Seeing MM & W every day

[woinlove]

A lot of people say that lasting happiness must come from within. To some degree, I understand this. We all need a good sense of ourselves and to fulfill our basic happiness on our own. But I don't believe that all of us can be happy just on our own. Babies fail to thrive if they are not touched and held and just LOVED and I believe it is the same for adults. I've been single for seven years, the years of my so-called prime of life. In this time I have watched 12 of my friends die from cancer, including my brother (he was 33). I've been through a glut of hardship that is indescribable. I would love to have someone in my life that I could share the highs and lows of life with, theirs and mine. Perhaps watching so many around me suffer and die -- some alone and some with partners by their side -- has fostered this desire in me. The ones who died alone suffered not just from their illness but by their loneliness and by their regret that they did not have someone in their life prior to that point to share a family with, to share travel, friends, daily life with. It is from this very basic human drive for companionship that I think I speak from. I can be "happy" on my own to some degree, certainly, but having someone to truly share the happiness (and the pain) with would be wonderful and I think many likely share this sentiment with me.

 

I've known a few happy people who were largely loners, but the majority had people close to them. Even though they were happy before finding a life partner, it didn't mean they didn't want a life partner. They just wanted the right one and they weren't in "waiting to find that special person before I can be really happy" mode. I wonder how many people in that mode actually do find lasting happiness.

[round1]

I do spend a hell of a lot of time thinking of him- why he is doing what he is doing. Not because I want a him and me. More on the lines of from my eyes he is very active promoting himself in areas that I feel from comments he made, he never would. I think he is getting at me, trying to prove a point- that he is happy n moving on or that he really is a good business man- not the **** I think he is.

 

I have had a few days thinking- I maybe wrong, but when I was in the affair he told me the only way he feels he has control or the way he deals with problems is to work work work. That's all he knows. That's why he said he was scared of his future in terms of his relationship- he said he had not control. Also said underneath he is paddling like a duck but on the surface a cool calm swan.

 

So going on the basis this is all me- obsessing over what he is doing and why- how can I stop? I'm trying! Will it pass- I mean is that a phase also. I keep busy as much as possible.

Also just last night I learnt that a deal I have been trying to get for my business- which he knew all about because we spoke about it- we'll he has gone and put himself in partnership with them!

 

So what does that mean- its me again thinking he is getting in my face? It feels like it , he knows I want this company.

Anyway facts are its a free world, we are same industry but different trades- I am still going to go out and get his deal if I can.

 

Business wise I respected him and looked up to him so I struggle- I'm 8 mo ths I to a new business trying to get more clients n deals and he has 17 years on me, in that field so his working reputation gets him deals quicker than me- I have to prove my worth..

I messed up big time and I am paying a price in all ways. But he isn't. He still has hi wife- she may be mad as hell- but she has taught him what? It's ok to cheat cause I am still here..ok I know I have no idea what their life is and I know I need to not care- but I do:/. He has not suffered the loss that I did , I lost him and a baby.

He gets to work on his marriage and in the end , the chances are they will be ok- the business is booming and they are heavily working on this now- so nothing changed- that was his life before I met him.

 

Look I know something's I saying are bloody messed up. I feel it right now. 2 months no stop in my face- I can accept they are getting on- I hear what some of you said- and I see now he just does t care what he does- but why couldn't he lay low for a while! I am keeping myself very low key to not upset them- respecting their wishes makin sure I have told now one at their request-

I guess i am very caught up in this - I do want to step back - I don't think I am allowing myself.

I still hurt.

[NoIDidn't]

Hi NID. I dont understand where you think my post was negative? All I was saying is that I got from Round's post is that she sees xMM and his W going on with life like nothing really happen. The words "united front" actually came from WWIU's post. I normally would agree with her, but in this case, I didnt. I have seen all the time where couples who experience an A in their M, they reconnect fast and furious. Its only until after some time has passed, does reality really sink in and the real work on the M begins. They smile on the outside, but like you said, hide the shame behind closed doors. So, just because Round sees their picture, looking happy, smiling, etc, dosent mean that their lives werent affected by what happen. Often times, its very hard for OW/OM to see their AP go back to the M, and watch it progress. You constantly think...wow..he just went back to his life like nothing happen and here I am...left out in the cold. You know? I never meant my post to be anything but helpful.

 

I didn't mean to imply that I thought your entire post was negative. I just took issue with "united front" as it makes it sound like the couple is just pretending and only doing it to hurt the OP. I was really only reacting to that part.

 

I included 2sure's post because it states what I think is usually why so many OP make all the wrong steps in their healing initially by focusing on the married couple.

 

Round's story is a little more complex because she did lose a pregnancy in all this and it appears that the MM in her case was looking for an escape, not to create a new family. Yet, the final analysis will prove to be similar to those that didn't lose a pregnancy. In order to go through this grief, all have to think about their own welfare and how they are making it through, not wonder "how could they" as it will keep you stuck. (personal experiences validate this)

 

It has been a long time since I was OW and a year since I became a divorced BS.

 

But like all of us - meaning People - I have come across and dealt with many individuals and relationships that in hindsight I see were not good for me.

 

At the end of ANY relationship - be it a marriage, a friendship, a professional thing...that did not end as we expected - we go thru phases. Anger is one of them.

 

But ultimately, what we do is learn from it. Learn more about OURSELVES.

 

I just wish I could explain to some of the OW here that are hurting:

 

Your recovery from the loss, or your acceptance of the end , or your anger

is not going to be resolved while you are spending time wondering :

 

Why he had an affair. What he & his wife are doing. How could he treat you this way?

 

All of the answers you need to move on, have to come from you.

Do not make it about the mistake, make it about the lesson.

 

And as far as forgiveness...sure yeah, thats always a good thing. Forgive him, forgive yourself..OK. But you better also start asking some questions of yourself. Make your healing about YOU.