Spouse tries to run me over with her car

[Gerhard]

Many of you have followed my earlier threads about my wife who almost certainly suffers from BPD. See http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=272148&page=2

for the most recent thread.

Over the last several months, things have been fairly smooth. But just the other day she tried to run me over with her car and actually hit me - not once, but twice. I later asked her why she hit me and she admitted doing it and admitted she knew I was behind the car. I called 911 and the police came by but no report was taken - probably because she wasn't here when they came by.

 

I am now wondering if I should

a) have charges pressed against her (or change from no report taken to report taken)

b) threaten to press charges against her unless she'll go to counseling

c) do nothing

d) write to her family (already done)

e) any other ideas?

[whichwayisup]

Huh? The cops came and you didn't give them run down (sorry how that reads) of what happened? So what if your wife wasn't there. A warrent should have gone out for her arrest! At best, she should be in the psych ward for 72 hours being assessed. She put your life in danger! Who knows what she is capable of. What if she runs over someone else? A child, or an innocent by stander!

 

Were there witnesses? Neighbours who saw this happen?

 

Sorry, I guess I don't understand why the cops didn't make a report out even though she wasn't there when they arrived.

 

I would call the cops back, file a report and ask them to make arrangements for her to be assessed by a Dr in the pysch ward. IF you do nothing, you're enabling her behaviour.

[Stung]

File a report. Threaten her with real jail time if she doesn't get serious counseling. And get the hell out of there--she's hitting you with A CAR, man, not a pillow. Please take care of yourself.

[SoMovinOn]

I'm wondering, since she is your W - if she gets arrested, wouldn't you end up getting stuck with all the legal and lawyers fees?

[Woggle]

File a report. She could have killed you.

[Gerhard]

Before pressing charges, I want to have some legally obtained audio/video of her admittance. I've gotten her to admit to me that she hit me with the car, so I could easily get an audio recording of her admission. But California is a two party concession state for recording phone calls. So a surreptitious recording would likely get thrown out in court. I don't know about recording live conversations. And it would be hard to get her to admit it if she knew a video camera was recording her.

[whichwayisup]

Did anyone witness this?

Do you have bumps, bruises, cuts?

Does the car have scratches or dents?

 

A call was made, the cops came but why didn't you make a report? I still don't understand how the cops could leave after receiving a 911 call that your wife ran you over and they left with no paperwork. Sorry, it just make no sense to me.

[Gerhard]

Did anyone witness this?

Do you have bumps, bruises, cuts?

Does the car have scratches or dents?

 

A call was made, the cops came but why didn't you make a report? I still don't understand how the cops could leave after receiving a 911 call that your wife ran you over and they left with no paperwork. Sorry, it just make no sense to me.

No bumps, bruises or cuts. Car has no scratches or dents.

 

She did admit several times to me verbally that she hit me with the car and also admitted it to a friend of hers.

 

Officer didn't ask if I wanted a report taken. The officer checked a box that said, "no report taken".

 

Among those close to us, I've been told my wife will definitely leave if I arrange for them to take her into a 72 hour hold. She's that messed up with her BPD.

 

If it weren't for the fact I love her, I'd leave her in a heart beat.

[oldguy]

Umm, pressing charges generally requires evidence or credible witnesses willing to come forward. Even if you show up with injuries you pretty much need evidence she did it.

 

I'd be more concerned about waking up in the morning dead or with my manhood glued to my leg or worse, the wall across the room.

 

By the way, what led up to her hitting you with the car, twice?

[PinkInTheLimo]

I am almost laughing at this thread if it was not so sad.

 

Gerhard, seriously, don't tell me you are still married to that mad woman.

 

What you should do is simple: divorce her, get a restraining order and send her back to where she comes from.

 

And learn the lesson that you are probably better off with a woman your age from your country instead of one of these foreign golddiggers.

[PinkInTheLimo]

Among those close to us, I've been told my wife will definitely leave if I arrange for them to take her into a 72 hour hold. She's that messed up with her BPD.

 

Then let her leave!!! It would be the best thing that can happen to you!!!

[Gerhard]

Without going into great detail, my spouse is apparently suffering from a fairly serious case of borderline personality disorder. The only reason I haven't dumped her yet is because I love her.

 

Over the course of the last couple years, my wife has threatened to commit suicide, has physically assaulted me, has vandalized or physically destroyed property in our house in fits of rage. She has also driven her car dangerously in fits of rage. Given this behavior, it is my feeling that she could easily end up getting arrested for reckless driving, physical assault or vandalism. Among the things she has done are slamming glassware on the floor, slamming a valuable lamp on the floor and hitting me with her car multiple times.

