She sends mixed signals and friendzoned me!

[casualme]

Well, as the title said, I am kinda (ok, very with the capital V) confused right now and desperately need an advice. I really need to talk to someone, thats why i am gonna probably write bunch of stuff here, but, ohwell... I guess, first of all you should know that I am 21, male student and dont have much experience with women (was bullied at school for 6 years, so girls was the last thing I wanted, but now 1.5 years has passed since I finished school and im getting ''normal''). Actually I kinda have had a few gf's, but I've never even kissed or had sex obviously, it was more like a platonic relationship.

 

So... It all began a month+ ago, at a Halloween party. I was drunk and she was a bit too, when I asked her for a dance, we both were dancing, talking for a while, then after a while we shortened the distance between us two and by that I mean mostly hugging and near kisses (heads close-up, touching her neck etc, but nothing more), slowly in the rythm of music. (yes, I regret now that I didnt kiss her when I was drunk and very confident of myself, maybe thats when I blew it). So the evening passed, we spent the whole time together and after that we found out, that we actually live near each other. I thought this is gonna finally happen and Im gonna score, but nah, nothing happened, just flirting, laughing, hugging and all the other nice stuff. At her door we both decided to have another go, this time sober.

 

This was when we started dating, usually once or twice a week (both a bit busy students). But everything seems so unusual for me, for example each date lasts for about 6+ hours (during night time till morning), we are laughing our asses off all the time, touching each other a lot (this as I assumed is a good signal from her), flirting, talking tons of nasty things/jokes (sexually related), walking along streets, sitting and so on. Basically, the nearly perfect date with the perfect girl(19). When we dont meet, we chat online a lot and often, so much in common, endless talk topics, everything is amazing, we definetely had a connection, you know (except the fact we didnt kiss and she refused to hug when saying goodbye after the date even thought we did that all the time during date. I assumed that she doesnt wants to push it too hard, cuz then I'd probably would want to go inside with her). This continued for a month or so... but then, suddenly, previous sunday she said, that she wants a platonic relationship with me (friendzoned me) during online chatting. I was really like ''wtf'' inside my thoughts but maintained being friendly, told her that its gonna hurt me (she replied "you are gonna get over it") and so we left it.

 

Then I asked her out on monday evening (yesterday), cuz I really wanted to talk to her about the weird decision; she agreed immediately and the following was a huge confusement to myself: She seemed really happy again when we met, both talking bunch of (nasty)stuff and so on, like nothing had happened; but I did one thing - didnt touch her at all (except touches by accident etc) but what confused me (again) is that she kept doing it (even more than before), like tap on shoulder, ''accidently'' push me with her side, pull my hat down, grabbing my stuff and not giving it back, like wanting me to reply somehow by playing around with her like we used to do before, long eye contact moments and blah blah blah, i could keep writing forever. I let her know of what she said the evening before, and she confirmed, smiling and laughing - platonic only, she wont have sex with me (she is not a virgin and she does not know that I am). But i dunno why, it feels like she says it for some other reason, actually not wanting to say it.

 

And then, when the morning came, we had to say goobye and guess what happened. She invited me to go with her to a concert this wednesday, where her favourite band will play and of course I agreed, because I really feel like falling in love with her even though its been only a bit more than a month. So, basically she is sending me extremely mixed signals (or I am extremely exaggerating everything) and my women-unexperienced brain is getting waaaaaaay to confused and idk what to do

 

any advices please, how to get out of the friend zone. I would appreciate any quick replies as we are meeting tomorrow evening and I need to know what to do so that she doesnt dumps me completely.

[carhill]

Concerts are great places to flirt with other ladies. As a platonic friend, she will surely not mind this behavior. It's no different than going out with a guy friend.

 

The lesson is don't pass up an opportunity to express your sexual interest in a lady, whether by kissing her, touching her in a sexual way, etc. When you feel it, do it. If she rejects you, she does. Accept that and move on.

