BS Problems

[whichwayisup]

Don't get your hopes up. He isn't going to put you first above his wife, especially now. I just am worried for you that you're holding hope that he'll contact you 'some day' ... And ... ?

 

Get rid of that hope and focus on letting go and healing. Find your path again without him on it.

[18Years2Late]

18Years2Late thought you could use some popcorn and a beer. I'll serve. But you need to get me a tea.

 

Just a question, that is absolutely none of my business, but I just want to know, please. Does your h know about the affair?

 

Yes he knows.

[18Years2Late]

Don't get your hopes up. He isn't going to put you first above his wife, especially now. I just am worried for you that you're holding hope that he'll contact you 'some day' ... And ... ?

 

Get rid of that hope and focus on letting go and healing. Find your path again without him on it.

 

I don't see how calling me to tell me his wife is driving across the country with a weapon and a smile would be putting me first above his wife but maybe I'm delusional...certainly possible...but one thing is for sure...I'm not holding out hope that he'll come back and I'll b holding a weapon and a smile if he does...it's over...forever and ever...he knows that...which is why he's grasping at strings to tie his M up with...I'm always going to love him...I have since I was 17 years old...that won't change now...and right now I'm hurt...not going to lie...but hope is gone...and I'm moving on...slowly but surely without him in my life...

[18Years2Late]

You will be happy again and have peace in your life. It's just gonna take some time. You'll smile again the worry won't always be so raw.

 

Thanks...

 

Now can you tell me please why you hyper-linked my user name???

[Brokenlady]

For every action there is a reaction. Be prepared to pay the price.

 

Well if this is universally true, shouldn't the wife have to expect and just deal with the fact that the op is forwarding the emails to her H? It seems to me that the wife is ramping up the drama instead of putting her energies where they ought to be and so if as a result of the op's lady email she gets hurt again, I can only shrug bc she brought that little bit on herself.

[18Years2Late]

Well if this is universally true, shouldn't the wife have to expect and just deal with the fact that the op is forwarding the emails to her H? It seems to me that the wife is ramping up the drama instead of putting her energies where they ought to be and so if as a result of the op's lady email she gets hurt again, I can only shrug bc she brought that little bit on herself.

 

Thats right! I brought things on myself...she's bringing things on herself...but it's over now...I'll no longer b a party to her self-destruction...cause maybe...but I won't watch...

[TigerCub]

For every action there is a reaction. Be prepared to pay the price.

 

True,

 

but doesn't that also apply to the BS that repeatedly took back someone that betrayed her and disrespected her?

 

Should the OP be paying for the BS's bad choices too?

[18Years2Late]

18, did you notice that in that long letter, basically the only time you apologized for the affair was once, at the very end?

 

The way I read it, the rest was just me, me, me... Poor me. Look at what your POS H did to me.

 

Surely you know she doesn't give a rat's ass about you.

 

What your letter is likely to do is add fuel to the fire. All this because you weren't able to delete a couple of unread emails.

 

Nope...I apologized 2 or 3 times...read it again...I've apologized to her 100x...not just in this letter...

[Owl]

The letter starts out fine...but there is too much focus on what went on in the past...and that's not what this letter should be addressing.

 

I agree with MissBee's assessment...drop all of the references to the dreams you shared (or had shattered), drop the focus on your pain, drop pretty much all the reference to what went on and is no longer occurring.

 

Apologize to her up front for the affair...make it clear that you've had no further contact with him but forwarding the emails, and that will happen no longer as you'll no longer see her emails, make it clear that this is over and done with from your perspective and you will no longer accept any further contact from either of them in any fashion.

 

3-5 paragraphs, tops.

 

Then hit send and delete that email account.

 

I don't see any value in spelling all of that information out again, especially if she already knows.

 

Spell out what's changing, why...then make it happen and drive on.

[reboot]

I'm curious as to what exactly was the point of that letter? I guess it was for the OP, because the BS certainly won't care. If she didn't believe you before she isn't going to believe you now. OP could have just as easily deleted the email account with no further correspondence and that would have been that. Maybe it was just a "I got the last word in" thing?

