In-Laws

[greenspot]

Hello all,

 

I am looking for a lot of advice regarding my husbands family.

This issue, as been causing a lot of tension in the marriage and I would like to know what I am doing wrong or how I can deal with this better.

 

Please feel free to ask more questions. All comments welcome.

 

My husband is 45 and myself is 40. We have been married for 14 years and have two children.

 

My husbands family all live very close near us in the same town. His sister, one brother and parents all live a couple blocks from us. Husband also works full time daily, with his other brother, whom lives 20 minutes from where we live.

 

Husband sees his family daily or when ever he chooses. Myself sees most of them on a daily basis also, as my job is here in town. They also pop over to visit a lot.

 

My family all live 8 hours away.

 

Husband comes from a close knit family. Myself does not.

 

In my family, we are content seeing each other for a couple days on holidays, and giving phone calls/txts. None of us feels unloved or anti social. This is normal in our family.

 

Husbands family. The exact opposite.

I am sure you are starting to get the picture here..........

 

Without getting into a long novel of various "family issues" throughout the years.....i am going to sum up what I would like to try and resolve.

 

Husbands family, all needs to be doing everything and anything, "all together"....ALL THE TIME. This includes, weekends, special occassions, summer holidays, winter holidays....the list goes on.

 

If one of husbands siblings decides to go camping in the summer, all the rest follow suit....and it becomes a full blown family affair, most often also including distant relatives also.

 

If one decides they want to go golfing on a sunday...than they contact all the others..........and again it becomes a full family affair.

 

Social events local, all his family attend.........

 

We go south on hot holidays each winter with one of his brothers and his wife.....which i didn't mind doing as i get along with them very well....BUT....now....the rest of the family has decided this is a good idea....and this year they are now pressing my husband to all go together each year.

 

My issue is I can't take this "family reunion" thing constantly any more. It has just gotten to be way to much. And my husband does not understand this. He feels i should be greatful for being able to go anywhere at all and that it should not matter if his family chooses to go.

 

I don't have an issue with his family "some times"...........but in his family none of them do anything without each other nor seem to have any friends........so this is a never ending battle for me. I don't want to ALWAYS do things just with HIS FAMILY.

 

This has caused a lot of tension and fights. It has gotten to the point that I am so sick of being around his family that I have started refusing to go places with them all........and as a result some of his family have said some very rude things about me, that husband later told me because it hurt him. It hurt me also....and i resent it....so i now don't ever want to go. I feel like I am being bullied or controlled.

 

The final straw came a few nights ago when i over heard my husband on the phone with his brother. His bother had called to try and convince my husband to go on a full family trip south this winter and wanted him to book it right than. My husband told him "my wife does not want to go she thinks it is too many people".

 

NICE!!

 

My husband has never been a solid union with me as his wife.....he has always tried to please his family before me.....and it really hurt. I told husband this and he said "i am just speaking the truth".

 

To me it is all wrong. But maybe I am out of line or doing something wrong, and that is why I am here for some advice.

 

Talking to my husband has not worked. It ends in fights. He sees nothing wrong with things and thinks i over react or am being to selfish.

 

I see things, as my husband has never stood up to his family. He lets them run our lives. And would rather fight with me, than resolve things with them.

 

I am at wits end. I don't know what to do anymore. Please help.

[The Blue Knight]

My first response is to take the glass half full in this case greenspot. In other words, be happy that they have a close-knit family and that they all get along and are for the most part psychologically functional. I'm assuming that's the case since you didn't bring up any dire issues like drunkenness or poor behavior by any family members.

 

There are families that are soooooooo dysfunctional that you don't want to spend any time with them if you can avoid it. There have been plenty of postings here to that effect.

 

A couple of questions:

 

1. Do you and your husband have couples friends whom you do stuff with or is it just his family?

 

2. Are you ever able to go out as a couple alone to dinner or on a weekend get-away?

 

My family is pretty close but we are also very much able to do things independently and I think that's the key for you. Find that middle ground.

 

First of all, your husband has to put you #1 in his life and the family behind you, always! "A man shall leave his family and cleave to his wife" is what we're talking about here. And he needs to be aware of your feelings and honor them.

 

Secondly, meet him half way. Tell him that you love and enjoy his family but you want some quality time to be together alone and at times (I'm assuming this is one of your issues). Tell him that you simply want to strike a happy medium.

 

You have a harder time with this because you have a family that doesn't spend very much time together because you're all more spread out it appears and it's not the way your family unit works and that's cool. But he comes from a completely different environment it appears.

 

I personally like close families and think it's nice. BUT I like my time with my wife where we're alone and it's just us just as much as I like being with my family. Ask him if he can help you find that happy medium?

 

My answer is reading some things into what I think you're looking for. Perhaps you could shed further light on it if I'm off base.

[TigerCub]

Hi

 

I'm sorry, I don't have any solutions for you. If your husband thinks nothing of it and is taking the family's side all the time - then I honestly don't know what to suggest.

 

I don't think there is anything wrong with you. I'm actually impressed that you made it 14 years and put up with it for so long.

 

Although my family is close, we don't need to do everything together. And although sometimes we try to arrange a family trip (every few years), we usually can't get everyone to go at the same time, because everyone has a life and obligations of their own - so its just not possible - no one cries over it and no one tries to force the issue.

 

I would feel suffocated if my every activity with my bf included his family. oyi!....

 

I mean, its nice to be close and have good relations and see each other at times, but damn!! every little event turning into a whole family function - would just be way too much - I wouldn't be able to do it.

 

So yeah, I don't think you're doing or feeling anything wrong.

 

I honestly don't know what you should do, because if you refuse to go places, you will alienate yourself, but if you go you will do so feeling pressured.

 

My only suggestion is to have a CALM discussion with your H and tell him that YOU AND HIM are a team, he shouldn't be telling his family if you don't want to go, and he should be trying to do things with just you and him and your kids once in a while - you need that.

 

Good luck

[xxoo]

You can love his family, and be grateful for his family, AND want to have a vacation alone with your husband sometimes.

 

Don't fight. Don't put down his family, or their way of being together.

 

Just, very clearly, ask for what you want--some protected time alone together.

 

Do you watch "Everybody Loves Raymond"? Your situation sounds a lot like the family on that show, and it shows all the different points of view--with humor. Laughter can help

 

Him standing up to his family is a separate, and important, issue. Try to keep the discusson on the positive--your desire for some time just with him (or him and your kids). Explain that it is not a rejection of his family, but a desire to have him all to yourself.

 

How can he argue that?

[The Blue Knight]

You can love his family, and be grateful for his family, AND want to have a vacation alone with your husband sometimes.

 

Don't fight. Don't put down his family, or their way of being together.

 

Just, very clearly, ask for what you want--some protected time alone together.

 

Do you watch "Everybody Loves Raymond"? Your situation sounds a lot like the family on that show, and it shows all the different points of view--with humor. Laughter can help

 

Him standing up to his family is a separate, and important, issue. Try to keep the discusson on the positive--your desire for some time just with him (or him and your kids). Explain that it is not a rejection of his family, but a desire to have him all to yourself.

 

How can he argue that?

 

Except that Raymond is as anxious to ditch his dysfunctional family as Debra is

[daturanoir]

I agree with other posters that you should emphasize with your husband that you want to spend time with him/your immediate family alone sometimes. It sounds as though you have been very understanding throughout the marriage that his family is this way; it wouldn't hurt him to be a little understanding that your family is not that way, and that while neither is right or wrong, his way is not what you're used to and it can be difficult for you to deal with all the time.

 

You are not wrong for how you feel