 

I have tried to discuss these things with my wife, but she will not discuss any of this with me. I have tried to get my wife to see a doctor or counselor for this, but she has refused to go. My wife purports to be a Christian and had us going to church together, but she exhibits quite a lot of very non-Christian like behaviors. On more than one occasion, my wife has claimed that her un-Christian like and violent behavior as well as her fits of rage were excusable because she said she is a Christian. The church offers counseling programs for people with conditions such as the one my wife has as well as for couples in which one person has a serious behavioral condition, but when I suggested we go to the Christian church for counseling, she refused to go. I have tried to reach out to some of her close friends to see if they can help her, but while they have each tried to help, my wife continues to engage in this behavior.

 

Now I have reached out to even more of her friends and asked them to work with me to help my wife. But given her reaction, I sense that her friends are siding with her. What to do?

[PinkInTheLimo]

What to do?

 

Gerhard, your wife has issues but you have issues as well!!! You come here everytime complaining about the situation (and rightly so) but our advice does not get through to you.

 

You are married to a nutcase and you condone her behaviour by staying with her. You have to file for divorce and get a restraining order. Otherwise this will end in murder: either she will kill you or you will kill her.

Stop your masochism. You married the wrong woman and it's your own fault because you wanted at all costs a younger Asian one.

 

Of course your wife will go totally ballistic if you divorce her but she will go ballistic anyway. I know it sounds harsh but the best thing for everyone is that she kills herself.

 

BTW, please make sure that she does not become pregnant with your child or this will get even worse.

 

Yeah I know you would like us to say that there is a solution but there isn't. Get out of that marriage as soon as you can. And let me tell you this: there is noone here on LS, really noone who did not see these problems coming...

[Quiet Storm]

My sister has severe BPD.

 

If you want to have any peace in your life, you will have to leave her. It's sucks, but that is the bottom line.

 

Otherwise your life will be filled with drama, violence, mood swings and incidents like this. When a Borderline is in the middle of a rage, they lose all sense of logic and control.

 

I know you love her, I love my sister.

 

But you can love her from a distance. I told my sister, I love you, but I can't have a relationship with you because you are toxic. Borderlines will bring you down with them. They can't see past their own feelings. They are incapable.

 

Even if they do good for awhile, they always revert back to it. The rage...it's their default. They can try and control it, they can get zonked out on psych meds, they can go to therapy...but their default will always be that rage, IMO. My sister was inpatient in Sheppard Pratt, one of the best Psych hospitals in the country. She had the best doctors and the best therapy. She kept it together for about a month after she was discharged. One thing didn't go her way...and her default, the rage, was reactivated.

 

The fear of her committing suicide probably keeps you there.

 

You have to accept that she may in fact kill herself. She will feel abandoned and try EVERYTHING to get you to stay. She will rage, she will be nice, she will seduce, she will manipulate, she will pretend like nothing every happened, she will trick you and test you. You need to be prepared for this. You have to let go of the outcome. She might die. Keep telling yourself that until you accept it.

 

I basically had to self talk to myself when I cut off my sister. "She might kill herself. If she does, it will suck, it will be a tragedy, but I will be okay."

 

My sister holds my parents hostage with her suicide threats and I wasn't going to allow her to do that to me. My relationship with my parents is strained because I won't allow her in my life.

 

She is sick and it's not her fault that she is like this. But that doesn't mean you have to give up YOUR life.

 

You can love her, but accept that she isn't good for you. Loving her doesn't mean you have to tolerate madness.

[Gerhard]

What many in here are forgetting is that I love my wife. If I didn't love her, this would have been a no-brainer a long time ago. She would have been gone a long time ago.

 

I am hopeful that she will recognize her wrongs and ultimately work on fixing them. I've observed others get over things like this.

 

The big question is how to get her out of denial and get her the help she needs. If I work through her friends, as soon as she hears I contacted her friends, it merely escalates the problem.

Edited December 9, 2011 by Gerhard

[Quiet Storm]

I get that you love your wife. I think what you don't get is that loving someone doesn't mean you have to be with them.

 

Many couples that separate still love each other, but they have determined that they are not compatible. They can't live with each other. Love doesn't mean you hurt yourself for another person.

 

Even if you can convince your wife to get help, don't count on it working. In my post above, I explained how my sister has received help, years and years of it, and she is no better than when she started. Therapy and medication is not a magic cure for BPD. Many therapists will not even see BPD patients. They will just lie and lie. The therapist becomes their audience.