[Brokenlady]

I read it, and I stand by my assessment. The way SHE will read it is that you are whining about you, not apologizing

 

of course she will, bc she's all wrapped up in hating the op, deluding herself that her H was some innocent party, and not at all focusing on doing something productive in her marriage or choosing to leave it. In the end, op was trying tone compassionate, even if the delivery misfires. I am quite sure the bs put no such thought into the emails she blasted off to the op.

[Brokenlady]

True,

 

but doesn't that also apply to the BS that repeatedly took back someone that betrayed her and disrespected her?

 

Should the OP be paying for the BS's bad choices too?

 

One would think so, right? We hear a lot on this forum about how we can't feel sorry for those who choose their pain - namely ow's who know mm is married, but what about a bs who keeps taking back her h who is repeatedly caught cheating? Fool me once, you know, but fool me three times? She must be in a really bad place that she's willing to accept him after 3 d-days. It's sad. And with her anger filled emails to the op, it sounds as if she's not coping well. Hopefully now that the op has stopped the game, she can focus on herself and her rat bastard H.

[Brokenlady]

You're completely missing the point.

 

Who gives a rat's ass what the BS thinks?

 

This would never have been a problem if 18 hadn't read and responded to the emails in the first place! If she really is working on getting on with her life, she wouldn't be reading the emails, much less responding to them!

 

SHE IS BRINGING THIS ON HERSELF!

 

Why???

 

It also wouldn't have been a problem if the bs hadn't kept emailing the op, or if the mm had a shred on integrity. It's all over now anyway, so you needn't "shout".

[herenow]

All this over one email every three weeks? I get at least a couple dozen emails a day from people who say they want to give me cash, some who have jobs available for me, some who want to give me a bigger penis, etc. I have more uncles around the world who have passed away and left me millions of dollars than I have pairs of shoes. And, if you could see my closet you would know how plentiful that number is. All I need to do is pay the lawyer to get the money transferred into my account and I'm good to go. But, each of these emails senders only get one chance to annoy me. Then they are blocked or sent to junk mail. I guess I don't get why that would have been so hard to do in the first place. If a person really wants NC, it's very easy when it comes to emails. 18 was able to register for this site and post, she knows computers well enough to block or send an email to the junk folder.

 

I get the feeling that 18 was just as engaged in the contact as the BS. The letter is full of emotion and, IMO, 18 is still very much holding on to something. I'm not sure what, but if she truly wanted email NC, it's really easy to do. IMO, the letter will only anger the BS more and make it more likely that she will try to contact 18. Why not just a simple,"Sorry you are hurting, but I hurt too and now it's time for me to move on", and then block the BS's email. I really don't get why 18 felt the need to write such a letter when she says she just wants to be rid of the BS and the MM.

[18Years2Late]

All this over one email every three weeks? I get at least a couple dozen emails a day from people who say they want to give me cash, some who have jobs available for me, some who want to give me a bigger penis, etc. I have more uncles around the world who have passed away and left me millions of dollars than I have pairs of shoes. And, if you could see my closet you would know how plentiful that number is. All I need to do is pay the lawyer to get the money transferred into my account and I'm good to go. But, each of these emails senders only get one chance to annoy me. Then they are blocked or sent to junk mail. I guess I don't get why that would have been so hard to do in the first place. If a person really wants NC, it's very easy when it comes to emails. 18 was able to register for this site and post, she knows computers well enough to block or send an email to the junk folder.

 

I get the feeling that 18 was just as engaged in the contact as the BS. The letter is full of emotion and, IMO, 18 is still very much holding on to something. I'm not sure what, but if she truly wanted email NC, it's really easy to do. IMO, the letter will only anger the BS more and make it more likely that she will try to contact 18. Why not just a simple,"Sorry you are hurting, but I hurt too and now it's time for me to move on", and then block the BS's email. I really don't get why 18 felt the need to write such a letter when she says she just wants to be rid of the BS and the MM.

