NC doesnt seem right!

[davesterr]

No need to apologize man.

I am simply doing my best to help you out because i care.

Whether you take any of mine or others advice on here or not won't affect any of us.

This is your life , just make sure you live it with no regrets.

So don't feel sorry for anything.

We're just here to help.

 

Now back to your question.

To be honest i don't know whether you are in love with her or not.

Only you know what you feel inside.

But there's a difference in feeling the biggest crush on someone.

And true love where it comes to the point that you are willing to die to save the girl that you like.

To the point where you are willing to do whatever it takes for her in whatever situation that requires it.

I don't know if the feelings you have for this girl are this strong.

But there is a fine line between true love , and lust.

And putting her happiness over your own.

All in all it is just really hard to truely love someone if you have never been with her.

It's like , how can you really know how it feel.

How she completes you.

How she's everything you wanna be with and feel the connection between eachother.

Where you make eachother smile , happy when the whole world feels amazing with not a care in the world.

I'm not saying it's impossible for you not to love her.

But like i said: There's a real difference between loving to be with her and true love.

However it's just really hard to find that difference untill you actually fall in love and get mutually loved back.

Or somehow evolve later on in life by getting smarter and having more experiances and then looking back at what you are feeling at this moment.

Only then will you be able to truely analize yourself at this stage.

You can't really know untill you know.

 

The real question isn't what you really feel about her though.

The real question is what you are going to do.

Like i said: Everything comes with a risk.

It just depends on wether you think taking it is worth it.

And whether you believe in yourself seeing yourself succeeding enough to actually persue it.

 

I have learned that sometimes we can't get everything in life that we want when another person is involved no matter how hard we try.

Because in a relationship you can only do everything you can do.

But you can never control the other persons feelings or make her love you if she doesn't.

All we can become is our very best.

 

In the end there is no such thing as a guarantee in life.

And i can't guarantee that you will find someone you will like more than this current girl.

But i can promise you that you will definitely not find someone better if you only stay depressed inside your room.

Because if you don't move forward by picking yourself off the ground and start making steps to a better life then how do you expect to find what's laying beyond the horizon?

It could be the most amazing girl in the world , it could be success or happiness in a different form.

But you will never find out if you don't force yourself to go there.

 

Like einstein said: Don't watch the world through a car window and let life pass you by.

You gotta get out and step on the ground with your own two feet so you can feel it and live it yourself.

Edited December 10, 2011 by davesterr

[KS11]

I dont really know why im writing now, im just having a horrible day. I just miss her so much. I know there's a lot of people on here who've had it so much worse, considering ive never been in a relationship with her, but part of me thinks that makes it worse, particularly as it really felt like something was going to happen.

 

This NC is tearing me apart, and i know its what i have to do, and i know that even if I was to talk to her id never hear the thigns i want to. But its so hard, i think about her constantly. I've stopped listening to music because it just reminds me of her, we used to love exactly the same music, and now its to much... I know nc isnt supposed to be about making the other person miss you, but i dont know it would be so nice to think that she cared, i really wanted to be someone worth fighting for, and i thought i was.

 

I cant help thinking, a year ago today, we went ice skating in london and it was amazing, we were supposed to do it again this week but... i just hate how different things are now. I want to know what i did that made her change her mind about me. What made her so sure that it couldnt work.

 

One of the most frustrating things is I feel like i have all this love to give but i cant. Some of the things i hear about people getting treated badly by their partners infuriates me, i just know i would never treat someone like that. I dont know, i everything thats happened still doesnt feel real. I cant accept that that part of my life is over now, that shes gone and the feeling of being inadequate is truly soul-destroying.

 

i cant wait for christmas and new year to be over!

[davesterr]

One of the most frustrating things is I feel like i have all this love to give but i cant.

 

This is exactly what i told my ex when i tried to get back together with her.

We broke up at the highlight of our relationship right when we kissed.

I never got to do all the things i wanted with her or even get to be with her for a long time because she ended things so soon.

So i know how you feel.

 

Right now you feel like it might be worse because you have never been with her.

And you missed out on so many good things.

Even just kissing.

If you kissed her however , you will feel that you missed out on so much more.

Like having sex and being close to eachother.

