Newbie - How do I tell her

[Ready2Go]

I've been married to my wife for almost 30 years now. Through counseling, I've learned and realized that I am no longer in love with her. It happened quite some time ago, but I never knew it until recently. I was just existing and working towards retirement. Now, I know that I need to end the marriage and let her find someone to love her like she deserves, and I can go my way (whatever that is).

 

The marriage has not been full of problems. It's been normal (as far as I know). I still care for my wife, but I'm not in love with her. She knows this, and I have been to counseling to see what I can do about it. Now I know that I want to end the marriage.

 

How can I tell her that I want a divorce in the best way possible? I know it hurts regardless. But there has to be a best way to convey that I still care and respect her, but I'm not able to love her anymore and she deserves her freedom to find someone who will. I have no doubt that she will.

 

Help!

[Owl]

Well, first off, recognize that there is no way to tell her that's not going to end up in tears, pain, etc...

 

All you can do is tell her. Honestly, openly, up front, and as compassionately as you can...and then find a way to deal with the fallout without giving her false hope that you're not going to leave her.

 

Then...make it happen.

 

Accept that you're going to devestate her...unavoidable if she doesn't feel the same way that you do.

[Ready2Go]

She does not feel the same way. I know that is going to be a huge issue when I tell her. I expect her to beg and plead to give it another chance, more time, anything. I can't do it. I've tried, and it hasn't worked for me.

 

I was wondering about holding her hands while telling her. Also, best place to tell her. I know to not get into details such as property division, alimony and such until a later discussion. I can tell you that she will be set for life.

[Duckduckgoose]

Is there someone else you ARE in love with?

[marqueemoon4]

I don't know how someone can be so non chalant about ending such a long marriage with two kids involved.

[thegeneralsxwife]

That and just wasting her time, stringing her along. That said, ending relationships is hard

[stillafool]

Is there someone else you ARE in love with?

 

Yes OP, is there someone else?

[whichwayisup]

What made you fall out of love? Why can't or won't you try to recapture that love again? 30 years of marriage.. That's ALOT of history to throw away.

 

Are you looking for hot sex, intense feelings, fun and excitement? Something that you probably haven't felt in a long time in your marriage?

 

Just seems odd after so many years to want to start over. Or is it possible with the kids gone, you look at your wife and are scared to try to live life? Make the effort, allow her to make the effort?

 

How long have you been in counselling to realize that you don't love her and want a divorce.

 

And yes, is there somebody else waiting in the wings?

[Lis007]

How did you meet your new lover?

[robf1971]

I've been married to my wife for almost 30 years now. Through counseling, I've learned and realized that I am no longer in love with her. It happened quite some time ago, but I never knew it until recently. I was just existing and working towards retirement. Now, I know that I need to end the marriage and let her find someone to love her like she deserves, and I can go my way (whatever that is).

 

The marriage has not been full of problems. It's been normal (as far as I know). I still care for my wife, but I'm not in love with her. She knows this, and I have been to counseling to see what I can do about it. Now I know that I want to end the marriage.

 

How can I tell her that I want a divorce in the best way possible? I know it hurts regardless. But there has to be a best way to convey that I still care and respect her, but I'm not able to love her anymore and she deserves her freedom to find someone who will. I have no doubt that she will.

 

Help!

 

I think you want to go out and shtup younger women and get some 'freedom'. Lol Maybe you should think about getting a Ferrari instead for your 'Mid life crisis'

 

Cos if you choose the first option, in about a year your gonna be on this forum pining after your wife now she's found someone else.

[reboot]

Through "counseling" you learned you're not "in love" with her?

 

I think you and your counselor may need to figure out what love is before you decide you aren't in it. Love is a decision every bit as much as it is a feeling, and "in love" is just chemicals in your brain.

 

So you're going to "let her find someone to love her like she deserves". How noble of you. Why don't YOU decide to love the woman you've spent your life with like she deserves?

