Newbie - How do I tell her

[dreamingoftigers]

It doesn't matter if they go to counseling or not, Ready2Go is not in love and wants to move on. How is counseling going to change the fact that he doesn't love his wife anymore and wants to be on his own?

 

Because people aren't derelict slaves to what is likely a temporary emotional state. MC can help fill in the disconnect.

 

Ready2Go.... I strongly recommend EFT (Hold Me Tight being a good book about this one, but a bit wordy), and reading some John Gottman, especially The Relationship Cure. (As well as How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It. I have read close to 80-90 books in the last 3 years detailing addiction, marriage, relationships, child development, and the effects of Divorce. I have also pulled through countless relational and developmental obstacles. These are some of the better ones.

 

Seriously: try spending at least 90-180 improving the situation. You owe a 30 year marriage that much.

 

Many will say "but he's fallen out of love" like a relationship should always flow with passion, perfection and desire or it is expired like some rank sour cream. I disagree completely.

 

Just for the record though, your lack of attachment to your 30 year marriage and your way of addressing it sounds very much like either a starter affair, emotional affair or side sexual interest (such as an overabundance of pornography) has taken root. These side activities will play with the bonding hormones in your brain and divert your interest in your wife. Because newer neural pathways would form around them, your relationship with your wife on a sexual level (and, as follows, an emotional level) would seem dead or old. It would also cause you to, (my best terms) "not give a **** about it anymore." It would make you quite cold towards your partner. I hope you are sincere that you are not involved in a side interest. They tend to rise quickly, fizzle and leave you with much less then you had to begin with.

[SBC]

On thing to remember about posting here R2G is that many of the people replying to your thread are likely not even 30 years old, let alone having been married for 30 years.

 

It is a matter of perspective and experience, not something to be learned about in books.

 

Follow your instincts, and always stay faithful to YOUR truth. In the long run, it is always better to speak the truth of what is happening inside of you than to shield people from that has what creeped into your heart.

[SBC]

 

I'm willing to do anything I can to help her, and myself.

 

I dont doubt that you are, but the real question is --is she willing to do the same?

Edited December 28, 2011 by SBC

[PinkInTheLimo]

Seriously: try spending at least 90-180 improving the situation. You owe a 30 year marriage that much.

 

30 years of marriage does not mean anything if it was not a good marriage.

How do people get to 30 years of marriage? Often by "hanging in there". For various reasons: kids, finances, habit. And because they are told that they owe it to their 10, 15, 20 or 25 years of marriage to give it another shot. Before you know it your life is over and you have spent without ever being really happy.

 

Not every marriage should be saved. Sometimes it has reached its deadline after 30 years, sometimes it has even passed its deadline a long time ago at 30 years.

 

Why is it so hard for people here to accept that some people are not a goot match for marriage? Ready2go said it himself: he would not date her if he would meet her now.

 

Ready2go, you have to understand that if what you want is the end of your marriage, there is no way you can make the pill less bitter for your wife. There is simply no easy way to do it and dragging it out is only making it harder for your wife. You have to be totally open about the things you have told here.

[Lexygirl]

I have two things to say about this R2Go..

First... You made your name for a reason so why not Go?

Second... You are not being fair to your wife if you have this in your mind and are not sharing your feelings with her... she has a right to know that your marriage is possibly over.

[Ready2Go]

@SBC: I don't know at this point if she would do the same. She's hurting. I haven't seen any anger yet. It has to come sometime, from what I understand of the process.

 

@Pink: We are going to marriage counseling. It may be for nothing.

[SBC]

It may be for nothing? What do you mean may?

 

Your name here is Ready2Go, You started a thread titled HOW DO I TELL HER? You have stated several times that your love is gone and is not coming back.

 

What do you expect from marriage counseling? A miracle?

 

I truly do not understand what it is you want or are hoping for here or from her.

Edited January 4, 2012 by SBC

[Ready2Go]

She's been doing everything she can to keep me. I owe her the respect of at least trying marriage counseling. Perhaps the counseling may make me see something I don't see now, or help her understand that my passion for her is gone and that we are done. Hell, I don't know. I'm just trying to be nice and not make it hurt so much. But no matter what I do, it causes pain. It's all new to me, and her.

[SBC]

Just be sure you don't give her false hope. Think of it as a band-aid on a really hairy part of your body. What is better, --to rip it off all at once and be done with it, or pull a hair a day for the rest of your life?