 

The letter was SENT yesterday...

 

The e-mail account was DELETED yesterday...

 

I'm HOLDING ON to nothing...if he came back now I'd call the W immediately and ask her to split the cost of the plane ticket with me to send him right back...or somewhere/anywhere else...her choice...but he's not staying here...

 

It was WAY more than one e-mail every 3 weeks...it was a string of emails for 2-3 daystroth a 3 week break and then she would rinse and repeat...

 

The letter was written with the intent of saying "I understand your pain...I have the same exact pain...but for very different reasons...but both at the hands of the SAME MAN"...I was trying to empathize with her...maybe it didn't come across that way bc of the length but I'm a wordy person...

 

It's done and I feel better...mostly bc she can't harass me anymore...

[Emme]

Well if this is universally true, shouldn't the wife have to expect and just deal with the fact that the op is forwarding the emails to her H? It seems to me that the wife is ramping up the drama instead of putting her energies where they ought to be and so if as a result of the op's lady email she gets hurt again, I can only shrug bc she brought that little bit on herself.

 

 

What your saying to me is that for every reaction there is a action.

 

Please note the wife didn't step into her life. 18Years2Late stepped into hers. Regardless of the fact if she possibly knew him first.

 

You don't help create ripple effects in people's life and then talk about going sailing. Like I said she helped to create this ripple effect, don't be taken aback. Logic is logic... you can't twist it to accommodate you, you can try. The bill is here and payment is due. The bill wouldn't arrive if you didn't go out on a shopping spree.

 

The wife doesn't have to deal with anything if she chooses not to, she has the ring. She's made the choice to try and make her life a living hell instead of turning a blind eye. She's entitled. As long as it's not a physical issue.

 

In the end if you believe every reaction there is a action... instead of her sending emails to the husband to complain about the harassment she can also choose to continue to f*ck him. Everyone has a choice. Life is nothing but choices.

 

Some of us just want her to be the bigger person and walk away. It's a choice.

[MissBee]

I'm curious as to what exactly was the point of that letter? I guess it was for the OP, because the BS certainly won't care. If she didn't believe you before she isn't going to believe you now. OP could have just as easily deleted the email account with no further correspondence and that would have been that. Maybe it was just a "I got the last word in" thing?

 

Ofcourse it is for her 18years2Late....I mean that's the only person it can and should be for. She can't do anything to alleviate this woman's pain and this woman can't do anything to alleviate her pain....

 

In the BS's emails to 18yrs2Late and in 18years2late's letters to her...I think both of them are trying to work out their own pain and use each other as a symbol/substitute. That's how it is sometimes.

 

How the letter reads, you can tell 18years2Late is working out some of her own thoughts, feelings and pain...and I can imagine in the BS's letters, if I were to read them you'd see that dynamic as well. It's normal...but ultimately someone has to realize after a while that this person really isn't the REAL problem and is not the real solution and then has to move forward to healing beyond using them as punching bags.

 

In my own breakup...even my ex himself was not my real problem. Initially it seemed like he was, I always felt like I needed closure from him and I would email him all kinds of lengthy things pouring out my feelings which were never enough. No matter what he said or didn't say or if he said sorry...I still found more things to be mad about and I never felt like it was okay. I then grew to realize that it wasn't him...I was just not dealing with the end of the relationship well and other issues and he was the obvious scapegoat for it all....I healed when I realized, yes he hurt me....but now what??? What can he REALLY do now to make me happy? Nothing at all. So I can't keep berating him or asking for closures or emailing him. I stopped. I began to focus on myself....then I moved on.

[Spark1111]

I find it amazing that two women are in a cat fight to seek closure, validation, justification and are trying to resolve (or NOT!) anger while the object of their affection remains as silent as a lamb.

 

The affair triangle dynamic at play and no one has successfully resolved much.

 

I believe her animosity is directed at you because NOW, NOW that NC is being somewhat enforced, he may be painting you as the agressor, the pursuer, the one who was chasing him to return.

