She broke no contact! How did I handle it?

[stunned8165]

First, this is my story http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t302201/

 

The phone rang and I recognized the ring tone. Of coarse I felt anxious, but I sucked it up and answered. I answered with a Hello in a happy tone. She said hello and I asked what's up in a like "what do you want" tone. She said she wanted to let me know I may see a charge on my American Express for a Disney Movie. Now I'm not sure if she ordered the movie and used my card which was on file because we created the account together, or if they automaticly sent it. Which they have done before. I know there was a charge in July too and the movie came here and I sent it to her. She left me a message saying she would take care of changing that info and send me the money but obviously she hasn't. She never sent the money either which I don't care about because it was for the kids. So she explained that she wanted to let me know about it and she was going to send the money. All I said to her was ok. I asked no questions what so ever. She asked me how life was and I said good. Then she went back to saying she's sorry about the charge on my card and I said fine. I used all one word answers. Then I cut her off and asked her how the kids were. She proceeded to go on and on about the little girl and kindergarten. Then she asked me again "so life is good for you?" I said yes, life is really good. Then she daid she would send me the money . I said ok. Then she said again " I just wanted to let you know" I said ok. Like I said, all one word answers.. Then she said I guess I'll see ya. I said > OK and hung up.

 

Keep in mind, I cut all LC almost 8 weeks ago. I was doing some reaching out for about 4 months prior to that. And then I posted here recently how all of a sudden, she is appearing on my route home. You can find those details in my threads. But what gets me, any contact we have had was strictly e mai and texting. Now she get's the nerve to pick up the phone? WTF?.... Something is up. Because otherwise, she would have just e mailed.

[stunned8165]

Sorry about the double post. I thought I could stop this one because I wanted to add that she even asked me where I was at the moment.

[thepedestrian]

Stunned, what are you really hoping this phone call means?

[stunned8165]

Well.... I'm not sure if I hope it means anything. How ever, if you were in my shoes, and knew the ENTIRE story and events, you would feel it means she is reaching out to you. At least that is what I feel in my gut. But again, based on RECENT events too. Trust me, I don't want her back. I could never trust her again. Maybe I'm looking for the upper hand back. And the only reason I would care about that at this point, is for me to, emotionally, be able to maybe have some kind of contact with the kids in the future but not with her. Am I making sense?

[Eddie Edirol]

You DO have the upper hand. She wanted to know what you were up to, for her selfish curiosity, and you didnt give it to her. You gave her nothing. That was the right thing to do. She wanted to hear that you were ok with the breakup, but you didnt give her that either. She wanted to chit chat like she did nothing wrong, and you didnt give her that either. So now you have her wanting you to need her, and you showed her that you dont.

 

But next time, just dont answer the phone, because unless you want to get of on not giving her what she wants, its not really going to help you.

 

But just in case you do answer her call, dont give her shyt, and keep the one word answers, and dont even ask about the kids.

[stunned8165]

Thanks EE...... Not sure that I will hear from her again. I don't think she has the nerve and is probably full of shame. But on the other hand, I think I will. I guess we will just have to wait and see.

[PinkPunkCosmo]

Hi there,

 

First off you did extremely well! Be proud of yourself! Secondly, seems to me she is trying to get some information out of you to make sure your feeling SOMETHING anything really because it seems the break up is bothering her. After reading your story it makes more sense, seems things didnt go as plan with the other man and the grass she thought was greener was not and you were the greener grass instead. Seems like she regrets her decision in a way. i wouldn't pay too much mind to it unless you want to really work at it and get back together. But she is looking for excuses to call you, since you say its no big deal to you regarding the issue she is calling you about, she is still using it as an excuse to call you to try to get information out of you about your life at the moment after the break up. She wants to make sure your still there available, not dating anyone and everything. but she didnt get that out of you either since you were been indiferent to the questions she was asking you. but it seems to me she is bothered by the break up, has you in her thoughts and her mind won't leave her alone so she got the excuse to call you about the credit card.

 

Question to you is, do you want to get back with her?

