing seems true in my case... My ex (dumper) came and told me the break up really hits her after 2months after the break up... Said she never thought she could be so attached to our relationship...

[smokey bear]

ok, firstly rebounds are a lost cause, i dont think many rebounds get a second chance because the feelings were infactuation not real love.

 

SSorry but i just think when a rebound is over its over.

 

Secondly its more the time issue i wanted to focus on here, talking to a few members who have ex's breaking nc, they are all at about the 6 month mark and i was wondering if this post would ring true, again anyone with dumper experience, i would like to hear some imput.

 

Remember even though your a dumpee, you might have been a dumper at some point, think back to that situation.

[smokey bear]

Does this mean the break up HAS to be either not enough attention or too much attention..? Or does it mean the reason of the break up CANNOT be either of these..?

 

First, rite after the break up, she got another guy... Kept telling her friends that it's really over between me and her... Kept telling her best friend how happy she feels in her current relationship... And yea... It sounds like she is trying to convince herself more...

 

This whole timing thing seems true in my case... My ex (dumper) came and told me the break up really hits her after 2months after the break up... Said she never thought she could be so attached to our relationship...

 

 

The reason can be anything as long as it wasnt domestic violence etc.

 

I think the reason it takes longer with a rebound or gigs guy/girl, they have someone to comfort them and mask the reality of their decision and they wont begin to feel any remorse until they are alone. Then months would have gone by and You would have been moving on with your life while they just begin to feel the effects of both break ups. They either come back to make up or go for a 3rd rebound so they don't have to face the real word again.

[YouNeverKnow86]

What about after short term relationships? The kind that are really intense and you hangout pretty much everyday/ all day?

[foolishlover]

I'd like to think that my ex would miss me, but he didnt have a glint of sadness when we parted ways.

 

He has since moved into a really nice new apartment and is enjoying the high life with all his new friends and the people he would flirt continuously with while i sit here and grieve the loss of the relationship.

 

As stated in the original post, the best is to move on

[stunned8165]

Interesting post Smokey. As you know and commented on my thread yesterday, she broke no contact right at the six month mark. Wow. And it was a lame excuse I feel. She could have just e mailed me. And I know she has been full of guilt. She left to be with her boss. Maybe reality is setting in now of what she lost.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t302201/

[smokey bear]

as it says in the original post, this only applies to long term relationships, short term relationships its a case of he's not that into you or you have been a rebound or your not compatible, sorry.

[joeminla]

If they are unavailable(emotionally or otherwise), they are most likely wanting to string you along! Manipulation is their best tool! They will play with you a bit when they got bored. But don’t you get too comfy with them! I have a friend got a restraining order from a guy. She questioned the guy why he ignored her in public but called her during the midnight several times. She was upset but nothing violent verbally or physically. And there it came, a restraining order!

 

If they left you for others (GIGS), they would prefer you leaving them alone! However, they want you to be the doormat/back tire welcoming and loving them unconditionally when they are tired and ready to comeback. If you rejected them, you are just a whining loser playing victim!

[Fufu]

This does not apply to all the relationships.

 

In my opinion, even for long-term relationships, once they have a change in heart, nothing can stop them.

[9Lives]

as it says in the original post, this only applies to long term relationships, short term relationships its a case of he's not that into you or you have been a rebound or your not compatible, sorry.

 

Well you could have spent alot of time together even tho it was short term. I dont think the feelings are as intense but I believe the dumper does miss that person unless things were really bad during that short times. Alot depends on the activity of the relationship during that time.

[9Lives]

I agree with this post a whole lot. If you accept their decision and just move on, they will think about you more than if you try to force them to stay or try to get them back. You have to move on as painful as it may be.

 

My ex treated me so bad. I tried to get with him by any means necessary for a long time. It only got worst and he got with another chic. i cried bloody tears.

 

Well when I let go and really let go....Guess who wants to get back in my life. He still has this girlfriend but he calls me ALLL THE TIME. He wants to see me on Fridays, Saturdays, Sundays, Mondays....he wants to come over and take me out. he calls me sweet names and all that jazz.

 

Guess what? I dont want him anymore. I did not ever think I would be this strong. He was my world. Now we are friends. I dont care that he has a girlfriend cause he is always trying to get with me. I laugh at her cause she was trying to throw it in my face when they first got together. It hurt so so bad. Now he wants to cheat on her with me. Im dont see him the same. We can only be friends.

 

But it goes to show, especially if he is a man, that if you just leave him be, go on with your life, learn from your mistakes, do better in your next relationship, and improve your life..you will hear from him again.

 

You just have to do two things

LET GO

MOVE ON

[mike588]

as it says in the original post, this only applies to long term relationships, short term relationships its a case of he's not that into you or you have been a rebound or your not compatible, sorry.

 

I mostly agree however each relationship is different. I was a rebound guy and our relationship lasted just shy of a year and I believe they can be "into you" and love you but in most rebounds they aren't in love with you.

 

Thru the grapevine and her telling me it wasn't an easy thing for her to do (dumping) she was very upset and sad about it so it all depends on the relationship and what caused the breakup as to how dumpers feel.

 

Maybe I'm the exception but most if not all rebounds don't last that long.

