Is my marriage over?

[softwarekate]

I'm a 40yo woman who has worked since 16, I have advanced degrees and never really dated. You would always find me behind a computer, doing math problems or my weird hobbies.

 

I am quite successful in the tech field. At 35 I met a guy and a few months later we were married. My husband is 48 now. I got married because I wanted to have kids, but it turns out he can't have kids and I believe he has ED too. He don't want to address it at the doctors either. I guess it is him because I checked out fine on all my medical tests. We talked about adopting, but he is very aloof and he gives me little attention or acknowledgement. He was the only guy I was ever with sexually. I was more religious at one time. I do love him though, and we share many interests. He is mentally abusive to me at times though. I also have B cup breasts and he always bothers me to get implants.

 

I take very good care of my body, never smoked, drank coffee or alcohol, and exercise an hour or two a day. I am athletic, a yoga instructor and a workaholic. I can easily pass for 25. My problem does involve work now, I travel a lot and I am mentoring a younger male employee. He is 29 and we spent the last few months on the road doing presentations in various US cities. We would work late together on projects in hotels, work out together in the gym, and share everything. He became my best friend. I don't think he had a girl in his life either, he is very shy and lacks social skills, but intimidatingly handsome. I guess that personality is typical for people in tech.

 

There were many instances where we were mistaken for Mr and Mrs...we would always joke about it. We did hold hands a few times but there was nothing really to that.

 

Something happened a few days ago - no we didn't have sex - but there was a physical connection. Not sure if I should describe details but I need to confess. I took a shower and put on a short bathrobe, he came in to my room and he reminded me about a presentation that had to be finished by tomorrow. I probably should have put something else on, but I was tired and I thought nothing of it.

 

As work progressed, he put his hand on my bare leg and I froze. I then moved a bit closer to him, he put his hand farther up, undid my belt, and felt my body, and just held me for about 30 mins. I did have underwear on. I let him massage my body afterwards, I never had a better feeling in my life. Next thing was a quick kiss,

He then stopped, and said this is just not right, lets think about it. I thanked him for being the "grownup."

 

Here is my guilt- if he went all the way, I'm not sure if I would have resisted at that point. I don't know if I was driven by hormones or feelings either. Deep down I want kids of my own at any cost, and I know I'm getting older. I also thought of how my husband neglects any feelings I have (I love to be held, much more than sex, and it didn't happen in years). I probably would have killed myself in the morning though if I actually had sex. I always told the guy how I waited until marriage and its very special to do so. In the end I think my rational side would have resisted any sex.

 

Now I feel horrible because I am married and I have to tell my husband. I admit, I do have feelings for this guy but I am married and I should have exercised better judgement. I have to live with the fact that I am an adulteress, which is making me very depressed.

 

He apologized too and said he made the move because I always complained about my marriage and thought there may be a chance. He said he should have expressed his feelings first and we should have mutually thought it over before doing what happened.

 

He revealed he deeply loves me way beyond any physical aspect. He suggested that he should maybe move to another dept in the company, I have no problem with that, he is a great employee. We agreed that there will never be any mention of anything to anyone at the company. I never told him I have feelings for him. I honestly think he should be with someone younger than him or at least single.

 

I don't blame him for what he did but I should have resisted. I also had no business telling him about my loveless marriage. I'm also heartbroken that I'll probably never see him again.

 

I'm an honest person and I decided to tell my husband what happened. I'm scared how he is going to react though. I would hate to divorce, I have an old school notion of forever marriage.

[TigerCub]

Hi SoftwareKate

 

well, you did wrong, but at least you're looking at dealing with the aftermath in a mature and honest way.

 

Your husband, as you said is emotionally abusive and you lack intimacy - so I can see why a part of you was flirting with the young coworker and trying to find your connection elsewhere, but you do know that its wrong and you put and end to it - so good for you on that - not many people do that (until its too late).

 

How do you think your husband will handle the information? You mentioned that you don't want a divorce - so do you think that your H will want one knowing what happened?

 

Since your H seems reluctant to even talk to a doctor about his ED problems, I'm guessing marriage counseling would also be an idea that he rejects?

 

I understand that you see marriage as a forever thing (most people try to see it that way too) - but if you really want a child, and your H is abusive, and you're not even close or even on the same page about kids, maybe divorcing wouldn't be the worst thing that would happen - I think bringing a kid that's not totally wanted into a messed up situation would be even worse. Don't you?

 

What were your H's views on children before you got married?

[PinkInTheLimo]

I read your opening post and my heart bleeds for you. You wonder if your marriage is over. Based on what you write I wonder if it being over would be such a bad thing.

 

Let me guess. You are probably a total geek but nevertheless a loving, warm woman. But since you never dated you married a guy thinking that maybe this would be your only chance on marriage. It is not. It seems to me that your younger coworker might maybe be the man for you. Probably also a very smart guy but not a dater.

