Newbie - How do I tell her

[Ready2Go]

Lis007, I have been trying. And will try a little more. But like Pink stated, this is not a decision I pulled out of my hat one day without thinking it over to the point of analysis paralysis. 30+ years is a long, and it has been good a majority of the time. That alone deserves everything I can do to save it. But I will not stay to make her happy while I just exist. She is a great person. I'm just not in love with her anymore, and that has been hard enough to realize and accept.

[andyg99]

to the OP - from what I have read you didn't even give counseling together a try... why?

[Ready2Go]

I'm much farther ahead than she is. To date, she said she doesn't see the need for marriage counseling. I've been to individual counseling for some time now. But if she asks to go, I will tell her how I feel about it (given my current position) and give it a go if she still feels the need.

[SBC]

Ok, so for a YEAR now you have been telling her you are unhappy. You have been going to therapy on your own. You have been reading books and it was you who came back after drifting part and asked her if she loved you. You have tried to get her to go to counseling (which she refused) and now you have finally resorted to looking on a divorce forum on the internet for answers.

 

And now she is begging you to stay and to re-find your passion for her, but she sees no need for couples therapy??? What does she want, a miracle?

 

It sounds like you are both done with this marriage, but are afraid to let go. You are miserable staying stuck where you are, but terrified to move on. Sooner or later, you have to stop sticking your toe in the water to determine if it is too cold and just jump in. Start the ball rolling and surrender to the events as they unfold. It will be like death. Traumatic and terrifying at first, but as time passes, the experience will transmute and it will lose its sharp edges. And soon, you will both find yourselves in a better place. This is when you can work on being friends.

 

The start of a new year is a good place for you to be now. Make 2012 a year of change, growth and healing.

Edited December 13, 2011 by SBC

[findingnemo]

R2G,

 

You sound pretty sure about what you want. But common sense is telling you to check your facts. That's why you're here.

 

Sometimes we make decisions believing that we know what we want 100%. As some have said earlier, many people regret doing things that they were certain about. The easiest way to tell her is in MC. The idea is to talk about your M explaining what you feel is missing and what needs to be done about it. You should be open and say you have been thinking about getting a D.

 

You say she won't go to MC. Try to get her to change her mind. Tell her that it's MC or D? If she's as passionate about you as you say, then she'll agree. The reason I suggest this is that MC will give you one last chance at eliminating causes such as mid-life crisis, GIGS or temporary insanity. MC also gives you the opinion of a professional who is outside your M. The sessions will include questions that force you to look at your situation realistically. Do this and stay or go as you decide thereafter. That's how you can tell her and limit the pain. MC will help her understand.

 

This is an anonymous forum and yet people find certain things very difficult to talk about. If there isn't someone else, is there something about your W that you don't like? Disgusting, uncomfortable kind of stuff? Or is it that she thinks she loves you but it's not the kind of love you need? I can't help but feel that there's something more going on here.

Edited December 13, 2011 by findingnemo

[Ready2Go]

@SBC: It hasn't been a year. It's been several months. But your point is understood.

 

@FindingNemo: She knows that I have been thinking about divorce. As far as her qualities as a partner, we have no common interests anymore. We had to work together to raise a family, and we did that very well. The time we spent alone together (when not at home) became her shopping, and me waiting in the bookstore, sporting goods store, or the car. We'd go home and go watch TV in separate rooms because I dislike the so-called reality drama shows in favor of history, comedy, science fiction or sports. And this went on for YEARS without either of us complaining about it. So from there, when the kids became adults, we started doing things alone outside of the house. Her shopping, and me going to sporting events, fishing, or something else. We grew apart.

 

You just made me think of something. If I was single now, met her on a date, and was evaluating her as a long term mate, I'd pass on the opportunity. Wow! That's sad!

[SBC]

@SBC: It hasn't been a year. It's been several months. But your point is understood.

 

!

 

my apologies, I thought you had said it was last year.

 

FindingNemo--don't you find the idea of having to threaten a divorce to get someone to go to marriage therapy, well, weird?