[YouNeverKnow86]

I agree with this post a whole lot. If you accept their decision and just move on, they will think about you more than if you try to force them to stay or try to get them back. You have to move on as painful as it may be.

 

My ex treated me so bad. I tried to get with him by any means necessary for a long time. It only got worst and he got with another chic. i cried bloody tears.

 

Well when I let go and really let go....Guess who wants to get back in my life. He still has this girlfriend but he calls me ALLL THE TIME. He wants to see me on Fridays, Saturdays, Sundays, Mondays....he wants to come over and take me out. he calls me sweet names and all that jazz.

 

Guess what? I dont want him anymore. I did not ever think I would be this strong. He was my world. Now we are friends. I dont care that he has a girlfriend cause he is always trying to get with me. I laugh at her cause she was trying to throw it in my face when they first got together. It hurt so so bad. Now he wants to cheat on her with me. Im dont see him the same. We can only be friends.

 

But it goes to show, especially if he is a man, that if you just leave him be, go on with your life, learn from your mistakes, do better in your next relationship, and improve your life..you will hear from him again.

 

You just have to do two things

LET GO

MOVE ON

 

9lives,

 

Do you believe this is also the case with female dumpers? I tried to get her back for about 3 months before fully stopping. Once you fully move on that is when they will come calling back.....Even if it just is to be friends again and bury the hatchet?

 

Also I agree with you about the short term relationship stuff. My relationship with my ex was 3 months but we literally hung out everyday/all the time. We never argued once during that time, the arguments only happened after the breakup.

[YouNeverKnow86]

I mostly agree however each relationship is different. I was a rebound guy and our relationship lasted just shy of a year and I believe they can be "into you" and love you but in most rebounds they aren't in love with you.

 

Thru the grapevine and her telling me it wasn't an easy thing for her to do (dumping) she was very upset and sad about it so it all depends on the relationship and what caused the breakup as to how dumpers feel.

 

Maybe I'm the exception but most if not all rebounds don't last that long.

 

Same here bro

[mike588]

and call

I agree with this post a whole lot. If you accept their decision and just move on, they will think about you more than if you try to force them to stay or try to get them back. You have to move on as painful as it may be.

 

My ex treated me so bad. I tried to get with him by any means necessary for a long time. It only got worst and he got with another chic. i cried bloody tears.

 

Well when I let go and really let go....Guess who wants to get back in my life. He still has this girlfriend but he calls me ALLL THE TIME. He wants to see me on Fridays, Saturdays, Sundays, Mondays....he wants to come over and take me out. he calls me sweet names and all that jazz.

 

Guess what? I dont want him anymore. I did not ever think I would be this strong. He was my world. Now we are friends. I dont care that he has a girlfriend cause he is always trying to get with me. I laugh at her cause she was trying to throw it in my face when they first got together. It hurt so so bad. Now he wants to cheat on her with me. Im dont see him the same. We can only be friends.

 

But it goes to show, especially if he is a man, that if you just leave him be, go on with your life, learn from your mistakes, do better in your next relationship, and improve your life..you will hear from him again.

 

You just have to do two things

LET GO

MOVE ON

 

I wonder how his new g/f feels that he wants to see you,take you out and calls you sweet names,, not much respect there!

[9Lives]

9lives,

 

Do you believe this is also the case with female dumpers? I tried to get her back for about 3 months before fully stopping. Once you fully move on that is when they will come calling back.....Even if it just is to be friends again and bury the hatchet?

 

Also I agree with you about the short term relationship stuff. My relationship with my ex was 3 months but we literally hung out everyday/all the time. We never argued once during that time, the arguments only happened after the breakup.

 

I really cant say for female dumpers because sometimes we as women hold on until we just cant stand it anymore and then when we let it go...we are done. As you know, women are not all the same.

 

When I decided to leave my husband, I was so done. The thought of being with him again made me sick to my stomach. I had tried all I could and when he kept crushing my feelings. I completely shut down on him from there. It didnt help that after he saw that I was serious he was chasing like a crazy man and I wasnt attracted to him because he stop taking care of himself.

 

Believe it or not, what you do after someone breaks up with you can make that person want you back or not. Not all the time, but it is something to consider cause if my husband would have handled the break up differently, I might have wanted to date him to see if we could reconcil.

 

At the end of the day....DONT CHASE IS THE LESSON. It just dont help!

[9Lives]

and call

 

I wonder how his new g/f feels that he wants to see you,take you out and calls you sweet names,, not much respect there!

 

oh she would be so so upset. Im telling you. I love it!!! I know that Im being a little rascal but I cant help it. I cant stand her! The only reason I have not really started messing with him again is because I dont like him anymore in that way. I see him for who he is. I would much rather she have a cheating,sneaky,lying man than me....lol!!!

 

She thinks she is all of that and I just laugh on the inside. She likes to send pictures of him and her together on FB to our mutual friends and OUR MUTUAL friends know he is calling me all the time so they look at her like she is crazy. She tries to prove so hard that they are this happy couple but he wants to get with me too much for that to be all of that. its funny

 

I know Im wrong ....I KNOW but Im not sleeping with him and Im not trying with him. I just see him as a friend now. I dont want that kind of man.