H lied about strip club and got busted

[Severely Unamused]

Sounds like he doesn't really respect your feelings that much D.

 

That's grounds for divorce in my book.

[Spark1111]

Seriously. If a wife were going to strip clubs while out of town on business and spending $750 of the family's money there, getting lap dances from naked men, somehow I doubt any husband is going to be OK with that.

 

Love it! And oh-so-true!

 

When a man cannot even fathom his wife has a sexuality similiar to his own; when he cannot even envision his wife in the same scenario he enjoys, i.e. strip clubs; when he pidgeon-holes his "good girl" wife as understanding his proclivities but believing she would NEVEr enjoys what he would; and has no reason to be angry about it.....

 

This is a deeply compartmentalized man. Read on the Madonna/Whore complex.

 

His wife is not allowed to be sexual (hence, his jealousy) and she is expected to be angry and disapproving of his stupid little acts of adolescent rebellion....but then he will grow angry with her adult responses.....

 

If I were his counselor I would ask him if his mother was strict and disapproving....

 

And if I was the woman in his life, I would do everything possible not to be cast as the disapproving mommy in his life while he deals with these childhood issues in counseling.

[xxoo]

My H is very jealous. Every time I go out, he's worried I could be flirting with someone and whatnot. It's ridiculous.

 

Could this be because he knows how HE acts when HE is out, and how women act with HIM? Is he projecting his own untrustworthiness onto you?

[PinkInTheLimo]

Thanks for all your inputs, guys! This has really become an interesting thread.*

 

To clarify a few things:

 

As someone already said above, it's not about whether or not sex per se did happen. If you make the conscious decision to cross your partner's boundaries, it's the intention that counts. That's why I said before that a simple drunk ONS would be easier to forgive. It can happen. It shouldn't. But it can. The strip club thing, though, is a different story. He knew that I disapprove. He knew that I'm aware of the fact that there's illegal prostitution everywhere, especially in those places. By doing this, he shows me disrespect and where his priorities are. The sex act itself doesn't interest me. I personally don't think it happened, BUT I also think there's no difference between dry humping and penetration. The difference is a piece of cloth. That's nothing. The mindset creates the difference, a piece of zipper doesn't. Unfortunately, the mindset doesn't match my morals.

 

My H is very jealous. Every time I go out, he's worried I could be flirting with someone and whatnot. It's ridiculous. Truth is, I hardly ever go out (too tired) and if I do (like every 8 weeks), I'm back before midnight. Because - yes - I'm too tired to stay out late. My life is busy.*My H never goes out with me. He doesn't take me anywhere, either. Actually, funny thing: on the occasion of his last business trip he TOLD me after I had "complained" about not getting to travel EVER, that we don't have the money to fly me across the country to join him, plus I have a household to maintain. Isn't that ironic?

 

So, altogether it's more about the double standards (which are big in our marriage), trying to keep me on the short leash, compulsive spending, as well as little self-control and financial responsibility. Our daughter has no college fund, for instance. Just an example.

 

Anyways, yes, we've had a rocky marriage basically all the time, but it's been manageable. Now I'm not so sure anymore. Plus, he gets mega-annoyed when I bring up the subject (it hasn't even been 1month that I found out) and thinks I should move on NOW without asking any more questions. I think that's infantile and conflict-avoidant.*

 

Why did you stay married to him all this time? He rarely seems to be at home and gives hardly any love or respect to you, let alone affection.

[nofool4u]

It's refreshing to see a man who has your attitude, and actually values his relationship with his wife, and wouldn't ever want to jeopardize or compromise it.

 

Well, not married anymore, but do have a gf, and I respect her enough not to do anything she would be hurt by.

 

Besides, I wouldn't go to a strip joint anyway. Not desperate, and am not stupid enough to think they would want me for anything but money.

[nofool4u]

I really think this thread is interesting.

 

I think most bachelor or bachlorette parties invovle a stripper, at least many, and many of the people there are married. Why is that a big deal?

 

Because if you feel the need to get your kicks in one last time, you shouldn't be getting married.

 

The whole "last time being free" thing. If you think you are going to miss it, then don't get married.

 

Why would I go see strippers, or have one at a party, if my bride-to-be is enough for me?

[nofool4u]

True, I'm sure men would be outraged if their wife spent $750 of the family's money getting grinded by some naked guy, or having sex with him.

 

Oh they'd throw a fit if their wives plopped down hundreds of dollars at a strip joint.

 

Its ok for them to do it, but not the other way around.

[nofool4u]

My H is very jealous. Every time I go out, he's worried I could be flirting with someone and whatnot. It's ridiculous.

