SBC Posted December 12, 2011 Share Posted December 12, 2011 (edited) It actually does matter. I have a feeling that you, Ready2Go, saw a woman and felt like you could take one of those instead of your wife. Maybe she paid some attention to you and you thought you could have her. I am not telling you to stay married if you don't want to, but if this is your testosterone telling you to break a family built for 30 years, you may find yourself alone and lonely, dating a series of women in the next ten years or so, but eventually growing old all alone. Many people have divorced their spouses in pursuit of freedom - just to find that freedom to be more constraining than a marriage. You haven't come back to an empty house in 30 years! If you don't find the right woman for yourself, you may regret someday that you left a decent marriage... to search for passion. I hope, for your sake, that you don't live your life with this level of fear. To me anyway, it would be crippling. Besides, I think a person that hangs onto an unhappy marriage runs a much higher risk of ending up "alone" than someone that takes the risk to seek out new adventure and boundaries. Edited December 12, 2011 by SBC Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted December 12, 2011 Share Posted December 12, 2011 I hope, for your sake, that you don't live your life with this level of fear. To me anyway, it would be crippling. Besides, I think a person that hangs onto an unhappy marriage runs a much higher risk of ending up "alone" than someone that takes the risk to seek out new adventure and boundaries.You can certainly make arguments on both sides. It should be acknowledged though that taking "the risk to seek out new adventure" doesn't always result in happiness. His marriage was not really unhappy, and he is about to lose a lot in many aspects of his life by divorcing his wife. What will he get? No one knows. Link to post Share on other sites
SBC Posted December 12, 2011 Share Posted December 12, 2011 (edited) You can certainly make arguments on both sides. It should be acknowledged though that taking "the risk to seek out new adventure" doesn't always result in happiness. His marriage was not really unhappy, and he is about to lose a lot in many aspects of his life by divorcing his wife. What will he get? No one knows. If you really read what he has written, you will see that he appears well down the road of an independent life and has been for years. It does not sound like he is changing his entire life, but taking care of unfinished business. And if that sounds harsh, imagine what the reality must be like. This tells me that his risk at staying is greater than the risk of joining completely with his new life. Edited December 12, 2011 by SBC Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ready2Go Posted December 12, 2011 Author Share Posted December 12, 2011 There is no one else. No one caught my eye or even paid any attention to me. I'm not at all social. And I am content with being alone. I know the risks of the future. You forgot to add "broke financially" as well. It just might be the best thing for her. Let me ask you this, given a choice which one would you choose? 1) Have a husband that cares for you but does not "love" you. Which means no passion, no sex, no hugs, no kisses. Just a roommate. 2) A divorce because option #1 is unacceptable. Link to post Share on other sites
SBC Posted December 12, 2011 Share Posted December 12, 2011 There is no one else. No one caught my eye or even paid any attention to me. I'm not at all social. And I am content with being alone. I know the risks of the future. You forgot to add "broke financially" as well. It just might be the best thing for her. Let me ask you this, given a choice which one would you choose? 1) Have a husband that cares for you but does not "love" you. Which means no passion, no sex, no hugs, no kisses. Just a roommate. 2) A divorce because option #1 is unacceptable. If you are content to be alone, then why is the no passion, no sex and no hugs and kisses thing an issue for you? Why not just be alone with a roommate? Personally, I would choose #2. Because while I enjoy being alone and I love my single girl life and learning about myself, I know long term, I need passion in my life. I want sex, hugs and kisses with a man who loves me like crazy. I have been hurt before, many times, but I will still put myself out there again to have that. And I know I will find it. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 12, 2011 Share Posted December 12, 2011 Ready2Go when are you planning on telling your wife? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ready2Go Posted December 12, 2011 Author Share Posted December 12, 2011 Doing so assume that the other person wants a roommate. She does not. When I say "alone", and mean completely alone. Link to post Share on other sites
