sunflower11 Posted December 6, 2011 Share Posted December 6, 2011 (edited) Ok so I was thinking about this today and how everyone has to grieve the end of a relationship and so on. Well...I've been reading a lot about how you have to accept that it is over, cry if you have to, deal with the pain, acknowledge the pain and the loss and all of that. But, I read so much about keeping your mind busy, trying new things, activities, etc so you don't let your mind wander and you end up feeling sad about your ex, thinking about him/her, missing them etc. Isn't that sort of contradictory? At times I feel that by keeping my mind busy I am ignoring the problem and put it in the back burner because it is too painful, or I don't want to have a crappy day and it hurts too much to think about him. Then how do you accept and acknowledge the pain if you are ..pretty much pushing the pain away by not letting yourself think about your ex? I am afraid that by not dealing with it now...in a couple of months it will hit me and I will be miserable but I don't exactly know what "dealing with it" means... Edited December 6, 2011 by sunflower11 Link to post Share on other sites
SelfCentered Posted December 6, 2011 Share Posted December 6, 2011 Ok so I was thinking about this today and how everyone has to grieve the end of a relationship and so on. Well...I've been reading a lot about how you have to accept that it is over, cry if you have to, deal with the pain, acknowledge the pain and the loss and all of that. But, I read so much about keeping your mind busy, trying new things, activities, etc so you don't let your mind wander and you end up feeling sad about your ex, thinking about him/her, missing them etc. Isn't that sort of contradictory? At times I feel that by keeping my mind busy I am ignoring the problem and put it in the back burner because it is too painful, or I don't want to have a crappy day and it hurts too much to think about him. Then how do you accept and acknowledge the pain if you are ..pretty much pushing the pain away by not letting yourself think about your ex? I am afraid that by not dealing with it now...in a couple of months it will hit me and I will be miserable but I don't exactly know what "dealing with it" means... I think this is an excellent point. Could someone experienced in coping give an answer? Like, right now. I'm at work and I have had a horrible morning. I feel so down, thinking about her non-stop. Do I throw myself into my work as an distraction or do I just give in to the emotion? Link to post Share on other sites
Kamila Posted December 6, 2011 Share Posted December 6, 2011 Ok so I was thinking about this today and how everyone has to grieve the end of a relationship and so on. Well...I've been reading a lot about how you have to accept that it is over, cry if you have to, deal with the pain, acknowledge the pain and the loss and all of that. But, I read so much about keeping your mind busy, trying new things, activities, etc so you don't let your mind wander and you end up feeling sad about your ex, thinking about him/her, missing them etc. Isn't that sort of contradictory? At times I feel that by keeping my mind busy I am ignoring the problem and put it in the back burner because it is too painful, or I don't want to have a crappy day and it hurts too much to think about him. Then how do you accept and acknowledge the pain if you are ..pretty much pushing the pain away by not letting yourself think about your ex? I am afraid that by not dealing with it now...in a couple of months it will hit me and I will be miserable but I don't exactly know what "dealing with it" means... I know what you mean sunflower. It also didn't hit me quite clearly when we broke up that we were 'over'. There's a huge difference between the two. You could still have some hope left or deny the fact that you are broken up, or that you're just 'on a break'. Sometimes contact with the ex is giving you hope, because they're so nice or want to help you. But no, that is no good. You must find a reason to get away from them. Something must trigger the reality of the end of the relationship, so you must look for 'triggers'. My trigger was the photo on facebook, it pushed me back to the moment after we broke up, only harder. Oh man, I cried like a baby that week. But afterwards, I was so relieved, it's like my ex-bf gave me 'relief'. That picture did so much for me. Of course, sometimes I'm dying of jealousy, but I'm healing inside, I really believe that. And then I feel pity for the girl he's with and how he's wooing her and giving her dreams and that once he's got her he'll take it all away. You're right that you shouldn't deny your feelings. You must feel them all, you must grieve, you must cry, you must vent all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunflower11 Posted December 6, 2011 Author Share Posted December 6, 2011 I think I know..it is over over. I know there is no steps or guide book towards moving on and putting it behind you...and yes NC is effective and all, mostly I was confused as to what "not denying your feelings and acknowledging the pain" means exactly. I know it will hurt but then again, by keeping my mind busy I'm not exactly letting it..hurt? Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 For me I allowed myself to feel when the thoughts were there but didn't sit around moping in bed all day. I went out and did things and allowed the thoughts to pass when they came. I didn't hide from my feelings and that allowed me to get where I am today. I'm less than 2 months out of a 5 year relationship where I both owned a house with her and was engaged... and I'm doing great. Other than a couple really down days a month or so ago I've been moving forward and life just keeps getting better. Link to post Share on other sites
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