 

So you can't simply go out in public, say to dinner and drinks with a few friends, but he can go get tits in his face and who knows what else?

 

Boy, I bet he'd trash the house if he thought you went to see other men take off their clothes. He is a double standard jackass.

 

You know what, you need to go to him and tell him you need the exact amount of money he spent on this strip club, and tell him you are going to see men take off their clothes.

 

REALLY DO THIS! See what his answer is. Since he did it, he should have no problem letting you do it.

[frozensprouts]

i don't understand men (or women) paying to go a a strip bar and pay to see people take their clothes off when they can go online and see the same thing for free:laugh:

[Goldenspoon]

 

Anyways, yes, we've had a rocky marriage basically all the time, but it's been manageable. Now I'm not so sure anymore. Plus, he gets mega-annoyed when I bring up the subject (it hasn't even been 1month that I found out) and thinks I should move on NOW without asking any more questions. I think that's infantile and conflict-avoidant.*

 

Tell him you're thinking about scheduling a meeting with a divorce lawyer. See how much more ennoyed and much he thinks you should have moved on.

[KathyM]

The man deserves an a$$ chewing no doubt. I read that he took $200 or so form an ATM then had a big charge on the company card. It's also why I inquired if he is in Kentucky or NYC. I remember being at Scores in NYC in the early 90's with a big group and the "sponsor" of the outing had a few girls come over to entertain the group, it was something like $25 a dance, and there are 4 or 5 of them dancing through a series of "remixed" 3 minute songs. He went through $500 in a flash (pun intended). We paid some ridiculous cover to get in. I have no idea what the bill was that night, and all I learned was you can literally burn through cash in those places and I wasn't going to be a regular patron - the whole set-up is utterly (again pun intended) stupid - I just don't understand.

 

It doesn't matter, my only point earlier was we literally have no idea. I don't know what goes on in these places any more, don't care. I just know I've been with guys who spend stupid money, go to back rooms, and all they got for $200-$300 for some crappy champagne and a private place for more of nothing.

 

This guys either stupid or had bad intentions, perhaps both. He's now parted with $750 his wife rightfully would have rather used elsewhere and has good cause for concern. A serious conversation is needed and either boundaries aren't clear or respected....you have to sort that out. I was just taken back by some of the advice to hit the exits - immediately.

There were only 2 guys. Minimum of $550 spent. Went to a private room with two naked women. Not a scene a MM should be involved in. Definately can be defined as infidelity. He had no business being there, and knew how adamant his wife was against that environment. Extremely disrespectful to his wife, and he obviously thought he wasn't going to get caught.

[KathyM]

Could this be because he knows how HE acts when HE is out, and how women act with HIM? Is he projecting his own untrustworthiness onto you?

Bingo. I think you hit the nail on the head there. One of the signs of infidelity is that the unfaithful spouse projects his behavior onto the innocent spouse, and accuses her of being unfaithful for no reason, usually to deflect his own guilt.

[chrissylee]

I really think this thread is interesting.

 

I think most bachelor or bachlorette parties invovle a stripper, at least many, and many of the people there are married. Why is that a big deal?

 

.

 

 

I have always wondered why people even bother getting married if they are just going to view it as losing their freedom and feel they have to half a naked guy/girl rubbing all over them. It really makes no sense.

[Untouchable_Fire]

As someone already said above, it's not about whether or not sex per se did happen. If you make the conscious decision to cross your partner's boundaries, it's the intention that counts. That's why I said before that a simple drunk ONS would be easier to forgive. It can happen. It shouldn't. But it can. The strip club thing, though, is a different story. He knew that I disapprove. He knew that I'm aware of the fact that there's illegal prostitution everywhere, especially in those places. By doing this, he shows me disrespect and where his priorities are. The sex act itself doesn't interest me. I personally don't think it happened, BUT I also think there's no difference between dry humping and penetration. The difference is a piece of cloth. That's nothing. The mindset creates the difference, a piece of zipper doesn't. Unfortunately, the mindset doesn't match my morals.

 

I seriously get the feeling from reading your posts that you are SUPER abrasive and controlling.

 

It bothers me that your not at all worried he cheated... and focused completely on the idea that he did something without your permission. WTF?

 

My H is very jealous. Every time I go out, he's worried I could be flirting with someone and whatnot. It's ridiculous. Truth is, I hardly ever go out (too tired) and if I do (like every 8 weeks), I'm back before midnight. Because - yes - I'm too tired to stay out late. My life is busy.*My H never goes out with me. He doesn't take me anywhere, either. Actually, funny thing: on the occasion of his last business trip he TOLD me after I had "complained" about not getting to travel EVER, that we don't have the money to fly me across the country to join him, plus I have a household to maintain. Isn't that ironic?

