budisudaryo Posted December 6, 2011 Share Posted December 6, 2011 Hi guys, I'm on NC now and I think I can cope with the thoughts of her that often times come into mind. But there's always these nagging questions like "what if I had done this and that? we're probably still a couple now," "did her ex come back to the picture without my knowledge?" "was her reason for breaking up legit or made up?" and many other things. Sometimes I just feel like asking her but that'd break the NC and I don't want that. Any advice? Link to post Share on other sites
Million.to.1 Posted December 6, 2011 Share Posted December 6, 2011 Take it from me... I keep breaking NC and these questions don't go away. You will never get an answer you want. I suggest reading through some threads on what the dumper is going through. Maybe these will help a bit in understanding why you can't get an answer or change what happened. Stay strong. Link to post Share on other sites
Popehappycat Posted December 6, 2011 Share Posted December 6, 2011 Forget it and move on. Sometimes wondering is better off than knowing. And as far as what if, it's useless. I went through it too, but I finally realized I was the same at the end of the relationship as I was at the start. Whatever ended us was all her, if she didn't mention any problems, I can't react to them. Nobody said our exes were logical creatures, so trying to apply logic in hindsight is futile. :-P Link to post Share on other sites
jordjones Posted December 6, 2011 Share Posted December 6, 2011 I had a rough day today, wondering what really happened. My suspicions lead me to terrible conclusions. I wish she would just tell me the truth, but how would that possibly be in her best interest - if she admitted to everything, I would probably never talk to her again. If I were in her position, I wouldn't tell her the whole truth either. It's just the way things are, and it sucks. I think this is why, at a certain point, you just have to say **** her, at least in your own mind. Because, in all likelihood, if she told you every last detail and dirty secret, you would say **** her to her face. Link to post Share on other sites
Author budisudaryo Posted December 6, 2011 Author Share Posted December 6, 2011 It's just the way things are, and it sucks. I think this is why, at a certain point, you just have to say **** her, at least in your own mind. Because, in all likelihood, if she told you every last detail and dirty secret, you would say **** her to her face. yes, those two words, f her, sometimes really help a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
lilyblue Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 I don't have any advice really, but I too have so many unanswered questions. That's all I have actually, as I was not told anything. It sucks. And I can't figure out how to accept it either. Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 I had so many unanswered questions its ridiculous. The dumper refused to answer any, so what can you do? I don't think there's much you can do. Link to post Share on other sites
swann Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 I think that all the questions have more or less the same answer: they don't love us anymore. Maybe they have met someone else, maybe not; but this is not going to chance the reality. They don't want to be with us anymore. What it kills me is having thoughts like "If I only had done that", this is the most painful thing in the end. I should have acted differently in a lot of things. Why I didn't? Because that wasn't me. I did my best and it's not been enough, so probably she was not "the one". But it's still very hard to forgive myself and not thinking that it's been only my fault... Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 I agree that wondering is much better than knowing when it comes to a past relationship. I went out of my way to know, it hurt worse. Now I am pretty much past wondering and have no want to know anything. Link to post Share on other sites
shayla Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 I think that trying to get those answers and the discomfort of never getting them is natural. It's like our minds are saying, "ok, this situation is so awful, there has to be logical reasons for this, and if I can figure those out, this will all make sense." But it hardly ever works out that way. Dumpers, especially cheaters are usually liars, so even if they gave you chapter and verse of their reasons why, most of it would be lies. People like that aren't just run of the mill liars. Lying is part of their lifestyle. Link to post Share on other sites
davesterr Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 (edited) LOL this made me laugh. Unfortunately this is probably true. From my experiance all i learned is , the more you snoop the more you get hurt. You broke up , and it's over. If you received closure from your ex it's nice but you never know if it is the full truth. Then again you can do all sort of stuff to find bits of information but it will only hurt yourself even more so i wouldn't recommend it since i speak from experiance. The questions why , what if and what could've been will never go away. But it doesn't matter anymore since it's the past. Sure if you knew it would give you a piece of mind but since you never truely will , the best thing is to just let it go and accept what is. See you can spend your whole life trying to figure how the world got created and do nothing but spending years on research. And if your lucky even when you have found out how the earth pretty much got created since nothing is certain then what? Nothing will have changed because the world right now is still the same. Or you can just accept the world for what it is , go outside and actually enjoy your life. Like i said: The thoughts will never go away. But they can matter less. You have to accept that the past is the past if you have no hopes of getting back together and then you have to live in the now. Living in the now is scary because we are on our own now but it can be done. You just need the courage to try and face your fears. Don't spend toomuch time dwelling and analizing the past since it won't change when there's so much life to be lived and so much you could do right now. Edited December 7, 2011 by davesterr Link to post Share on other sites
ScienceGal Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 My advice is: If someone is willing to lose you from their life, let them. Period. Link to post Share on other sites
J0N Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 For me there really was nothing I did other than get bored of rehashing the scenarios 10,000 times. With time you will begin to realize that it is no longer your problem. She did what she did for her own reasons, there was probably nothing you could have done to change her mind any way. Link to post Share on other sites
EyeAlone Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 My advice is: If someone is willing to lose you from their life, let them. Period. You are 100% correct. As I sit here at work, trying to hide my tears and blotchy face, that advice rings true in head and makes me feel a teensy bit better. Even if you were to talk to them again for closure, there's no way that you would know if they're lying (again) or not. I have an urge to call my ex but I'll suppress it because he no longer deserves my time. Link to post Share on other sites
Kamila Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 Hi guys, I'm on NC now and I think I can cope with the thoughts of her that often times come into mind. But there's always these nagging questions like "what if I had done this and that? we're probably still a couple now," "did her ex come back to the picture without my knowledge?" "was her reason for breaking up legit or made up?" and many other things. Sometimes I just feel like asking her but that'd break the NC and I don't want that. Any advice? So many questions, but no answers ... Countless of times I also had those questions floating in my mind. I still do. But you learn to accept that what is over can't be done again. It's sad but true. If you did everything while you were in the relationship to make it work and she didn't connect to you, or meet you halfway, then you did everything in your power and reached out to her. She didn't and it's her loss. She'll maybe regret in time. You shouldn't feel guilty... you tried. Link to post Share on other sites
LostJustLost Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 I did exactly that when I finally realized he wasn't coming back after his last message to me. I used every form of communication we had to ask question after question and it almost destroyed me to get nothing back but silence. I don't know what would have been worse, knowing the answers or being ignored. Either way I've come to realize that there are no answers that I can accept so there are none that can help me on my path to healing. It's best for me to just let them go and try to move on to where I can accept it for what it is. Over. What good would come from breaking NC to ask the questions in your mind? The reply would most likely only make y'all feel worse, lead to more questions, and worse - opening up the gaping wounds you're trying so hard to allow to heal, ya know? Link to post Share on other sites
Popehappycat Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 My advice is: If someone is willing to lose you from their life, let them. Period. Oh, I like that! Link to post Share on other sites
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