 

You want kids and you are 40. Maybe it is time to take a huge risk.

 

Your feelings of guilt show what a deep person you are. But I think you should not feel guilty because this experience has at least shown you how it feels to be really held by someone.

[soserious1]

I read your opening post and my heart bleeds for you. You wonder if your marriage is over. Based on what you write I wonder if it being over would be such a bad thing.

 

Let me guess. You are probably a total geek but nevertheless a loving, warm woman. But since you never dated you married a guy thinking that maybe this would be your only chance on marriage. It is not. It seems to me that your younger coworker might maybe be the man for you. Probably also a very smart guy but not a dater.

 

You want kids and you are 40. Maybe it is time to take a huge risk.

 

Your feelings of guilt show what a deep person you are. But I think you should not feel guilty because this experience has at least shown you how it feels to be really held by someone.

 

If the OP was a man, he'd be getting roasted to bits here, he'd be grilled about what it was he was doing to cause his wife's problems! She's abused and afraid? but not too afraid to be half naked in a hotel room with a co-worker?

 

OP you need to confess to your husband as soon as possible, he deserves to know of your infidelity so that he can decide if he wants to try to work things out with you or kick you to the curb.

[softwarekate]

Hi SoftwareKate

 

well, you did wrong, but at least you're looking at dealing with the aftermath in a mature and honest way.

 

Your husband, as you said is emotionally abusive and you lack intimacy - so I can see why a part of you was flirting with the young coworker and trying to find your connection elsewhere, but you do know that its wrong and you put and end to it - so good for you on that - not many people do that (until its too late).

 

How do you think your husband will handle the information? You mentioned that you don't want a divorce - so do you think that your H will want one knowing what happened?

 

Since your H seems reluctant to even talk to a doctor about his ED problems, I'm guessing marriage counseling would also be an idea that he rejects?

 

I understand that you see marriage as a forever thing (most people try to see it that way too) - but if you really want a child, and your H is abusive, and you're not even close or even on the same page about kids, maybe divorcing wouldn't be the worst thing that would happen - I think bringing a kid that's not totally wanted into a messed up situation would be even worse. Don't you?

 

What were your H's views on children before you got married?

 

Thanks for the responses, I feel devastated now and need a place to air out.

Believe me, I'm the LAST person on earth that would consider cheating. It is tantamount to the head of the drug enforcement agency selling pot on street corner (nothing would surprise anyone today). I walked away from my husband in tears for months and took a position that just gets me away from home.

 

I really don't know how my husband is going to handle it, he may shrug it off or maybe I'll end up in the morning paper. I'm going to think hard how and when I'm going to reveal it. I do have a feeling though the marriage is reaching a terminal - and nothing is going to change.

 

I asked him for two years to get counselling, he is too "man" to go. He also recently told me he isn't even sure he wants a baby at 50, and a college graduation at 70. That really depressed me. When we dated he was open to having one child, it just never happened. He was married once before and has a grown son. After he married his sex drive seem to get less and less, I took it very personal at first.

 

@PinkInTheLimo

 

I'm by design a very patient and good natured person, I told hubby I'm practically open to anything reasonable he wants. I give 100%, that is one of the qualities the co-worker saw in me. He told me at the end that I was the greatest positive influence on his life.

 

I'm not trying to praise myself.

 

I'm not really a good dater, I feel now if I divorce my coworker will be the shoulder to cry on and things will probably go from there. I'm not sure though with his lack of experience he could make a decision with me, I don't want to hurt him or myself. I also HATE being alone, I'm probably going to move back to my parents, not for money reasons either.

 

I am 40, I really want my own kids and a loving husband(if I had it to do over I would have married at 25) and realistically I can't afford a few years in the dating pool. I am cynical about men. I was on dating sites for a few years I found most men interested in one thing.

 

I would rather not end up and an IVF science experiment at 45 either. Maybe this is an unrealistic fairy tale in my case.

[Afishwithabike]

You and your husband sound very disconnected from each other. From the outside looking in, it doesn't sound like you two ever had a happy marriage. It sounds like you settled because of fear of growing older without a husband and he settled because he wanted a companion too.

 

Is there a marriage here? One worth salvaging? If he's abusing you, please leave. It's far better to be single or divorced. I understand that fear of divorce can be paralyzing, but staying in an abusive marriage is a disservice to yourself.

 

I understand your desire to be a mother, but please don't bring children into a bad marriage. Children are incredibly stressful, expensive and time consuming. I know of what I speak. Having a child with your husband (mentally abusive, aloof, unwilling to get help for his problem, wants you to get plastic surgery) is going to make things really unpleasant between you two.

 

You owe it to your husband to tell the truth about what happened with the co-worker.

 

After that, you need to figure out whether you're going to let the fear of the unknown keep you in a marriage that's not fulfilling to you.

[Nikki82]

And this is another perfect example why "saving yourself for marriage" is not a logical, good idea.