 

You just strike me totally resentful. Why not focus on being someone who he would like to take out... rather than just complaining and demanding it.

 

So, altogether it's more about the double standards (which are big in our marriage), trying to keep me on the short leash, compulsive spending, as well as little self-control and financial responsibility. Our daughter has no college fund, for instance. Just an example.

 

He clearly needs to make a big change... but I think you do as well. It might work out best if he starts the process, but it might work just as well if YOU put in the effort to change first.

 

Anyways, yes, we've had a rocky marriage basically all the time, but it's been manageable. Now I'm not so sure anymore. Plus, he gets mega-annoyed when I bring up the subject (it hasn't even been 1month that I found out) and thinks I should move on NOW without asking any more questions. I think that's infantile and conflict-avoidant.*

 

He doesn't see it as that big of a deal. He looks at it as though your just using it for emotional leverage. I think he is really failing to see your point of view.

 

Bottom line... either your H is a super self absorbed Ahole... or you both have some big issues to work through. You resent this guy so much... loving him must be tough. Make a suggestion for some marriage counseling.

[Disillusioned_2011]

Untouchable Fire, you apparently think that I'm the overbearing wife who doesn't cut my husband any slack....that's not true. I may sound harsh in my posts, but I am a loving mother and wife. I'm just outspoken, that's all. I prefer outspoken to sugarcoating for one important reason: it avoids misunderstandings. For the same reason, I have boundaries, not many but a few, and I state them clearly.

 

Your saying that to him it may not have been that big of a deal means that my boundaries are not that big of a deal. Which makes the whole story an even bigger deal. But we are working it out. I think he got the point.

 

MC....I say no. It's not a marriage problem in my opinion. It's his problem, which is why IC would be in order for him to sort himself out and get a better understanding of his inner motives. That may or may not benefit the marriage. Maybe he would find out that M is not for him, or that he needs a more motherly spouse, or whatever. MC would give him the wrong message. There's nothing wrong with the marriage, his wife etc. that MAKES him make bad

choices. The choices are his own. I'm not part of the problem.

[CarrieT]

MC....I say no. It's not a marriage problem in my opinion. It's his problem, which is why IC would be in order for him to sort himself out and get a better understanding of his inner motives. That may or may not benefit the marriage. Maybe he would find out that M is not for him, or that he needs a more motherly spouse, or whatever. MC would give him the wrong message. There's nothing wrong with the marriage, his wife etc. that MAKES him make bad

choices. The choices are his own. I'm not part of the problem.

 

If there is a problem in the marriage that causes either spouse to lie and deceive, then usually there must be some culpability on both partner's part.

 

To not take partial ownership in any problem within a relationship is myopic and one-sided. To blame your husband 100% is just plain wrong. There must be deeper issues within your relationship that has caused this issue and to not take part of counseling to determine what those issues are is putting the onus of repairing the damage entirely on your husband.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Untouchable Fire, you apparently think that I'm the overbearing wife who doesn't cut my husband any slack....that's not true. I may sound harsh in my posts, but I am a loving mother and wife. I'm just outspoken, that's all. I prefer outspoken to sugarcoating for one important reason: it avoids misunderstandings. For the same reason, I have boundaries, not many but a few, and I state them clearly.

Your saying that to him it may not have been that big of a deal means that my boundaries are not that big of a deal. Which makes the whole story an even bigger deal. But we are working it out. I think he got the point.

MC....I say no. It's not a marriage problem in my opinion. It's his problem, which is why IC would be in order for him to sort himself out and get a better understanding of his inner motives. That may or may not benefit the marriage. Maybe he would find out that M is not for him, or that he needs a more motherly spouse, or whatever. MC would give him the wrong message. There's nothing wrong with the marriage, his wife etc. that MAKES him make bad

choices. The choices are his own. I'm not part of the problem.

 

Honestly, I'm not sure what I think about your situation. It's very hard to tell with the very limited information here to get a better picture of what's going on overall.

 

This incident strikes me as just one of a long series of issues in your marriage.

 

How much do you resent your husband and his actions? Do you respect him? Are you "in love" with him?

 

Your husband also displays some VERY passive aggressive tendencies in my opinion. That isn't a good sign. Why is he doing that? People typically act this way for a reason.

 

Marriage counseling isn't about someone being wrong or right... or even the marriage being broken. It's about communicating in a better way... which is why I think you two may benefit from it. I know there is a stigma attached. If it just isn't a direction you want to go... I strongly suggest reading some self help books.