Edited December 6, 2011 by PinkPunkCosmo

[stunned8165]

Hi there,

 

First off you did extremely well! Be proud of yourself! Secondly, seems to me she is trying to get some information out of you to make sure your feeling SOMETHING anything really because it seems the break up is bothering her. After reading your story it makes more sense, seems things didnt go as plan with the other man and the grass she thought was greener was not and you were the greener grass instead. Seems like she regrets her decision in a way. i wouldn't pay too much mind to it unless you want to really work at it and get back together. But she is looking for excuses to call you, since you say its no big deal to you regarding the issue she is calling you about, she is still using it as an excuse to call you to try to get information out of you about your life at the moment after the break up. She wants to make sure your still there available, not dating anyone and everything. but she didnt get that out of you either since you were been indiferent to the questions she was asking you. but it seems to me she is bothered by the break up, has you in her thoughts and her mind won't leave her alone so she got the excuse to call you about the credit card.

 

Question to you is, do you want to get back with her?

 

 

 

Not sure what I want at this point. But I sure as heck am enjoying the thought of her realizing what she lost. . But from this point, I won't take any action of any kind. I'm just going to continue on my healing path and see what happens... In addition, it turns out they hired a new bartender where she works who is suppose to be really good looking. So there is a problem. Her boss/boyfriend has some new prey. Oh well. That's not my problem anymore.

[PinkPunkCosmo]

... In addition, it turns out they hired a new bartender where she works who is suppose to be really good looking. So there is a problem. Her boss/boyfriend has some new prey. Oh well. That's not my problem anymore.

 

If i can give my two cents? Well i would just stay away from her. In a relationship no matter how many beautiful/good looking people are infront of you, you should know better than to stay away from them. Don't get me wrong if you want to look fine, i can't hold that from you but don't disrespect. She disrespected you the first time and two kids from two different fathers is more than enough proof that she is unstable and has more than her eyes wandering if you know what i mean she cant control her urge.

You are doing so great, keep healing, love yourself and forget about her, she seems to lack self-love, self-respect and obviously dignity.

You are better than that. My question earlier was if you wanted to get back with her, but seems to me you shouldn't don't go back. Love will bring you with someone better. She was a stepping stone that you passed through.

 

Don't make the call seem more than what it is, she realized she messed up, too bad for her, your good and she knows your good and that will be more than enough to pick her brains for a while too. I would change the credit card information to keep her from any more excuses to bother your peaceful healing state.

 

otherwise, you did great, you kept it short and straight to the point.

[stunned8165]

If i can give my two cents? Well i would just stay away from her. In a relationship no matter how many beautiful/good looking people are infront of you, you should know better than to stay away from them. Don't get me wrong if you want to look fine, i can't hold that from you but don't disrespect. She disrespected you the first time and two kids from two different fathers is more than enough proof that she is unstable and has more than her eyes wandering if you know what i mean she cant control her urge.

You are doing so great, keep healing, love yourself and forget about her, she seems to lack self-love, self-respect and obviously dignity.

You are better than that. My question earlier was if you wanted to get back with her, but seems to me you shouldn't don't go back. Love will bring you with someone better. She was a stepping stone that you passed through.

 

Don't make the call seem more than what it is, she realized she messed up, too bad for her, your good and she knows your good and that will be more than enough to pick her brains for a while too. I would change the credit card information to keep her from any more excuses to bother your peaceful healing state.

 

otherwise, you did great, you kept it short and straight to the point.

 

 

You are right. There is now way I could go back. It would never be the same and she is messed up. I just hope the kids turn out ok.

[Chi townD]

Well, sounding like she's finding out that the grass really isn't greener on the other side. You stated that that they hired a new good looking girl at the bar. She may have already caught him flirting it up with her already.

 

So, why did she call you? Probably out of nothing more than curiosity. I mean, you two have been broken up for about 6 months, but you were together for 3 years! Can't really turn off those feeling like a lightswitch. Could be she was missing you. Hoping you sounded just as miserable as she feels. But good on you with your responses to her questions because you gave her NOTHING! Nothing for her to gage on how you felt, what you were thinking. She may have been looking for an Ego boost because short guy wasn't doing it. And you didn't give it to her so, Bravo!!