 

You saved yourself for what? Some jerk who said a few unfelt vows?

And you, you didn't marry for the right reason, so what's the point in saving yourself for marriage??

 

If you want a chance to have your own children with a GOOD father, start your divorce now. Otherwise, maybe you should look into adoption. There are so many children ALREADY in this world that need someone to love them. But so many people still insist on bringing their own "blood" into this world rather than adopt. Remember this, blood doesn't always make a family!

 

Good luck. Be strong. And be more logical.

[mixed_signals]

It's obvious that you are NOT happy. In my opinion, bringing children into this situation would only make it worse and in the end you would all be miserable. I understand how you feel and admire you for wanting to honor thevows you made. However, there are only two solutions to your dilemma...

 

#1 move on and chalk it up! (NOT necessarily move on as in getting into another relationship anytime soon, instead enjoy some time alone and getting to REALLY know your wants, needs & desires. Also, please do NOT look at it as a loss and waste of time. Rather, look at it as a learning experience.

 

#2 accept the fact that your sex life is NOT going to ever be what it could by staying and dealing with his ED. Make the most of the relationship and dothings to rekindle the fire that once burned with desire for one another. STOP looking outside the relationship for satisfaction. Instead, learn to satisfyyour own sexual needs... Woman, get you some toys and enjoy! (With or without him in your presence.)

Edited December 7, 2011 by mixed_signals

[The Blue Knight]

Hi Software,

 

Your husband sounds a bit closed off and suffers from what I'd describe as over-machoism based on what you posted. He doesn't want to do anything about or even discuss his marriage problems, his ED, his lack of physical connection to his wife and what sounds like a host of other things. Those are all bad signs.

 

Moreover, he sounds a bit shallow to me. You have B-Cups and he's bugging you about breast implants? Suggest to him that you'd like him to have a 12" erection and an implant would really help you at your end and maybe that will put this issue to bed. I'm sorry, but he said he loved you and then went on to marry you with B-Cups. Now, he wants you "enhanced." He strikes me as selfish. And even if you go to D-Cups what's going to change? He seems to have a lackadaisical interest in sex or very much physical contact.

 

You didn't go into the "mental abuse" part of your posting with very much detail. Although the "B-Cups Problem" signify what kind of person he is I believe.

 

You mentioned being an adulterous. Adultery in the Biblical sense is sexual intercourse when you're married. It appears you didn't go that far. But there are clearly some issues here. You've grown close to this co-worker for several reasons and one of them seems to be that you're getting attention that you're not getting at home. That doesn't make what you did right, but you and this guy didn't cross the line completely and for that reason you should think over how you want to handle this. You need to access your feelings about some things here. If you're going to tell your husband and you're unsure of how he's going to take the news about your co-worker, first of all make sure you're safe by telling him in a public place over coffee or some other venue where you're protected. Frankly, I don't think a woman in a marriage should EVER have to worry about physical abuse and psychological abuse is just one notch down the ladder in my opinion.

 

I'll echo what others have said. Don't have children with your husband. He's not committed to the idea and you two are in a very bad place right now for children to come into the marriage. Children make a marriage more difficult due to added stress and responsibilities. A marriage has to be stable and in a good place I believe to bring children into it.

[softwarekate]

Thanks again for these responses, I'm still trying to reflect on everything.

 

I never even came close to having sex, I did have panties on, and he never touched me down there. I was topless though, honestly I wanted him to evaluate my breasts if this was going to happen.

Why? My hubby EMBARRASSED me in front of his cigar smoking friends, He said I'm flat as an 12year old, and they all laughed and said you to him you should stop hanging around middle schools(dumb male humor). I also asked my mom if she thinks I am normal as well, I ended up disrobing in front of her because I felt so bad about myself. My breasts don't sag at all at my age and they are small- to medium sized(33-34B). I really don't want anything larger because I'm athletic.

 

I held back tears when his friends laughed. I wanted to mention his contact ED but I didn't. That is SO FRUSTRATING for me. I never masturbated either, because I had guilt over that. Recently that is changing though . I admit after the guy left I went under the covers and went to work on myself, maybe that reinforced some of the guilt. I'm getting interested in toys too lol.

 

I never criticized him for his ED, I said is there anything I can do, I did things with made me uncomfortable, offered to go with him to doctors, etc. Then he told me it never happened with his ex wife and another women he dated. He blamed it on my breasts and some other things. I investigated breast augmentation but I don't want to subject myself to that risk, and I don't honestly think it would help him one bit. I absolutely took it personal at that point.

 

I still believe in waiting but if that happened on a few dates there is no way in hell I would have married the man. Would you buy a PC that rarely boots? Or better yet software that constantly crashes? Maybe friends if he was very nice. I do feel bad though that I saved myself for someone like him.