And when you had sex and no longer with her , you feel you missing out on being together even more and having to be stuck with all the rest and the breakup might even hurt more because you were even closer together.

 

I know how much it hurts man.

And whether you were with her or whether you were just her friend doesn't matter much.

It all hurts.

All i can say is: Having been to only the kissing stage with someone and then break up is in alot of ways even worse.

Because not only will i always think of what we could've done more and how i had so much more love to give her.

I also felt the real breakup of us splitting up as a couple instead of just friends.

However i did get to kiss her so in a way i can see your point.

 

Then again it's not the splitting up that neccessarily hurts as much.

It's the dream and fantasy you build in your head picturing eachother together.

Therefore everything hurts alltogether and i can understand where you are coming from.

 

What can i say that i haven't already?

There is no magical guarantee thing we can do to make the one we love love us back.

And it really is a sad thing when you realise and give up on getting with her or getting back together.

In a way something truely dies inside of you.

But maybe someday something new can be reborn.

There's no painless way out.

This is just something you have to do , and it sucks even more because you never even had all the good times some people who were together had.

Yet you experiance the same pain.

Welcome to my world man.

Edited December 14, 2011 by davesterr

[KS11]

Sorry to post again.

 

I guess im having a 'low' day, except they all feel pretty low at the moment. Today is two weeks of NC and i think the initial shock of not speaking is starting to give way to the realisation of whats gone. I want to stop feeling like this so much. Ive had days where ive felt ok, but then without fail my thoughts drift back to her. And with each day that goes by it just serves as a massive reminder that she doesnt care. I know i shouldnt be thinking like this, but i cant stop. Stupidly i looked at her facebook page today, even though ive deleted mine, and yeh looks like shes doing great. So that was nice. Im not sure why i looked or what i expected to find or see, aside from anything else i just miss knowing what shes up to, even on its most platonic level. I hate that i always come across things, or hear stuff that immediatley makes me go, ahh she'd love this. But now i cant do any of that.

 

At the same time im so angry with her, im really considering breaking NC just so I can try and understand how she can be so cold about everything. I know it wont help, but f**k how can you be like this! I feel so f**king used, like i was there for her emotionally until something better came along. She kept me on a string for months until the better option came along, and now shows no acknowledgement of how crushing that is. Maybe it would help?

 

I know ive said all this before already, i just want this to go away, i wish i had never met her. I truly do.

[KS11]

Im not sure anyones going to read this, but in the off chance they do..i'd really appreciate some thoughts.

 

So, they have been some developments from the above. Most notably, just before Christmas i got a message from her, saying that she couldnt do no contact and could i see her. So i met up with her, and she told me that she had realised what i mean to her, and that she wants to give something a go. However, she had been seeing someone, but he meant nothing and she just needed to sort that out.

 

Fast forward to now. We've barely spoken. And whats more im pretty sure i've messed everything up. She's been really busy since Christmas with stuyding and had some family stuff, and i wanted to make sure she knew i was there for her. However, i think this came across as me pressuring her. Everytime we spoke we've kind of argued. Partly due to my insecurities that she regretted what she told me at xmas. This culminated to 2 weeks ago, where we had a big argument, again about me putting pressure on her. The thing is, i just took her not speaking to me she had changed how she felt, rather than being of any help to her when she needed it. But on the other hand, i dont buy that in a month or so you're too busy to even make the odd phone call.

 

Since then, we havent spoken, and once again im at a loss of what to do. Her telling me she wanted to give it a go, was what ive been wanting to her for over a year, and i really thought something would have developed. I guess i have to just wait for her? You cant force someone to talk right?!

 

I know this is only small thing, but i got her a gift for valentines day, but i dont know whether i should try and write an apology for how i've been?

[stitch702]

What other have said about vague answers is true. My ex strung me a long for about a month. She kept telling me i don't know what i'm feeling and such and such. I wish I had found this forum earlier because I did the whole beg and plead...the thing is I NEVER begged or pleaded before I met her. Anyway she eventually found another guy and I was left in the dust. But hey it was a good experience because never again will that happen to me

[esteem-jam]

Since then, we havent spoken, and once again im at a loss of what to do. Her telling me she wanted to give it a go, was what ive been wanting to her for over a year, and i really thought something would have developed. I guess i have to just wait for her? You cant force someone to talk right?!