[ThinkBelieve]

I am very sorry to hear what you are going through. I sympathize with you and I really hope your situation improves.

 

I hope the marriage counseling will helpful for you and your wife. Hopefully, it will be helpful and insightful for re-building your relationship to an improved condition. You sound like a really good man and I really hope your outcome is successful.

 

Your situation sounds quite similar to mine...except I did something very wrong and inconsiderate. My conscience and my actions had given me away anyways two weeks prior to Christmas, and I was not prepared for my husband's reaction. There was considerable anger, then hurt, pleading, sadness, uncertainty. I did take full fault, responsibility, and accountability for my wrongdoings and continue to do so. I wish things were easier.

 

It's good that your wife has agreed to marriage counseling if she is willing. I'm sorry she is hurting, if she is open to suggestion, perhaps she could try.

 

I think there is hope, through marriage counseling, communicating, and learning, that understanding can come from this. All one can do is try. I wish you success.

[giotto]

Ready2Go, I'm in the same situation, for other reasons, though. Mainly because my wife has had her problems and got very self-centered (can't blame her), ignoring me and my needs for a very long time (last 10 years, I would say - married 21, together 26). Things came to a head 3 years ago, when I threatened divorce. We went to MC and it didn't work. We separated. But then I asked her to take me back, and she did. BIG mistake! In the last 3 years, I realized that the feelings for my wife have gone, possibly because of the way she treated me (rightly or wrongly). She thinks everything is fine and she's been a lot more attentive towards me and appreciative (well, apart from sex). Now I find myself in a situation where I'd like to go, to be honest, and find it very difficult to pretend I'm in love with her. I'm pretty sure she loves me, although not like at the beginning. So, I should tell her, really, because it's not fair on her. But our youngest is 10 and I can't bear the thought of leaving my kids. We don't argue or anything, but we do different things.

 

I'm 48, so my advice to you would be: go now. Enjoy the rest of your life and be happy. And don't listen to all this bull**** about marriage being sacred. S*it happens and I believe you have suffered enough. It's nobody's fault. Personally, I'll have to wait another 10 years, but I can assure you I will be out of that door pretty quickly when it's time to go. Good luck!

[coopster]

Giotto- staying with someone just because you have children with them is wrong. Unless your a great actor and can fool everyone that your relationship is nothing but perfect?

Also Why do a lot off people here think that to be happy you HAVE to be with someone?? That you cant be alone and happy?

Dont get it.

[giotto]

Giotto- staying with someone just because you have children with them is wrong. Unless your a great actor and can fool everyone that your relationship is nothing but perfect?

Also Why do a lot off people here think that to be happy you HAVE to be with someone?? That you cant be alone and happy?

Dont get it.

 

I AM a great actor... Jokes apart, we have an ok relationship. We don't argue and get along. Ok, it might not be perfect - no cuddles, etc. - and we might not fool the children, but I still believe they are much better off with us together than separated. My wife works shifts and I work from home, and if I were to leave tomorrow, they would suffer enormously. I'm here when my wife is working nights or late or early and I look after them. If I weren't here, they would have to do everything themselves and I'm sure school and their social life would suffer too. Without even talking about financial hardship. So, I'm waiting...

[coopster]

I AM a great actor... Jokes apart, we have an ok relationship. We don't argue and get along. Ok, it might not be perfect - no cuddles, etc. - and we might not fool the children, but I still believe they are much better off with us together than separated. My wife works shifts and I work from home, and if I were to leave tomorrow, they would suffer enormously. I'm here when my wife is working nights or late or early and I look after them. If I weren't here, they would have to do everything themselves and I'm sure school and their social life would suffer too. Without even talking about financial hardship. So, I'm waiting...

 

well thats ok, just put on a false front on just for the kids....its all show.

No cuddles?? so basically they are growing up seeing a loveless relationship. No ~they wont suffer in later life, their social life and school will be just great. Then when they are older and get married ...they will also have the skills that you taught them to be loving and caring in the only way that they know...i`.e....loveless

 

 

anyway read the original thread starter yesterday and i wasn`t going to reply , but i am.

 

ready2go...swap places with me?, i would gladly love to live with my stbxf for 30 years ...or even 100. (married still of course!)... i`d die for her

 

you want to be a selfish you go ahead. tell her. whats the point in MC? thats of course you have doubts that you`re doing the right thing?

 

but even if you do have doubts...i bet they are selfish ones too?