 

She could have been trying to put you in the friend zone as well. I don't know why, but A LOT (not all) of women can't stand the fact that there might be someone on this planet that hates them. Drives them crazy! That's why a lot of them always end a break-up with the sentence, " I hope we can still be friends." I their perfect little world, they would want nothing more than to get the romance and physical intimacy from their new guy, and call you up and laugh and joke around with you! Therefore, they can convince themselves that the break up was for the best because, "we're such good friends now!" Thus, they can rid themselves of their guilt.

 

In one of your other threads, you stated that one of the last communication with her, she said that the only reason you to didn't work out is because YOU didn't seem happy and YOU didn't trust her. Blameshifting. Not once did she mention that the reason we broke up is because I was sleeping with someone else. This tells me that she incapable of owning up to what she did.

 

You read enough threads on here to know that NC is the way to go. If she wants back into your life, nothing less than her showing up at your door saying that she was wrong and she was a idiot, she's sorry and seeing if there's anything she can do to get a second chance. Anything less is BS and you're wasting your time.

[stunned8165]

Thanks Chi. My thoughts too. Because if all she wanted to discuss was "business ie: credit card thing).. She would have just e mailed me or sent a check in the mail with a note. And it also seems strange that she has appeared on my way home 3 times in 3 weeks now. But I decided to go another way and dissapear. And I'm sure she was expecting contact when she knew I saw her alone in her car. But there is no way I would consider talking to her about recon unless first and fore most, she calls to tell me she quit working there and has signed up for counculing. At a MINIMUM! And trust me, I felt it in her voice that she was fishing. She seemed to get excited when I asked how the kids were, but I shut that down too. She just kept repeating her self too about the credit card, sending me the money and changing the info. She obviously has changed the shipping info back in July, but not the credit card. either that was something to hold onto for future use with me, or she just palin had her head up her butt. I think both!

[betterdeal]

Well.... I'm not sure if I hope it means anything. How ever, if you were in my shoes, and knew the ENTIRE story and events, you would feel it means she is reaching out to you. At least that is what I feel in my gut. But again, based on RECENT events too. Trust me, I don't want her back. I could never trust her again. Maybe I'm looking for the upper hand back. And the only reason I would care about that at this point, is for me to, emotionally, be able to maybe have some kind of contact with the kids in the future but not with her. Am I making sense?

 

This makes a lot of sense to me. Have you told her you'd like to see the kids? Regardless of what her intentions were (and you can probably guess them yourself as you know her), what are yours? Your OP sounded like you were a bit strained or felt threatened by her call. That's understandable. It's often awkward after a break up to re-engage with someone.

 

Ask yourself, can you be friendly with her and not see her as a former lover who spurned you, but as someone you had fun with? Are you confident in yourself, your own worth as a person? If you are, and you accept that her choice to tread a different path is her decision, it's possible to re-engage with her in a different way, as former lovers. So long as you aren't fawning all over her or otherwise engaged in romantic notions, this can be a selling point for You Inc. A man who can get over it with dignity and not look back in anger is attractive to many women.

 

You now have opportunities to do things you couldn't when you were lovers. That can be anything from lying in your own filth to dating your way through all the pretty girls in town, to scratching your nuts and reading the paper on a Sunday, to just relaxing, or working, or anything, really.

 

So, bearing this in mind, what her sniffing around you means to her is almost inconsequential. What it means to you is what matters.

[stunned8165]

This makes a lot of sense to me. Have you told her you'd like to see the kids? Regardless of what her intentions were (and you can probably guess them yourself as you know her), what are yours? Your OP sounded like you were a bit strained or felt threatened by her call. That's understandable. It's often awkward after a break up to re-engage with someone.

 

Ask yourself, can you be friendly with her and not see her as a former lover who spurned you, but as someone you had fun with? Are you confident in yourself, your own worth as a person? If you are, and you accept that her choice to tread a different path is her decision, it's possible to re-engage with her in a different way, as former lovers. So long as you aren't fawning all over her or otherwise engaged in romantic notions, this can be a selling point for You Inc. A man who can get over it with dignity and not look back in anger is attractive to many women.

