Can he do this??

[Steen719]

First, let me say that I have sent an email to my attorney, but I am so anxious about this and beside myself, I am posting this question.

 

Short version of this (or as short as I can make it) is that I was married for 22 years. XH had an affair with an old gf 8 years into marriage, we had one son and we stayed together. Things rocked along..in my mind, things were fine. He became ill from Hep C, took tx 2009 (same year son left for college in fall 2009), became very ill and almost died from staph infection. My brother died while XH was in the hospital and I went home for just a couple of days. Xh had liver transplant; we moved temporarily to another city for transplant, ran up a lot of debt, took equity line, etc. He did great after transplant; we came home, he found facebook and off he took.

 

Found out in May he had been talking to another old gf; eventually found out they were planning an affair when I caught him. He added many young women and other women, stripper types, etc on fb. Anyway, the jist of this is; I divorced him. He is 57, gets SSD and will not go back to work although Dr. says he could. I have refinanced the house and killed myself working, teaching online and another part-time job and I am applying to substitute teach. We are still living in the house together. He has told me since May that he will fix the things that need to be fixed for us to sell it and he hasn't. I cannot afford to pay someone to do it and the garage and a third bedroom and the den is FILLED with his crap. I wouldn't buy it if I could not see it.

 

In the divorce decree, I am to pay his health insurance through my retirement, which will be $600 a month until Dec. 1st, 2012. He does not get any part of my retirement (I would have to work forever if he did), no alimony. I pay most of the bills here, house payment, 2nd mtg, equity line, power bill, water bill, phone & internet and I try to help my son. He gave me $200 last month to help me. He has more than that, but he is too busy using it for him. He went to the races all last weekend and is dating someone he met online in her 30s (well he is meeting her in person to start it up). She has 3 children, high school age and down.

 

I am sick of this. I am tired of taking care of him and at this point my sanity and health mean more to me than bad credit. I told him today that he had until January 1st to get the house ready to put on the market or I was leaving and he could deal with it. I don't care if he cannot afford it or if it forecloses. My brother is willing..offered to co-sign for me to rent somewhere if still owning the house will prevent my renting.

 

So...here it is. He said he will get an attorney and claim abandonment. We are divorced, so how can that be? He said he can take me back to court to get alimony and part of my retirement, but he signed the divorce papers of his own free will. Can he actually do this?

 

I'm sorry this is so long. I am so upset and while I am not perfect, I really did try to do right by him while we were married. I was faithful, supported him through nursing school, stayed with him through his infidelity and took care of him through his illness. I need some time to get through the last two years and get away from him.

 

Thank you for reading this if you got this far.

Edited December 7, 2011 by Steen719
addition

[andyg99]

ugh... sorry to hear this... I don't think owning a home is worth all of the crap you are going through... myself - I'd dump the home and move on, if you are already divorced I can't see how he can hurt you (of course only a lawyer can tell you for sure) - get out of there NOW before you truly lose your sanity. If a Dr. says he can work then let him take care of himself! I'd rather live in a one bedroom dump than be with someone who is using me... GET OUT NOW!

[Steen719]

Thank you, Andy. Really, I need a voice of reason, such as my brother is. I really don't care about the credit. I can rent somewhere and not have to be near him. My thoughts are that a judge won't change the provisions of the decree because no one forced him to sign it. Ugh is right. I am just so upset and it seems like I just stay this way all of the time. Can't be good for me.

Thank you.

[Steen719]

So, I dug out the paperwork and it says that we each will pay 1/2 of mortgage, 1/2 of 2nd mortgage and 1/2 of home equity until the house sells. So, he would have to come up with that (has not yet) if he stays here in the house and I would get the utilities out of my name. I guess I could the other half, until he could not and that time it would default. Oh God, this is such a mess.

[reboot]

He can't claim "abandonment". You're already divorced. It takes a spouse being gone 6 months to a year (depending on the state) when you're married, and you aren't. The man is BSing you.

[ladyravenloft]

I would also turn his sorry rear end in for disability fraud. If he's well enough to be hanging out at the track waisting money on tramps and such, then he is well enough to get a job. Too many people that need SSD can't get it and yet idiots like him can. Burns me up.