 

Enjoy the concert and welcome to LS

[casualme]

carhill, thanks for the reply. Maybe you can suggest, how should I interpret her weird behavior? Cuz I dont do all that when hanging out with my buddies lol

[EnchantedOne]

carhill, thanks for the reply. Maybe you can suggest, how should I interpret her weird behavior? Cuz I dont do all that when hanging out with my buddies lol

 

Maybe she wants more but is scared. However, she has said she wants to be friends right now. Be her friend. I know its hard to cross from friends to lovers, but its probably the only thing thats gonna happen right now.

 

Hang out and give her some time. In a few weeks express an interest in her. If you get the friend speech again, accept it. If you cant handle being her friend, then dont.

 

She clearly isnt interested in sex or more right now. I play around with certian guy friends I have the same way and I have told them friends only, no sex or anything. However, I make sure when we play around, I dont do anything extra to turn them on. I dont like teasing if I am not willing to help take care of their frustration.

[carhill]

The life lesson is 'don't interpret', rather 'do'.

 

Tomorrow, at the concert, live in the moment. Don't 'interpret', 'compile', or try to 'figure it out'. Just 'do'. If that is flirting with her and ignoring her past comments about 'no sex', then that. If it's chatting up another gal, that. Do what *you want to do*, in the moment.

 

If 'something comes up' and 'her plans change', erase her. Don't waffle on that. Just say 'I understand' and end the conversation. That's it. Then process your investment to neutrality.

[casualme]

However, I make sure when we play around, I dont do anything extra to turn them on. I dont like teasing if I am not willing to help take care of their frustration.

 

Oh god, when you say it like that I get it, this is exactly what she was doing when we used to play around. Thanks for your suggestion, I will definetely do it

[casualme]

If 'something comes up' and 'her plans change', erase her. Don't waffle on that. Just say 'I understand' and end the conversation. That's it. Then process your investment to neutrality.

 

With this you meant that if she suddenly cancels tomorrows ''friends hangout evening'' and I can go on my own if I wish. Did I get it correctly?

[carhill]

'Erase her' means she is irrelevant. Of course, if you enjoy the band, definitely do go to the concert alone or invite a friend.

 

You're apparently experiencing the same imbalance of investment that I did when I was a virgin. You care too much. Care less. Accept that you find her attractive, sure, but care less about how that turns out. You're invested too much in the results. If you weren't, this thread wouldn't exist.

[EnchantedOne]

'Erase her' means she is irrelevant. Of course, if you enjoy the band, definitely do go to the concert alone or invite a friend.

 

You're apparently experiencing the same imbalance of investment that I did when I was a virgin. You care too much. Care less. Accept that you find her attractive, sure, but care less about how that turns out. You're invested too much in the results. If you weren't, this thread wouldn't exist.

 

 

Women do that as well at times. Yeah, I agree you did put to much to soon into this girl.

 

After thinking more about it and having been the girl, heres something for you to think about. If you go to the concert with her and flirt with other girls, if your friend doesnt mind, you know all you are are friends. If you just focus on her tomorrow, that is fine.

 

I hate little games BUT if you spend less time talking to her and (less time)spending time with her, youll find out fast how much into you she is. If Ive liked a guy more then friends but for some reason I wasnt ready to be more, when hed pull back or go on dates it would bother me. I would then let him know. If I wasnt into him more then friends, it wouldnt bother me at all.

 

My last little bit of advice, I was 17 and in love with the guy I lost my virginity with. I would advise you to keep yours until someone you love and loves you back is in your life. Then it wont be regretful and starting off as FWB, isnt usually a good welcome into the world of sex lol

[casualme]

'Erase her' means she is irrelevant. Of course, if you enjoy the band, definitely do go to the concert alone or invite a friend.

 

You're apparently experiencing the same imbalance of investment that I did when I was a virgin. You care too much. Care less. Accept that you find her attractive, sure, but care less about how that turns out. You're invested too much in the results. If you weren't, this thread wouldn't exist.

