thomasb Posted February 1, 2012 Share Posted February 1, 2012 She's been doing everything she can to keep me. I owe her the respect of at least trying marriage counseling. Perhaps the counseling may make me see something I don't see now, or help her understand that my passion for her is gone and that we are done. Hell, I don't know. I'm just trying to be nice and not make it hurt so much. But no matter what I do, it causes pain. It's all new to me, and her. This sickens me with your pity me attitude. You are trying to blanket it in concern for your wife. But some of us see through you. Why don't you just tell her the truth. You found someone younger and firmer who strokes your enormous ego and something else! Truly nauseating. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted February 1, 2012 Share Posted February 1, 2012 Totally true! "Falling out of love" is just this cute little idea our society buys into, like a relationship can only last so long before it "wears out." like sone kind if expiry date floating above it. Relationships are the actions that two people put into it, and when it is a priority, you reap the rewards of it. If you are "out of love with her" and she isn't cheating on you, abusing you, neglecting you, etc. Then you are not truly putting the effort in. Start by jumping in with both feet instead if toeing the line with one foot out the door. It doesn't take any balls at all to do that. Whatever it is that you are going to is not going to live up to the fantasy expectations you have of it. Pick up a frigging book at least on the subject before impulsively closing the door on a 30 year relationship. If you've been "out of love" for a long time, then you are Far Far behind on addressing the issue. Link to post Share on other sites
marqueemoon4 Posted February 1, 2012 Share Posted February 1, 2012 My favorite is "I don't have anything left to give you". This came a mere 2 YEARS after committing herself to me in front of God for the rest of her life. 2 years. Link to post Share on other sites
PinkInTheLimo Posted February 7, 2012 Share Posted February 7, 2012 My favorite is "I don't have anything left to give you". This came a mere 2 YEARS after committing herself to me in front of God for the rest of her life. 2 years. What makes it so difficult for you to accept that sometimes the love is simply over? Sometimes it is. Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted February 7, 2012 Share Posted February 7, 2012 What makes it so difficult for you to accept that sometimes the love is simply over? Sometimes it is. And it usually is because (a) a person who can't go the distance has sadly joined up with (b) someone who can go the distance. It's massively unfair. If a person who's not wired to go the distance somehow had a meter on their read which read "I can only give you x-number of years before I shut down", 75% of us would be spared the trauma of getting involved with people who don't see the big picture of Love and life. Link to post Share on other sites
marqueemoon4 Posted February 7, 2012 Share Posted February 7, 2012 What makes it so difficult for you to accept that sometimes the love is simply over? Sometimes it is. nice tidy explanation there.. yea I understand that "love" goes away sometimes. Kinda preposterous that after committing to "life" that it would in a span of 2yrs. I still have lingering love for the women to this day.. over 1.5yrs after she left and pretty much destroyed my life. Link to post Share on other sites
g450 Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 I don't know how someone can be so non chalant about ending such a long marriage with two kids involved. Ask my XW, she did exactly that. As if it were no big thing to destroy our family of 20+ years. All the work, all the love, everything just thrown away like it was a dirty diaper. OP says there is no OW. There almost always is a third party in these situations. Was in my case and most cases on this forum. Sometimes it takes them a while to come out of the woodwork because they usually are the equivalent of cock roaches. Not saying this is the case with the OP but in general this is usually what happens. Sometimes you dont get all the facts until after the divorce. My XW gave me the same spiel as OP, "there is nobody else" and "I am content with myself" etc. The truth was very different indeed. If OP is conent with being alone then why not stick it out? What does he have to lose? At least he wont grow old alone the family will be intact. Why do I get the feeling that there is more to this story? OTOH if the OP really is hell bent on leaving his wife, why prolong her pain with MC and staying etc? At least with my XW she cut me off as fast as possible and shut me out. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. In my case we had one last Christmas together and then divorced in February. Seems these people always wait till the holidays to do the dirty deed. What ever happened to "for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health" etc? Now it's..."until I get tired of you"? Why even bother getting married anymore? Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 Ask my XW, she did exactly that. As if it were no big thing to destroy our family of 20+ years. All the work, all the love, everything just thrown away like it was a dirty diaper. You are singing my tune. 22 years for me. What ever happened to "for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health" etc? Now it's..."until I get tired of you"? Why even bother getting married anymore? I can't help myself. I agree with this^^^^. I cared for XH through all of the above and he threw it away. I have met no less than 10 women in the last month whose husbands found someone else. I'm not saying it is only men doing the leaving; I am just meeting the women. It is like an illness that is spreading. Link to post Share on other sites
g450 Posted February 9, 2012 Share Posted February 9, 2012 Sheen, Statistically speaking its women that do most of the divorces and leaving. I think it has something to do with their midlife menopause among other things. Whenever I talk to women about my situation they usually make the comment about the "change of life" thing. This scares the crap out of me because my Fiancee just turned 41 but for now is still in her cycle. I can time hers with a watch and the emotions that come with it. Link to post Share on other sites