 

You now have opportunities to do things you couldn't when you were lovers. That can be anything from lying in your own filth to dating your way through all the pretty girls in town, to scratching your nuts and reading the paper on a Sunday, to just relaxing, or working, or anything, really.

 

So, bearing this in mind, what her sniffing around you means to her is almost inconsequential. What it means to you is what matters.

 

Thanks BD.. I'm not quite sure yet what I REALLY want. I'm not sure if I Do want to go the avenue of just being cordial and seeing the kids. I don't feel I'm at that emotional place yet. I'm still digesting this whole phone call thing. What gets me, I got my AMEX bill today. The charge was on the 19th. That menas she got the movie 7 days later. Why wait till Dec 5th to call me about it? Rough weekend?.. Who knows. Let's see if she actually sends me the money. Not that I care about the money, but it's the principle. Because when this happened last July, she said she would fix this problem and send me the money but never did. I don't think it's because she just doesn't want to, I think it's probably because she just has her head up her butt and the new boyfriend is telling her not to. He's probably scared she might want to come back to me and may be controlling that whole situation. Because remember, he owns the place. If she doesn't cooperate, and she leaves him, guess what, no job!

[stunned8165]

Well, sounding like she's finding out that the grass really isn't greener on the other side. You stated that that they hired a new good looking girl at the bar. She may have already caught him flirting it up with her already.

 

So, why did she call you? Probably out of nothing more than curiosity. I mean, you two have been broken up for about 6 months, but you were together for 3 years! Can't really turn off those feeling like a lightswitch. Could be she was missing you. Hoping you sounded just as miserable as she feels. But good on you with your responses to her questions because you gave her NOTHING! Nothing for her to gage on how you felt, what you were thinking. She may have been looking for an Ego boost because short guy wasn't doing it. And you didn't give it to her so, Bravo!!

 

She could have been trying to put you in the friend zone as well. I don't know why, but A LOT (not all) of women can't stand the fact that there might be someone on this planet that hates them. Drives them crazy! That's why a lot of them always end a break-up with the sentence, " I hope we can still be friends." I their perfect little world, they would want nothing more than to get the romance and physical intimacy from their new guy, and call you up and laugh and joke around with you! Therefore, they can convince themselves that the break up was for the best because, "we're such good friends now!" Thus, they can rid themselves of their guilt.

 

In one of your other threads, you stated that one of the last communication with her, she said that the only reason you to didn't work out is because YOU didn't seem happy and YOU didn't trust her. Blameshifting. Not once did she mention that the reason we broke up is because I was sleeping with someone else. This tells me that she incapable of owning up to what she did.

 

You read enough threads on here to know that NC is the way to go. If she wants back into your life, nothing less than her showing up at your door saying that she was wrong and she was a idiot, she's sorry and seeing if there's anything she can do to get a second chance. Anything less is BS and you're wasting your time.

 

 

Chi, I wasn't happy because I felt the change in her. She was no longer my best friend and quit flirting with ME. It seemed as if that place where she works, and him, were her new best friends. Hell, she didn't even want to be at home and deal with her kids. She couldn't wait to drop the kids off at school and get to work. I really think she was happier there because she didn't have to deal with the kids. They acted out on her simply because she didn't give them positive attention and reinforcement. I was the one who did that. Read mt thread on " I had to tell her off. It has many of the facts of what went on in it.

[betterdeal]

Thanks BD.. I'm not quite sure yet what I REALLY want. I'm not sure if I Do want to go the avenue of just being cordial and seeing the kids. I don't feel I'm at that emotional place yet. I'm still digesting this whole phone call thing. What gets me, I got my AMEX bill today. The charge was on the 19th. That menas she got the movie 7 days later. Why wait till Dec 5th to call me about it? Rough weekend?.. Who knows. Let's see if she actually sends me the money. Not that I care about the money, but it's the principle. Because when this happened last July, she said she would fix this problem and send me the money but never did. I don't think it's because she just doesn't want to, I think it's probably because she just has her head up her butt and the new boyfriend is telling her not to. He's probably scared she might want to come back to me and may be controlling that whole situation. Because remember, he owns the place. If she doesn't cooperate, and she leaves him, guess what, no job!