 

Don't just narrow your focus down on this one issue with strip clubs. Take a step back and view it in terms of your marriage as a whole. I think you will find it fits a pattern of unhealthy behavior. Do you play any role in that pattern? If so... What role? Perhaps you are too easy on him... ect

[Mr_Confused]

You marriage is in jeopardy and you don't want MC? Just end it then.

 

MC is about saving a marriage, it's not a prerequisite that both spouses are right or wrong. It's pretty simple, it's to save and improve your marriage.

 

You last post comes across aloof...perhaps you truly feel like you are a great wife, maybe you are, but if you marriage doesn't mean enough to you to actively participate in therapy to improve the relationship you are part of you are effectively and dramatically reducing the odds of any future marriage success.

[LoveTKO]

What kind of loser goes to a strip club to spend money anyway? You have to be one lonely SOB with zero game when it comes down to the ladies. I am probably one of the most sexual human beings on this planet, but there's is nothing sexy about an environment that consists of high school drop outs hooked on "roxis" (Roxicodone), shaking their rear ends with that blank stare, and pretending to like you because they're after the content in your wallet in order to support their loser drug addicted boyfriends. Oh, the same boyfriends who condone their buddies "banging" their stripper chicks if they're all coked up enough.

 

Sexy to me is about communication and genuine attraction, not some cesspool of misfits with great bodies who only want your money.......I can not relate to strip clubs in any way, especially since "there is no sex in the champagne room" (LOL!!!)

[NotMolly]

**********

 

Cat got your tongue?

[JustK]

Ok, so I found out my H went to a stripper bar during his last business trip. I don't know where to go from here. I'm actually contemplating divorce. I find those places offensive, and he knows that. Dealbreaker. When we discussed the incident, he said he was not aware of the fact that I felt so strongly about it, and that he actually did not "remember" that I had mentioned it to him before. I do remember the conversation, though, and I did call it a deal breaker. I mean, hey, I even used that word! How much clearer do I need to phrase it?

 

Summary of the night out: business trip, met old friend who's there on business as well, too many straight vodkas at the hotel bar, 200 USD ATM withdrawal from our shared checking account (that was my hint right there), went to that place, went to champagne room (!!!) with 2 (!!) girls, used business CC (so I wouldn't find out) and signed receipt for 550 USD - hello? Over indulgent, much?

 

Problem: He initially admitted to spending 500 altogether in that place. Lie. Saw the CC statement today for 550, and then we have the additional 200 from the ATM. He said it was only 500, and he spent the remaining cash the next day. Yeah whatever. He doesn't "remember" what was going on in the private room, because he was too drunk, and he was taken advantage of....yeah whatever. He doesn't "remember" what the friend did during that time (friend told his W they were both sitting at the bar only, drinking 2 beers, because all other places had already closed - which is weird....my H already told me there was more to the story, but the friend still thinks he needs to lie - I know the W, so what's the point). Maybe the friend was really at the bar waiting till my H was "done" with his sex entertainment, but why wouldn't he tell his wife that? She already knows that my H was in the champagne room.

 

So okay....what's your opinion on this story? What did they do in the champagne room? Or was it really only my H? Why did they have to blow 750? Who's lying? What would y'all do in this case?

 

I also have a problem with the fact that my H is the father of 2 daughters (!), that his image of women must be totally skewed, that I don't know if that has happened before and how much money has been spent on these activities, etc. He travels quite a bit for business. I'm actually kind of done. I've lost so much respect. I'm more than a decade younger than him, in great shape, and he turns to those skanks and pays them to flirt with him... and maybe more. What is that? I'm beyond myself.

 

What ticks me off, too, is that he now tries to minimize and justify strip clubs, like "all men go there", "even sophisticated men go there", "business meetings are held there" yadayada. IMO, that's BS, and IF that is the case, then the private room **** is still a different league. He blames it all on the alcohol, like he always does when he makes bad choices. Oh yeah, and the friend - it's his fault, too, of course. Bad company. My H is in his early 50s, so come on! Blaming others for his choices is just ridiculous.

 

I told him he needed to get tested for STDs, although he swears he didn't touch, suck, let suck, have sex, etc. Of course. What else? That's my minimum requirement. Before I see a test result, I won't even consider reconciliation. Period.

 

Ladies, what would you do?

Guys, given the amount spent, what do you think was really going on? It was a gentlemen's club, not a dump. I saw the CC statement.

 

My soon to be x works at one. He used to tell me all the time about how much money men spend and never even get to touch a woman. Don't know if that helps any but maybe you can stop worrying about the STD factor at least? I hope things are better for you soon.