[Steen719]

So far, a short answer from the attorney (until he looks at the settlement in detail) is that all that could happen to me is "Improved Mental Health" if I leave. He is going to get back to me about it. XH followed me around calling me a f**king bitch and other names and in general, pretty nasty. If I continued to pay 1/2 of the house, 2nd and equity line even if I moved, he would not be able to pay his half and it would be throwing good money away, so that will be the focus of what I'll try to get from attorney. I don't think he can go back to court for the alimony and retirement as we are already divorced and there has not been a change; like me getting a great job, just another one to pay every freaking thing.

 

When he got SSD, he needed it. He was really ill before the transplant. Now he does not want to work because he doesn't want to lose the SSD. It is that type of mentality that drives me nuts. He is willing to let me work like a dog to cover everything. His dating was the last straw. I could pay for the house and everything else, and he can spend his money on dating? It was the car races and it was all weekend long. What a POS

[PinkInTheLimo]

So far, a short answer from the attorney (until he looks at the settlement in detail) is that all that could happen to me is "Improved Mental Health" if I leave. He is going to get back to me about it. XH followed me around calling me a f**king bitch and other names and in general, pretty nasty. If I continued to pay 1/2 of the house, 2nd and equity line even if I moved, he would not be able to pay his half and it would be throwing good money away, so that will be the focus of what I'll try to get from attorney. I don't think he can go back to court for the alimony and retirement as we are already divorced and there has not been a change; like me getting a great job, just another one to pay every freaking thing.

 

When he got SSD, he needed it. He was really ill before the transplant. Now he does not want to work because he doesn't want to lose the SSD. It is that type of mentality that drives me nuts. He is willing to let me work like a dog to cover everything. His dating was the last straw. I could pay for the house and everything else, and he can spend his money on dating? It was the car races and it was all weekend long. What a POS

 

What an incredible *********. I would contact the authorities who give him money and denounce him as someone who refuses to work.

You are in a much stronger position than this loser. Show him that you are prepared to destroy him if necessary and he will probably back off.

 

It's clear that he is pissed as hell that his private bank has stopped borrowing him money.

[PegNosePete]

Do you have a final and formal ruling in place which settles the finances of your marriage once and for all?

 

If so then you need to stick to that ruling and so does he. If either of you fail to stick to it then the other can take them back to court for enforcement (and claim costs too).

 

Sharing a house after you're done with the divorce sounds like a recipe for disaster.

[mark982]

since the divorce papers say the you each must split the loans 50-50, i would keep a rolling account on the amount he has'nt paid and subtract that from any moneys recieved when you sell the place.

[Steen719]

Peg Nose Pete:

Yes, I have the decree and reading from it, it says: "There will be no spousal support for either party now or in the future". It also says that I will retain my own retirement and I will not provide a survivors annuity for him. It does say that we each will pay 1/2 house payment, 1/2 equity line and 1/2 2nd mortgage until the house is sold, so now my question to the attorney is should I continue to pay my half when I leave, knowing that XH cannot pay when I am gone. I'll get the utilities out of my name and he can get them put in his name. He won't be able to afford the payments, so I am worried that I will be throwing money away just to satisfy the decree. I guess the attorney will advise me.

Living together is a big recipe for disaster; you are right. I filed the divorce before leaving because I did not want to change my mind. Even though he is POS, it was hard for me to follow through. I also knew, that given enough time, he would turn nasty. I was right. I feared for my finances if he came after me and it looks like he would have. So, I traded having to stay with him to protect my future. I have always worked hard and while I don't have much, I want it to be mine.

 

Pink:

That is exactly what it is. He is upset because I am not willing to fund his lifestyle. His begging me back had nothing to do with his feelings for me. Even my 21 year old son does not want us back together because as he put it "He has been a jerk to you Mom and you deserve to be happy" and he loves his dad. I do not want him to stop getting his disability because I do not want to ever be put in a position to have to support him again. I want to get away from him and he can do whatever the **** he wants to.

 

Thanks you guys. It always helps to get other perspectives and I appreciate it.