 

Ah, okay, that's clearer to me now. You can report your card lost to Amex and get a new one, with an new number, so that any place that has it stored in their system would need to have the details of the new card to continue charging you. That way you know you won't be leaking money here and there whenever she rents a movie / buys a book / pizza / whatever.

 

She sounds unreliable, especially when it comes to money. I'm sure she has lots of great qualities, but paying her dues doesn't seem to be one of them right now, and the best way to save money is to spend less. Taking that line of credit away from her is helping her to do just that

 

It also gives you peace of mind. Your money is yours. Look after it. The woman you do settle down with will judge you on how you look after your money.

 

As for the other guy, of course he's scared: you're a great guy; your ex has eyes; what more needs to be said? You're a catch! She made a mistake (we all do) and he knows he's still the runner up. Okay, maybe this is *slightly* irrational, but why the Hell not be a bit irrational and big yourself up anyway?!

 

Seems pretty clear to me that, whilst you wish them well, being involved with that family right now is upsetting to you. I'm a big fan of significant adults making the effort to stay in the lives of children, but you have to do what feels right for you. Tell her what it is you feel right now if you do happen to end up talking to her and don't be ashamed to say you will be back in touch when you are ready and not before.

[stunned8165]

Ah, okay, that's clearer to me now. You can report your card lost to Amex and get a new one, with an new number, so that any place that has it stored in their system would need to have the details of the new card to continue charging you. That way you know you won't be leaking money here and there whenever she rents a movie / buys a book / pizza / whatever.

 

She sounds unreliable, especially when it comes to money. I'm sure she has lots of great qualities, but paying her dues doesn't seem to be one of them right now, and the best way to save money is to spend less. Taking that line of credit away from her is helping her to do just that

 

It also gives you peace of mind. Your money is yours. Look after it. The woman you do settle down with will judge you on how you look after your money.

 

As for the other guy, of course he's scared: you're a great guy; your ex has eyes; what more needs to be said? You're a catch! She made a mistake (we all do) and he knows he's still the runner up. Okay, maybe this is *slightly* irrational, but why the Hell not be a bit irrational and big yourself up anyway?!

 

Seems pretty clear to me that, whilst you wish them well, being involved with that family right now is upsetting to you. I'm a big fan of significant adults making the effort to stay in the lives of children, but you have to do what feels right for you. Tell her what it is you feel right now if you do happen to end up talking to her and don't be ashamed to say you will be back in touch when you are ready and not before.

 

 

BD, I'm not telling her Jack. I left it where she got NOTHING from me and that's the way it's going to stay. I'm sure she will (if she hasn't already), got wind that I took on a female roomate who had to leave her condo (because of Chinese drywall here in FL. ) ( Temporary roomate) And I'm sure she is getting wind of my new friend (very pretty girl) on my face book on the back of my bike. Maybe not.. She doesn't have a face book as far as I know. But what ever. .. But she is definately getting a taste of NC from me for 8 weeks as of today.

 

I made it clear to her back in June that the only phone call I want from her is that she and the kids miss me. But now at this point, the only way I would even consider hearing what she has to say, is if she leaves a message (because I won't answer) that she is no longer with him and doesn't work there anymore. Other wise, "have a nice life"..

 

As far as the credit card, it's only with the Disney movie club. She can't use it anyother way. Truthfully, she wouldn't do that. I gave her a gas card too, about 2 years ago so she wouldn't have to worry about gas. She didn't abuse it. And there hasn't been any other strange charges on my amex. I check it carefully every month.

 

I truly feel in my gut that something is rotten in Denmark over there with her. Hey, I could be wrong, but it does seem likely. Only time will tell. Becuae if she really didn't care or feel something, she wouldn't be calling acting like nothing is wrong and asking me "where are you".. or "how's life for you" twice. ...... Something is up. But for now, I'm leaving it alone.