 

I'll say also that my hubby ruined my confidence, and maybe that is why I let my coworker continue. He put me down in front of his friends, practically short of calling me a closet lesbian because I have such a serious career. He said I'm desperately trying to be a man. My husband is a powerful executive in a major corporation, I met him at a conference. I've read articles on CNN, etc. and he was mentioned. Maybe you have be a bit sociopathic to reach those levels. Before we married he was the nicest person in the world to me, and he was thrilled about marrying a virgin. He called me a rare gem. Guess that is typical for sales and marketing, no?

 

He also wanted me to quit my job after getting married, a TOTAL reversal of what he said when we dated. Same with kids.

 

Before I took the travel role, I used to cook him a full course dinner every night(I was in culinary school years ago because I considered going into restaurant business). This was after a long hard day. Believe me, he wasn't satisfied with that either. I encouraged him to eat healthier foods, that didn't go well all. All I got was abuse. I don't drink, and he always picked on that. I also eat a healthy diet, and he liked foods that I don't eat, but I have no problem making them. He said I'm sorry I married a little wussie girl.

 

I also made a big dinner at home for all his business associates and they thought the food was catered. I served it and didn't even eat because I was so tired. He said my little servant prepared it, with a host of other put downs that I don't even want to mention, getting worse as he had more champagne. He ended up describing to total strangers how my curtains match my drapes and I don't like razors down there. Then he went on about his first sexual experience on our honeymoon to them, which honestly SUCKED, no foreplay and I hurt and bled a lot. He said he was concerned I was frigid at first..umm I was tight, sorry. Even one of the men told him to shut up and see the tears in your wife's eyes. The man escorted him out and apologized, and told me I'm a saint for remaining his wife. The other exec told me a few years ago he settled a sexual harassment lawsuit with a female coworker over remarks about her body in a performance review. I wanted to then interject about his ED but I somehow couldn't.

 

I'll admit though he never hit me or did anything physical, I'm very thankful for that. I do worry though how he is going to react to what I did. I am going to reveal what I did in a public place. The problem is my hubby thinks NOTHING of what he does....when your read about the bank execs getting 10mill bonuses but 100s of families got kicked out on the street I'm sure they would do it again and again if they could and there were no consequences. I can't say to him I was with the guy because he treated me like so and so. That would never fly.

 

I had this thought of even NOT telling him, and calling it an equitable deal for all the things he did to me. I really didn't go all the way and the contact I had isn't much more than if I went to a doctor or got spa massage. I was reading how men see sexual surrogates and never even tell their wives, and that can involve real sex. They consider it a therapeutic treatment.

 

Before NY had no fault divorce, only real Sexual Intercourse is grounds for a divorce, as is mental cruelty.

Edited December 7, 2011 by softwarekate

[The Blue Knight]

I kind of suspected there was more here than what you originally posted. You've got far more on your hands there from what your second post says.

 

I'll just be blunt and say your husband is a tool. YOU DO NOT embarrass your wife about her body, looks, self-image in front of other people. I've made jokes about my wife not being someone who cooks but that's a running joke between she and I and it doesn't hurt her feelings or I'd never make a joke about it.

 

It's too bad you didn't make a comment about his ED in front of those guys. You're obviously too nice of a person and were considerate of his feelings.

 

And I'm sitting here with my blood pressure coming out of my ears reading how he treated you at the dinner you served. What a pig to even talk about your Honeymoon with these men. And oh . . . hello . . . has he heard of foreplay or is he that selfish and unwittingly stupid? You were a virgin. He should have taken it very slowly and made it a wonderful and memorable experience for you. Instead, it comes off as he wanted to get off quickly and go to sleep.

 

I know you'll hate me asking this question but what the %@ did you marry this guy for? He has the manners and the etiquette of an absolute pig!

 

You have nothing to do with his ED Software. It's very common in men 40 to 45 and over. It's a physical thing and isn't related to you in the least. Viagra would solve the problem but I doubt that his fragile ego would allow for him to purchase it. Your breast size isn't related to his ED issue anymore than the price of tea in China. Trust me when I tell you that. He's using it as a reason to put you down. To make you feel bad about yourself and subservient to him.

 

My ex-wife was a 34B and they were plenty big enough and she was petite and was considered quite attractive. This isn't about you. It's about him. Be sure to dwell on what I'm telling you, because this isn't about you in any regard.

 

The fact that he's a major player in a big corporation is suggestive of a man who has probably mistreated people throughout the years and gotten away with it. Not all execs are that way of course, but from what you're describing, we've got one here, and unfortunately, you're married to him.

 

As far as what happened with this other man. Don't tell him. Nothing really did happen except that your eyes were opened to a man who treated you like you deserved to be treated. You did not cross the line and frankly, given the more I know about your husband, if you would have indeed crossed the line, I'm not entirely sure it would have not been deserved.

 

 

 

 

[Afishwithabike]

He sounds like a horrible husband. He is abusive. I think he would be abusive to any children you brought into the marriage.