[PinkInTheLimo]

I don't know how someone can be so non chalant about ending such a long marriage with two kids involved.

 

What makes you think he is nonchalant? It seems to me that he has thought long and hard about this decision. At this point in time he is beyond his marriage. It's over for him so of course he sounds rather detached.

[worldgonewrong]

And yet another story of a counselor helping to facilitate the sh_tcanning of a marriage.

[PinkInTheLimo]

What made you fall out of love? Why can't or won't you try to recapture that love again? 30 years of marriage.. That's ALOT of history to throw away.

 

Are you looking for hot sex, intense feelings, fun and excitement? Something that you probably haven't felt in a long time in your marriage?

 

Just seems odd after so many years to want to start over. Or is it possible with the kids gone, you look at your wife and are scared to try to live life? Make the effort, allow her to make the effort?

 

How long have you been in counselling to realize that you don't love her and want a divorce.

 

And yes, is there somebody else waiting in the wings?

 

I don't get it. So just because it lasted 30 years he has to continue with it? Why? Because in 10 years he might finally fall in love again with her.

 

I guess he and his wife married in their twenties. People change a lot between 25 and 55 and not always in the same direction. At the same time, at 55 you could still live another 30 years. Why spend them with someone you no longer feel crazy about? Sometimes the potential of a relationship has been fully exhausted. Then it is better to end it.

 

The topic starter. There is no good way to tell this. You want to say it to her in person and that's the most decent way. Don't hold her hands, don't do anything which is the kind of thing you do when you are in love with a woman. You are no longer in love with her.

[Owl]

And yet another story of a counselor helping to facilitate the sh_tcanning of a marriage.

 

This is one of the key differences between an IC (individual counselor) and MC (marriage counselor).

 

An IC has no interest in exploring ways to fix/rebuild the individuals within the structure of a marriage. The advice they give is OFTEN contrary to what an MC might recommend.

 

An MC has an interest in BOTH the individuals and the marriage.

[PegNosePete]

It doesn't really matter if there is someone else involved here or not.

 

Just be honest with her and tell her the truth. If it is over then say it is over. If there is 3rd party involvement then be honest about that. If she begs and cries then tell her sorry but that's the way it is. Don't give her false hope.

[robf1971]

It doesn't really matter if there is someone else involved here or not.

 

Yeah, but I bet there is..

[Ready2Go]

There is no one else. No lover. Nothing.

 

And, the counselor only agreed that it sounded like I was no longer in love with her after a long discussion and the many questions I answered. He's pushing for me to keep trying to love her again. I can't find the way.

 

How it happened? My guess is that we drifted apart years ago as we each got some time to do things we wanted to do (not common things) when the kids became adults. Our roles had changed from being full-time parents to getting some time to do other things.

[stillafool]

How can I tell her that I want a divorce in the best way possible? I know it hurts regardless. But there has to be a best way to convey that I still care and respect her, but I'm not able to love her anymore and she deserves her freedom to find someone who will. I have no doubt that she will.

 

Help!

 

There is no "best way" to tell her you want a divorce. Just sit her down {in your home} and tell her as soon as possible. You shouldn't waste anymore of this lady's time, just do it.

[andyg99]

to the OP - at least you haven't dragged another poor soul into this, most guys in your situation find someone else first so at least your wife won't have to deal with betrayal... I guess I agree with most here, just tell her and move on... but think about this first, you care about how she is going to take it, isn't that love?

[SBC]

I don't know about anyone else, but if the man I was married to was not in love with me anymore, I would want him to move on. Just because "the marriage" ends, does not mean that it did not exist and was not important. But it is over now and I would rather go forward with a good memory of a positive thing than exist sadly in a relic of the past. Especially if you are already living seperate lives, doing separate things.

 

Sometimes things end. And if you can manage to stay friends (the best of all possible outcomes) then they don't even end, they just change form, like water into steam. Change, even after 30 years is NOT a a bad thing, it is an essential thing! Life is a matter of impermanence and there is no way around this.