 

you think that just because you posted here about what to do you`ll get sympathy???

i`m thinking you only want to go to MC so that you`d be spared the trouble of telling your wife it over. Let someone else say it?....save`s you the trouble and hassle eh?

[giotto]

No ~they wont suffer in later life, their social life and school will be just great.

 

At least they will be able to get a job...

[SBC]

At least they will be able to get a job...

 

But, you are being a martyr to your children --who may come to resent you for this.

 

I am not saying what you're doing is right or wrong, I am only saying that whenever you live in an unauthentic manner on someone else's behalf who has not been consulted about this --you run the risk that they will resent you because they may not want what you are giving them, which sets them up for a lot of guilt.

 

Does that make sense?

[giotto]

But, you are being a martyr to your children --who may come to resent you for this.

 

I am not saying what you're doing is right or wrong, I am only saying that whenever you live in an unauthentic manner on someone else's behalf who has not been consulted about this --you run the risk that they will resent you because they may not want what you are giving them, which sets them up for a lot of guilt.

 

Does that make sense?

 

yes, but it's a no-win situation whatever I do, because I can't predict the future... . My children might resent me for staying in an unhappy marriage for their benefit (or perceived benefit - by me), or they might resent me for leaving and making their life extremely difficult, practically and financially. Also staying with a mother who won't be able to dedicate enough time to them because of the need to work full time (she works part time now). I'd rather risk the first type of resentment... I think they are intelligent enough to be able to understand the situation in the future and I've seen the devastation of divorce on children.

[SBC]

yes, but it's a no-win situation whatever I do, because I can't predict the future... . My children might resent me for staying in an unhappy marriage for their benefit (or perceived benefit - by me), or they might resent me for leaving and making their life extremely difficult, practically and financially. Also staying with a mother who won't be able to dedicate enough time to them because of the need to work full time (she works part time now). I'd rather risk the first type of resentment... I think they are intelligent enough to be able to understand the situation in the future and I've seen the devastation of divorce on children.

 

At least you understand that your course of action comes with possible pitefalls. So many people don't and then they are POed when the kids turn out to be angry and bitter --which is the reason they do become angry and bitter --because no one asked them, or understood their position.

 

Your situation could change at any time --meaning, they could signal to you that they are ready to be done with the farce and they want to start living the truth. If you keep your eyes and ears open for that signal and act on it if/when the time comes, you all should come out of this OK. Or, as OK as anyone caught in the Human Condition can.

 

Best of luck and wishes to you all!

[SBC]

and I've seen the devastation of divorce on children.

 

 

And, divorce does not have to be devastating. If handled properly and with respect, it can actually be rewarding to children in that it teaches them that everyone's happiness (not only their own) is important and that there are no guarantees in life. It also teaches them how to be flexible and adaptive.

 

In other words, it teaches them some very important life lessons that are learned by pretty much everyone at some point in their lives.

[maybealone]

I don't have much experience with the effect of divorce on kids while they are kids, but I do have experience with how hard it can be for adults of "stayed together for the children" parents to have healthy relationships (even friendships). My advice would be to work on the marriage and try to recapture the loving feelings. You have ten years to kill, so to speak, so why not spend a couple of them working on the relationship with your wife? If you've already tried things, try to find some things you haven't tried. It could mean the difference between children who have an entire lifetime that is happy, vs, children who had a decent childhood.

 

Ready2Go, your situation sounds so familiar. Sometimes couples have a lot of things in common when they marry, then those things get replaced by the common bond of raising children. When the kids are gone, sometimes the couples find new interests to share together and grow as a couple, but sometimes they just grow apart.

 

Is your wife happy with how things are? I mean, would she be happy to spend another 30 years watching TV separately and having separate interests? Some people are, I think. And some people just don't want to let go even if they are happy with how things are.

[giotto]

I don't have much experience with the effect of divorce on kids while they are kids, but I do have experience with how hard it can be for adults of "stayed together for the children" parents to have healthy relationships (even friendships). My advice would be to work on the marriage and try to recapture the loving feelings. You have ten years to kill, so to speak, so why not spend a couple of them working on the relationship with your wife? If you've already tried things, try to find some things you haven't tried. It could mean the difference between children who have an entire lifetime that is happy, vs, children who had a decent childhood.