 

Not hitting you isn't something to praise. Really if the best thing one can about a spouse is "well at least he didn't hit me" you know things are pretty bad. It's a given a man shouldn't hit a woman and vice versa.

 

Is this marriage working for you?

 

I would get out now.

 

The longer you stay the bigger the hit to your self-esteem.

 

Normally I advocate coming clean about any flirtations with co-workers, but in your situation, if you're concerned for your safety given his track record, I would advise you to hold off on confessing. Just get out now.

 

What I don't understand is surely he must have shown some indication of these traits before you got married? Is he such a good actor that you didn't see these boorish qualities before you married him? Didn't you two date? I understand you saved yourself for marriage, but you must have things during the courtship period. Or did you see those things and decide to marry him anyway?

 

NY is a no-fault state since 2010.

Edited December 7, 2011 by Afishwithabike
spelling

[The Blue Knight]

What I don't understand is surely he must have shown some indication of these traits before you got married? Is he such a good actor that you didn't see these boorish qualities before you married him? Didn't you two date? I understand you saved yourself for marriage, but you must have things during the courtship period. Or did you see those things and decide to marry him anyway?

 

NY is a no-fault state since 2010.

 

It sounds like the courtship was fairly short and they married relatively quickly. That being the case he was probably able to suppress much of his true personality or she simply didn't allow herself to see the real man that he was.

 

In either case, this guy isn't worth hanging on too. Don't get caught in that trap of telling yourself you're too old to find the right person. That's never the case. There are plenty of men out there who will treat you with dignity and respect, something your husband fails miserably at.

[reboot]

gul·li·ble/ˈgələbəl/

 

Adjective:Easily persuaded to believe something; credulous.

[soozie86]

Reading your post makes me feel so sad and angry.....Your husband has treated you really badly and it's not on. If someone who supposedly loved me ever mocked or talked about me like that I would leave.

 

If I was you I would not even feel guilty about what happened with your co-worker. I would leave your husband and find someone who will love and treat you properly.

 

Can you imagine you spending the rest of your life with your husband? If not get out now...

 

That’s my two cents

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

[phillyfan]

Dude sounds like the dude in the hotel room is like, ur tru love. U wil regret takin the leap, go 4 it girl, end it wit ur husband or at least seperation or sumthin Thn giv it a chance wit the new dude. U wil regret it 4 d rest of ur life if u dont try.

[phillyfan]

OK dude now i red ur 2nd post. WTF?!?!? Ur husband is a f**kin a**hole. Get the f**k away from him. Girl u ain got no business bein a victim doormat all ur life n this guy is *****n u up.

 

Divorce his ass.

 

Then date the hot guy

[Eve]

OP, please free yourself from the idea that you must stay in this relationship. It is like you are acting out your commitments made within your vows only, not living a life together. He doesn't sound like he is even trying, just usurping your efforts. Can't stand people like that. Personally, I wouldn't even miss him.

 

It is ok to move to your parents now whilst you sort out how you feel.

Learn to say goodbye.

 

Stop with the guilt. It is enough that you know that you did wrong and I see this as a consequence of not ending the marriage sooner rather than a premeditated thing. It would have happened eventually because you are primed and ready for love. The universe abhors a vaccum!

 

I strongly believe that we should be with the person who brings out the highest part of ourselves. It is as simple as that - but any leaving of this marraige must in the first instance be for you.

 

Go live and live well.

 

I think your parents will understand. You don't sound like a committed whore, or home wrecker.

 

Really hope you get what you desire in life. Go get it girl. Be happy, don't just be someone who is able to provide security based on the needs of another person. That is a rubbish way to live and is boring. Make sure you come out of this life with no regrets.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[softwarekate]

I read all the responses in this thread and I confronted my husband today. I did not mention the "incident" but told him how disgusted and unhappy about the way he treated me. My self-esteem is close to ruined, it is even affecting my work professionally. It is hard to post about your life on a public anonymous fourm, I was in tears writing those posts.

 

His thoughts about women are probably the same as toward some overworked intern who he can abuse until they leave. He told me he don't care about our relationship, and he said he don't care if I stay or go. Then he went on to say that honestly he isn't attracted to me anymore, but he keeps me as a "trophy wife" and his co-workers like me when he entertains. WHHHAATT... ok whatever. So I guess I'm not attractive. The guy who I was with in the hotel thought I was one of the most attractive, brilliant women he ever met, but I guess looks are subjective.

 

Then I asked him, "why did you pursue me for marriage?" He said "things change, you know, TimeWarner bought AOL at one time."

 

Anyway he said I'm free to divorce, and he said if I want anything reasonable its fine, but he don't want a stressful lawyerfest. I really don't want anything from him. Then he told me when he is ready he will find some 25yo who will worship him for his status, he said this is your loss.