 

I believe she doubts him, and will never believe you. That is why she had him link up the email account to her perview alone.

 

Why don't the three of you meet up in a locked room and beat the crap out of each other. The best man or best woman can remain standing....

 

JK!

 

But don't you find it odd that one sneaking, lying and cowardly man is appearing to be escaping unscathed by both of you as you tit for tat each other?

 

As for "having your say" and deleting your email account where she cannot respond seems passive aggressive to me.

 

I'd look for a snail mail war to now ensue.

 

Actually, you both seem to have a lot in common, as he skates through the path of destruction in his wake, seemingly....just fine with it all.

 

Your anger should be directed AT HIM. Her anger should be directed AT HIM.

 

But as long as you both continue to engage each other, he seems to be still deflecting all the fall out. Some men LOVE two women fighting over them!

 

Lucky, lucky guy.

[LilyBart]

I believe her animosity is directed at you because NOW, NOW that NC is being somewhat enforced, he may be painting you as the agressor, the pursuer, the one who was chasing him to return.

 

I believe she doubts him, and will never believe you. That is why she had him link up the email account to her perview alone.

 

Actually, I think it's the opposite. He's probably not saying much and/or he's trickle-truthing her which is what's fueling the W's obsession.

 

He's also probably not working very hard on repairing the M and consoling the W. If he was, she would focus more on her M instead of the OW.

 

I believe despite the NC, 18Y2L is probably still on his mind and there's a part of him that still loves her - and on a visceral level the W knows this. The W isn't admitting this to herself, can't take the anger out on him (because he stayed) so she takes it out on the OW. *shrug*

 

But don't you find it odd that one sneaking, lying and cowardly man is appearing to be escaping unscathed by both of you as you tit for tat each other?

 

As for "having your say" and deleting your email account where she cannot respond seems passive aggressive to me.

 

Who cares? So what if the "OW" had the last word and there's no avenue for the W to retort? Personally, I think 18Y2L needs to look after HERSELF first. I say good for her. She did what she needed to do.

 

I'd look for a snail mail war to now ensue.

 

18Y2L - this would be EXCELLENT. Even better proof for your RO - something sent through the US postal service with a legitimate postal mark on it. I know you're not inclined to lean this way but I'm telling you, KEEP TRACK OF ALL THIS.

 

Hopefully by deleting your email account you've heard the last of this woman. If not, slap her with an RO. There's not reason you need to deal with this. Good luck!

[findingnemo]

Hi 18,

 

I'm coming into this late but wanted to say I feel for you. I know how much you've acknowledged your part in all this and how much you want to move on. Regarding the BS, I think she's acting crazy and that perhaps xMM is causing this in some way even though your A is over.

 

I read your letter. I'm glad you could put your feelings down but...perhaps it was too much information for the BS. Well, it's sent, right? And that's that.

 

Should she try to contact you in another manner, her actions will amount to harassment and you must involve the police. The thing about having an A is that you never really know ehat kind of person the Bs is and how he/she will react. It's quite possible that a BS who is mentally unstable from the beginning will prove to be dangerous in reaction to discovering the betrayal. Just like all humans, some BS's are crazy to begin with and others are normal well adjusted people who would rather concentrate on their M's than stalk the OW/OM. That being said, I feel sorry for the pain the BW is in and the situation she has chosen to stay in. She obviously is having a very hard time coping. Now, finally, you can have some peace (I hope).

[nofool4u]

Any other BS out there might know why she continues to do this or what I can say to make her stop?

 

Why she is doing it is simple. She was betrayed which is basically emotional abuse. And yes, since you were a willing accomplice in the affair, her behavior is partially your fault.

 

Now she should be directing that anger towards her husband. He is the one that is the most to blame here.

 

But she was basically emotionally and mentally abused by the affair. I don't blame her for being angry, and don't blame her for being angry at you, but it does need to stop at some point for her own sanity.

 

 

How long before you didn't feel the need to contact the OW? If you did, and your WH knew, was he ok with it or did he ask u not to?