 

 

We have tried. We even went to MC. There is a huge stumbling block for me: sex. She is on ADs for OCD and she has no libido whatsoever. We have sex one or twice a month, but I know she does it for me. Maybe I'm shallow, but without the bonding which comes with sex - being wanted and desired - it's impossible for me to get close again and start loving her again. She said she would go to therapy, but she doesn't. I've run out of options. There isn't very much more I can do about it, because a relationship without intimacy is not a relationship. It's just being brother and sister. That's the missing piece of the puzzle. And I doubt my children suspect anything big. Maybe my two older ones feel that there is something going on, but they don't say anything. It's probable that they think we have a "different" relationship. Every couple is different. We are very affectionate and tactile towards them, so they are not missing out on love. And many of their friends' parents are divorced. And they are not very complimentary about their situation.

[ThinkBelieve]

I don't have much experience with the effect of divorce on kids while they are kids, but I do have experience with how hard it can be for adults of "stayed together for the children" parents to have healthy relationships (even friendships). My advice would be to work on the marriage and try to recapture the loving feelings. You have ten years to kill, so to speak, so why not spend a couple of them working on the relationship with your wife? If you've already tried things, try to find some things you haven't tried. It could mean the difference between children who have an entire lifetime that is happy, vs, children who had a decent childhood.

 

Ready2Go, your situation sounds so familiar. Sometimes couples have a lot of things in common when they marry, then those things get replaced by the common bond of raising children. When the kids are gone, sometimes the couples find new interests to share together and grow as a couple, but sometimes they just grow apart.

 

Is your wife happy with how things are? I mean, would she be happy to spend another 30 years watching TV separately and having separate interests? Some people are, I think. And some people just don't want to let go even if they are happy with how things are.

 

Ready2G, I apologize in advance for the t/j.

 

Maybealone, I responded to one of your opening posts and I am very curious about your situation, because you and your situation sounds so similar to mine (except for my cheating, and some other important differences). I see you are recommending R2G attend marriage counseling, or "work" on the relationship? If i may ask, does that imply you liked me recommending MC to you? And why are you suggesting that he hang in there for ten years? Sorry, I am just wondering where you arrived at ten years from?

 

Also, regarding your husband, may I suggest that you have your husband physically examined by a physician who specializes in physical intimacy? There are differential medical diagnoses that need to be ruled out when a man is lacking desire, ie. diabetes, hypertension, neurological disease, MS, medications, blood supply, etc....is your husband mature (age)? My husband was evaluated at a prestigious specialty clinic and was "normal"...just plain lack of desire...what can I say (sigh)....So that is a lost cause for me. Other areas in my relationship with my spouse are uncertain...But, perhaps your situation is curable???

 

Lastly, to add, you mentioned you and your husband watch TV in separate rooms? I'm not much of a TV person, except for sports, and football; personally, my husband loves his garage; if I may suggest, decreasing the amount of television? Maybealone, would that perhaps be an option for you and your husband?

[maybealone]

Maybe I'm shallow, but without the bonding which comes with sex - being wanted and desired - it's impossible for me to get close again and start loving her again.

 

I don't think that's shallow, and that's exactly how I feel in my relationship. Even if my husband turned into the most affectionate person tomorrow, it would be hard for me to get past the many years of neglect in that department. To me, intimacy, physical affection, feeling desirable to your spouse, and sex are what bonds two people as a couple.

 

Kids are very perceptive. Chances are, they speak badly of the divorce of other kid's parents because on some level they worry that you and your wife will split up.

 

Maybealone, I responded to one of your opening posts and I am very curious about your situation, because you and your situation sounds so similar to mine (except for my cheating, and some other important differences). I see you are recommending R2G attend marriage counseling, or "work" on the relationship? If i may ask, does that imply you liked me recommending MC to you? And why are you suggesting that he hang in there for ten years? Sorry, I am just wondering where you arrived at ten years from?

 

The ten years and recommendation of MC were directed at giotto, not Ready2Go. Sorry, it can get confusing when we get off track from the original thread! Hopefully you won't mind, but I'm going to answer your other questions (and your other post, which I did appreciate!) on my thread so that I don't completely hijack Ready2 Go.

[beenburned]

Readytogo,

I think a separation would be good to try. Sometimes we can't see the big picture because we are too close to the situation.

 

This will give you both time to see what your lives will be like without living with the other spouse.

 

I am also in a very long term marriage. If this were me, I would want to make double sure this separation would make me happy.

 

You mentioned financial problems. Will a divorce fix a money problem?

[bigmomma1974]

ready2go how is the marriage counsling going any updates?