 

I went upstairs and cried my eyes out, now I know pretty much my marriage is over. Everyone on the forum is probably going to say big deal, whatever, but in 2012 no one really takes marriage seriously anymore. My parents are married almost 45 years, and they still show public displays of affection. I could barely make it to 5. I guess women today have multiple intimate partners, are comfortable with breaking up and marriage has little value. I never spent a night alone with a man until my wedding night. Nothing to brag about but you see the meaning and sanctity marriage had to me.

 

Earlier today, was reading the old emails this guy sent me when we were dating and he is either an amazing marketer/businessman or a sociopathic liar. Guess I fell for it, like the people who took interest only loans in 2005. At that point I felt my clock ticking and wanted a family.

 

I didn't even care about his money either, I really don't even have to work anymore due to my own accomplishments.

 

I also have guilt about what I did and I never revealed it to him, and I decided to live with that. I know he would use that to hurt me even further.

 

I know the extreme circumstances that would drive me to even confide my personal problems with a co-worker. I didn't say it on the thread but I considered suicide, and this is coming from a person who was happy, positive, and upbeat her whole life. I mentioned things like that to my co-worker, we were working together every day for many months.

My co-worker held me that night and said I know this is extremely awkward but I really care and I'm worried sick about you, and love you as a great friend. I also love him for not doing anything that would have been really inappropriate, my guard was definitely down.

 

I'm so busy with my work that I only have two men in my phone - my husband and him. I am terrible with socializing, reading emotions, etc. I may have Aspergers Syndrome. I read they have a high divorce rate. Maybe I was giving off a bad vibe to my spouse. He never really told me anything.

 

Once I get to know someone though I TRY give them my all. My coworker felt he learned more from working with me than his MBA and computer degree.

 

Sometimes I feel maybe I wasn't strong enough to be his wife, but I'll have to live with that shortcoming. Realistically speaking though I have to move on.

 

Now, I know I'm crazy but I'm considering texting that guy from work, I sure need a shoulder to cry on.

[Afishwithabike]

Don't blame yourself for your douchebag husband's problems. You married a man who was very wrong for you and wrong really for any intelligent woman. He is not marriage material in any way. He doesn't need a wife. He needs a subservient groupie.

 

Staying married to a man like that for 45 years wouldn't have been an achievement. It would have been the marital equivalent of water torture. Being married for a long time doesn't necessarily mean one is happily married either. Some people stay in marriages in which they're miserable because of family pressure, religious beliefs or whatever else compels them to remain.

 

There are still men today who value marriage. It's not easy to find them, true enough, but they're out there. My husband is one of them. My dad, my brother, some of my guy friends round out my personal list. You won't necessarily find them in bars or clubs either.

 

Why not text the guy from work? I would. I think you could use a friend right now.

Your other next move should be to get a good divorce attorney.

[Breezy Trousers]

Katie, here are my random thoughts on what you wrote:

 

Your husband may abuse because he suffers from an untreated personality disorder -- e.g., narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) or borderline personality disorder (BPD). Google it. You can't fix it.

 

Anyway, I'd end both relationships. It's the only kind thing to do for all involved. Start divorce proceedings and tell your friend that you will meet up with him a year after you conclude your divorce. Try to get him transferred away from you, if possible .... It takes time to heal from the dissolution of a marriage, no matter how crappy it is. If the other man loves you, and if this relationship is truly meant to be, he'll happily wait a year or so for you to sort out your life without distraction. If he's into typical affair mode (instant self gratification), he won't wait. He'll quickly move on to someone else. If that happens, at least you'll know the affair was fool's gold, and you'll view this experience as a wake-up call to leave an unhealthy marriage. You'll have been spared turning one mistake into two mistakes.

 

Your husband does sound abusive and, if he is, experts say he's unlikely to change. So I agree with the others -- you need to end this marriage. Still, you chose to marry this man, and you chose to keep him in your life after he began abusing you --- a life you had full control over. Why? That really needs to be explored. To that end, I'd recommend listening to the (free) podcasts of Melanie Tonia Evans.

 

And I'm going to be the bad guy for saying this, but I hold to it, even in this instance:

 

All affair partners tell damning stories about their marriages in order to justify their behavior outside the marriage: "I had to eat cake on the side because MY SPOUSE made me!" I won't buy this from a man, and I won't buy this from a woman, either. Yes, your marriage may be abusive, but no one forced you into a relationship with a man outside your marriage and no one just "falls" in love -- infidelity occurs with countless small decisions in thought & action the same way tolerating an abusive marriage requires countless small decisions. You knew the marriage was bad before the affair but chose not to do anything concrete to address it. Passivity is still a choice. And infidelity is still emotional abuse, even if perpetrated by a "victim."