 

I know this is only small thing, but i got her a gift for valentines day, but i dont know whether i should try and write an apology for how i've been?

 

What are you apologising for? That you wanted/want her? Thats perfectly fine. You are blind, in fact it is she that need to apologise.

Do not give her the gift, throw it out, whatever it cost, so it does not remind you about her. You can not buy love. Presents are not contracts.

 

Read this and recognize yourself. I was like this, hopefully wont be in the future.

http://evolutionmale.wordpress.com/tag/covert-contracts/

 

Reread what others have suggested you, davesterr`s posts are gold. (saved)

[KS11]

Davesters were really helpful. But the situation changed. I was just going to apologise for perhaps coming across like i was putting her under pressure, when she had other stuff going on. But i just wanted to help her.

 

It doesn't matter anymore anyway. Its clear what she said at Christmas was a mistake. So again, now i have to try and cut her out. This time for good. I just don't want to. Im so unhappy. Everyday i wake up and think about ending it. I've got nothing. Its not just about her, but she made the rest of it bearable.

 

I've never been particularly happy in myself, but the one thing i did think was i was quite kind, generous and loyal to people. But this whole thing has made me realise im none of those things. I loathe myself. I really don't know whether i can take this anymore. Each time something bad has happened with this relationship i've always found some tiny glimmer of hope to hold on to. Now i know there isn't any, and its really over. I've lost my best friend, the one person i cared about more than anymore.

 

I just want to go to sleep and not wake up.

[esteem-jam]

Man, just dont do anything on Valentines day. Do nothing, skip on everything, because if you act somehow towards her (presents, nice words, apologies, "have a nice day (without you))- in the end it will make you feel 3x worse than now.

 

Check this. This girl, which I did not have a full relationship as you, was complaining about sore caugh, it was summer. So I thought I will make her a camomille tea and bring to her work... boy, I am glad I did not. It wouldnt have changed anything.

Take my advice, these "special" days like Valentines, her BD, Christmas... these days you get your tiny revenge, these days you can be yourself, even if they are a couple days a year, they are yours, dont act upon your thoughts, like, oh I will be nice and do so and so. Please, do not. Stay strong.

[Frank13]

Take my advice, these "special" days like Valentines, her BD, Christmas... these days you get your tiny revenge, these days you can be yourself, even if they are a couple days a year, they are yours, dont act upon your thoughts, like, oh I will be nice and do so and so. Please, do not. Stay strong.

 

This is great advice. I especially like the part about these days being "your tiny revenge". When you think of it that way it makes you look forward to the holidays. I am not mean or mad, but I think many exs are hoping or expecting us to break NC to wish them happy holidays. When we don't it is going to sting them a little. Hey, they didn't want us, too bad.

 

I especially agree with feeling like you want to be nice. It won't do anything. It won't change anything, You will waste, time, money, and effort on someone who doesn't care about you and then feel even worse just like Esteem Jam said.

 

Do nothing and get your tiny revenge. That will be their gift to you.

Edited February 5, 2012 by Frank13

[KS11]

Thank you for the advice. I wont send it, as much as i want to, i'll know she would love it.

 

This is the thing that hurts so much. I don't want revenge. Even though she knows exactly how i feel, i don't want to give her a reason to think that i don't love her. Just in case there is still some hope.

 

I can't let go of all the things i love about her, i cant forget how amazing it was spending time with her, and the fact there was an opportunity for there to be so much more is just destroying me. I wish i could focus on the bad, but im adamant that shes the person im supposed to be with. I'm certain i wont meet someone who i have so much in common with again and that scares me so much.

 

Im sorry, there must be so many people reading this saying im not getting the messaged, which im not, i know. I just cant face the thought that i've lost her. Part of me just wants to be like these guys you hear about who can just treat women like crap and not care. That would make it so much easier. Everyone says you have to focus on yourself and do things for you, but how do you escape that feeling of wanting to share experiences with someone? Going from telling eachother everything to nothing?

 

I know im being terrible to everyone around me and it makes me reluctant to go out with friends, because im rubbish company and whats worse i spend the whole time wishing and wondering if i'll ever hear from her. How deluded is that!