SBC Posted December 12, 2011 Share Posted December 12, 2011 What does she want? I thought you said earlier that she did her thing and you were doing yours. Is this not the case? Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted December 12, 2011 Share Posted December 12, 2011 There is no one else. No one caught my eye or even paid any attention to me. I'm not at all social. And I am content with being alone. I know the risks of the future. You forgot to add "broke financially" as well. R2G, I am trying to present the other side toyou, since you seem to see your side very clearly. I want you to take everything into consideration before it's too late. That's all. It just might be the best thing for her. Is this about her or you? Let me ask you this, given a choice which one would you choose? 1) Have a husband that cares for you but does not "love" you. Which means no passion, no sex, no hugs, no kisses. Just a roommate. Please don'tpresent your wife though with this twooption because she will be deeply offended. It won't make her feel like it's her choice (#2). I don't know what I would choose. If I am in my 50s and the friendship and fun are there, then it's more than room mates. I don't see love as sex and hugging and kissing - it's much more than that, although intimacy is part of it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ready2Go Posted December 12, 2011 Author Share Posted December 12, 2011 She wants me to stay and keep working on getting the passion back. She has said nothing about "what if it doesn't come back". I appreciate your comments, and I am trying to see the other side. I need that information. It's about "us". A marriage is not about one person, as you know. Helping myself means hurting her. It hate to think about it. It makes me ill. I would NEVER give her an option like that. That would be cruel. Those are just my thoughts. I would love to be her friend, and see her happy with a husband that has passionate love for her. I'm not that husband. Although, I'm still trying while really struggling. Link to post Share on other sites
SBC Posted December 12, 2011 Share Posted December 12, 2011 Does she have passionate love for you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ready2Go Posted December 12, 2011 Author Share Posted December 12, 2011 Yes, she does. It's very one sided right now. Link to post Share on other sites
SBC Posted December 12, 2011 Share Posted December 12, 2011 That is very unfortunate for her then. But you have said you have tried and that the feelings are not coming back and that you are tired of pretending and living the lie. I should hope you are! You are not hurting her by helping yourself --you are hurting her by not being honest with her and saying goodbye. Every day you deny her the truth is another day she could be finding someone else who will really love her. Someone earlier asked what is a few more months. When you think that a child is conceived in few minutes or that person can cross over from living to dead in a matter of seconds --A few months is a lifetime. She could have met her next husband today, but for you and your inability to do what it takes to set her free. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ready2Go Posted December 12, 2011 Author Share Posted December 12, 2011 I have been taking the time to make sure that I have done what I could. I don't want to look back and think "Is there something else I could have done?". Our marriage deserves this level of work. Yes, she could have met someone. She might already have and he is waiting to comfort her if/when I ask for a divorce. The holidays is not a good time to ask, or even talk to her about the possibility. Until then, I keeping seeking. Link to post Share on other sites
SBC Posted December 12, 2011 Share Posted December 12, 2011 (edited) You call yourself Ready2Go, and you started a thread titled "how do I tell her" but now you have backpedaled to the point of "if/when I ask her" some indeterminate time after the holidays I would think that sort of waffling and inability to make a decision would be miserable to live with, both for you and her. Anyway, at least you did not go out and have an affair and drag someone else into your mucky indecision. This board is littered with people suffering that fate. I wish you both the best whatever you finally get around to deciding. Edited December 12, 2011 by SBC Link to post Share on other sites
willowthewisp Posted December 12, 2011 Share Posted December 12, 2011 I think the reason why you are miserable is because you feel entitled. You thought your spouse owed it to you to stay married to you. Why did he have to? If you did not manage to offer him what he needed, then he is entitled to leave you. Just like you were entitled to leave him. A marriage is a contract not a life sentence. It's not because the marriage seemed a good idea 20 or 30 years ago, that it still is a good idea now. Besides, when you are in your 20-ies, you sometimes don't really know who you are and consequently you don't really know who is a good match for you. It's not because it once was a marriage, that it has to remain that way. Some people think that a marriage is keeping someone hostage. That's very judgmental of you, particularly when you don't know me or anything about my situation or what my realtionship with my ex was like. Just to set the record striaght, I am not miserable and I do not think people should be held hostage or have a sense of entiltment. I do think people should try to show love and care though in their dealings with others, including spouses. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ready2Go Posted December 12, 2011 Author Share Posted December 12, 2011 I waffle because no matter which direction I move, it's going to hurt. So I need to make 110% sure before I take that step. If I didn't care about her feelings, I wouldn't have posted anything here in the first place. Link to post Share on other sites