 

I'm also bothered by the imbalance of power between you and this employee .... Strange, but I see this power imbalance in MANY workplace affairs while "normal" relationships occur more often between peers.... ....There's also an age difference at play .... So you may have a strong need to be in control at this point -- NOT vulnerable to someone else -- and there's a conflict there, because genuine intimacy is all about being vulnerable, not being in control .... Being in relationship with someone you literally have control over at work probably feels emotionally safe for you? A 29-year-old is also likely to be quite potent resource for your quest for children .... Even though this subordinate made a move on you, you arranged the set, opened the door and encouraged it. You also control this man's economic livelihood to some degree. So try to be conscious of the fact that much abuse can come out of power, especially when it's wielded unconsciously. Just because the sex roles are reversed here doesn't make your actions any less potentially abusive toward your employee --- or your employer.

 

Of course, you know your situation better than I do. Take what you need and leave the rest .... You're not a horrible person, BTW. More than half of us struggle with the infidelity issue at some point or another. Work affairs are trickier than the average affair, though. Leaving genuinely abusive husbands for an affair partner? Even trickier! Most abusive men fall into a dangerous defense mechanism called "splitting" during breakups. Google that, too.

 

Please be very, very careful.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

 

I also have guilt about what I did and I never revealed it to him, and I decided to live with that. I know he would use that to hurt me even further.

 

 

Your series of posts comprised an amazing read (all too common, I'm sure).

 

What absolutely stuns me the most is that, in the face of all of this idiotic and selfish advise to do the contrary, you stuck with LOGIC and did NOT tell the husband about what you did.

 

(bonus for the fact that you're a computer person with that instinct)

 

The "logic" in this case being that you ONLY tell in such a situation when there is a strong possibility that the partner would find out through other channels. Any other confession is no more than a selfish ploy to assuage one's own GUILT at the direct expense of the innocent partner.

 

 

Of MUCH greater importance in your case, however, is that your husband is total a**hole and an abuser many times over.

 

Most central to your collective posts is that you can't identify the clear-to-those-not-emotionally-involved fact that your husband's many abuses should absolve you of being required by "tradition" to remain bound to that marriage.

 

You're a step away from Afghanistan, where a 19yo girl gets raped, goes to jail for having had sex out of wedlock, deliver's the rapists baby on the floor of her cell, and is then asked by the authorities if she would like to MARRY her rapist.

 

Recently, when faced with a choice to stay in jail or marry her rapist, she ACCEPTS the idea of marrying her rapist (who, of course, is already married to the girl's cousin, and who will now have two wives, which, of course, is perfectly legal there). In the eyes of some unaffected observers, YOUR STORY isn't far from that, especially when you regard yourself as being pointlessly tethered to that marriage.

 

It was very much OK that you entered the marriage making choices based on what you knew then... but once Monty Hall revealed what was behind "door number 2"... YOU should exercise the plain logic that is SWITCHING doors from whichever number you had, to the remaining of the 3 doors.

 

You are extremely lucky that you can look at this pending divorce from the standpoint of somebody who can afford what is the best CHOICE for herself, and for her emotions, instead of it being dictated by money and the economy.

 

The implant absurdity is only the beginning of your husband's abuses. Blaming his "ED" on your breasts is just incredible!!

 

His many cited examples of embarrassing and abusing you in front of others should be enough to inspire you out the door permanently. Oh, and your "curtains" and your "drapes" are the same thing. I think you meant the carpet...

 

LET "some 25yo worship him for his status" ... you don't need that in your life.

 

Now, two future concerns:

 

 

ONE... if you are that serious about having a baby naturally... you really do need to react to the ticking clock, and first extract yourself from this mess of a marriage so that, reasonably, you could possibly reach pregnancy by 44 or 45 (cuz sister, it ain't gonna happen on the course you're on... and you need to ACT, rather than remaining so passive).

 

TWO... that coworker/underling whatever he is... has probably been envisioning much more than friendship with you for some time, AND as such, he could become a major problem for you given the shared workplace. I sure wouldn't leap into his arms romantically until your respective workplaces were established significantly away from one another.

 

It kind of jars lots of us 'out here' when we find that the high falutin' tend to have deep and delicate feelings. Hopefully you will be able to apply reason with your logical side, and extracate yourself from that terrible marriage in a big hurry!!!

 

Again, your life is "Lets Make a Deal"... and you were plucked from the audience for having been in possession of a clothespin, or some other unlikely item... then you picked a DOOR (amid 1, 2, or 3).

 

 

It was revealed at some point that behind one of the doors would be your very own island in the Bahamas... behind another door would be a brand new car (a 1977 Gremlin, since we're looking back)... and behind the 3rd door was some booby prize.

 

SO in your quest to win the island of your very own, you selected a door (I.E. married your husband) before knowing what was behind it.

 

Monty Hall then showed you that the brand new car (1977 Gremlin) was behind one of the other doors. Logic assures that there are now twice as many chances that the other door has the prize you want (the island) when compared to the singular door you selected.

 

(the 'catch' being that Monty would only have revealed the LEAST-favorable prize, among the two doors you didn't select)

 

Most of those on the show, (wanting, like you, to be "loyal" to something), foolishly stuck with the door they had (which very well still COULD have had the island behind it).