[Ready2Go]

I was not going to threaten or make a condition of MC or divorce. Might as well just file for divorce and move on if it's that bad.

[andyg99]

my apologies, I thought you had said it was last year.

 

FindingNemo--don't you find the idea of having to threaten a divorce to get someone to go to marriage therapy, well, weird?

 

no, it's not weird, it's more like a cold slap in the face.... it at least gives them a choice, sure they may go kicking and screaming to counseling but once in they may turn around or at least use the counseling to help themselves come to terms with a divorce... after all that time together it is the least one can do.... if they absolutely refuse to go then at least they were given a chance...

[Gunny376]

There is no one else. No lover. Nothing.

 

And, the counselor only agreed that it sounded like I was no longer in love with her after a long discussion and the many questions I answered. He's pushing for me to keep trying to love her again. I can't find the way.

 

How it happened? My guess is that we drifted apart years ago as we each got some time to do things we wanted to do (not common things) when the kids became adults. Our roles had changed from being full-time parents to getting some time to do other things.

 

Relationships? Can be easy to get into ~ difficult to maintain and one-hell of a son of bitch to get out of.

 

You've got it all wrong ~ being in love is what brings us together in the beginning being loving, caring, giving, sharing, complementary, thoughtful is just some of the glue of relationships that holds us together.

 

Being so called "in love" is primarly a bio-chemical reaction in our brain housing group that last anywhere between sixty seconds to six years, after which it begins to fade. (Just about enough time to conceive a child, get the child up to where they can walk, talk, feed themselves ~ this goes back to hundreds of hundreds if not millions of not just so-called biological evolution in the Darwin sense of the word ~ but also social and cultural conditioning ~ as in what a man is and what a woman is and what their roles in society and our culture are.

 

For every finger your pointing at your wife you need to look at the three you've got pointing back at yourself! Did you date your mate throughout the last couple of years or did you go from "Wining, dinning and a night out on the town ~ to a six pack, the TV and the "old lady"

 

What it taks to get them is what it takes to keep them. And anytime a man puts anything he can expect her to become cold, distant and indifferent ~ its a defense mechanism against being hurt. This is true if its hunting, fishing, golf, work, videogaming, hanging out with the boys, or drinking etc.

 

Women are social creatures and beings and they need to interact with other people. Women marry thinking that the men they marry will never change, and men marry thinking "Thank God ~ I don't have to do all that romance crap.

 

In the TV sit come "Mad About You!" Jamie asked Paul, "You use to bring me cards, flowers and sweet nothings. You use to take me to fine resturants, and write me love letters? Buty now that we're married you don't do any of that any more? Why?" To which Paul responded "Well we got married and I didn't think I had to do any of those things anymore?"

 

Wille Nelson and Waylon Jennings wrote a song about what your going through called "Lets Go To Lukenbach, Texas" as did Skip Ewing about working on working on us and falling back in love.

 

I would suggest you read "Light Her Fire" and have her read "Light His Fire" aand begin scheduling at least six months get-a-ways once a month to various bread and breakfast in romantic.

 

You've not fallen out of love ~ you and she have both let the fire go out of your relationship ~ it can be re-lit.

 

I'm here to stand up and testify to you Brother that being single and alone at 55 ain't no joke. Finding someone to love you ~ and I do mean really love you is one-hell-of a SOB!

 

You think it was hard finding women in your teens and twenties? Oh sure you can find a woman ~ but finding a good quality woman is much like finding a good job? There out there, but what ones there are tend to have already been taken, the folks what have them have had them a good long time and they plain on hanging onto and your just about going to have to kill them to get them away from them!

 

What is left?

 

Well you've got your,...............................

 

Prozac Bitch

 

Your Crazy Bithc

 

Your Crackhead/Coke/CRystal Meth Bitch

 

I've got old and I'm not the HBX10 (Hot Babe X 10) Bithc that wants to sleep with everybody brother, first, second, and half cousins to prove to herself that she's still got it.