[PegNosePete]

Well what are the plans for the house? Will it be sold, will he take it over? Whose name is it currently in? What does your divorce settlement say will happen to it? I think that is more important than who is paying what. You need to keep your eyes on the prize and move towards the end result rather than get bogged down in intermediate stages.

 

Normally when one spouse (or ex in this case) moves out of a jointly owned house the remaining person would pay the entire mortgage. This is only fair since they have exclusive usage of the property. He would pay your half of the mortgage for effectively "renting" your half of the house off you.

[Steen719]

PNP,

The plan was to sell the house and in order to do that a few things had to happen. He finally fixed a wall in the garage, but since then, he has done nothing to move his crap out. He loves things and stuff and the garage is completely filled. You cannot walk through it, honestly. How could anybody actually look at the house? I have been asking him since May to get all of this stuff out. The third bedroom is the same way. You cannot walk around the bed..filled with crap. The den, where he stays all of the time, is also filled with his crap.

It says in the divorce decree that we will sell the house and split those three payments until it is sold. However, since he has a nice home to live in and most of his money to pay his bills and do whatever he wants, he has no incentive to get his stuff out and help me get the house ready to put on the market. He just keeps dragging his feet and in the meantime, I am here with him.

It is in both of our names, so I am responsible for it as well. He cannot afford to pay me half of the payments and his bills. I was going to buy him out, but discovered the mortgage companies and banks do not want to take anyone off the mortgage (I can understand it).

 

I am also responsible for half of his medical bills that occurred prior to the divorce, but I could determine what that amount is and pay $50 a month to the hospital directly. I will not give him any money.

 

If I leave and do not pay for the mortgage, he cannot afford it and it will go into default.

 

If I leave and pay my half of the mortgage, he cannot afford the other half and it will go into default and my money will be gone for nothing.

 

If I stay, I may lose my mind.

 

I hope the attorney can help me answer these questions. A fine mess I have myself in, right?

[PegNosePete]

Well it sounds like you need to get the house sold ASAP. It is not necessary to empty it of crap for that to happen. An estate agent does not really care how much stuff is in the house, they only look at the walls and fixtures that will be staying. Things like building a wall do not prevent a house being put on the market either. I think you mean you want to do these things so that you will get the best price for the house. That may be true but you will have to weigh up price against hassle and time taken to sell. You might be better off to sell sooner for a lower price than to continue paying mortgage while waiting endlessly for these improvements to be done.

 

If he is dragging his feet then surely there are legal actions you can take. I don't know about over there but here in the UK you could apply for a penal notice if he is not complying with court directions (ie. to sell the house). If the decree says the house must be sold then it must be sold and if he is not allowing that to happen then he is in contempt of court.

[Steen719]

Thanks, Pete. I did get another email from the attorney and he said I am not to worry about the annuity or support. XH will not be getting those. When I asked him about the house and the questions I posed above, he said I could pay them $500 to discuss it further. If I tried to do something to him legally, I would have to pay them as well. Kick me when I am down!

 

I am going to paint the two areas that need painting and he has agreed to work on getting some of the stuff out of here. You are right; I need the most I can get for the house because we have 3 mortgages on it. One was entirely because he was ill, could not work and we had to have some money to live on and move temporarily to the other city. He agreed to give me the medical bills to review and pay me the money for half of the mortgages. We'll see. He told me yesterday when he was so angry and calling me a f***ing bitch that I had never seen nasty from him (to which I disagreed) and that he would show me what nasty was. He said my son would most likely be on my side and if that was so and he never talked to XH again, then he guessed he would take it to his grave. Nice guy.

 

I want to moan about all of it, but it does not help. Part of my anxiety and anger about this is that today, he has his date with his 34 year old today. Begging me one day to stay with him; setting up a date with a new facebook friend the next. I guess I just have trouble understanding that mentality, but then he is a cheater and it should not surprise me. As my brother told me; it is not surprising as he was trying to set something up when we were married. I don't want to be married to him, he should move on and I understand this, but it still does bother me.

 

Getting away from him will be the best.

 

Thanks for your concern and advise, Pete. I really do appreciate it.

[PinkInTheLimo]

I would try to clean up and renovate the house as good as you can without waiting for him to do something (he won't because he is comfortable there). Throw things away which don't belong to him personally.

