RonChalant Posted December 8, 2011 Share Posted December 8, 2011 So the ex and I were together for 7 years, this is the longest I have ever gone without talking to her and I feel like I am loosing it. While right now I'm calm and content, I randomly get into these moods where I just want to call her and talk to her, just hear her voice. She's with another guy that she really likes and it kills me. I've been obsessing about predicting when she is over his house. Thanks to google I actually found out where this guy lives, but I'm not going to do anything stupid...I just want to talk to her. I want her back so badly, but at the same time given the circumstances I feel like she doesn't deserve me love...he'll she even told me she doesnt feel like she deserves my love. What's worse is we had a dog together and I miss him just as much as I miss her. She says that in the future when she is a better person she wants to try to work things out "but no promises" and that makes me feel horrible. I want so badly to go and do all that I can to make her see that I love her...which she knows and I know for a fact that she loves me too...but she choose the person she likes over the person she loves and that again makes me feel like ****. I am a very introverted guy and meeting new people is really hard for me. My birthday is next week and I'm not sure if she will wish me a happy birthday or not. Whether she does or not I am not going to talk to her, but if she were not not say anything I would feel like I've totally been replaced and after 7 years that is a fought thing to deal with. I am trying to focus on bettering myself right now, getting a car, a job...I am a student so these things have always been hard to balance but I'm going to do a lot of sacrificing to make it so I can get these things. What's crazy is I know for a fact the second I "get over her" an alarm is going to go off in her head and she is going to try to get back in contact with me. At that point I don't know what would be the right thing to do, be friends with her, ignore her, be passive...I don't know. This girl has totally ****ed with my head and it sucks because I love her so much, I feel like she is...well hmmm. Weird but I was about to say I feel like she is the one for me but...suddenly I don't feel that way. But I have been having a battle with myself over the past week where one second I want her soooo badly, then the next I don't care, so I'm thinking it may be my mind playing tricks on me to help me try to get over her...but I know for a fact the second I'm laying down and thinking about her I'm going to be a sad panda again (lol). I am going crazy if you can't tell my emotions are being ridiculous. I need someone to talk to... Link to post Share on other sites
jaiededheart Posted December 8, 2011 Share Posted December 8, 2011 its hard i know, but you'll get through it over time. you shouldn't care about someone who doesnt care about you. you had invested 7 years of your life together and she moved on with someone else. Life is not always fair and you just have to focus on yourself. I know exactly what you mean about emotions being up and down and not making sense. its normal but you need to move on and trust me you don't want her to contact you for your birthday it only makes it worse - it leaves hope open and there may be none. one week is too fresh to tell. Link to post Share on other sites
jaiededheart Posted December 8, 2011 Share Posted December 8, 2011 its hard i know, but you'll get through it over time. you shouldn't care about someone who doesnt care about you. you had invested 7 years of your life together and she moved on with someone else. Life is not always fair and you just have to focus on yourself. I know exactly what you mean about emotions being up and down and not making sense. its normal but you need to move on and trust me you don't want her to contact you for your birthday it only makes it worse - it leaves hope open and there may be none. one week is too fresh to tell. there is a reason why you are not together - life is short make it count Link to post Share on other sites
LostJustLost Posted December 8, 2011 Share Posted December 8, 2011 The emotions are harsh right now, its too raw and it hurts. The only thing I know to do is read the forums, try to distract yourself in any way y'all can find. I know it hurts, and the questions will drive you mad, but try to hang in there. Don't count on hearing from her on your birthday. If ya do, then you'll have to decide how to act on that. If ya don't, then you wont be disappointed. It'll hurt, of course, but NC is for the best. You need to heal, find yourself again and get stronger for you. I dont know how to "talk" to y'all other than this. I know it sounds cliche but honestly, it will get easier as time goes by and y'all allow yourself to heal. Im not crying nearly as much as I did before I found this place which is a very good thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Popehappycat Posted December 8, 2011 Share Posted December 8, 2011 I post on here exclusively through my phone, so quoting is a b*tch, but a few of the things she said to you stand out to me. Somebody who gets with somebody else, all the while telling you they'd want another chance when they fix/better/figure out/etc. themselves is full of sh*t. It's her way of alleviating guilt. She may come back when she realizes the grass isn't greener, but you need to be objective when that time comes and think about if she does it again. Some couples can reconcile, though personally I don't play that game. That said, that doesn't stop the pain you're feeling now. It sucks, but the only thing that works is time and you taking yourself out of the equation. She hurt you once, don't enable her to do it again. One week of NC is a good start. Ultimately, what you want to do is what you'll do, so good luck with that. Link to post Share on other sites