 

I've read so many posts from people who have had it a lot worse than me, i just dont know where they get there strength from, I dont how you can convince yourself to give up on someone you love and feel stronger for it.

[KS11]

I only have myself to blame. Stupidly i went ahead a sent the gift...i don't know why i didnt expect it, but it still comes a shock that she cares so little that she hasnt even said thanks.

 

This was such a stupid idea. I feel terrible. I can't stop breaking down. The feeling that someone thinks youre completely worthless is just devastating. And realizing that everything they've said means nothing. I want to hate her so much, but I cant. This thing is taking over my life, i feel like im drowning in it and I don't know what to do. I've lost interest in everything. I cant stop thinking how differently things might have been, and knowing now that i must have done something so bad, that she never wants to speak again is to much to handle. I just want to ring her. I wish someone could make this stop.

[esteem-jam]

Yeah, I read in your other post that you sent the gift. You are onto a very long path now, some of us been on it for years. You will cut all ties with her.

About the gifts... On my last attempt to win and surprise, impress and be nice to Her I also gave a prestent, it was her BD (sort of)... So I gave the gift, said "enjoy your day" (without me) and I hoped I would get something over FB, but- nothing. About 5 days later I asked how did she like it. She commented on it and ended up with "Dont think about me so much". That was it. I remember that letter word for word. And I remember how she acted when I was at her work when I gave it- no attention towards me, like I was transparent nobody. I couldnt believe what I was on to... been grieving a lot this time.

But now its easy in these special days- like Valentines and birthdays, I wouldnt give her anything, because she didnt deserve it. Also she has not wished me well on any special days, so Ill ignore her tenfold.

[KS11]

Thank you for the reply. This site is the only thing that seems to help at the moment.

 

Im sorry you were treated badly too. I guess this is just another lesson learned. Although it was never said, we had an argument 3 weeks back, and since then theres been NC, mainly just me waiting to see if she would talk. But that hasn;t happened. And now on the back of today, it really is it. Its just so hard, we've tried this NC a few times before, last year and each time we both agreed it wasn't what either of us wanted, and then to go from hearing her say that she cant bare to not have me in her life, and that after her family, i mean the most to her, to now never wanting to speak again, is something ive never felt before.

 

I keep trying to remind myself that the person who she is now, is not the person i fell in love with. But as much as thats true, i've still lost that person i knew and i cant get rid of the f**king memories. Im really worried this will stay with me forever. I've always been 'sensitive' and scares me to think that i could be just as unhappy in a few months as i am now. I know it must sound stupid, but i really believe that loving someone, and being loved is the most important thing. And to think that i've lost that hurts more than i can bear. I just don't know how some people on here show such strength when the pain is with you every second.

[flyguy23]

Thank you for the advice. I wont send it, as much as i want to, i'll know she would love it.

 

This is the thing that hurts so much. I don't want revenge. Even though she knows exactly how i feel, i don't want to give her a reason to think that i don't love her. Just in case there is still some hope.

 

I can't let go of all the things i love about her, i cant forget how amazing it was spending time with her, and the fact there was an opportunity for there to be so much more is just destroying me. I wish i could focus on the bad, but im adamant that shes the person im supposed to be with. I'm certain i wont meet someone who i have so much in common with again and that scares me so much.

 

Im sorry, there must be so many people reading this saying im not getting the messaged, which im not, i know. I just cant face the thought that i've lost her. Part of me just wants to be like these guys you hear about who can just treat women like crap and not care. That would make it so much easier. Everyone says you have to focus on yourself and do things for you, but how do you escape that feeling of wanting to share experiences with someone? Going from telling eachother everything to nothing?

 

I know im being terrible to everyone around me and it makes me reluctant to go out with friends, because im rubbish company and whats worse i spend the whole time wishing and wondering if i'll ever hear from her. How deluded is that!

 

I've read so many posts from people who have had it a lot worse than me, i just dont know where they get there strength from, I dont how you can convince yourself to give up on someone you love and feel stronger for it.

 

 

Man this sounds like me. I am in the same boat and I don't know how people can be so strong. Hang in there man and jet focus on the fact that she no longer wants you. Thats the only thing that keeps me from breaking NC.