PinkInTheLimo Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 Those who say that love can't be "over" are usually those who have been left. But often, when they tell more about the marriage, it turns out that it was not the happiest of marriages. Well, guess what, maybe it was also not the happiest of marriages for the spouse who left. All these long marriages started when both parties were fairly young. At that moment you hardly know who you are and you often pick a partner who is not really right for you. You marry, you buy a house, have kids and the years go by. And you stay together because even though it is not perfect it would be too complicated to leave. But at some point you realize life is short, you only have that much years left and you want to be really happy. The fact that the marriage lasted that long is not a proof of its quality, its just that long because you stayed that long. I am all for commitment and for not giving up immediately but the commitment of one spouse can sometimes be a way to keep the other one hostage. When someone leaves after many years, it normally was not the first time he/she thought about leaving. g450, you said in another thread that you are not picky. Have you ever thought how unimportant and ununique that must have made your W feel? I'd rather be chosen by a man who says of himself that he is picky... Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 Those who say that love can't be "over" are usually those who have been left. But often, when they tell more about the marriage, it turns out that it was not the happiest of marriages. Well, guess what, maybe it was also not the happiest of marriages for the spouse who left. All these long marriages started when both parties were fairly young. At that moment you hardly know who you are and you often pick a partner who is not really right for you. You marry, you buy a house, have kids and the years go by. And you stay together because even though it is not perfect it would be too complicated to leave. But at some point you realize life is short, you only have that much years left and you want to be really happy. The fact that the marriage lasted that long is not a proof of its quality, its just that long because you stayed that long. I am all for commitment and for not giving up immediately but the commitment of one spouse can sometimes be a way to keep the other one hostage. When someone leaves after many years, it normally was not the first time he/she thought about leaving. g450, you said in another thread that you are not picky. Have you ever thought how unimportant and ununique that must have made your W feel? I'd rather be chosen by a man who says of himself that he is picky... I absolutely agree with the above... Link to post Share on other sites
SBC Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 I absolutely agree with the above... Me too!! .... Link to post Share on other sites
maybealone Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 (edited) Those who say that love can't be "over" are usually those who have been left. But often, when they tell more about the marriage, it turns out that it was not the happiest of marriages. Well, guess what, maybe it was also not the happiest of marriages for the spouse who left. All these long marriages started when both parties were fairly young. At that moment you hardly know who you are and you often pick a partner who is not really right for you. You marry, you buy a house, have kids and the years go by. And you stay together because even though it is not perfect it would be too complicated to leave. But at some point you realize life is short, you only have that much years left and you want to be really happy. The fact that the marriage lasted that long is not a proof of its quality, its just that long because you stayed that long. I am all for commitment and for not giving up immediately but the commitment of one spouse can sometimes be a way to keep the other one hostage. When someone leaves after many years, it normally was not the first time he/she thought about leaving. Thank you so much for this post, and thanks to the others that agree with it. I agree too, and sometimes the posts on this forum make me feel horribly guilty for even considering leaving. I also wouldn't want someone staying with me just to honor a commitment. In the long run, I'd much rather be alone than be with someone who was only staying with me because of a commitment. I hope someday, if the OP does leave his wife, she comes to that same conclusion. Edited February 11, 2012 by maybealone Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 I stayed with my wife exactly for the commitment reasons others talk about in this thread... I should have left 15 years ago. I didn't and am still here... what did I get? 15 years of unhappiness. With what result? That now I don't love my wife anymore and I'm left wondering where do I go now from here... it's funny... I spent years trying to get my wife to love me the way she used to... now she says she does, but I lost my love for her. Too late! And I can't find the courage to tell her. Link to post Share on other sites
SBC Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 I stayed with my wife exactly for the commitment reasons others talk about in this thread... I should have left 15 years ago. I didn't and am still here... what did I get? 15 years of unhappiness. With what result? That now I don't love my wife anymore and I'm left wondering where do I go now from here... it's funny... I spent years trying to get my wife to love me the way she used to... now she says she does, but I lost my love for her. Too late! And I can't find the courage to tell her. You will. When the pain of staying becomes greater than the pain of leaving, that is when you will find the courage. Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 You will. When the pain of staying becomes greater than the pain of leaving, that is when you will find the courage. you are probably right... the pain is a background noise at the moment, but it's getting louder and louder... Link to post Share on other sites
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