mikezombie777 Posted December 8, 2011 Share Posted December 8, 2011 I've been through this twice in the last few years. My most recent being my ex fiance who just fell out of love with me and flew out of the city to my parents place. It's been three months now and its getting easier but it still hurts sometimes. There's no easy fix. It hurts like hell and you wanna die if you cant get her back. Believe me friend, I KNOW exactly how you feel. Turn to your family and pour your heart out to them. Be close to them. Do whatever it takes. Thats the only way I've found to survive. Keep us posted, we're all here for you buddy Link to post Share on other sites
Kamila Posted December 8, 2011 Share Posted December 8, 2011 It's okay to talk, you'll have to do it a lot. You'll want to cry, read, write, talk a lot. Hell, it's been more than a year post break-up and I'm still doing it. But it has some healing powers. You'll need to grieve a lot. 7 years isn't a short time... Like some said, the pain is still raw and fresh. Give it time. Baby steps. Don't jump into a new relationship like your ex. For her it's surely a rebound. In order for you to heal, I'll suggest you cut contact from your ex. All contact you'll have from now on will be confusing and painful and will stand in the way of your healing. You deserve some happiness and with her clinging to you, you won't be able to move on but only hoping on reconciliation. Take this time to make a clean break. Learn from yourself. Deal with your emotions. Embrace them and accept them, don't let them control you. And who knows, in a couple of months you'll be able to look at the break-up totally differently. Good luck and post as long as you want. Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted December 8, 2011 Share Posted December 8, 2011 Wow she is trying to string you along and it is working. Take control of yourself my friend and stop making any contact with her. Only respond to her if it is absolutely necessary. Put yourself first because you are what is most important right now. I was in the same position. 5 years, a home and multiple pets together, engaged, etc. When we were apart she jumped right into the dating scene and met someone that she suddenly felt like could be a better match for her. I went insane too for awhile, but a couple weeks into it I decided she doesn't get to come first and that I am worth more than the value placed on me throughout the relationship. I'm less than 2 months apart and I am doing great. Living for myself and really enjoying my life. Making new friends and getting out there even though I am horribly introverted and would like to just live in a cave alone most days. But my life is better because I am in control of both myself and my emotions. Link to post Share on other sites
Soxfaninfl Posted December 8, 2011 Share Posted December 8, 2011 I would suggest seeing a counselor too. It helped me to deal with my divorce when my ex-wife told me she didn't love me any more after 11 years of marriage. I still see my counselor after we split in March of 2010. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted December 8, 2011 Share Posted December 8, 2011 Wow she is trying to string you along and it is working. Take control of yourself my friend and stop making any contact with her. Only respond to her if it is absolutely necessary. Put yourself first because you are what is most important right now. I was in the same position. 5 years, a home and multiple pets together, engaged, etc. When we were apart she jumped right into the dating scene and met someone that she suddenly felt like could be a better match for her. I went insane too for awhile, but a couple weeks into it I decided she doesn't get to come first and that I am worth more than the value placed on me throughout the relationship. I'm less than 2 months apart and I am doing great. Living for myself and really enjoying my life. Making new friends and getting out there even though I am horribly introverted and would like to just live in a cave alone most days. But my life is better because I am in control of both myself and my emotions. I would strongly listen to Philosoraptor. And read his story. He was just like you and he was in some very, VERY dark places. But he pulled it together and is enjoying life after the end of his relationship. Going places and doing things that he probably never thought he'd do. His story is very inspiring on how he came out a better person. Once you get IM capabilities, I recommend shooting him a message or two. Believe me, it sucks now and it may feel like the end of the world but it isn't. Link to post Share on other sites
smokey bear Posted December 8, 2011 Share Posted December 8, 2011 This is only my two cents, not advice and a lot wont agree with it. Try not to go to a councillor, Try and get through this yourself, its tough, its hard, it hurts but you'll be a stronger person if you get through this without therapy. I dont believe in NC, NC after spending 7 years with someone would kill you, and i struggled. I went lc, I waited for the dumper to initiate contact though. First month he contacted me once a week, then we managed 3 weeks nc. Then back to once a week. Only now 5 months later im doing full nc, only now 5 months later im ready for it. Feel it! Feel every emotion, the more you feel it the quicker it goes. Writing a journal really helps. Get on here and the internet and research break ups, gigs, rebounds, nc. Get all the information you can, read all the stories you can and find some that relate to you, it helps knowing others are going through it too. Post on here, get it all out. Consider if you want to get back together or move on, use all the info you get from research to make a plan to get you on the path you chose. You wont start to feel better until you start to love yourself again, find yourself and get you back. It is never stressed enough but getting over it is all about getting yourself back. Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted December 8, 2011 Share Posted December 8, 2011 One thing that kept me busy was doing a complete makeover of my wardrobe. I packed up everything that I wore because she liked it on me and got new clothes. For a whopping hair over $200 I got new clothes and no longer look the same as I did for all of those years. One item that I got was a little zip up hoodie that was like 12$. It literally became my security blanket. It was soft on the inside and for some reason it just made me feel safe. I wore it at work for awhile and I just felt a bit stronger in myself when wearing it. I no longer need it for that, but it's still soft I slowly but surely took over my life and I didn't allow myself to get down for long. I'd let the emotions run their course but when they were done I took the advice I got here and said "let's go" and didn't let it linger. I have a large posterboard with my bucket list and new experiences all over it. When I feel down or unmotivated I just take a trip to my board and start making plans. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RonChalant Posted December 8, 2011 Author Share Posted December 8, 2011 i am at school and just broke down out of nowhere in the stairwell. i want to call/text her sooooo bad I feel myself getting weaker about the situation and feel like i am going to give in and contact her soon. I keep fight off the urge but when it comes back it just comes back stronger than the last time it came on. i REALLY dont want the past week of no contact to go to waste and have to start all over again but i feel like within the next few days...mmore than llikely over the weekend i am going to crack and end up calling. i know i will never feel the same way for another person ever again, she was the ONLY person i have been able to fully come out of my shell in front of and now she and my dog are gone. i've been keeping a journal and it def does help, but ive been having dreams about her for the past week every damn night and waking up in cold sweats afterward. i miss her green eyes i just want to stare into them again. i feel like a complete loser right now. really dont know how i am going to get through this. definitely realize that its only the 1st week or so, so i know that im bound to feel this way, but i honestly know i will never find anyone else that will ever measure up to her. i want to leave a present for my dog on her doorstep come christmas but i feel like i would be way to tempted to stay and wait for her to come home so i can see her. it sucks how i went from being fine last night to crying in the stairwell at school. i feel like i should fight to get her back, but i know it will push her away. we are both playing the nc game to see who will give in first and im determined to "win", but again i feel so ****ing close to the point where i am going to call. i know i need to work on myself, but not having her to talk to is driving me insane right now. i feel like there hhas to be a combination of words that exist that will make her realize what we have, but i havent figured it out yet. this is the last text she sent me... "I'm glad you realized these things. You are a handsome good man and your very very smart. My heart is still in peices and will be for along time. I have serious soul searching to do and alot of changes I have yet to make and I have to do them on my own. You have helped me grow this much and always been there and for that I will always love you. No one could ever do what you have done for me but I have to learn to be 100% independent. I might make up with Frederick I might not but either way I need to learn how to live without you. You have been such a big part of who I am. I want to see what independent Maggie is like. I have been so distraught over this whole situation I need to find out how to not be so dependent on my love life for happiness. That has always been the determining factor on my happiness and that's not healthy plus I'm pretty sure I got a job today and I really need to put all my energy into that right now and figure out what exactly I want and where I wanna be. Defiantly not in moco lol. I hung out with Kenny and Dave yesterday and thought ewww why did I ever let him in my presence. I look back on who I used to be and I don't like that person. I don't even know that person anymore and **** I'm only 25 a few years from now I could feel the same way about current Maggie does that make sense? Anyway I guess the bottom line is I want to see who I become maybe then things could be better but as of right now I can't jump back into things with you until my heart mends and I learn more life lessons. If we reunite later in life when we are are true developed selves it will be like meeting all over again" that was from november 30th. i havent had contact with her since then. there were a few more shorter ones after this but the more less said the same thing followed by "im not saying it wont happen because it most likely will, but i cant make any promises and neither can you" i am a wreck again...well not a wreck i feel better after that crying session, but i miss her so damn much, what next Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted December 8, 2011 Share Posted December 8, 2011 You are playing games, not healing. She shouldn't matter at all in your healing. It doesn't matter how she heals or if she cracks, you need to take care of yourself. She is the only one you have opened up with so far, not the only one you can. You will feel much stronger with someone else in the future. A month ago I felt the same way. I opened up so much with her and I would never find anything as good or better. I've found someone I can open up with more than anyone ever, myself. I've taken care of myself and learned so much of what I can do. I am happier than I was for a long time in my relationship because I am happier with myself. I am enjoying life again and I'm not scared of the future, just excited to see what the next chapter of my life will look like. I am sure I will find someone I can open up with much more than I ever could with her, someone who will allow me to be as open with them as I am with myself. My life will be awesome because I will let it be. The only thing holding you back is you. Do not make any contact unless it is absolutely necessary. And even in those situations keep things brief and to the point, be respectful and keep things professional. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RonChalant Posted December 8, 2011 Author Share Posted December 8, 2011 true...makes sense. i am definitely playing games and it makes sense not to. i am working on bettering myself believe me. at first i wanted to better myself to make her see that i was different and make her come back, but now i want to do it because i genuinely want to be a better person. i feel like i will be fine, but my birthday next wednesday does scare me, i feel like im in for being hurt because though i dont want to talk to her i really feel like if i dont get a happy birthday text that it will really hurt. at the same time, if she were to not wish me a happy birthday it MAY make it easier to move forward because im def not going to spent time stuck on someone who after 7 years cant even wish me a happy birthday. so i guess it will be bittersweet either way. im just so lonely. i researched suicide methods but i know im not going to take that route, it would just be nice to have someone to spend time with on my birthday, dont have any real friends. all my "friends" were really her friends so im stuck at the bottow of a social hole alone. i am trying to make new friends but its hard, being so quiet and all. i hope the next 3 weeks are better than this first one by far. Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted December 8, 2011 Share Posted December 8, 2011 You sound a lot like me. I started off wanting to be better so she would want me, but then I realized that if someone just doesn't want me for who I am then they are just not worth the time. It's good that you are now working on yourself for you. My birthday is in 5 days, but whether or not any sort of contact by her is made doesn't matter to me in the least. If she gets any sort of response it will be nothing more than a short "thank you", nothing more. I even went through the sucidal thoughts and even took a bunch of pain killers and washed it down with vodka. Ended up vomitting up all of the nothing that I had ate in days. Again, like you, I had no real friends and the few close friends that I had were a couple that we would go out with. I had to remove them on facebook as I got to see pictures that they took of her and her new man. Boy that was a fun day But I stopped caring about her and started focusing on me. I pushed myself out of my introverted quiet shell and just started doing things. I'm willing to try just about anything now and I'm making new friends. You need to find your own path and motivate yourself to break from this sad state and embrace your new opportunity to learn about yourself and make new experiences. It's not easy, but it can be done and I promise you will be happier doing so. Link to post Share on other sites
Soxfaninfl Posted December 8, 2011 Share Posted December 8, 2011 The more you contact her the more you will drive her further away from you. Learn from my mistake. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RonChalant Posted December 8, 2011 Author Share Posted December 8, 2011 so what did you do to start breaking out of your introversion. i know you said just doing things but hwat exactly does that mean? i read one of your post where you said you went skydiving...lol while that sounds fun its a bit out of my financial means right now being a broke college student and all. your bday is in 5 days, mine is in 6, thats funny. i feel a lot better. while the sadness while is the stairwell was pretty intense, im glad i got it out. now im....better, but i wish i could just stay in this "better" phase and not go through another crying spell. damn emotions Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted December 8, 2011 Share Posted December 8, 2011 You will go through the ups and downs. I just made a list of the things that I wanted to do in life. Many things on my list cost nothing but time. I'd spent a few days at work googling "bucket list ideas" and taking what really looked good to me and adding it to my list that I had created before the search. I remember the broke college student days... heck I remember the broke adult days that were common back when I was taking care of two people instead of one. I'd suggest places like meetup.com as the groups there will help you break out. The craigslist community section has a lot of good free things a lot of the time. I make myself try things, even things that I'd never do by choice Sometimes you find that you were right, sometimes you are surprised how much fun you have somewhere that you'd never think you would enjoy. You should keep busy, but do more than that. Allow yourself to enjoy the things you are doing and embrace the happiness and don't question it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RonChalant Posted December 9, 2011 Author Share Posted December 9, 2011 I feel so much better and I am glad I didn't give in and call her. Lol thinking back on how pathetic I sounded makes me kinda embarrassed but **** it I needed to let it out. Thanks philosiraptor (hope I spelled that right) for listening to me bitch. Though I know I'm not out of the woods yet and that another sad day is going to rear it's ugly head, each day I have been sad for less and less an amount of time and I'm only a week and a half in. I feel like in a month I will be, a lot lot better. But until then, here's to the content that I am currently feeling, may it last for the rest of the night and into tomorrow. Watching bevis and butthead seems to be helping Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted December 9, 2011 Share Posted December 9, 2011 There will be times when not making contact seems hard, but you need to stay away for your own good. The longer it goes the easier it will get. There will be very hard times the longer it goes on, but you must stay strong and make no effort to make contact. When that moment (and yes, it is just a moment) passes you will be very relieved to not have made contact. Link to post Share on other sites
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