Meanwhile, talk to your lawyer or take a cheaper one to hear what your options are.

 

I guess you have the right to put up the house for sale, even if it's not in the perfect condition right now. I know you would get more if it is nicely cleaned up and some renovation is done but it seems to me that for your mental sanity you need to get out there as soon as possible.

[Steen719]

Pink, I am going to do my best to get it looking the best it can. I have already cleaned closets and moved some of my stuff to a storage area. I think I can have it ready by the first of the year to put on the market. There is nothing other than the painting of 2 areas that needs to be done in terms of renovation. The house is actually quite nice and in good shape.

 

Sadly, I do not have the money to talk to an attorney. I am saving every little bit I can to make sure I can pay for his health insurance for a year. I have applied to substitute teach and I am hoping that will come through in January. That would be 3 jobs! (but one of those ends at the end of February) Good thing I am not afraid of work.

 

You are right; I need to leave here soon if I am going to maintain my sanity and start to heal from this disaster. Thanks, Pink. It is nice to be able to mull this over with others.

[jaymz]

I kinda have the same problem: I need to sell the house to clear debts and finalize divorce with the STBXW. I am living in the house still and have had no luck selling it. The STBXW took everything and so the house looked bare and tired and this was reflected in the feedback from potential buyers.

 

I have spent the last few months every other weekend with friends and family re-painting the house and "dressing it" so it looks much more presentable for when the market picks up after Christmas.

 

No help at all from STBXW, only comments like "you have no vested interest in selling the house do you?".

 

The next fun bit is to go through all the stuff the STBXW left behind and through it away, to get rid of memories and to de-clutter the house further.

 

If you can rely on your STBXH then doing it yourself or enlisting help from friends/family is the best thing. Hope you sell it soon.

[carhill]

Does your divorce decree address legal fee/court cost relief if one party is found to be in breach?

 

While he might not have cash, there is value in assets he jointly or severally owns that could be attached to satisfy such claims.

 

Essentially, what's going in is he's caring the least. Your decision will be whether you'll choose to care more or care less. Personally, I'd crunch the numbers and whatever worked out best for me is what I'd do, no matter who was impacted. Caring too much is a sure path to an early grave, IME. I learned that lesson from my exW

 

How far are you willing to go? That's a good question to ask. A good lawyer can take you to places you never thought existed, all legal, but not necessary 'caring'. Up to you.

 

I'd take a hard look at the house and it's mortgages. Check the details. Get some legal advice on that specific issue. Like you said, you want to 'get away'. Make that job #1.

[PinkInTheLimo]

You are right; I need to leave here soon if I am going to maintain my sanity and start to heal from this disaster. Thanks, Pink. It is nice to be able to mull this over with others.

 

Hey, you're welcome. I feel so sad that you have to go through this and I find it amazing what some people do to other people, esp. people they are supposed to have loved. Reading your posts makes me wanna spank your husband.

 

I have read more stories like yours on the internet; it's clearly not only women who are golddiggers. This makes me really afraid to ever get married (at 47, I was never married but it was something that I would always want). I have a very comfortable, secure income so if I would ever get married, financies would first be checked in detail and I am not sure if I would ever want to own something together with my spouse. You know who you marry but not who you divorce...

[Steen719]

Jaymz,

I would love to get family to help, but I am here by myself. My family would come, but it would be very uncomfortable for them. I know it is hard being there without furniture, etc., but really, I think I would give up almost everything here to get him to leave. If it stuff your STBXW doesn't want, pile it up and put it in the trash. I would not even go through it unless it is something you want or need. Does she get half the profits?

 

Carhill,

The divorce decree did not address that. I thought about what you said and if I had to get an attorney, I could borrow money from family to do it. I am not a greedy person, never have been. I just want to sell the house and get away from him. That is my #1 goal and job, as you put it. After talking to you all and friends and family, I think what I will do is do the best I can to either get him to move his crap out and get ready to put the house on the market after January 1st. I don't care if he likes it or not. If he has to start paying me, which is what I told him, he will have more incentive to get out. No more footing the entire bill for me.