 

LOGIC just says that to double your chances (of happiness, in your case) by switching (doors/partners/life paths) is the right move...

[The Blue Knight]

I read all the responses in this thread and I confronted my husband today. I did not mention the "incident" but told him how disgusted and unhappy about the way he treated me. My self-esteem is close to ruined, it is even affecting my work professionally. It is hard to post about your life on a public anonymous fourm, I was in tears writing those posts.

 

His thoughts about women are probably the same as toward some overworked intern who he can abuse until they leave. He told me he don't care about our relationship, and he said he don't care if I stay or go. Then he went on to say that honestly he isn't attracted to me anymore, but he keeps me as a "trophy wife" and his co-workers like me when he entertains. WHHHAATT... ok whatever. So I guess I'm not attractive. The guy who I was with in the hotel thought I was one of the most attractive, brilliant women he ever met, but I guess looks are subjective.

 

Then I asked him, "why did you pursue me for marriage?" He said "things change, you know, TimeWarner bought AOL at one time."

 

Anyway he said I'm free to divorce, and he said if I want anything reasonable its fine, but he don't want a stressful lawyerfest. I really don't want anything from him. Then he told me when he is ready he will find some 25yo who will worship him for his status, he said this is your loss.

 

I went upstairs and cried my eyes out, now I know pretty much my marriage is over. Everyone on the forum is probably going to say big deal, whatever, but in 2012 no one really takes marriage seriously anymore. My parents are married almost 45 years, and they still show public displays of affection. I could barely make it to 5. I guess women today have multiple intimate partners, are comfortable with breaking up and marriage has little value. I never spent a night alone with a man until my wedding night. Nothing to brag about but you see the meaning and sanctity marriage had to me.

 

Earlier today, was reading the old emails this guy sent me when we were dating and he is either an amazing marketer/businessman or a sociopathic liar. Guess I fell for it, like the people who took interest only loans in 2005. At that point I felt my clock ticking and wanted a family.

 

I didn't even care about his money either, I really don't even have to work anymore due to my own accomplishments.

 

I also have guilt about what I did and I never revealed it to him, and I decided to live with that. I know he would use that to hurt me even further.

 

I know the extreme circumstances that would drive me to even confide my personal problems with a co-worker. I didn't say it on the thread but I considered suicide, and this is coming from a person who was happy, positive, and upbeat her whole life. I mentioned things like that to my co-worker, we were working together every day for many months.

My co-worker held me that night and said I know this is extremely awkward but I really care and I'm worried sick about you, and love you as a great friend. I also love him for not doing anything that would have been really inappropriate, my guard was definitely down.

 

I'm so busy with my work that I only have two men in my phone - my husband and him. I am terrible with socializing, reading emotions, etc. I may have Aspergers Syndrome. I read they have a high divorce rate. Maybe I was giving off a bad vibe to my spouse. He never really told me anything.

 

Once I get to know someone though I TRY give them my all. My coworker felt he learned more from working with me than his MBA and computer degree.

 

Sometimes I feel maybe I wasn't strong enough to be his wife, but I'll have to live with that shortcoming. Realistically speaking though I have to move on.

 

Now, I know I'm crazy but I'm considering texting that guy from work, I sure need a shoulder to cry on.

 

You need to look at the positives here. You now know how your husband really feels. You don't need to guess any longer. He's an arrogant narcissist who cares about one thing on this planet . . . himself.

 

You don't have kids with him. That's a HUGE positive because you can make a clean break from him.

 

Lastly, you only spent five years with this tool. Plenty of married people will invest a decade or two before they come to terms with the fact that they married a loser.

 

You may think that starting over sucks. But dumping this guy will be your first step toward a new and better life.

 

Consider yourself lucky. You're still young and you're obviously plenty attractive. Don't let this idiot of a husband get inside your head with his Jedi Mind Tricks meant to bring you down. That's all he's doing.

 

Sometimes in order for some people to feel big and important, they need to make others feel little and unimportant. Trust me. You're plenty important and you don't need this guy. And don't ever think about suicide. It's never the answer. You have an entire lifetime left to live and you'll find the right guy.

 

And my final thought is this. For the pain and wasted five years this husband gave you, please don't just walk away with nothing. Get a good settlement from him so that you can at the very least say that you walked away with something from the marriage.

[manup]

If what you're writing is true then fine divorce him. BUT DO NOT expect anything with your co-worker.

A. He is 29

B. He more or less was looking to take advantage of you, this is super clear when he says you always complained about your marriage, it's kind of predatorish.

C. If you want kids so bad you should probably adopt. It's less complicated. And think you could give a great home to a child who would otherwise not have one. I realize you want your own family but the time has ticked and the last thing you should do is pursue a co-worker eleven years younger who likes to give naked massages to married women. This has a bad ending written all over it.