 

You've got your "I'll marry the first thing that will come along and marry me" Bitch

 

and the list goes on and on ~ (Side the list for men is equally as long if not longer)

 

At your age your not likely to trade up from what you have. Most of what your going to run into is someone with a 74' Ford Maverick held together with bailing wire, duct tape, and prayer with a a car load of children or grandchildren a less than thirty hour week job down out the 7-11 making minimum wage.

 

But if your really set on it ~ and want to be more miserable ~ I say what tha' Hell go for it.

[Duckduckgoose]

R2G,

This is an anonymous forum and yet people find certain things very difficult to talk about. If there isn't someone else, is there something about your W that you don't like? Disgusting, uncomfortable kind of stuff? Or is it that she thinks she loves you but it's not the kind of love you need? I can't help but feel that there's something more going on here.

 

 

<---Agree. There is an elephant in the room here.

[SBC]

He said he wants to be alone. Why is this such an unbelievable concept to everyone? The thought on here is either he has to have someone else (ie, he is a cheater) OR, he will regret his decision forever because he won't find someone better to replace his current wife (ie. he is a fool on a fool's errand)

 

I believe him. I am alone, and while I did not realize how good it can be at first, I am slowly coming to the conclusion that I am happier alone than I have ever been when I was with someone else.

 

I am divorced for 2 years now.

Edited December 14, 2011 by SBC

[stillafool]

OP, I can understand you not wanting to ruin her Christmas but in a way it is already ruined because the divorce thing is hanging over her head. Whether you see it or not she is walking on egg shells right now to keep you. That can't be fun. Especially when the New Year comes and you will still want to leave. If you have no more love for her why oh why are you prolonging her misery. It is going to hurt her and there is no way around it. I agree with SBC, I would rather get on with it and start the process of my healing. It is far more unfair to keep her in limbo while you know that you no longer want her. Let her go and let her find her way. She is having a hard time right now because her life is going to change after 30 years. Once she accepts it the healing can begin. Your waffling is prolonging this process because you are going to leave in the end and that's not fair.

[stillafool]

Being alone isn't a bad thing. I was quite happy being single. You don't have to marry again or be in a relationship, you just have to be happy.

[Ready2Go]

My wife asked me not to ruin her Christmas. Plus, I received lots of advice to not associate a bad event with Christmas. I wouldn't want that either as my memory of something I did. If anything, I can show that I still care for her and respect her by making it a good Christmas with our adult children present as well.

 

I know she is walking on egg shells. And I don't like that either. I'm looking at a marriage counseling session at the end of the month if she agrees to go. If not, I'll go alone for counseling.

 

And for Gunny's info, I am not blaming anything on my wife. I accept full responsibility for my role.

[LifesontheUp]

Ready2go - I notice that you said that she does her thing and you do yours. Are there any things you could do together? To try and build back what you lost. Or did you have nothing together in the first place?

[Ready2Go]

As far as recreational or entertaining activities, no. We've talked about things to do together. We are opposites. When we were younger, we used spend time at the beach, hanging out in the mall because we didn't have A/C in our place, an occasional hike into some hills just to have sex outdoors. Other than that, she worked, I worked until we have enough to start a family and buy a house. She went back to college for her master's, and I went many years later for mine.

[findingnemo]

@SBC: It hasn't been a year. It's been several months. But your point is understood.

 

@FindingNemo: She knows that I have been thinking about divorce. As far as her qualities as a partner, we have no common interests anymore. We had to work together to raise a family, and we did that very well. The time we spent alone together (when not at home) became her shopping, and me waiting in the bookstore, sporting goods store, or the car. We'd go home and go watch TV in separate rooms because I dislike the so-called reality drama shows in favor of history, comedy, science fiction or sports. And this went on for YEARS without either of us complaining about it. So from there, when the kids became adults, we started doing things alone outside of the house. Her shopping, and me going to sporting events, fishing, or something else. We grew apart.