 

Well, about an hour ago I received a message from her, just to check if I am going tomorrow (and I am). Plus she is taking her girlfriends too, a pretty good sign of friend zone, I guess.

 

Yes, I totally agree with you but the thing is that the fact of virginity bothers me a lot as I am no kiddo anymore and I'm really afraid of ending up like that dude in ''40 year old virgin''. And when I do finally start dating a girl, I cant get this thought out of my head; but I cant do anything, not even kiss her when its time. Anyways, no matter how it turns out, I'll have got lots of experience and thats something good.

 

So, I shouldn't ask her out for a while?

[carhill]

Oooh, flirting with multiple ladies. You're a lucky man!

 

Enjoy the show.

 

Remember, the key here is caring less. Don't worry about how your actions are viewed at the concert. I love concerts. Dance in the aisles (I'm a lousy dancer). They're a lot of fun. Go for what you want. What happens happens.

 

So, I shouldn't ask her out for a while?

 

That's known as 'investing in the future'. Live in the now. Tomorrow.

[casualme]

Women do that as well at times. Yeah, I agree you did put to much to soon into this girl.

 

After thinking more about it and having been the girl, heres something for you to think about. If you go to the concert with her and flirt with other girls, if your friend doesnt mind, you know all you are are friends. If you just focus on her tomorrow, that is fine.

 

I hate little games BUT if you spend less time talking to her and (less time)spending time with her, youll find out fast how much into you she is. If Ive liked a guy more then friends but for some reason I wasnt ready to be more, when hed pull back or go on dates it would bother me. I would then let him know. If I wasnt into him more then friends, it wouldnt bother me at all.

 

My last little bit of advice, I was 17 and in love with the guy I lost my virginity with. I would advise you to keep yours until someone you love and loves you back is in your life. Then it wont be regretful and starting off as FWB, isnt usually a good welcome into the world of sex lol

 

talking about the "friends" and "a-bit-more-than friends", if currently she has put me in the friends list, then is there any chance for me that she would reconsider this decision? As I read on some other websites, there are tons of tips on how to get out of this awful zone. And also, as you're a woman you might know whether it happened cuz I hesitated to kiss her for the first time?

[casualme]

Oooh, flirting with multiple ladies. You're a lucky man!

 

Enjoy the show.

 

Remember, the key here is caring less. Don't worry about how your actions are viewed at the concert. I love concerts. Dance in the aisles (I'm a lousy dancer). They're a lot of fun. Go for what you want. What happens happens.

 

That's known as 'investing in the future'. Live in the now. Tomorrow.

 

hahaha, indeed I am

 

''Caring less'' is almost like an art you need to practise for a very long time (or getting drunk, which shouldn't be the case). But I like what you say and I'll do my best to see how it works out tomorrow.

 

Investing in the future? Re-communicating with ''ex'' is something totally different than with a ''just a very good friend, I wanted to be with", right?

 

----

btw I hope my doubleposting isnt a very big deal here

Edited December 6, 2011 by casualme

[carhill]

"Investing in the future" means using current energy, thought and reflection to dwell upon events or potentials which are as of yet unknown and nebulous and 'in the future'. Expend such energy, thought and reflection upon the here and now. The future will present itself when it does.

 

Live in the *now*.

 

'Caring less' is simply processing the emotions you feel differently, staying more 'within yourself', rather than letting the erection of your care rule you. Nothing wrong with a proper and flaccid perspective.

[casualme]

okay, this evening has arrived, I'll leave in 15 minutes. Will do my best to act just as you both suggested (except the dancing part aaha ) and will definetely leave a note here when I come back this evening or tomorrow morning in the best case scenario

[carhill]

Good luck and enjoy the concert. Tip: No one really cares how you dance, if it's one of those concerts where everyone is up the whole time. Just have fun.