 

I am sorry to be such a downer, but if she really does have severe, BPD, in my opinion there is no hope or cure. However, I am biased based on my personal experience.

 

You should make your choices based on how she is in the present, not based on hope that she may one day "get better".

 

If you have decided to stay with her NO MATTER WHAT, then you need to accept that this is how your life is going to be. You need to accept that you have signed yourself up for a lifetime of drama, yelling, accusations, manipulations and dodging cars. You know how she is, and you are CHOOSING to stay with her. Just like a woman that keeps going back to an abuser. At some point, she ceases to be a victim and is a willing participant in her own pain. Like you.

 

You can call the police, but if you aren't going to leave her, it will be pointless and will just give her something to rage about. BPD's don't learn from their mistakes. They are like teenagers, they don't consider consequences.

 

To get her out of denial...well I doubt you will be able to. In order to get my sister diagnosed, we had to Baker Act her.

 

I feel sorry for you, dude. One day you will have enough. You obviously aren't there yet. You still think that this is manageable problem.

 

Please do not have kids with her. She will totally eff up their heads.

Edited December 9, 2011 by Quiet Storm

[Mme. Chaucer]

You have been coming here to report on her craziness, greed, violence, jealousy, and various inappropriate behavior for two whole years.

 

I am sorry that you are in danger of being murdered by your wife, but you don't seem like you are going to do anything to protect yourself.

 

People with personality disorders DON'T "get over it." As the above poster noted, most therapists won't even work with BPD people because the vast majority of BPD people, just like narcissists, have NO clue that they need to CHANGE THEIR ENTIRE PERSONALITY in order to be a reasonable member of a relationship or even society. They are 100% manipulative and they have needs that you probably cannot even begin to imagine - that they expect to be fulfilled by the world and by other people. It never happens, so they are enraged and / or depressed and / or suicidal and / or manic most of the time. They also lie more than tell the truth. It's a personality disorder - this is WHO THEY ARE. They just are who they are, same as you.

 

Anyone with BPD who does "get over it" had to experience a profound epiphany where they wake up in horror to what they are and the role they really, truly play in others' lives - one of destruction.

 

That said, a reasonable number of BPD people seem to simmer down in their madness as they age.

 

Since you love your wife, I hope she is one of those who will settle with age. But since you can't count on that, and you are not going to leave her (YOU SHOULD), the only thing you can really do is to make sure you are safe and try not to engage with her when she is acting out, besides saying things like, "I can certainly understand how you might feel that way."

 

There is a good book called "Walking on Eggshells" that might help you learn how to manage a life with a person who has BPD and avoid murder or suicide.

 

Is your love worth making the avoidance horrible scenes and violence the main feature of your married life?

 

And please, please do not have kids with her.

 

Good luck to you.

[Art_Critic]

I wouldn't file any charges.. fer gawd sakes there were no injuries to anyone or anything or any witnesses.. it would be your word against hers and the case would go no where..

 

Providing that you wife has been diagnosed by a qualified therapist about being BPD then I would suggest you reading this book...

 

http://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/157224108X

 

It's an amazing book..

 

The problem is though that if you are guessing at what she is suffering from then you are just spinning your wheels and it could very well be something else...

 

Take care of yourself... love doesn't cover mental illness where your life or mental well being can be at stake..

[whichwayisup]

Check out 'depressionfallout' and download the book from that site, as well as do some reading on there, posting too on their message board.

 

Your wife is mentally ill and that isn't going to ever change. What she has is a 'forever illness' that can be controlled better with meds and therapy.

 

You are enabling her behaviour by letting her threaten to leave you if you put in the hospital for 72 hours. She smells your fear! But, you know what? She isn't going to leave you..If anything, once she gets the help she desparately needs, she will realize in time that you did this out of love. Trust me those 72 hours will be worth it, for her sake. If you do nothing and let her call the shots, your life is over and will continue to get worse and worse.

 

This isn't about love. We all know you love her and care for her, but the dramatic and dangerous part of this is NOT good for you..Or any kids you two may have? If there are kids in this mess, you MUST think of them and the affect it's having on them.. One of my cousins broke his own heart by leaving his wife and taking the kids.. he had to leave, his sweetheart, the only woman he ever loved because of her mental illness. It ruined everything, though he still loves her, but from afar. You cannot live on 'love'. Sooner or later your life is going to be in danger 24/7 and you can't live like that! ANd most of all, neither can you kids (if you have any)..