SBC Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 Uh-huh. To me, nothing would hurt worse than your waffling. Is he gonna leave or isn't he? She isn't getting a firm answer and so she feels the constant pain of uncertainty. It is like waiting on test results from a doctor and never getting an answer from them. Do I have cancer, or not?! Until one knows for sure, one cannot make a plan and deal with the cards they are dealt. She is caught in your analysis paralysis. It is cruel. And maybe her begging and pleading has more to do with her wanting an answer, ANY answer, than it does with her wanting you to stay. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ready2Go Posted December 13, 2011 Author Share Posted December 13, 2011 Geez....I say that I feel like leaving and others say "make sure, take your time, do all you can do. etc". Then I say making sure and others say "hurry up and do it, stay, divorce, etc.". I guess there is no real "good advice". Just advice. Which I still appreciate. What a mess! Link to post Share on other sites
SBC Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 You are making it much worse than it is. You should print out what you wrote in this thread and show it to her. You have said your feelings are not coming back and that you want to be alone. If it is the truth, then it is the truth and she needs and deserves to hear it. What is so difficult about that? Is she going to cry? yes. Is she going to be upset? yes. are the kids going to be upset? yes. is it going to be expensive? yes. are things going to be different? yes. but eventually, everyone will calm down and will come to terms with what has happened. It will be better and more authentic than living a fake it till you make it lie for the next 25 years. To me anyway. The only way out is through. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ready2Go Posted December 13, 2011 Author Share Posted December 13, 2011 I just need to clear my head and tell her. But I do not want to ruin her Christmas. So I should at least wait until that is over. Link to post Share on other sites
Lis007 Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 Readytogo i hope you dont regret your choices and decisions in the future... 30 years there must be something there... Dont take her for granted and while you decide, why not try to make her your number 1 priority. See what happens when you make her feel like the most special person in the world. What you give is what you get back. I would hate to see you ruin something that has been through so many ups and downs and so much... Wake up and realise you can make your marriage special its a choice and a mindset. You can make the difference. At least give it a try. Link to post Share on other sites
Lis007 Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 Readytogo i hope you dont regret your choices and decisions in the future... 30 years there must be something there... Dont take her for granted and while you decide, why not try to make her your number 1 priority. See what happens when you make her feel like the most special person in the world. What you give is what you get back. I would hate to see you ruin something that has been through so many ups and downs and so much... Wake up and realise you can make your marriage special its a choice and a mindset. You can make the difference. At least give it a try. Link to post Share on other sites
PinkInTheLimo Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 I do think people should try to show love and care though in their dealings with others, including spouses. Yeah, and if someone feels that they no longer feel enough to show love and care, there is nothing wrong with asking for a divorce. Which will always hurt. What would you have expected your spouse to do? To stay married to you even if he felt deep inside him that he no longer felt the love required to stay married to you. How long do you want people to try? It seems to me that sometimes the love just has gone. Ready2go is not acting on a whim and has apparently thought things over. Being a grown-up means accepting that sometimes a relationship stops. And rarely do both partners come to that conclusion at the same time, which causes the hurt. I personally would not want my partner to stay in our relationship if he feels that he no longer loves me. Link to post Share on other sites
PinkInTheLimo Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 30 years there must be something there... Nope. It's not because it lasted 30 years that there has really been a deep bond. How much do the partners have in common now with who they were 30 years ago? Would the partners now marry their spouse? The length of a marriage has nothing to do with its quality. Link to post Share on other sites
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