[casualme]

Good luck and enjoy the concert. Tip: No one really cares how you dance, if it's one of those concerts where everyone is up the whole time. Just have fun.

 

Well, the evening turned out pretty well, concert was okay (it was orchestra that played well known tunes, like from that pirate movie with johnny depp etc) and later on we three went to a bar, to listen to live music (guitar). Well yeah, I love guitar & also flirted with the other girl too during the evening, but mainly maintained interest in the first one. We sat side by side with her, talked silently and it was easy understandable that she actually likes me, but wants to be just friends for some weird reason.. After that her friend took a bus and I asked my friend-girl to walk her home instead of taking bus, hoping to talk this out, she agreed but of course I didnt say everything I wanted to. At least I am sure that friendzone is where I am listed currently.

 

Ah, oh yeah, her roommate (the girl she took with her) clearly saw how much I like this girl, probably this is gonna help somehow? Or girls dont do that?

 

thanks for all replies, talking this over really helps

Edited December 8, 2011 by casualme

[SimonMas]

Well, the evening turned out pretty well, concert was okay (it was orchestra that played well known tunes, like from that pirate movie with johnny depp etc) and later on we three went to a bar, to listen to live music (guitar). Well yeah, I love guitar & also flirted with the other girl too during the evening, but mainly maintained interest in the first one. We sat side by side with her, talked silently and it was easy understandable that she actually likes me, but wants to be just friends for some weird reason.. After that her friend took a bus and I asked my friend-girl to walk her home instead of taking bus, hoping to talk this out, she agreed but of course I didnt say everything I wanted to. At least I am sure that friendzone is where I am listed currently.

 

Ah, oh yeah, her roommate (the girl she took with her) clearly saw how much I like this girl, probably this is gonna help somehow? Or girls dont do that?

 

thanks for all replies, talking this over really helps

 

When I read your post, it reminded me of my younger days when I was dating my girlfriend (whom I shall call as J) who is now my wife. We met during a hiking trip with a few mutual friends. We went out a few times after that as casual friends. Neither one of us wanted to commit ourselves as we felt we were not ready for a serious relationship. I just broke up with my ex gf and I didn't want to go through the whole ordeal again. As for J, she wasn't ready to settle down or be in an exclusive relationship.

 

We began to see other 3 to 4 times a week, normally for dinner or some other activities like watching a movie or bowling. We never brought up the subject on how we wanted to develop the relationship, we just allowed nature to take its own course and remained as casual friends

 

One day, J invited me to visit her home state which was a couple of hours away. I agreed. On that day, J had her good friend (a female colleague) to join us in that trip. I was kinda disappointed but I went along and try to make the best out of it. After dropping both of them at their apartments, I got a call from her as soon I reached my place. J called me from a pay phone to make sure that I got home alright as it was raining heavily and I was kinda tired after that long trip. I then felt that there must be something special there.

 

A couple of days later, I called her colleague...started with some small talk and then I asked her about J.... whether J has any feelings for me. Her colleague told me that J talked about me all the time...what a great guy I am ....and the reason J brought her along was to allow her to see for herself and to get her opinion on me. From then on, I knew I wanted to have a serious relationship and we ended up marrying and have been together for 10 years now.

 

My advice is to take it slow and see how it goes. Good luck!

[EnchantedOne]

talking about the "friends" and "a-bit-more-than friends", if currently she has put me in the friends list, then is there any chance for me that she would reconsider this decision? As I read on some other websites, there are tons of tips on how to get out of this awful zone. And also, as you're a woman you might know whether it happened cuz I hesitated to kiss her for the first time?

 

HAHA maybe Im the wrong one to ask since I am having an issue with dating/FWB with my ex. But I dont know how to get out of friends only. Excet just treat her as a date and dont hang out a lot as friends. Take her out some and go to dinner ect.

Not kissing her is not what did it. If anything, it could have ruined even a friendship b/c if she truly doesnt want you more then friends that kiss could have made her not want to hang out.