Should I be jealous?

[Chloe]

My husband went on a company training trip for 2 weeks and became friends with a girl in his group. We talk on the phone everyday and I knew about this friendship, but what I can't understand was his reaction when the girl started ignoring him. He actually cried, AND had the nerve to tell me about it. Usually, I wouldn't be affected by this since I have male friends myself, but hubby has a history of falling for every girl who ever became his friend. I keep wondering, the other relationships didn't blossom because his feelings wasn't reciprocated, but what if one day, it was? Do I have the right to be suspicious or am I just being paranoid. He says he would never cheat on me, but I'm not so sure...

[Tony T]

This seems to be some sort of anomaly in your husband's psychological makeup. While it is normal to feel close to different friends, the bond is unique in that true friends can be away from each other for years and the bond does not break. It seems your husband falls for these ladies really fast and they, being aware he is married, are in most cases moral enough to back off when they see him getting too close.

 

Yes, you are right to be concerned. I don't think paranoia or suspicion is called for. Your husband has a problem. My guess is that it goes back to his mother. Men who fall for almost every woman they work with or get close to were either abandoned emotionally or physically by their mother in their childhood. They may have been abused by the mother or did not get sufficient maternal love. They seem to seek out in every woman that comes along what they did not get in their childhood. This is NOT really a romantic thing at all, but it does appear on the surface to be. Since you are his wife, the nature of your relationship is different and it would be incestuous for him to seek motherly-type emotional support from you.

 

His crying episode when this woman backed off and started ignoring him is a typical abandonment reaction to a mother figure.

 

I think he needs some serious counselling. Yes, the behavior could possibly but not likely lead to other things, but anything that would happen would not be long term. I do think he means it when he says he would never cheat on you. I think these women represent other than a sexual fixation. Nevertheless, anything beyond a casual friendship would be offensive and intolerable for you.

 

I don't think he consciously realizes exactly why his behavior is like this but I have a strong feeling I am on target. Question him about his relationship with his mom.

 

If his company insurance covers psychological counselling, get him in there soon...and find a good therapist. This is going to be a problem he'll need to work on for some time. A lot of counsellors would take six months and much $$$$ to come to the conclusiion I just arrived at. I could be wrong but I don't think so.

 

Get him help!!! His behavior is certainly not normal.

[Jenna]

In support of Tony's theory about the child\mother relationship being the source of your husbands situation- I would like to offer this...

 

I also believe that he is not becoming involved with these women for sexaul reasons. If Tony turns out to be correct- it is likely that "sex" with any of these women has never crossed his mind. He is looking for acceptance not intimacy.

 

I have (from the beginning of time I think) had a strained relationship with my mother. (by the way...I am female). She was "emotionally absent"- although she was always good to take care of me- I was always properly nurished, had clean clothes to wear, a warm home, even down to regular dentist and doctor visits. But we never bonded emotionally- and even today (I am 29)- I can not rely on her to "be there" for me- at the times I need a mother the most. So, I have a lot of "adopted" mothers- older women that I have worked with- or know through friends (like friends' mothers)-I tend to latch onto any mature woman that shows the slightest interest in me and my life. I KNOW that I do this because of my strained relationship with my mother and the void that I feel as a result. I don't blame her- I realize that she did the best that she could. Evidentally- there was a lack of "something" in her childhood that left her with the inability to show emotion and affection to anyone-even her own children. And to this day- she is the same- she is emotionally detached from my children (her grand children). It sounds like your husband may be experiencing the same thing I do- a need for motherly love. In my case- it is not an issue with my husband- because with my need being for "motherly love"- there is no jealousy component-as there might be if I had experienced the same problem with my father-thus leaving me with a need for male attention and affection.

 

Counseling could help your husband to deal with the void that he is trying to fill. I have found that once I accepted that my mother is not intentionally withdrawn from me- and that I didn't do anything to cause her to withhold her affection from me- it was much easier to deal with her- and it allowed me to understand why I am the way I am sometimes.

 

Good Luck, Jenna

This seems to be some sort of anomaly in your husband's psychological makeup. While it is normal to feel close to different friends, the bond is unique in that true friends can be away from each other for years and the bond does not break. It seems your husband falls for these ladies really fast and they, being aware he is married, are in most cases moral enough to back off when they see him getting too close. Yes, you are right to be concerned. I don't think paranoia or suspicion is called for. Your husband has a problem. My guess is that it goes back to his mother. Men who fall for almost every woman they work with or get close to were either abandoned emotionally or physically by their mother in their childhood. They may have been abused by the mother or did not get sufficient maternal love. They seem to seek out in every woman that comes along what they did not get in their childhood. This is NOT really a romantic thing at all, but it does appear on the surface to be. Since you are his wife, the nature of your relationship is different and it would be incestuous for him to seek motherly-type emotional support from you.

 

His crying episode when this woman backed off and started ignoring him is a typical abandonment reaction to a mother figure. I think he needs some serious counselling. Yes, the behavior could possibly but not likely lead to other things, but anything that would happen would not be long term. I do think he means it when he says he would never cheat on you. I think these women represent other than a sexual fixation. Nevertheless, anything beyond a casual friendship would be offensive and intolerable for you. I don't think he consciously realizes exactly why his behavior is like this but I have a strong feeling I am on target. Question him about his relationship with his mom. If his company insurance covers psychological counselling, get him in there soon...and find a good therapist. This is going to be a problem he'll need to work on for some time. A lot of counsellors would take six months and much $$$$ to come to the conclusiion I just arrived at. I could be wrong but I don't think so. Get him help!!! His behavior is certainly not normal.

[Tabatha]

I think you need to sit him down and have a serious talk. What exactly is he looking for? Are the two of you good friends? Why is he pursuing new friendships with women anyway? These are questions you need to ask yourself. How long have the two of you been married? Is he normally an emotional type of person? Yes, from my experience, you have reason to be jealous.

My husband went on a company training trip for 2 weeks and became friends with a girl in his group. We talk on the phone everyday and I knew about this friendship, but what I can't understand was his reaction when the girl started ignoring him. He actually cried, AND had the nerve to tell me about it. Usually, I wouldn't be affected by this since I have male friends myself, but hubby has a history of falling for every girl who ever became his friend. I keep wondering, the other relationships didn't blossom because his feelings wasn't reciprocated, but what if one day, it was? Do I have the right to be suspicious or am I just being paranoid. He says he would never cheat on me, but I'm not so sure...