[betterdeal]

Yeah, seems to me like you're a bit stressed by this, but we all have our own path to tread.

 

I know that for me, after nearly a year of hanging on the wire waiting for a call, and getting one, about once a month, and freezing up when I did get them, I felt a lot of relief when I changed my number and cut ties. That said, I did open up to her one last time and she pushed back, and that was it - she opened up to me, I pushed back; I opened up to her, she pushed back.

 

The cat and mouse games of two very nervous people had to stop. And they did, but I had to explore them for a while, which, with no disrespect intended, appears to be where you are right now. It's messy, but it happens.

 

Try not to think too much about it. It'll just overheat your brain.

[stunned8165]

Yeah, seems to me like you're a bit stressed by this, but we all have our own path to tread.

 

I know that for me, after nearly a year of hanging on the wire waiting for a call, and getting one, about once a month, and freezing up when I did get them, I felt a lot of relief when I changed my number and cut ties. That said, I did open up to her one last time and she pushed back, and that was it - she opened up to me, I pushed back; I opened up to her, she pushed back.

 

The cat and mouse games of two very nervous people had to stop. And they did, but I had to explore them for a while, which, with no disrespect intended, appears to be where you are right now. It's messy, but it happens.

 

Try not to think too much about it. It'll just overheat your brain.

 

BD, I have been stressed for 6 months. although I have made some great headway. In fact, I'm taking that phone call as a reach out. I feel much better that she DID call and I held the cards for the whole conversation. As hard as it was, I held the cards. I was also shocked that I felt hard and almost thinking to myself "what the hell does SHE want".. I really wasn't excited. I'm more excited knowing I held my ground and gave her jack shyt.

[betterdeal]

Good for you!

[stunned8165]

Good for you!

 

Thanks BD.. So what does the future bring?..lol. I have a feeling in my gut that I haven't heard the end of this.. I just posted somewhere else too that today I'm really baffled about the 6 month mark thing. It was like clock wrok man. . I'm sure you have seen all this talk about it.

[betterdeal]

It's probably on her mind too, the old 6 month mark. It's a significant landmark, half a year, two seasons on. Just be true to yourself. Listen to your gut feelings and take your time about things. And do other stuff; fun stuff, things you enjoy. Trying to pinpoint these things exactly is like trying to hug fog.

[stunned8165]

Up date.. Ok, so she called and your read what happened. But no check in the mail yet. She only lives 5 minutes away from me. If she called Monday Dec 5th, and was so concerned about the charge and sending me the money, why haven't I recieved it yet? Generaly, it only takes one to two days to recieve a letter in the mail in this area. And if it's because she is waiting to get paid, then she must be living paycheck to pay check. When we were together, 25.00 was nothing to her. Hmmmmmmmmmmm.. Do you really think she will send the money? She didn't back in July when this happened and she said she would. .. Any thoughts?

[betterdeal]

I think the money means nothing but you are focusing on it to keep a connection with her. Write it off as a bad debt and save yourself the hassle of thinking about it. In fact, work out your hourly rate and figure how many hours you've spent on this already and then decide if it's worth investing more of your time in to it.

[stunned8165]

I think maybe she is NOT sending it hoping that I would call and ask about it. Now back in July I told her not to worry about the money (becuase it was for the kids). But this time I didn't say don't worry about it. I just ok, fine, what ever etc. But I WON'T call and ask about it. Maybe she is holding back so she cam call and say "look, I haven't forgot to send you the money".. Another excuse to call me. Or, I bet she calls and asks me to meet her on my way home to give me the money. ... All these scenerios run in my head. But the one gut feeling that stays with me, is that this isn't over yet. I try hard NOT to think about, think too that maybe my demeanor on the phone made her feel like the door is closed....... I don't know. And I have to go with my gut because my gut told me last Sunday that something was going to go down. Then boom, she called. . Well, today is Friday, let's see what's in the mail box when I get home.