 

Besides, staying with her if you are unhappy is never going to make her happy. No matter how much you try or pretend. It will be miserable...for everyone. Trying to do this is the sort of thing that leads people to have affairs!

 

As for how, you just have to put words to what she already knows. Your name here is Ready2Go. She knows this. She is just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Just say those 4 little words. I want a divorce. And then be prepared to weather the coming storm. And then that too will pass and there will be sunny days ahead.

 

Just don't be upset if she discovers first that your separation was a good thing after-all. Good luck!

[SBC]

to the OP - at least you haven't dragged another poor soul into this, most guys in your situation find someone else first so at least your wife won't have to deal with betrayal... I guess I agree with most here, just tell her and move on... but think about this first, you care about how she is going to take it, isn't that love?

 

love does not make a marriage. a marriage is made up of intimacy, common goals, humor, a pulling together in the proverbial harness. It does not sound like this is what they have. In this changing world of ours, more and more people are finding that with living longer, healthier lives, the thought of spending another 30 years together after the kids are grown and gone is unpalatable because they have nothing in common with the person that is staring back at them from across the breakfast table.

 

just because he cares how she is going to take it does not necessarily mean that they have a marriage. It just means he is a decent person.

[willowthewisp]

love does not make a marriage. a marriage is made up of intimacy, common goals, humor, a pulling together in the proverbial harness. It does not sound like this is what they have. In this changing world of ours, more and more people are finding that with living longer, healthier lives, the thought of spending another 30 years together after the kids are grown and gone is unpalatable because they have nothing in common with the person that is staring back at them from across the breakfast table.

 

just because he cares how she is going to take it does not necessarily mean that they have a marriage. It just means he is a decent person.

 

You forgot the most important thing of all...compromise.

 

I strongly disagree with your views.

 

You have no idea OP how much what you are about to do will devastate your wife. I have not spoken to my ex (who walked out on our wedding after nearly 20 years together), for 3 years and I will NEVER speak to him again, I never ever want to see him or hear from him or about him again, he caused me years of absolute agonising pain and what's more, despite working incrediably hard in therapy to re-build my shattered life, I still have not find a new partner to "love me the way I deserve to be loved".

[SBC]

You forgot the most important thing of all...compromise.

 

I strongly disagree with your views.

 

You have no idea OP how much what you are about to do will devastate your wife. I have not spoken to my ex (who walked out on our wedding after nearly 20 years together), for 3 years and I will NEVER speak to him again, I never ever want to see him or hear from him or about him again, he caused me years of absolute agonising pain and what's more, despite working incrediably hard in therapy to re-build my shattered life, I still have not find a new partner to "love me the way I deserve to be loved".

 

 

So, you are of the belief that a person is suppose to subjugate themselves and live in misery because choosing their own happiness will "devastate" someone else? This is wrong. I am not someone else's bandage. I am not a tool for someone else to use so they can get through their life. I deserve happiness just as much as anyone else and if I am not finding it with the person I am with, it is my right to find it elsewhere.

 

I am sorry for your pain, I really am. But no matter what, your life is your own responsibility and the job of rebuilding your life belongs to you and you cannot blame your ex for the fact that you have not found another to love.

Edited December 11, 2011 by SBC

[andyg99]

So, you are of the belief that a person is suppose to subjugate themselves and live in misery because choosing their own happiness will "devastate" someone else? This is wrong. I am not someone else's bandage. I am not a tool for someone else to use so they can get through their life. I deserve happiness just as much as anyone else and if I am not finding it with the person I am with, it is my right to find it elsewhere.

 

 

happiness is within everyone - it is always there... you don't 'find' happiness, and when we think we can dump someone so we can 'find happiness' in someone else then that's just sad... but if the OP is so miserable then maybe it is best he ends the marriage for his wive's sake, not his...