 

I may have felt the need to contact the OM initially, but realized it was my wife that was the main culprit. Sure I despised the OM, and rightfully so, but with my character, I simply didn't care to contact the dumbass.

 

As far as your xMM's wife, it doesn't matter if xMM is ok with it. Its not his call. He will have to sit and basically allow it. Otherwise it will be seen as nothing more than him trying to protect you. And maybe that is what she is testing him on.

 

Best thing for you to do is block her, or ignore her. If you can't block emails, you can create rules that automatically delete them. Its your reaction that keeps her coming back.

 

 

Any other xMM out there who R with your BS who have some insight? Did your BS act this way? If you knew about it, what reason would u have for "allowing" it to continue?

 

The reason would be its not up to them to allow anything, especially after being found out as a cheater. They don't wear the pants now.

 

 

Can't b good for the R right?

 

Oh, you care about their relationship now?

 

 

 

Anyway...just thought I'd post here for advice...hoping someone has something...since I can't email xMM and ream him a new one...

 

Its not up to him. Its out of his hands. If he doesn't like it, he can get out of the marriage. He has nothing to say about it.

 

You just need to block or ignore.

 

 

Oh...I can't delete my email account...and I know I slept with her H, I'm a POS homewrecker, and I deserve it...so now that we got that out of the way...

 

Thanks!

 

If this is a work email, you can possibly get your email address changed without deleting the account. I know with Exchange you can block particular emails and domains, but it would have to be done either by the administrator, or if using Outlook, you can right click her email and either block the address or domain. If its a domain you don't expect alot of other people to email you from, you can block the whole thing.

[nofool4u]

Since you have NO understanding of it and no personal story of your own being a BS or OW that you've shared, what is the payoff for you here? Just getting your jollies?

 

I think her point was that OP needs to see her own hypocrisy in that she got to help mentally abuse this BS for 3 years off and on, and NOW she is not liking the treatment she is getting in return.

 

Sorry, you don't get to punch someone in the face repeatedly and expect them to cower like a puppy dog. If you beat a dog, it will eventually bite and become mean.

 

Now I will digress and say that OP needs to simply block, filter, delete and ignore the wife. With no response from her, or emails forwarded to xMM, she will get bored of it eventually.

 

In the meantime, OP simply needs to take her lumps.

[donnamaybe]

Actually, I think it's the opposite. He's probably not saying much and/or he's trickle-truthing her which is what's fueling the W's obsession.

 

He's also probably not working very hard on repairing the M and consoling the W. If he was, she would focus more on her M instead of the OW.

 

I believe despite the NC, 18Y2L is probably still on his mind and there's a part of him that still loves her - and on a visceral level the W knows this. The W isn't admitting this to herself, can't take the anger out on him (because he stayed) so she takes it out on the OW. *shrug*

Wow. Projecting much?

 

It could be that this BS is just one VERY pissed off person and wants to get her digs in at whoever was involved. She could very well be making her H's life miserable right now, making him take HIS lumps as well to prove that she should bother with him at all.

[Brokenlady]

Wow. Projecting much?

 

It could be that this BS is just one VERY pissed off person and wants to get her digs in at whoever was involved. She could very well be making her H's life miserable right now, making him take HIS lumps as well to prove that she should bother with him at all.

 

If that's the case, one wonders why they bother staying M. If he's truly realized he loves and wants to be with his wife, you'd suppose she'd be feeling that live and be less inclined to exact revenge all the time on either of them. It's possible that lilybart is quite right. You can't just shut off feelings for someone you've been intimate with for 3 years.

[donnamaybe]

If that's the case, one wonders why they bother staying M. If he's truly realized he loves and wants to be with his wife, you'd suppose she'd be feeling that live and be less inclined to exact revenge all the time on either of them. It's possible that lilybart is quite right. You can't just shut off feelings for someone you've been intimate with for 3 years.

True, providing the feelings extend beyond his crotch. And that isn't any kind of comment on the AP. It's a comment on the WS. They tend to lie.