 

I am in a no-fault state (Florida) and no one cares about anything but trying to even it out. I was lucky he signed what he did. Although I bent over backwards giving him more, I can keep my retirement and no survivor's annuity for him and no support. Looking at what I think we will get for the house, I actually will not end up getting much, as he gets more than I do to even out credit card bills. At this point, I just want out. I can support myself and if we sell, instead of me walking away, I can at least buy something if I want to. My family and dear friends live in NY, but my son is in college here, so I don't want to leave now. Mess.

 

Pink,

I would not get married again, but I am at a different place in life than you are. I do think, despite my experiences, that there are good men out there. Some of the men on this site have experienced the same thing I have and they were honest and honorable. I do not think they are as easy to find, though. Could be my perception is warped!! I have no idea of whether this is the right thing to do or not, but IF I ever got married again (will not, but if), I would insist on a pre-nup, never combine finances, not buy anything together and have an agreement in place about everything before I got married. I think this is one of the reasons I would never get married again. What would be the point? I think that I would like to have someone to share some things with..dates, trips, fun things (ah hem:D), but I have no desire to be entangled again. That being said, my son is the greatest gift I have ever been fortunate to get and I thank my lucky stars that I have him.

 

Well, thank you to everyone who helped me. You don't know how just being able to write it out and read your responses has helped me (well, maybe you do since you are here, too).

[PinkInTheLimo]

Pink,but IF I ever got married again (will not, but if), I would insist on a pre-nup, never combine finances, not buy anything together and have an agreement in place about everything before I got married.

 

That's also the way I would do it. And yes, you can say that it then does not make sense to get married but for me it still means a bigger commitment than just live together. If my partner would "only" want to live with me without getting married, I would get the feeling that he is not totally into me and the relationship.

[Steen719]

I can see how that would make you feel that way. I guess I was thinking that I would like someone who had his own house and we just spent time together. I would not want to live with someone again. Oh, I am just jaded and burned. I think, in your situation, being married might make sense. I guess it just doesn't for me. I am grateful for one thing, though. I have never felt like I had to have a man to be happy. I have friends at home that I have known since elementary school and believe it or not, we still have a pretty large group of friends who still see each other. When I was home in October, a bunch of us got together a few times and it was wonderful. My goal if to eventually get home (even though it snows way too much there).

 

I was thinking about a friend of mine who I used to work with. She was always dating, I mean always had someone interested in her. She was very smart, but not really attractive in the classic sense and was overweight. She had so much self confidence and was so much fun and could talk about anything, she never lacked for company.

 

Oh, and Mark, I did ask for an accounting from him and told him what you said...it would be taken off the profits if he did not pay.

 

Thanks, all.

[Steen719]

Does your divorce decree address legal fee/court cost relief if one party is found to be in breach?

 

While he might not have cash, there is value in assets he jointly or severally owns that could be attached to satisfy such claims.

 

Essentially, what's going in is he's caring the least. Your decision will be whether you'll choose to care more or care less. Personally, I'd crunch the numbers and whatever worked out best for me is what I'd do, no matter who was impacted. Caring too much is a sure path to an early grave, IME. I learned that lesson from my exW

 

How far are you willing to go? That's a good question to ask. A good lawyer can take you to places you never thought existed, all legal, but not necessary 'caring'. Up to you.

 

I'd take a hard look at the house and it's mortgages. Check the details. Get some legal advice on that specific issue. Like you said, you want to 'get away'. Make that job #1.

 

I am calling an attorney on Monday. My brother called me tonight and is concerned for me to stay here any longer than I need to, so he offered to pay for a consultation with an attorney to settle the house issue. I will not be bullied by XH anymore. He sure does not like me standing up for myself. Too bad.

[andyg99]

My brother called me tonight and is concerned for me to stay here any longer than I need to, so he offered to pay for a consultation with an attorney to settle the house issue. I will not be bullied by XH anymore. He sure does not like me standing up for myself. Too bad.

 

that's good to hear! I'm glad your brother has stepped up and is helping you out... I just want to point out to everyone that if you need financial help at times like these and you are lucky to have a family member who is willing to help put any pride aside and LET THEM HELP YOU! to this day I am forever grateful to my sister who was there for me 16 years ago when I needed help....