 

You just made me think of something. If I was single now, met her on a date, and was evaluating her as a long term mate, I'd pass on the opportunity. Wow! That's sad!

 

Wow! You seem so sure. And not dating her if you met her? Interesting. Did you also assume that you wouldn't really know her interests until you'd dated long enough to discuss them? Is there something that you'd see at first sight that you don't like now? Did she grow too fat? Too thin? Too wrinkly?

 

I still think you should go to MC as a last resort. Walking away now would leave her and others in your circle questioning what happened. Without MC, you could fall prey to regret.

[findingnemo]

my apologies, I thought you had said it was last year.

 

FindingNemo--don't you find the idea of having to threaten a divorce to get someone to go to marriage therapy, well, weird?

 

It's not a threat, SBC. In this case it's more of a promise. Ready said he has told her all this before and yet she who wants to stay M won't go to MC. She should be the one scheduling it and asking him to go. Perhaps she thinks he won't do it - D, i mean. Perhaps she thinks he is too comfortable in the M, or that theyve been M so long that he cant possibly live without her, who knows? Telling her in MC is a good thing. He puts the truth right there for her see.

[findingnemo]

no, it's not weird, it's more like a cold slap in the face.... it at least gives them a choice, sure they may go kicking and screaming to counseling but once in they may turn around or at least use the counseling to help themselves come to terms with a divorce... after all that time together it is the least one can do.... if they absolutely refuse to go then at least they were given a chance...

 

Absolutely!!!

[stillafool]

It doesn't matter if they go to counseling or not, Ready2Go is not in love and wants to move on. How is counseling going to change the fact that he doesn't love his wife anymore and wants to be on his own?

[Ready2Go]

UPDATE:

 

I brought up marriage counseling, and all she did was cry. She even said "I didn't do anything!" in anger as in she doesn't deserve this. But she agreed to go, as long as no one else knows we are going (our adult kids, family, friends, etc.).

 

I'm willing to do anything I can to help her, and myself.

[bigmomma1974]

Great that she has agreed to go to marriage counseling, maybe this can shed some light for the both of you. The only thing I have to say about all of this is before you file for aa divorce, settle for a seperation, move out and do your thing. This may help you find the passion you lost for your wife. Also if you enjoyed the beach when younger, why can't you both enjoy it now. Taking walks, going to the movies, going out to a romantic dinner. Have you tried any of these things. Who cares if you dont like what she likes compermise. I hate the shows hubby watches but I curl up with him and watch them, he does the same. I hate fishing, but I go to enjoy time with him. He does the same. If you can't do things together no wonder you lost the passion. She says she hasn't did anything wrong, but being an outsider looking in you both have. You let life pass you by and did things alone instead of together. that is sad Not one time have i seen you say you offered to take her on a date or vice versa... Marriage, love means keeping the spark alive it doesn't mean when the kids are grown go your seperate ways do seperate things.

[Ready2Go]

I take her out quite often. It's usually for dinner because she doesn't cook, and there are nights where I don't feel like cooking. It's not a movie or dancing (which I can't do) date. But we are together.

[dreamingoftigers]

There is no one else. No lover. Nothing.

 

And, the counselor only agreed that it sounded like I was no longer in love with her after a long discussion and the many questions I answered. He's pushing for me to keep trying to love her again. I can't find the way.

 

How it happened? My guess is that we drifted apart years ago as we each got some time to do things we wanted to do (not common things) when the kids became adults. Our roles had changed from being full-time parents to getting some time to do other things.

 

If you are not bull****ting about there not being another person involved, perhaps you should try a separation to see what your life would be like without your wife first. Often we can take these things for granted and a 30 year marriage is nothing to scoff at.

 

It would be very foolish to do otherwise.

 

As for falling in love again, at the very least check out some books on the subject. Give yourself more time then one convo at the counselor's office and seriously examine what the heck happened. Do the relationship autopsy now because someone that has had 30 years of a relatively peaceful marriage is in for one crazy rough ride through a divorce, especially if they have done the stupid: gotten involved with someone else.